Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Dimples are Angel Kisses

Its hard to think that Brooke was born a month ago, it seems like just yesterday that we were going to the hospital to have her, its also hard to think of a time that she hasn't been here.  She's starting to come into her looks more and more, and it makes me kind of sad at how much she's growing already.  I look forward to her coming into her personality and being able to make her smile and laugh, and as Chris said the day she can say "I love you".  But I still get sad at how fast time goes, she's always going to be my baby, I'm going to miss the times that we just sit on the couch and I just have her laying on my chest all snuggled up.  Thank goodness for pictures!  Speaking of pictures, our friend Mari, who took our reveal and maternity pictures, took some amazing pictures of Brooke when she was a week old, which I'll post some of them at the bottom of this post.

Thankfully Brooke is a very good baby, she sleeps really well, I have to set alarms to get her up to eat.  We've gotten into a pretty good routine now, right after I get up to get her bottle she's usually starting to wake up ready to eat.  She also is really good about falling asleep by herself, and she only really cries when she has gas, getting her diaper or clothes changes, or is hungry.  I know we're going to have some tough days, but right now I'm very thankful for how blessed we've been.
I hate to admit that I've had a few days where I call Brooke Chloe.  It makes me a little sad, but I know its normal, we've only said Chloe's name for over a year.  I think it makes me sad because it makes me wonder if Chloe would of looked like Brooke, and if she would of been like Brooke or had her own little things.  Like Brooke when she's drinking her milk does this little high pitched like swallowing sound, its hard to explain but its the cutest thing ever.  Or if Chloe would have the reddish tint to her hair like Brooke, I know they would of had similarities in looks, but it still makes me wonder.  Both Chloe and Brooke have my nose, Chloe had my eyes, and Brooke has what look like her daddy's eyes, they both have the "Hart toes" as we call them, and Brooke has her daddy's hands/fingers, sadly I can't really remember what Chloe's hands/fingers looked like.

I'm not sure if anyone remembers my post about white butterflies, but few days before we had Brooke I kept seeing a single white butterfly in our yard, and the day we brought her home we saw what I would guess was the same little butterfly.  I like to think its Chloe keeping close to us, we see a white butterfly usually everyday now.  I'm not sure if I put this in our last post but Brooke has 3 dimples, 2 by her mouth, and one in her left cheek, and possibly one in her right cheek.  One of our friends step moms said she always heard that dimples were "angel kisses".  And which that makes sense cause Brooke does have her sister, her pawpaw, and her great granny in heaven.  I ended up googling to see if there was anyone else who have heard that before and I found this blog post that's a really good read, you should check it out:   http://sephoraanangelsjourney.wordpress.com/2013/08/12/the-story-about-the-dimple/
I haven't looked at any of her other posts just yet besides this one, but she is also an Angel Mom with a little girl in heaven, and has rainbow baby who has a dimple in his little cheek.

I'll go ahead and stop my writing here, and post the pictures I was talking about above!








C-Section Hospital Bags!


So as we get closer to Puff being delivered I thought I would do a post on what's in our hospital bag.  Yes I know there are many different lists/suggestions on what to take with you to the hospital and there are even less for families who are going to have a c-section delivery.  Even though this isn't our first time, while packing our bags I kind of forgot everything that we actually took and what we used after we had Chloe.  Don't feel like you have to follow this list, or any list out there, I searched through a few on Google and Pinterest, and kind of adapted it to fit what I felt Chris, Puff, and I would need while we stayed.  With Chloe we stayed in the hospital for 3 days, and I know there's a chance we could stay longer this time around, I'm the type of person who likes to be prepared.  (On 2 blogs I read one family stayed for 4 days, and another family stayed for 7 days.)

Here we go:

Our Main Bag

For Me:

  • Wallet & Insurance Cards - Will actually be in my purse 
  • Belly Bandit - this is something that my sister told me about before Chloe's delivery, and let me tell you it is amazing!  The belly bandit helps to kind of hold everything in place, and to me it took the pressure off of my incision, I got up 1 time without it on and that was the worst thing I could of ever done. Also they aren't just for c-sections, you wear it for 6 wks after the baby and it helps with weight loss, and shrinking your uterus back to its normal size!
  • 2-3 Night gowns  - I didn't like wearing pants after Chloe's c-section, for me it was uncomfortable for anything to touch or sit near my incision.
  • Flip Flops 
  • Slippers
  • Robe -  Helps with the cold hospital rooms
  • 2 Nursing Bras - 1 of those sleep nursing bras, and then just a regular one.
  • Going Home Dress - I'm planning on wearing a dress to the hospital and just wearing the same one home, I'm only going to be wearing it for maybe a hour before I get into a hospital gown anyway.


For Chris:
  • 2 Shirts
  • Sweat Pants
  • P.J. Pants
  • Light Jacket
  • Slippers
  • Quarters & Dollar Bills - For the vending machines
We didn't really pack much for Chris, just some things for him to lounge in, he's planning to go home every night like he did when we had Chloe so he could check on Magic and Smokey, and he can get anything that we might need.

For Puff:
  • Going Home Outfit
  • Couple Hair Bows - A girl could always use a bow! Plus one is going to match her going home outfit.
  • Pairs of Socks
  • Mittens - Don't want her scratching her pretty face
  • 2 Sleeper Onesies - They are button up ones and have the feet on them, both are NB size
  • 3 mon Onesie - Just in case she does come out 8 pounds, and the NB onesies are to small
  • Burp Cloth
  • Swaddle Blanket - I received some super cute/soft Aden and Anais Swaddlers at my baby shower's, I know they have blankets there to swaddle her in but I kind of want to use her things, and know that we can swaddle her in the ones we have at home.
  • Light Blanket - For the car seat when we head home.
  • Stuffed Animal
Bathroom Bag:  This is all pretty obvious, will be packed up the night before, and travel size things are perfect for this bag!
  • Phone Chargers - I have 2 - 10 ft charge cables in this bag so they are easy to find 
  • Travel Sized Brush & Comb
  • Few Hair Ties, Bobby Pins, & a Hair Clip
  • Little Make Up - Some women don't want or have time to do their make up, and that's okay!  I was just going to take some eye shadow, eye liner, and mascara.  Plus if you want to do pictures in the hospital some moms want to have on a little make up.
  • Travel Mirror
  • Lip Balm - I love those little eros lip balms, and plus the air at the hospital can be pretty dry
  • Face Wash/Face Wipes
  • 2 Travel Sized Shampoo/Body Wash
  • Deodorant - for both Chris and I
  • 2 Toothbrushes
  • Toothpaste
  • Contacts, Case, & Solution
  • Glasses Case
  • Prenatal Vitamins
  • Heart Burn Medicine -  I got a prescription for Prevacid this time around, with both pregnancies I have had the worst indigestion, I don't know if I can take it while in the hospital, but being a prescription I'd rather take it with me and ask.
  • Colace (Stool Softener) - If you haven't had a baby or haven't heard, this is TMI, but trying to go number 2 afterwards is HORRIBLE!  I'm not sure if they can give any in the hospital, they did give me Mylanta to help with gas pain, so some hospitals may give you a stool softener if you ask.
  • Advil - This is for Chris, I don't know if the hospital would give him anything if he got a headache so I'd rather be safe then sorry.

Misc Items:  Some of these things are going to stay in the car until we need them
  • Camera & Charger
  • Nintendo DS & Games
  • 2 Pillows - Will stay in the car until we need them just another comfort from home, plus those hospital pillows are so flat
  • Blanket - This will stay in the car until we need it, and is mainly for Chris, they gave him pillows and blankets for him to sleep on but like the pillows they weren't to soft or comfy.
  • 2-3 Large Reusable Grocery Bags - I got mine from Michael's Craft Store, and were super cute/cheap.  I read a mom on another blog did this when she had her last to put all the things you get to take home from the hospital, and anything else so it won't take up room in your other bags.
  • Snacks - These will probably be in one of the reusable bags, even though there are snack machines, I figure having snacks will come in handy if we don't want to leave the room, or when my nieces and nephews come visit they can have some. 
On to the maybe items:  Not sure just yet if we will be taking these things or not just yet
  • Nursing Cover - I was thinking I can go ahead and figure out how it will sit/work, and I might can use it if we have unexpected guests, so they wouldn't have to wait in the hall or anything like that.
  • My Brest Friend Pillow  - I was given this pillow by a friend who loved it, it falls similar to the nursing cover, I just keep thinking I can go ahead and figure out how it will work for me.
  • 1-2 Bath Towels - Read this one on another blog as well, she had just grabbed a cheaper one from Target and took it with her.  The hospital towels are so thin and scratchy it is a good idea to bring one softer with you.
  • Nurse Thank You's - I really do want to do some kind of thank you for the nurses, I'm just not 100% sure what I would like to do just yet, once I figure out what I'm wanting to do it won't be a maybe anymore.

When it's all written out it seems like a lot of things, but when they are all packed it all fits nicely in a small (like carry on size) rolling duffle bag, and a medium sized square bathroom bag!  I've had our bags packed for the most part since I was about 32 wks, most people don't get theirs ready till about 35 wks, but I figured since we know we're going to deliver at 37 wks I'd go ahead and do what I could to not fret about how quickly she will be here.   

Sunday, April 27, 2014

Welcoming Brooke Allie Martin!

Chloe's little sister Brooke made her way into our world on Easter Sunday, April 20, 2014, at 9:47 AM, weighing 7 lbs 9 oz, 19 1/2 in long!  I have to say she is the best blessing and most beautiful little girl ever!  We went in early to the hospital for a scheduled c-section on Sunday, and everything went so great!  I was really nervous leading up to that day, but honestly I was more nervous the Sat before then I was on Sunday.  I remember waking up Sat morning feeling nauseous, and then when Sun came around I woke up excited, and just a tad nervous.  I was really nervous to get another IV, when we went to have Chloe that was one of the worst things that I had experienced in the beginning.  I had never had an IV before that day and they ended up sticking me twice, that with all of our other sad emotions, I remember telling Chris that I was ready to go home, that I couldn't go through a surgery if I could barely get through getting an IV.  Thankfully the nurse who did mine was great, she did have to stick me twice but it didn't bother me as badly as with Chloe's.  It wasn't until I was in the OR getting my spinal tap that my legs started shaking and I thought "holy crap, we are about to meet our daughter".  Chris came into the room with me, even though he was very nervous and didn't know if he really wanted to go into the OR in the beginning of this pregnancy being that he got sick in the room with Chloe's section.  But I will let him type up his point of view, I will say I am so very proud of him

Here's my point of view, the anesthesiologist and I walked into the OR, and I got onto the table while they got everything prepped, and gave me my spinal tap, while they explained to me everything that would be done.  I got laid back onto the table and they finished prepping and got Chris so he could sit with me.  They started before we knew it, and Chris and I just sat there talking with the anesthesiologist, to keep our minds off of the past feelings that we had, about that time she said, "alright daddy she's about to come out, do you want to watch?" Chris had this somewhat timid look and she said "here just look right here" and lowered the curtain just a little (Chris was already eye level with it anyway cause he's so tall).  About that time he sat up a little taller, then he just stood up and watched Brooke being born!  I heard him say "oh look there she is!" So proud and I asked if she was chunky, and had chubby cheeks, and of course he said yes.  Finally we heard her let out her loud cry for the first time. They took her over to the warmer table and I could see the top of her head while Chris looked over her and held her little hand.  She had swallowed a little bit of fluid so the nurse was getting it out, and I heard her cry once again, I told the anesthesiologist that it was very surreal, and happy feeling finally hearing that cry, when we didn't get to hear anything with Chloe's delivery.  It made it all the more real that we finally have our daughter here with us, and what a true blessing from God and Chloe that she is.  Chris came back over and sat next to me and they handed Brooke over to him, and he put her cheek to cheek with me, I was able to kiss her little head and touch her face, and see what a proud daddy Chris was.  The anesthesiologist took some pictures which I was so thankful for.  Finally they were going to take her to the nursery and took Chris with them while they finished getting me back together.  Our Dr came over to me after he was done and told me that I did great, and that Brooke was beautiful and gave me a nice hug.  All the nurses finished cleaning me up and we went back to my recovery room, about 15-20 mins later Chris and Brooke came into the room with me and I finally got to hold her, and I have to say I never wanted to let her go.  She is the most amazing blessing that could of ever happen, and I know that Chloe had so much help in giving her to us.  She is so much more then what we prayed for, and is just absolutely amazing.

Chris:
This pregnancy and delivery were extremely nerve wracking. I remember the week before her delivery the amount of nerves and emotions I was feeling. I was frankly scared to death of what was to come. Sunday morning I took my time getting up, I don't know why, but I felt that if I took my time that maybe I could keep Lindsay pregnant even longer. I didn't want a repeat of how I felt after Chloe's delivery. We arrived at the hospital at 5 in the morning on Easter Sunday, which I quite honestly forgot that there was a 5 a.m., and we got our room pretty fast. After several minutes of nurses in and out, getting all of Lindsay's information, we finally got a few moments alone. We didn't say much, just enjoyed each others company. My parents and sister showed up, at a very punctual, 8 a.m. and by that time my nerves were shot. Seeing Lindsay hooked up to an I.V. in her gown reminded me of the past and it was killing me on the inside. I wanted to be excited, but I didn't know how to be. Her mom and niece showed up soon after my family did and without warning so did our Dr.. Next thing I know a nurse, 'Dee', whisked me away to a very isolated room. She kept telling me congratulations and asking if I was excited, i'm certain I didn't reply at all. Let me explain how I looked that morning, I am wearing typical attire, t-shirt, jeans, running shoes, and hat. I also had 2 phones and a camera in my hand specifically for taking pictures. The room I was lead to was about the size of a public bathroom. There were a few lockers, a bench, a walk-in closet that somehow was transformed into a bathroom, and a set of double doors. In the corner was a toddler-sized organizer. Inside were the faded blue scrubs, in descending order of size. I grabbed my XL scrub top and bottoms along with a hairnet, mouth cover, and booties. After an excruciating 10 minute wait, which felt like an eternity and a half, an O.R. nurse asked if I was ready. That's a funny question, even if you don't feel ready, they are, so it doesn't matter what your answer is. I replied yes because I'm a man, and off I went. I walked in and felt as if I walked into the room naked. Our Dr. and all the nurses turned towards me in unison and just stared at me until I sat down by Lindsay. Lindsay looked beautiful lying there looking at me with her beautiful green eyes and without hesitation I just started talking to the anesthesiologist to help get my mind off of what was going on just beyond the blue curtain of doom. After seemingly a few seconds I could smell the flesh as they started to cauterize her wound open. I remembered that smell vividly and it didn't bother me. As was said here and other posts, I ended up getting sick to my stomach with Chloe's delivery just over a year prior. I never heard the suction of the bodily fluids so I never got curious of where it was going. Before I knew it the anesthesiologist asked if I would like to see her come out of my wife. At that moment I was concerned if I would get the upset stomach or even worse pass out due to lack of blood in my skull. I peeked over the curtain and for no other reason than pure curiosity I stood up. I grabbed the anesthesiologist, just in case I went down I could take someone with me. I looked and saw the inside of my wife's abdomen. I saw this grey-ish  blob with veins all over it, blood, and a number of other red stuff. Next thing I know our Dr. cut the grey blob and all I could see was hair. My heart dropped to my toes along with my mouth. Then a face turned and faced me, the girl that we've waited for for so long was facing me for the first time in her life here on earth. After some wiggling and pulling by the Dr. our blessing was born. They took her to the warmers and cleaned her off real well, wrapped her up, and brought her over to Lindsay and I. We spent a few seconds together before being rushed to the nursery for the newborn check-up. After several minutes in the nursery, with the paparazzi (aka our families) outside the windows, we were taken back to see Lindsay. It wasn't until that moment that I realized two things. One of those things was that I had forgotten about the phones and camera, so I didn't get the pictures I wanted haha, and the other was that I watched my daughter take her first breath, watched her skin meet the outside world for the first time, I witnessed a miracle.

It was a huge change in our life, but we have embraced it with wide open arms and hearts. Every day I fall more in love with what we have created. Every little thing she does warms my heart to extremes that I didn't know were possible. She showed me what the true definition of what a rainbow baby is all about. Just yesterday my best friend told me that for the first time in a long time I looked and seemed happy. I didn't realize that the pain and hurt that I had in my heart and mind were so obvious on the outside. I thought I was hiding it a lot better. Evidently it's not my perception that counts, its that of others. When I held and kissed my daughter for the first time, I felt that unconditional love that I was yearning for since saying my final goodbye to Chloe. Now having Brooke here makes my internal wounds easier to handle. They will never be healed, but she helps us more and more every day.

Monday, March 10, 2014

HPE Awareness Week & Remembering Chloe's Diagnosis

Holoprosencephaly is a big, confusion, hard to say, medical term that in all my years I had never heard until we were pregnant with Chloe.   Holoprosencephaly (HPE, once known as arhinencephaly) is a cephalic disorder in which the prosencephalon (the forebrain of the embryo) fails to develop into two hemispheres.   In some cases it can be a genetically caused disorder, but in Chloe's case, and other babies, as many Dr's put to us "it was a lightening strike of bad luck".  Meaning there's no reason why her brain didn't develop properly, it just happened. 
I remember being angry, confused, and just all around pissed at the world when we found out something was wrong with our Chloe, and it took me a while to come to terms with the fact that our first daughter wouldn't be coming home with us. 
We first thought she had cysts on her brain at 16 wks, and we knew something was wrong, but it wasn't until we were around 18 wks when we saw one of the high risk Dr's that he gave us a more of an idea diagnosis of what Chloe could possibly have.  I remember that day being so mad, I thought we had done everything right.  I recall having to take Chris to work after the appt and just being so hurt, and mad at the world.  Why did something like this happen to us, and to our daughter.  I had been so angry for those 2 wks, that I think it was that afternoon that I was finally done feeling that way.  I remember texting Chris while he was at work and telling him I wanted to give her a name, I was done feeling angry about her condition, and I wanted to do everything we could to make the most of the time we had with her.  Even though we knew we would still have tough days, from that day forward we let it all go and just let God take everything.  Which I know we should of done from the beginning but when your put into a situation like ours, or any tough situation, it hard to just let it all go and not be angry in the beginning.   I think it was that same day that we decided to make this blog, which had def been therapeutic for us, and I pray helpful for others.  We went to Dallas at 20 wks, for the fetal MRI where Dr Twickler had given us the for sure diagnosis that is was HPE, and I remember her asking us what our Dr's thought Chloe could have, and she was very impressed with what information we knew.  She had determined that Chloe's brain didn't develop, or divide, she had a primitive brain, meaning a sack filled with spinal fluid, a little of her brain stem, and cerebellum had developed, but that was it.  All of her movements were reflexive movements due to the brain stem, Chloe didn't know she was making the movements. 
Chris: it, as was said numerous times, was very tough for us. The empty feeling we felt in our chests was just the tip of the iceberg. Also as was said, this blog really helped me realize a couple things. One thing that I have come to realize is that writing takes me to a calm place, a place where I forget my problems as I let it out, a happy place if you will. The other is that I actually enjoy writing now. I've never really had an urge to put my thoughts on paper, or online,  for the world to potentially see.
Recently I decided to remove my Chloe bracelet permanently. It oddly was almost as therapeutic as writing on this is. I wore that bracelet every single day, never took it off, since I put it on. It was me holding on to hope that maybe she would somehow defy reality and come home. I say down, rubbed the bracelet, and laid it around her urn. I'll forever have a piece of her with me and I'm okay with it now. I feel changed, I feel almost human again, I feel almost like I did 2 years ago.

Friday, February 28, 2014

29 Wks and Counting!

I know I haven't wrote in here in a while, but I am now officially at 30wks! 
We also go the results of the glucose test that I had at our 28 wk visit, and everything was good there so I don't have gestational diabetes thankfully!  But I am having gallbladder spasms, which are very uncomfortable, so I was started on a medicine and a diet to help with that.  We are going to go back when I'm 31 wks,  and I think we'll start the every other week visits after that?  I know he had mentioned we may see the high risk Dr one more time just to get his opinion on our possible delivery time due to me having a classical (vertical) incision on my uterus.
It's crazy to think that as early as 7 wks we could be going to have our little girl,  or as late as 9 wks away. O_O I told Chris the other day when I realized how close it was that I didn't think I could do it.  I think I feel that way this time because with Chloe we knew from about 16 wks that there was a very high chance she wouldn't actually come home with us, so we just enjoyed her pregnancy as much as we could, and never went through any preparations for her to come home.  Now we know Puff will be coming home with us and we're going to have a child to take care of for the rest of our lives, it's kind of a surreal feeling this time around.
We also got some maternity pictures done by our friend Mari, with Mari Annelise Photography,  which I recommend to any one in our area.  I will def be posting them soon, I never took any maternity pictures with Chloe, so being able to this time was def something we looked forward to being able to do.
Other then just being tired, and taking random naps when I don't even think I'm that tired, everything's been going really well thankfully.  We've got the nursery basically fully done, just have to touch up a few spots of paint, and get the curtains/ decorations hung.  We've got her crib, changing table, and rocker all where we want them to be too.
I guess I will end this post there, and I will def be posting pictures of her room and our maternity pictures once we have everything!  Just keep praying everything continues to go well for us, and our little miracle!!

Notes from dad: 
I've slowly realized that the days are only getting shorter and the weeks are starting to feel like mere blinks of my eyes. I'm growing nervous, anxious, and overall excited about what is to come. Until this point I've ignored the fact that my life is about to change forever yet again. Chloe's life and (predicted, but) premature passing hit me like a freight train. My life was forever changed by a little girl whom I never got the chance to truly meet. 
Puff, I think will bring joy and light back in to my life. As I've said before, I'm out of the dark hole, yet a big part of me is still missing. It will be a challenge to take care of a child full-time, but it'll be a challenge I'll accept with open arms. 
-Chris

In the picture I am 26 wks pregnant with both Chloe and Puff, you can def tell there is a difference in their growth.

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

25 wks and upadates/milestones!

I am 25 wks as of Sat, and feeling pretty good, minus having strep throat for a second time this pregnancy, and all the lovely coughing/drainage due to this crazy weather we've had.  It really doesn't feel like I'm 6 months along, I guess that's due to the fact that we've known I was pregnant since I was like 2-3 wks along, just like with Chloe's pregnancy. 
We have finally started to feel her movement on the outside of my belly around 24 wks, I've been able to feel her move since about 14 wks.  Chris finally felt a pretty impressive kick on the 22nd, after only feeling light movement before that.  Let me say this little girl has some tough kicks/punches for sure.  Today I finally got her to respond to me pushing a little in a spot that she had just kicked me at, and while I was putting a little pressure she hit hard right on my hand, kind of like a "hey would you watch it!" Lol, I guess she's got the soccer gene all of us Hart kids have.  We didn't get to feel Chloe move quit like we have Puff, even though this is my second pregnancy all of this is def new for us.  With Chloe it was a lot of the butterfly feeling for me, and Chris felt her move just a little a few times, so Puffs movements are def amazing to feel/watch.  Some other updates are that around 35 wks we will know when we will deliver.  It could be as early as the week of April14th (I'll be 36 wks), or as late as the week of April 28th (I'll be 38 wks).  If some of y'all don't know my birthday is April 18th, so this little girls birthday will be very close to mine :).  We discussed at our last Dr's appt that the earlier we deliver there is a chance I will have to do steroid shots before delivery to ensure that Puffs lungs are properly developed before she makes her big appearance.  We've also got her room started, we're painted white and gray stripes on the wall that her crib will sit on, and the other walls are going to be are brighter hot pink. 
We go back to the Dr on the 6th, and then we'll go back 2 wks from then for my 28 wk glucose test.  Still praying everything goes well!!

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Happy 1st Birthday sweet Chloe!!

Little did we know, a year ago today, it would be our first and last time seeing you, or holding you Chloe.  Even though we have pictures to us remember this day, and all the days before,  we still miss you dearly.  I wonder who you would've been if you could of stayed with us, what you would look like, the things you would like.  I am very thankful for the 27 wks that we got to spend with you, even though there were many rough and trying weeks, I wouldn't trade it for the world.  All though you were little, all of 10 inches long, and weighed 10.4 ounces, we know you had the strongest hearts, and are growing so big in heaven.  You made the largest impact on our lives, and will continue to do so in the lives of your siblings.  I pray that you continue to watch over everyone, and am thankful that you have helped to bless us with another little girl that I know will have a little bit of you in her.  I pray that we make you proud everyday, and know that we love you very much.  Till the day we all meet again.  Happy 1st birthday our sweet Chloe!! Mommy and daddy love and miss you so very much!!

Chris:
In the last blog post I decided to release some of my pent up aggression and after it was all said and done I felt real good. It's weird that posting in something like this would have an affect on me. That being said I have decided that it would be in my best interest to keep doing so. 

I'll start off with some sad notes, but will end it the best way I know how. 

I'm sorry Chloe that I couldn't fix what was going on. I was powerless in this and I often feel like I let you down. I know you're up there with Great Granny and PawPaw hanging out and watching over our entire family. 

I was being selfish after you passed away, I kept thinking 'I lost my daughter, why my daughter?, why me?'. I couldn't help it. That day I lost a huge piece of me and I was devastated about it. It wasn't until I was talking to my best friend that I realized how selfish I had become. He had gone through a very rough patch which still haunts him to this day. (which is completely understandable) I couldn't imagine the pain of losing a parent suddenly. I remember looking at him and telling him 'it wasn't just you that lost someone, your dad lost someone, your sister lost someone, everyone she ever came in contact lost a special person.' It wasn't until after I said that, that I realized Chloe wasn't just Lindsay and my baby. It was my mom and dads first grandbaby, my sisters first niece, my mother-in-laws 8th grandbaby, and a new niece/cousin for the litter. 

Another thing that we talked about was the fact that as the 'rule' states, is that you are supposed to bury your parents, not your children. I've heard that saying in the past, but never did I ever think it would apply to me. I know that at some point I will have to bury my mom and dad (God willing, not for many many years from now), but never did I think I would ever have to attend a memorial service for my offspring. 

I remember at the memorial service, the sheer amount of people that showed up. For a little girl, who never graced this earth with her presence, to have a flock of people show up was amazing. For the first time during this whole situation I finally felt and saw what true love and friendship was all about. None of the people that showed up had to, yet they did out of the kindness in their heart. Two nurses from our doctor in Odessa even made the trip which I would've never anticipated. It was great seeing the balloons hit the sky in that iconic heart shape. It was almost like a final goodbye and 'I love you' from that sweet angel in the sky. 

On a lighter note now. This pregnancy has been extremely fun and adventurous to say the least. Everything from the stereotypical morning sickness to the fact that she can't handle chicken cause it's slippery (which for some unknown reason makes her gag) is hilarious. This pregnancy (just like with Chloe) has brought us a lot closer together and our love for each other is greater than I could of ever imagined. Our relationships with our friends also seems stronger as well. It's crazy what a death and pregnancy can do to people. 

I personally wanted to say a big Thank You to anyone that reads this and to everyone that has been a part of our lives, whether it was from the beginning or not. Our friends really helped us through a very rough patch in our lives and there is no way we could ever repay that debt. 

'Let go and let God'
Happy Birthday baby girl! I love you!!