Friday, December 27, 2013

Pre-delivery nerves already and then some

So as everyone probably knows, I have to have another c-section this pregnancy, and every pregnancy here out, due to having a "classical (vertical)" incision on my uterus.  I think I'm kind of prepared for it, due to already knowing what to expect but I guess with the pregnancy hormones I'm kind of starting to get nervous about the thought of another c-sec.  Chloe's delivery was my first surgery, first IV, and first real stay in a hospital.  I remember my blood pressure was high when we went in so it wasn't the easiest for the nurse's to do my IV, and after they couldn't get it the first time I remember telling Chris that I was ready to go home, and that Chloe could just stay in my belly.  I was sooo over it, and I'm afraid it'll be that way this time when it comes to the IV, even though I know Chloe's delivery was more then just nerves, we also knew that we weren't going to be able to take our baby home.  I know this time that part will be different, but I'm still nervous, and I'm sure Chris is nervous about getting sick in the OR once again.  But hopefully he'll actually eat, take a xanex, or something before hand lol.  When we saw the high risk dr, he was telling us we will deliver around 37 to 38 wks, which we had known, I can't go into labor on my own, or have any kind of contractions.  I guess I'm nervous about all the unknowns of after Puff is born, like when she'll come out we'll actually know, we will hear her cry, see her shortly after she is born, and when she'll go to the nursery, ect...  With Chloe we didn't know when she was actually born, and we didn't get to see her until we got back into our recovery room.

On a lighter note, I can already tell this little girl loves her daddy though.  Anytime I feel her more I try to put my hand there to see if I can feel it on the outside, and once I do she'll sometime stop moving, but when Chris put his hand on my belly she is all about moving around.  I think she may like when I sing too, or at least I hope so, when I sing in the car I can sometimes feel her move around.  But it may be her way of saying "hey mom, stop singing!" Lol!  My belly buttons starting to poke out more now too, or as Chris say's "the turkey's getting done".


Chris: I really haven't put anything in to this blog until now. I don't know if it was just due to nerves or didn't know how to put anything, but now its time.

Chloe's pregnancy was a smorgasbord of emotions. Everything from pure joy and excitement to pain and agony. I haven't ever felt true hate and anger until the time after her delivery. I was mad all the time, wasn't the happy person that people were accustomed to. I only got more and more angry as the day passed. Knowing our baby wasn't home, knowing that when she got home she would be sitting in a box on a bookshelf. It really pissed me off and I eventually hated myself for thinking that way and acting the way I did. It wasn't until I took a step back and realized I was in a deep depression and was in denial about it. A few months after Chloe's birth Lindsay and I had what came to be known as a 'come to Jesus meeting'. It took me opening my heart and mind to her for me to finally feel like the old self I was, instead of the shell I became. To this day I have mixed emotions. For instance I'll see a dad walking around with his daughter and a piece of me gets green with envy and jealousy. I think 'that should be me.'. Then I realize I have a daughter, that no matter what, is always with me.

The reason I think I got so mad about it all was the fact that I couldn't fix what was going on. Anyone that knows me knows that I can fix damn near anything. If I can't, I'll find someone who can and will be there until it is fixed. Instead I had to let go and let nature take it's course. I couldn't stand sitting there and waiting for a solution (which deep down I knew wasn't coming). I wanted her healthy, I wanted us to be happy, I wanted perfection, but most of all I wanted my daughter here. Unfortunately it didn't happen. I had a decent support system there for me. My mom was still quite sick from a stem cell transplant, so that combined with Chloe was very tough for me to handle. Luckily when family fell through my friends came in. The first night at the hospital my best friend called me and 'kidnapped' me for a little while for dinner (which was the only thing I ate between the c-section and the day we left the hospital). I never really thanked him and let him know just how much that meant to me. For that small amount of time I was free and away from this tragic reality that I was shoved into.

After the 'come to Jesus meeting', our lives completely changed. We finally started to move on a little (still with Chloe at our sides) and started to feel like ourselves again. I look at life a lot different than before, I understand that each moment should be treasured because you just never know. That little girl had a huge impact on me, and still does to this second. I still want to make her proud of her daddy.

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

20 wks- Gender Reveal!

We went to a high risk dr on Dec 16th and got my 20 wk exam done (I was 19 wks).  The dr said everything looks great, all development has taken place, and said this baby appears to be a health child!!  We are so extremely happy that we got such great news!  The sonographer was also 90-95% sure of gender.  We also got to see the baby on a 3D and 4D scan!!  I def think Puff's got my nose :).



We went yesterday and took some gender reveal pictures with our friend, Mari, to tell everyone, and guess what!!  We've been blessed with another baby GIRL!!  We are so extremely happy and could not be more blessed with everything God and Chloe have blessed us with.   Last year was such a crazy time, and we had so many downs, along with a few ups, but with Chloe watching over us, she has helped to bless us with so much more then we could ever imagine.  I def am continuing to pray that everything goes amazing for us, and that this little girl has a little bit of her big sister in her!!