Scarier times

On Wed Oct 24th I was leaving my moms house to head to work, when I noticed some more blood after going to the restroom, and this time was not like the first time, this blood was fairly bright red, and there was much more then before. Thankfully Chris was off work, I finally got a hold of the Dr's office, and since Dr. Martinez wasn't in yet, they scheduled us to see the sonogram tech. We got in and got to see the baby moving and kicking, and got to hear his strong heart beat once again, so we knew he was still okay in there, just didn't know what was going on.  We had to go back that afternoon to see Dr. Martinez, when we got there he had asked me if I could have broken my water, which I of course said 'no?' probably with a very confused look. He then went on to tell us that the amniotic fluid was very low, and the baby's movements this morning were abnormal. Also that the sonogram tech saw some cysts on the Lucas' brain, and that we needed to start seeing a high risk pregnancy Dr. There really wasn't much that he could do for us, but they could help us out a lot more, and have better equipment. So when we left, we felt horrible, how could there be cysts on our baby's brain, and how could they not help us, it just all seemed surreal.  I got a call a little while later from his nurse saying she got us in with Dr. Blanco on the 25th at 2.  After we got back into Midland Chris and I went to my moms house, and just hung out with all of my niece's and nephew's, which really helped clear my mind of any negative thoughts.

The next day I went to work to try to clear my mind, and the ladies that I work with helped me with that, and helped me with all the bad thoughts that were running through my head. After what seemed like an eternity 2 came around, and thankfully Chris' bosses let him take off for the appt so he could be with us. We started out the visit with the nurse doing another sonogram, and that's when she said she thinks that she saw something poking out between the baby's legs, later we found out indeed we were blessed with a little boy. We got to hear his strong heart beat once again, and saw him moving around.  When the Dr finally came in he started another sonogram to look at everything and then started to speak with us.  He started by saying it wasn't easy to say this but our baby was very sick, and the cysts in the brain are very large.  He proceeded to show us where they were on the sonogram of the head, and started to ask us some questions.  I was 16 wks 4 days at the time, but our little Lucas was only measuring 14 wks 4 days, and his amniotic fluid was very low. Dr Blanco had asked if may be I could of had an infection, or ran a fever any time which I hadn't.  He went on to explain that there could be many things that could of happened, from chromosome's not splitting properly, to me having an infection, a possible blood clot, or even in some rare case the baby could of had a stroke. This left me feeling very sad, and confused. I just remember him saying that there could be major brain damage, and he was afraid that there may be nothing that they could do, and that our baby might not make it. He said we would take it all one at a time, and he wanted to start with getting a blood draw from me to test the chromosomes and the possibility for an infection, and we would go back to see his colleague and the genetic counselor and be able to get more informed of what may happen.

After we left Chris had to go back to work, and I think we were both numb to all of the news that was given to us. I was so angry, sad, and confused, it hurt to know that our son may not be here for us to hold and love. I heard the saying God only puts you through what you can handle, but I wanted to know why he thought that we could handle something like this? I didn't feel as strong as I'm sure he knows that I am.  And I got angry thinking of all the women out there who don't care about their pregnancies and they have healthy children, and the women who have healthy kids but they don't give a damn about them, they just go out and never have a care in the world! Why did this happen to us? I thought we were doing everything right, only to be smacked in the face with such horrible news, I know we would be the best parents we could be, and now there was a possibility that we wouldn't get that chance, and it wasn't fair. 

Later that night while Chris was at work, I decided that I wanted our son to have a name, and I wanted that name to have meaning, so I searched for names and came across a few, and when Chris got home from work we both agreed on the name Lucas, which means bringer of the light.  We also chose his middle name to be Owen which means little warrior. No matter what was going to happen our son would have a name and he would know how much he is already loved by his parents. Chris and I both agreed that we would talk to him everyday, and Chris would still kiss him every morning and night. On the 26th Chris had to go to work around 5 am, and much to me I woke up around 4 not in a good mood. Chris had woken up, and I sat there and cried to him and told him how I was feeling and that I was tired of feeling that way that I just wanted our son to be healthy and not have all this negative news.  After Chris left for work I stayed up looking at pinterest when I came across a quote about God. It was then that I decided that I needed to have a talk with him. I started by talking to Lucas and telling him that mommy and daddy needed him to fight and get better, and how much we loved him already. Then I talked to God and asked him for understanding in this time and for strength and courage to get us all through this.  I was handing all of the problems that I had over to him, and I wanted him to know that we needed him. After I prayed and spoke with Lucas, I had what seemed like a major weight lifted off my heart and shoulders. I had decided that I was done with the negative attitude, and worrying about what could be, if something bad was going to happen it would happen in Gods time, and we would get through it when that time came, until then we would celebrate Lucas and this beautiful miracle of pregnancy, take it all one day at a time, and know that we will have done all that we can. When I got to work all of the ladies and Dr Watson were very supportive and helped me stay positive and give me good reinforcement, and prayed over Lucas. Chris, Lucas, and I had received very many nice thoughts and prayers from everyone on FB, and I was receiving many texts from dear friends who helped.  I have never felt so much love, and am so appreciative for all of it. When I got to work all of the ladies and Dr Watson were very supportive and helped me stay positive and give me good reinforcement, and prayed over Lucas.

We go back to the Dr on Nov 5th to speak with the counselor and get another sonogram done, and hopefully be able to understand Lucas' situation better.  We just want to give a big thank you to everyone out there who has us in their thoughts and their prayers. Once we know more we will keep posting and keep everyone up to date.