You would have been 3...

 

Dear Chloe,

 

Today you're 3 years old, where has all of the time gone.  I've been thinking for a while what I wanted to write you on your birthday.  I want it to be perfect.
 

Let me start by saying Happy Birthday Chloe, our beautiful angel!!  We love and miss you!  We think about you often, and when I look at your little sister I wonder how much alike or different you two would be.  I'm thankful you helped to send us Brooke by the way.  I wonder constantly of how much alike you two would look.  I'm sure you'd both get mistaken for each other just like your aunts and I do all the time.
 

I pray your party is beautiful as the angels help to sing you happy birthday.  I bet it's an amazing sight to see.  Be sure to give your PawPaw and Great Granny some extra hugs for us too.  We'll be sending some balloons to you this afternoon that we hope you'll like.  And of course I'll let sister help eat your cupcake. :)
 

They say time heals all wounds, but I think it just softens the pain.  It still hurts and some days are better then most, but it helps to know we have some amazing guardian angels watching over us.  I know you have made us better, stronger, more thoughtful and compassionate; and for that I am forever grateful. I wish everyone could see into the layers of themselves to see more of who they are, but without having to go through the tragedy part.
 

Happy birthday our sweet baby Chloe, we love and miss you!!
 

Love, Mommy, Daddy, and Sister
 

photo credit Pinterest 

photo credit Pinterest 

Where is Time Going?

As I sit here and watch Brooke play with her Minnie Mouse tea set I can't believe how big she's gotten, and what a personality she's developed in 15 months.  I know in just a bit we'll head to the bedroom, cuddle and probably watch Octonauts as she slowly drifts off to sleep.  I think with kids starting school, and seeing all of my nieces and nephews grow older it's gotten me kind of emotional.  My baby isn't much of a baby anymore, she's a dancing, smiling, laughing, talktive, crazy at times, fun loving, not so little bundle of joy.  I think of that saying, "you'll never get this time with your kids again, so cherish it", and believe me Chris and I def do.  Some may think we spoil Brooke, but my thinking is you can never spoil a kid with too much love and affection.  A friend pinned a picture that I think is so true it said something like, 'No matter who comes into their lives, they will never love them as much as I do'.

My oldest niece is starting Jr high this year.  I just need to let that sink in, this young lady who's about my height now that I used to change her diapers, and coached her soccer team since she was 4, is starting Jr high.  I think it's hard to fathom that she's grown so much in what feels like such a little amount of time.  I feel the same with Brooke, it was just yesterday we were bringing her home from the hospital wasn't it??

Chris and I have talked about having more kids, and while we def do, hopefully it won't be soon, maybe 2-3 years.  Unless God's plan for us is different of course.  I think right now we have our hands pretty full with this little gymnast that's climbing onto the couch and attacking us.

With everything that has happened in our life's in the past 3 years of our totally imperfectness.  Just sitting here on the couch with Brooke stealing my phone and saying cheese at the camera, and Chris playing a little xbox, it feels pretty perfect to me.  I'm sure it helps that we have some pretty amazing people watching over us.  I hope everyone has great days back to school, and a wonderful school year!

Still has one beautiful smile

Squishy face with daddy

Taboo

Did you know that 1 in 4 women will have some sort of pregnancy loss?  That's 25% of women, yet no one talks about it.

I watched the YouTube vogglers Nia and Sam's video which has been circulating around FB about him announcing her pregnancy to her. (Check it out here https://youtu.be/GODw8TuinNQ)  It was a very cute (and somewhat odd) video and seeing how happy they were made me very happy for them.  Unfortunately today I saw a video of theirs where they sadly announced that they had miscarried.  It's so sad to hear and read. They were all so excited and unfortunately it came to an ubrupt end.  I know that feeling all to well. 

A big thing that bothers me though is the comments that they're receiving, some saying that they "faked" the pregnancy, and others saying "they announced to early". I read she was around 6-7 wks along.  I know it's taboo to announce before 12 wks to anyone but we announced both of our pregnancies before 12 wks, and I have a child in heaven and a healthy one here on Earth.  It's hard to keep the joys of pregnancy quiet. I know some think it will jinx a healthy pregnancy, but you get to be happy for a little bit longer. God forbid something bad does happen, you don't have to go about it alone.  It's sad that our society makes us feel like it's wrong to talk about pregnancy loss, or child loss because it's taboo and makes people uncomfortable. However you know what it's even more uncomfortable for the people going through it? Knowing that they can't talk about their loss cause it makes things weird.  What all those parents need sometimes is for someone to talk to, to listen to them, to let them know they are still parents, or to just simply speak about their child. 

Going back to the statistic at the first, if you have 3 of your closest friends in a circle with you, 1 person statistically in that circle will, God forbid, miscarry. 1 in 4 is not a big number.  It sucks to become a statistic, and when it happens, you feel like you're the only one going through it, even though you know you're not.  In the past 2 years since Chloe's birth it seems like there has been more awareness being brought up about pregnancy and child loss. I may notice because we're one family that has been through it, but I have the hope that one day it won't be so taboo to talk about. It can happen to anyone at any time and unfortunately no one is exempt.

Dad:

After going through what we did, I learned a few valuable lessons. Talking about it to people, to me, is a double edged sword. It feels good to let it out, but it feels like ripping off a bandaid. If someone talks to you about their situation and really let's you know how their heart feels, listen to them. They are opening up their heart and soul to you and letting you see their vulnerable side. When our daughter was given the grim diagnosis I had a tough time talking to anyone. I didn't want people to know how bad it hurt. To this day I regret not letting anyone in 100%. The only real person who has seen my dark side is my wife. It's a dark and deep space that is slowly, but surely, getting occupied by Brooke. She has truly changed my mind and heart more than anything in the world. What happened with Chloe will be in my heart and soul forever. It's a love/hate issue. I loved the fact that I was able to hold her, kiss her, and pray over her. However I hated it because I knew I'd never hold her, kiss her, or see her ever again. There isn't a tougher feeling in the world to overcome than that of a child that has been ripped out of your life for no reason and there is nothing you can do to fix it.

Happy 2nd Birthday Chloe!!

           2 years ago today, we said hello and good-bye to our angel, Chloe Aria.  As most of you who know us or read this blog know we found out at 16 wks pregnancy that Chloe had a condition called Primitive Alobar Holoprosencephaly (HPE).  Meaning that in her development her brain did not properly develop, all that had developed was her brain stem, and a cranial sack of cerebral spinal fluid.  Now 3+ years ago never would I of thought I would know such big medical terms, how to spell them, or let alone what they actually meant.  I also never would have thought that I would be effected directly by a condition like this, I’ve seen miscarriages in our family and friends, but never pregnancy loss resulting in stillbirth.  Now that being said, some of you may think that Chloe was a miscarriage, but in the medical field she was a stillbirth, if a pregnancy ends after 20 wks it is no longer considered miscarriage, we had her at 27 wks.   

In our state of mind and life now looking back, that was one of the darkest times of our lives, but Chris and I lived it to the fullest and tried to look for the best in all of the situations we were handed.  I believe our faith was tested to the fullest, and we def came out stronger than I thought we would of.  Some people may think, ‘well if you knew she was going to pass away anyway, why go through the pregnancy, and just terminate?’  Well that’s a good questions, that was an option that the Dr’s had gave us. For some people that may be the easy thing for them to do, but as I had told Chris when we were discussing our options, I didn’t want to choose the day that our daughter died.  Now that may seem morbid, why hold on if you know she won’t make it?  Because I wanted her to go when she was ready to go, and when God said it was her time.  I know that if we would of done the other option I probably wouldn’t of had to have any c-section’s, or have to have a classical c-section making it where all of my pregnancies I have to always have a c-section.  But that was just a minor bump that I really don’t mind, both of my sections were not bad at all, and I honestly prefer it, it’s not like I have a choice anyway. ;)

           The past 2 years we haven’t mourned too often, but we’ve celebrated Chloe’s life and the blessings that she has sent our way.  I can see her in Brooke every day, and yes I do wonder, would it be this way if Chloe had been fine, but I know that we wouldn’t have Brooke here.  Chloe was sent to us for a reason, and we got to see our guardian angel being born on January 8, 2013.  I know that she has helped watch over us since that day, and helped to send us Brooke. 

Happy Birthday Chloe, we love and miss you very much!

p.s. I wanted to say thank you to our family and friends who have been here for us, we appreciate it more than y’all will  ever know, and seeing/feeling all the love today has def helped me smile.

Brooke def liked releasing the balloons for big sister!

And helping to eat her cupcake!

HPE Awareness Week & Remembering Chloe's Diagnosis

Holoprosencephaly is a big, confusion, hard to say, medical term that in all my years I had never heard until we were pregnant with Chloe.   Holoprosencephaly (HPE, once known as arhinencephaly) is a cephalic disorder in which the prosencephalon (the forebrain of the embryo) fails to develop into two hemispheres.   In some cases it can be a genetically caused disorder, but in Chloe's case, and other babies, as many Dr's put to us "it was a lightening strike of bad luck".  Meaning there's no reason why her brain didn't develop properly, it just happened. 

I remember being angry, confused, and just all around pissed at the world when we found out something was wrong with our Chloe, and it took me a while to come to terms with the fact that our first daughter wouldn't be coming home with us. 

We first thought she had cysts on her brain at 16 wks, and we knew something was wrong, but it wasn't until we were around 18 wks when we saw one of the high risk Dr's that he gave us a more of an idea diagnosis of what Chloe could possibly have.  I remember that day being so mad, I thought we had done everything right.  I recall having to take Chris to work after the appt and just being so hurt, and mad at the world.  Why did something like this happen to us, and to our daughter.  I had been so angry for those 2 wks, that I think it was that afternoon that I was finally done feeling that way.  I remember texting Chris while he was at work and telling him I wanted to give her a name, I was done feeling angry about her condition, and I wanted to do everything we could to make the most of the time we had with her.  Even though we knew we would still have tough days, from that day forward we let it all go and just let God take everything.  Which I know we should of done from the beginning but when your put into a situation like ours, or any tough situation, it hard to just let it all go and not be angry in the beginning.   I think it was that same day that we decided to make this blog, which had def been therapeutic for us, and I pray helpful for others.  We went to Dallas at 20 wks, for the fetal MRI where Dr Twickler had given us the for sure diagnosis that is was HPE, and I remember her asking us what our Dr's thought Chloe could have, and she was very impressed with what information we knew.  She had determined that Chloe's brain didn't develop, or divide, she had a primitive brain, meaning a sack filled with spinal fluid, a little of her brain stem, and cerebellum had developed, but that was it.  All of her movements were reflexive movements due to the brain stem, Chloe didn't know she was making the movements. 

Chris: it, as was said numerous times, was very tough for us. The empty feeling we felt in our chests was just the tip of the iceberg. Also as was said, this blog really helped me realize a couple things. One thing that I have come to realize is that writing takes me to a calm place, a place where I forget my problems as I let it out, a happy place if you will. The other is that I actually enjoy writing now. I've never really had an urge to put my thoughts on paper, or online,  for the world to potentially see.

Recently I decided to remove my Chloe bracelet permanently. It oddly was almost as therapeutic as writing on this is. I wore that bracelet every single day, never took it off, since I put it on. It was me holding on to hope that maybe she would somehow defy reality and come home. I say down, rubbed the bracelet, and laid it around her urn. I'll forever have a piece of her with me and I'm okay with it now. I feel changed, I feel almost human again, I feel almost like I did 2 years ago.

Happy 1st Birthday sweet Chloe!!

Little did we know, a year ago today, it would be our first and last time seeing you, or holding you Chloe.  Even though we have pictures to us remember this day, and all the days before,  we still miss you dearly.  I wonder who you would've been if you could of stayed with us, what you would look like, the things you would like.  I am very thankful for the 27 wks that we got to spend with you, even though there were many rough and trying weeks, I wouldn't trade it for the world.  All though you were little, all of 10 inches long, and weighed 10.4 ounces, we know you had the strongest hearts, and are growing so big in heaven.  You made the largest impact on our lives, and will continue to do so in the lives of your siblings.  I pray that you continue to watch over everyone, and am thankful that you have helped to bless us with another little girl that I know will have a little bit of you in her.  I pray that we make you proud everyday, and know that we love you very much.  Till the day we all meet again.  Happy 1st birthday our sweet Chloe!! Mommy and daddy love and miss you so very much!!

Chris:

In the last blog post I decided to release some of my pent up aggression and after it was all said and done I felt real good. It's weird that posting in something like this would have an affect on me. That being said I have decided that it would be in my best interest to keep doing so. 

I'll start off with some sad notes, but will end it the best way I know how. 

I'm sorry Chloe that I couldn't fix what was going on. I was powerless in this and I often feel like I let you down. I know you're up there with Great Granny and PawPaw hanging out and watching over our entire family. 

I was being selfish after you passed away, I kept thinking 'I lost my daughter, why my daughter?, why me?'. I couldn't help it. That day I lost a huge piece of me and I was devastated about it. It wasn't until I was talking to my best friend that I realized how selfish I had become. He had gone through a very rough patch which still haunts him to this day. (which is completely understandable) I couldn't imagine the pain of losing a parent suddenly. I remember looking at him and telling him 'it wasn't just you that lost someone, your dad lost someone, your sister lost someone, everyone she ever came in contact lost a special person.' It wasn't until after I said that, that I realized Chloe wasn't just Lindsay and my baby. It was my mom and dads first grandbaby, my sisters first niece, my mother-in-laws 8th grandbaby, and a new niece/cousin for the litter. 

Another thing that we talked about was the fact that as the 'rule' states, is that you are supposed to bury your parents, not your children. I've heard that saying in the past, but never did I ever think it would apply to me. I know that at some point I will have to bury my mom and dad (God willing, not for many many years from now), but never did I think I would ever have to attend a memorial service for my offspring. 

I remember at the memorial service, the sheer amount of people that showed up. For a little girl, who never graced this earth with her presence, to have a flock of people show up was amazing. For the first time during this whole situation I finally felt and saw what true love and friendship was all about. None of the people that showed up had to, yet they did out of the kindness in their heart. Two nurses from our doctor in Odessa even made the trip which I would've never anticipated. It was great seeing the balloons hit the sky in that iconic heart shape. It was almost like a final goodbye and 'I love you' from that sweet angel in the sky. 

On a lighter note now. This pregnancy has been extremely fun and adventurous to say the least. Everything from the stereotypical morning sickness to the fact that she can't handle chicken cause it's slippery (which for some unknown reason makes her gag) is hilarious. This pregnancy (just like with Chloe) has brought us a lot closer together and our love for each other is greater than I could of ever imagined. Our relationships with our friends also seems stronger as well. It's crazy what a death and pregnancy can do to people. 

I personally wanted to say a big Thank You to anyone that reads this and to everyone that has been a part of our lives, whether it was from the beginning or not. Our friends really helped us through a very rough patch in our lives and there is no way we could ever repay that debt. 

'Let go and let God'

Happy Birthday baby girl! I love you!!

Keeping this blog/ Update

I had a friend ask if we were going to keep up with this blog, or if we were going to create a new blog for this pregnancy, and honestly I want to keep this blog and just continue to write about our adventures with our rainbow baby, Chloe, and future babies.

I am currently 13 wks, and all scans are looking great, we've got to see a lot of Coco Puffs movement, which we didn't get to see Chloe move much.  Her movements were more reflexive movements which is common with HPE, were as Puffs seem to be more normal, I guess would be the right way to describe it?  I'm finally starting to get more of a pregnant belly now, instead of a "is she pregnant or just gaining weight" belly lol. We're also going to see Martinez every week for now to keep an eye on the fluid since we're always paranoid about it since Chloe's was so low early on, but as he said the fluid looks great, and there's a lot of it.  We also discussed going to see the high risk drs for a more extensive exam to check Puff's development, which I don't know when that'll be, I'm guessing around 16 wks, since that's when we found out there was a development problem with Chloe.  Another confidence booster with this pregnancy, besides having good feelings has been that Puff has always measured right on with the weeks that I am, were as Chloe always measured around a week behind.  I'll post sonograms below of Chloe and of Puff so everyone can see the differences that Chris and I are seeing  already as well.  I guess I will leave off the blog here, and write more posts later, keep checking back :)!!

Puff's 10 wk sonogram 

Chloe's 12 wk sonogram, you can tell her fluid was getting low here 

Puff's 13 wk sonogram, you can tell Puff's fluid is much different from Chloe's 12 wk sonogram

Another of Puff's 13 wk sonogram, the pointer is pointing at toesies 

Praying this is our Rainbow

On Aug 28th, around 6 pm Chris and I got the amazing news that Chloe helped answer some of our prayers and sent us another child.  I am 9 wks pregnant currently, and it has been very difficult to keep it quiet since we found out when I was around 2-3 wks.  Chris and I are both confident in that this pregnancy will go differently if you will, we're still hoping and praying though, this time is already very different from Chloe's pregnancy. 

I remember before we found out with Chloe I had gained weight quickly and people thought I was pregnant right away, and this time that was not the case, my belly is slowly starting to round and stick out more, also I was never really sick in the beginning with Chloe either and now I've had all day morning sickness/nausea, which I've heard is a good thing.

We got to see Dr Martinez at 6 wks and saw our little coco puff and the heart beat, which was amazing since you usually can't see it that early on.  We got to hear the heart beat at 7 wks, and again at 8 wks, and Dr Martinez said everything is looking great, which is def comforting and helping with our nervousness.  We are set to go back when I am about 11-12 wks and I know some people are wondering if we will be seeing the Dr more, and as he and the nurses kindly told us if we want to come in anytime between appts just to see the baby or anything like that we can def give them a call and they would be more then happy to get us in.  Which knowing that is a major comfort and weight lifted off of us.  We have also talked about seeing the high risk Drs sometime for a more extensive exam and to check development and everything like that.  We don't know when that will be yet, I'm thinking it may be around 16 wks since that is when we found out there was concern with Chloe.  Chris and I are def nervous, excited, and all of the other emotions that come along, but we have a sense of comfort, I like to think it's from Chloe and God letting us know everything will be alright.

I also don't want anyone to think we are replacing Chloe, because there is nothing in this world that can EVER replace her, we are simply adding to our amazing family, and giving her a sibling to watch over.  We still miss her everyday, and I know that I talk and think of her all the time, and we are so grateful that we had her for the time we did.  We are lucky enough to know who one of our guardian angels are, and who will help to watch over our children, along with her pawpaw and great granny.  

I guess I will end this post for the moment and I would like to ask everyone to keep our family in your thoughts and prayers please!  Also I would like to thank everyone for all of their kind words of excitement and love that we have received, it means so much to me!

Our announcement picture

So many questions

As the days pass, we miss our Chloe more and more, and wonder why she couldn't physically be here with us.  On Friday the 11th we had to go to Ellis funeral home to sign the rest of the papers for her cremation, and that has to be on of the hardest thing that a parents has to do.  I've been walking around a lot easier thankfully, mainly just sitting down and getting up are still a little sore but not as bad.  Chris has been absolutely amazing with helping me, and just being the amazing person that he is.  I keep telling him hes going to bust my staples cause he keeps making jokes and its so hard to laugh, but its nice to laugh and smile when we just want to cry. 

I've had a people tell me that they have no idea the feelings that Chris and I are experiencing, and I must say I would never wish it on anyone.  Even though we knew she was sick and wouldn't be with us, no amount of preparation could have prepared us for the emotions that came with losing our little girl.  I just remember telling Chris that I felt like it was okay for her to go, but I really didn't mean it.  I know that her pawpaw, and great grandparents who are in heaven, and God and Jesus are taking care of her, but I want to know that she's okay.  As selfish as it is I just want her here with us, I wanted to be able to see her smile, watch her grow up, start a family of her own, just hear her say mommy and daddy, and just be able to hear her say I love you too.  As our genetics counselor told us the only thing she ever knew was love, and that's comforting.  I know that someday Chris and I will have more children, or as he says twins, and they will know all about their big sister and how beautiful she is, and that she will always be watching over them.  I just wish we could see our baby, and just knew why her, why did God choose her to come home so soon?  Chloe's days here changed everything, and she is so missed, and loved so so much.  I know it'll get better, and I know in my heart Chris and I will get through this, but its so hard.

Chloe's birth announcement

Our guardian Chloe Aria

Chloe Aria Martin

Born: January 8, 2013

Time 8:28 AM 

Weight: 10.4 ounces 

Length: 10 inches 

As we sit here in the hospital room and listen to the rain, I can't help but think how appropriate the weather has been for these past couple days.  We came over to the hospital on the 8th at 5:30 to start the process of the c-section.  They put us in the L&D room, and I think shortly after 6:30 the nurses started the IV and drew blood and everything which made me even more nervous.  It was about 7:45 when they took us back to the OR, did my spinal tap and did the preparation.  I believe the surgery started shortly after 8, which it went well, as Dr Fanous said they had to do a classical incision on my uterus (which means it was a cross incision).  He came in to speak with us today and let us know that the placenta was indeed covering over my cervix, which the sonograms were showing it was low lying and to the right.  So if we tried to dilate and have a natural birth it would of ended in a c-section. 

I was wheeled back into our L&D room after the section at about 9:30, and they brought little Chloe in as well.  I was kind of out of it at first but came to pretty quick, and Chris looked at Chloe first and held her and was telling me she had my nose, and as we say the Hart toes.  A few mins later the nurse came in and brought her for me to hold, and she perfect just how she was.  Even though she was so tiny she had long legs like her daddy, his hands, my nose, and as Chris says my squinty eyes.  The nurse asked if we had any arrangements made for her yet, and Chris had to unfortunately call the funeral home to set up the cremation and her pick up.  As he said that was they hardest phone call he's had to make.  We had Chloe in the room with us for I believe 3-4 hrs, and in that time an amazing lady came in and took some very sweet pictures for us, and we received a large memory box from ABC Ministry which came with a small pink hat and matching pink blanket.  (We brought her a hat and blanket but sadly the hat was way to large for her and the blanket was to big too.)  The memory box has a lot more items in it as well, and the hospital gave us a pillow that has a teddy bear holding a baby angel that says "Even Angels need a place to rest", which our nurse put prints of her tiny feet on and all of her birth information.  Shortly after we finished with the pictures a lady came from the funeral home to pick Chloe up which was probably the hardest part of it all, and she was speaking with us about what will be done and gave us a little more time with Chloe.  Chris picked her up from the little bed and let me hold her again,  we decided to say a little prayer over her and told her how much we loved her, how much she's changed everything for us already, and how we wanted God, her PawPaw and great granny to take great care of her until our time came.  Chris held her one more time and let the lady know she could come back on, and helped wrap her in the blankets, we told her we loved her once again and we sadly had to let her go.  Chris and I cried for a while and just hugged each other, and as I told Chris "we've got this, we are going to get through this, and Chloe is always going to be with us."  

It was about 1:30 when we were taken to our room now.  We've gotten a lot of nice flowers and gifts, and thank you to everyone who's sent them or brought them by to us.  Also for all of our amazing family and friends who have came to see us, y'all are so nice to make the little trip to Odessa, thank you all again! 

 My incision pain hasn't been to bad, and Chris actually was able to help me out of the bed several times today and have walked the hallway.  When Dr Fanous came to speak with us earlier and said he would be by tomorrow around lunch time and we would most likely be going home shortly after that.  We've had very nice nurses helping us, but I think Chris and I are both ready to just be in the comfort of our home and our bed.  Chris has been so amazing through all of this, and has been such a great help.  We realized when he held Chloe, he held his first actual baby (he's always afraid he's going to break them), but she fit just right in daddy's hands and that sweet look of love on his face, made me even more happy that we found each other.  

But I guess I will end this post here and try to get some rest, I will continue to blog if any of you were wondering! 

Thank you again to everyone for their kind words and prayers, it's comforting knowing that so many care and have love for Chloe and us! 

1. Chloe's tiny foot prints with our wedding bands

Extremely sad day

It's hard to type this blog tonight, as most know our precious Chloe's big heart stopped beating, we think she may have passed between Thursday the 3rd and Friday the 4th.  As i posted previously we went to Dr on the 2nd and we got to hear her heart beating, but on Fri Chris got out our home fetal heart beat machine and tried for about 30 mins to find her, and we weren't able to.  Of course being hopeful we just thought maybe she was turned where we couldn't hear it well, we tried again Sat with no luck there either.  We kind of thought maybe she had passed, but were holding onto the hope that she hadn't yet.  I called this morning and talked to the nurses and we got into one of the high risk Drs at 9:30 this morning.  Which when we got back and started the sonogram Chris and I couldn't see her heart beat like we normally could, and the nurse seemed kind of sad but didn't say anything.  A few mins went by and before the Dr came in the nurse did another scan and we could see she had put the pointer where we could hear the heart beat, and unfortunately we couldn't hear anything, and there was a straight line on the screen, I of course started to tear up cause we've seen so many sonograms in the past couple months that we know pretty much a lot of whats going on without anyone saying.  Shortly after Chris asked if her heart had stopped, and the nurse was kind of quiet for a moment and said unfortunately I couldn't get it, and it appeared she started to tear up as well.  The Dr came in a little while after and was speaking with us, and said well as you know her heart has stopped, which we knew without her saying, it just sucked actually hearing it.  She went on to talk to us about everything, and was extremely kind and said that she could tell that we loved Chloe very much, and that she was lucky to have us as parents.

After we left that office we headed over to Dr Martinez and Dr Fanous' offices to speak with Dr Fanous about the delivery plans.  We also got her measured before we left, and she is def tiny, her head was measuring about 20 wk, and her body is averaging about 18-19 wks, which is what she measured about 7 wks ago.  We are going to go to Odessa Regional Hospital tomorrow morning to have a c-section at 7:30 am. They let us know that we would get prints of Chloe's hands and feet, we have the opportunity to have some pictures of her taken, and we can even have some time with her privately to hold her and everything, we will also have a pastor coming by to give her a blessing, and to pray with us, and I'm sure few other things I'm probably forgetting.

 I just want to say that everyone we have come in contact with at both Dr Martinez, Fanous, and the regional perinatal centers have been so amazing and so kind to us, and have help so much with everything.  The nurse's have been so stellar and the Drs are amazing, I know Dr Martinez, Dr Fanous, and all the nurses don't have to deal with sick baby's like Chloe everyday, but they have been so amazing and helpful to us every step of the way, it makes me so much happier that we have them.

Also on a happier note, we have raised a little over $200 so far with the donations we have received for Chloe's bracelets!  I know we still have some donations coming in, and thank you to everyone who has donated, it makes me very happy that ABC Ministry is going to get so much from all of us.  I know some have asked what the address is to donate and here it is:
ABC Ministry
c/o Diane Eggermeyer
PO Box 65
Midkiff, Tx 79755

I just wanted to thank everyone once again for all of the kind words, and thoughts for us and Chloe, she is our little guardian angel, and I know she will always be with us.  We will keep everyone up to date as things come along.  We love you all!

 

"So do not fear, for I am with you;

do not be dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you and help you;

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Isaiah 41:10

Latest dr visits

Sorry I haven't updated everyone on how our Drs appts have went lately, with Christmas it's been crazy busy for us. 

We went to the Dr on the 18th, and Chloe's heart is still beating. Which to be honest was a surprise due to how extremely low her fluid is, but it was bittersweet to hear it. On the sonograms it's hard to seem much of her besides her head due to the low fluid. I received a call from one of the nurses letting me know Dr Martinez wanted to see us on Friday the 21st due to the long weekend and just discuss something's with us. We went in that morning and he let us know during Chloe's delivery for my safety we will have to do a c-section. He had let us know he had spoke with some fellow

Drs who have dealt with babies who pass and informed him that once Chloe passes there is a chance that my body could release a toxin called DIC (Disseminated intravascular coagulation) which will cause my blood to not clot. The possibility of the toxin and my placenta previa causing me to possibly bleed would not be good for my safety. We had an idea from the beginning that we would have to have a c-section due to the placenta previa, and the holoprosencephaly causing Chloe's head to be larger. It sucks to know that I will have to have a surgery and not be able to bring home our daughter, but knowing that it is what is safest makes it better. As Chris and I have said c-sec are so common nowadays it's really not something to worry about having. We will go back to see him in the afternoon of the 27th, I'll be sure to give an update much sooner that our visit. 

Tiny 6 month belly

A little update

I'm sure some of y'all have wondered where I've been since we've been to a couple Dr's visits since my last post.  Sorry for not posting sooner and keeping everyone up to date on things so far, I had finals for my classes, which I thankfully passed!

Okay so we went to the high risk Dr's on Dec 6th, which it was pretty much over everything we already knew from the MRI and her condition, we are starting to only see Dr. Martinez once again since there isn't much the other Dr's can do now that we know what exactly Chloe's condition is.  We also saw Dr. Martinez on Dec 6th and the 10th, and the amniotic fluid is extremely low, I believe they said it was in the 1/3 percentile for what it should be, and of course in the sonograms we can tell that there isn't much fluid there.  We also talked to Dr. Martinez about what will happen next which was very hard.  With the fluid being as low as it is, he bluntly let us know that he didn't believe she would be with us much longer, and he would be surprised if she made it to Christmas.  We and Dr. Martinez all agreed that we didn't want to do anything until Chloe's heart stopped beating, which feels right in my heart to do, as much as I don't want her to be in pain anymore I can't come to having her before she's ready to let go.  Unfortunately with my placenta previa and Chloe's holoprosencephaly when she passes away the delivery as he said will be a little tricky.  They wouldn't be able to induce me like they would anyone else because her head isn't as hard as any other baby, and the placenta previa, it could cause bleeding, and there would be a possibility that I could start to bleed out, causing a c-section to be done.  Honestly I'm not nervous about having a c-sec if it came to that, but as Dr. Martinez had said he wants to prevent it if possibly due to the fact that I would have one and not have a baby to take home afterwards.  We'll go back to see Martinez tomorrow the 18th to check Chloe's heart, and of course go from there.

I also have to say that I'm very saddened to read about the shooting in Connecticut, on my facebook I've seen the pictures going around of the poor children who passed away due to that senseless act, and it really breaks my heart.  I can't fully imagine what it feels like to loose a child like that, I guess no one ever really does.

Sometimes, when the sun goes down,
It seems it will never rise again,
but it will!
Sometimes, when you feel alone,
It seems your heart will break in two,
but it won't.
And sometimes, it seems,
It's hardly worthwhile carrying on,
But it is.
For sometimes, when the sun goes down,
It seems it will never rise again,
But it does.

- Frank Brown

Some thoughts and music

Let me start off by saying thank you to everyone who continues to pray for us, and thinks about us and Chloe, they help to know that so many people already care so much for her.  Also we got to see a picture of her angel bear that ABC Ministry's had done for us, and let me say it is so beautiful, we'll receive her tomorrow at our Drs visit, and I am very excited to see her in person. 

I picked up my baby niece yesterday from school, and on the way to my moms house (Nana) she asked me something that was so innocent and with this sweet concerned face, she said "Gomo why is the baby going to heaven?"  To be honest I wasn't expecting a question like that, I went on to tell her that "Chloe had a boo-boo on her brain, and she's sick.  But it'll be okay cause she'll be in heaven with PawPaw, and God, and Jesus, and she'll be watching over us."  Of course only being 5 I'm not sure if she completely understands it all, but her asking that kind of made me realize just how much Chloe's situation is effecting everyone.  I knew it would, but I guess before that question I never realized how much.  One of my nephews started hugging me lately and saying "when is that baby going to get here?" and I just tell him it'll be a while, but it'll be alright.  And today my oldest niece asked how Chloe was doing, and being 9 I was able to explain to her a little easier that Chloe's sick, I think she can understand it a little better due to the fact that she can remember when my dad, their PawPaw, passed away.

I knew all of this would effect everyone in our families, and our friends, but you never really know till something like that happens.  (Chloe is Chris' family's first grandbaby, and will be my family's 8th grandbaby.)  I also heard from a friend at work that shared the poem from my last poem with her friend who lost twins, and told me that it helped her out, and hearing that it helps me know that us having this blog is a good thing not only for us, but its helping others too.  I know most may never experience anything like this personally, but if it helps them to just hug their kids a little tighter, or anything like that, I feel like Chloe's time with us would of helped so many others.

As I said in the last post music is a big thing for me to express the emotions that we are experiencing, and I'd like to share some very good songs with everyone, maybe y'all can check them out, and maybe they'll help you with something too!  (I'll post a link to the song on youtube as well.)

1 "Gone to Soon"- Daughtry     This song I feel explains how we feel right now, and some of the lyrics just seem to speak to me.  One part says "Would you have been president?
Or a painter, a author or sing like your mother" and if you know me you know that I love to paint, and a little known fact about Chris is he loves to write, and can write about anything. Also "what would you look like? would you have my smile and her eyes?" which really makes me think of Chris' dream the other night when he saw Chloe.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YvpoYxwI08M

2 "If You Could See Me Now"- Jeff Bates   Whats unique about this song is he wrote a song that my dad heard a little before he passed away and liked and we played it at his funeral, and Bates is my dad's mom (my grandma) maiden name.  This song is very sweet too, and just talks about from a child who passed point of view and how they are okay, and happy in heaven.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yyzsggy3uuE

3 "I Will Carry You"- Selah   This song is very sweet and the singer wrote this song because when she was pregnant with her 4th daughter they knew was going to pass away shortly after her birth, and is def a look into how they feel.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pxZhEcTzn6Q

4 "My Name"- George Canyon  This music video is sad, and really tells the story of the song, a couple are having their baby and she passes away, but they never knew what they were having, and even though we know we are having a little girl, it is def a sweet song, and video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FbUWw1SKc8Q


Before I end this post, I also wanted to share this poem I found for Chris, and for really any dad out there who's lost a child, and really makes you remember they are losing something too:

 It must be very difficult

To be a man in grief,
Since "men don't cry"
and "men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.

It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test,
And field the calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.

They always ask if she's all right
And what she's going through.
But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, but how are you?"

He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break.
He dries her tears and comforts her,
But "stays strong" for her sake.

It must be very difficult
To start each day anew.
And try to be so very brave-
He lost his baby too.

-Eileen Knight Hagemeister

Chloe's Angel bear by ABC Ministry's

Chloe Aria

Well the Dr was wrong on the sonogram about the gender of our baby, the chromosome test came back and we are actually having a little girl, her name is Chloe Aria. Chloe means 'blooming' and Aria means 'melody', so if you think about it she is our blooming melody.  Honestly I love our child no matter if we were having a Lucas or a Chloe!

On to the news we received today, we saw Dr Bruener, who works in the same office with Blanco, and today we discovered our Chloe's brain did not develop and she only has a brain stem, and the Dr's have no idea how much longer she will live. If she lives till birth, and is born she could be a still born, or if she is alive she will not be able to do anything and be in a permanent vegetative state, and there is a high chance she will not make it past a month of life. They believe she has a condition called 'Hydranencephaly' which is a rare condition that effects about 1 in 200,000 births in the U.S. or there's a possibility she has another rare condition called 'Holoprosencephaly' which effects about 1 in 5,000-10,000 births. Both conditions are very similar, and just with the sonograms they are unable to be 100% sure what is going on.  We are going to be sent to Dallas for a fetal MRI to give us a better diagnosis of what she has within the next couple of weeks. Sadly there is no known cure, or reason why this happens, or what causes it, as the Dr said this is like a 'lighting strike'.  Also our chromosome tests all came back fine, and also the infection test all came back negative, which was a plus of the visit.  The genetic counselor spoke with us as well, and she was very helpful, she told us about a perinatal hospice care that is available, and also gave us some website with support groups of families who have went through this, she also informed us of an organization called ABC Ministry (Angel Baby Creations Ministry in Midkiff and St Lawrence, TX) who takes a recording of the baby's heart beat, puts it into a teddy bear, and monograms the baby's name on the front in a heart.  We decided to go ahead and do the recording and send off for a bear, because I know that there is a chance that we could go to any one of these visits and not be able to hear our Chloe's heart beat again.

It's been a long day, and hearing more bad news hurts, but I believe Chris and I are in a better place to hear it all and take it in this time, because sadly its not that much of a shock for bad news this time around.  We understand that we may be delivering our little Angel much sooner then we thought, and that is tough to comprehend, but we both understand that she will be in heaven watching over us, and her future siblings, and she'll get to meet her PawPaw, her many great grandparent's, and many other relatives that are in heaven as well, which helps.  We won't go back to the Dr's until Dec 6th, which hopefully by then we will have already been to Dallas for the MRI and have the results.

Scarier times

On Wed Oct 24th I was leaving my moms house to head to work, when I noticed some more blood after going to the restroom, and this time was not like the first time, this blood was fairly bright red, and there was much more then before. Thankfully Chris was off work, I finally got a hold of the Dr's office, and since Dr. Martinez wasn't in yet, they scheduled us to see the sonogram tech. We got in and got to see the baby moving and kicking, and got to hear his strong heart beat once again, so we knew he was still okay in there, just didn't know what was going on.  We had to go back that afternoon to see Dr. Martinez, when we got there he had asked me if I could have broken my water, which I of course said 'no?' probably with a very confused look. He then went on to tell us that the amniotic fluid was very low, and the baby's movements this morning were abnormal. Also that the sonogram tech saw some cysts on the Lucas' brain, and that we needed to start seeing a high risk pregnancy Dr. There really wasn't much that he could do for us, but they could help us out a lot more, and have better equipment. So when we left, we felt horrible, how could there be cysts on our baby's brain, and how could they not help us, it just all seemed surreal.  I got a call a little while later from his nurse saying she got us in with Dr. Blanco on the 25th at 2.  After we got back into Midland Chris and I went to my moms house, and just hung out with all of my niece's and nephew's, which really helped clear my mind of any negative thoughts.

The next day I went to work to try to clear my mind, and the ladies that I work with helped me with that, and helped me with all the bad thoughts that were running through my head. After what seemed like an eternity 2 came around, and thankfully Chris' bosses let him take off for the appt so he could be with us. We started out the visit with the nurse doing another sonogram, and that's when she said she thinks that she saw something poking out between the baby's legs, later we found out indeed we were blessed with a little boy. We got to hear his strong heart beat once again, and saw him moving around.  When the Dr finally came in he started another sonogram to look at everything and then started to speak with us.  He started by saying it wasn't easy to say this but our baby was very sick, and the cysts in the brain are very large.  He proceeded to show us where they were on the sonogram of the head, and started to ask us some questions.  I was 16 wks 4 days at the time, but our little Lucas was only measuring 14 wks 4 days, and his amniotic fluid was very low. Dr Blanco had asked if may be I could of had an infection, or ran a fever any time which I hadn't.  He went on to explain that there could be many things that could of happened, from chromosome's not splitting properly, to me having an infection, a possible blood clot, or even in some rare case the baby could of had a stroke. This left me feeling very sad, and confused. I just remember him saying that there could be major brain damage, and he was afraid that there may be nothing that they could do, and that our baby might not make it. He said we would take it all one at a time, and he wanted to start with getting a blood draw from me to test the chromosomes and the possibility for an infection, and we would go back to see his colleague and the genetic counselor and be able to get more informed of what may happen.

After we left Chris had to go back to work, and I think we were both numb to all of the news that was given to us. I was so angry, sad, and confused, it hurt to know that our son may not be here for us to hold and love. I heard the saying God only puts you through what you can handle, but I wanted to know why he thought that we could handle something like this? I didn't feel as strong as I'm sure he knows that I am.  And I got angry thinking of all the women out there who don't care about their pregnancies and they have healthy children, and the women who have healthy kids but they don't give a damn about them, they just go out and never have a care in the world! Why did this happen to us? I thought we were doing everything right, only to be smacked in the face with such horrible news, I know we would be the best parents we could be, and now there was a possibility that we wouldn't get that chance, and it wasn't fair. 

Later that night while Chris was at work, I decided that I wanted our son to have a name, and I wanted that name to have meaning, so I searched for names and came across a few, and when Chris got home from work we both agreed on the name Lucas, which means bringer of the light.  We also chose his middle name to be Owen which means little warrior. No matter what was going to happen our son would have a name and he would know how much he is already loved by his parents. Chris and I both agreed that we would talk to him everyday, and Chris would still kiss him every morning and night. On the 26th Chris had to go to work around 5 am, and much to me I woke up around 4 not in a good mood. Chris had woken up, and I sat there and cried to him and told him how I was feeling and that I was tired of feeling that way that I just wanted our son to be healthy and not have all this negative news.  After Chris left for work I stayed up looking at pinterest when I came across a quote about God. It was then that I decided that I needed to have a talk with him. I started by talking to Lucas and telling him that mommy and daddy needed him to fight and get better, and how much we loved him already. Then I talked to God and asked him for understanding in this time and for strength and courage to get us all through this.  I was handing all of the problems that I had over to him, and I wanted him to know that we needed him. After I prayed and spoke with Lucas, I had what seemed like a major weight lifted off my heart and shoulders. I had decided that I was done with the negative attitude, and worrying about what could be, if something bad was going to happen it would happen in Gods time, and we would get through it when that time came, until then we would celebrate Lucas and this beautiful miracle of pregnancy, take it all one day at a time, and know that we will have done all that we can. When I got to work all of the ladies and Dr Watson were very supportive and helped me stay positive and give me good reinforcement, and prayed over Lucas. Chris, Lucas, and I had received very many nice thoughts and prayers from everyone on FB, and I was receiving many texts from dear friends who helped.  I have never felt so much love, and am so appreciative for all of it. When I got to work all of the ladies and Dr Watson were very supportive and helped me stay positive and give me good reinforcement, and prayed over Lucas.

We go back to the Dr on Nov 5th to speak with the counselor and get another sonogram done, and hopefully be able to understand Lucas' situation better.  We just want to give a big thank you to everyone out there who has us in their thoughts and their prayers. Once we know more we will keep posting and keep everyone up to date.

From the beginning

As most of our friends and family know, Chris and I have been together since June 26, 2005, and got married on June 25, 2011.  We recently celebrated our 1 year anniversary, and on July 20th we learned we would soon be first time parents.  I had always told Chris I wanted to wait till I was 25 to have children, why 25 I really have no idea it just seemed like a good age, but God had another plan, I'm am 23 and Chris is 25.

In June before we celebrated our anniversary we thought that we may of been pregnant, bu I had taken several at home tests, and a blood test and they all said negative, nothing said we were pregnant besides me missing my period completely in June, so we just did our normal routine and went on with life.  I hadn't taken a test at all at the beginning of July, and on the 20th to be exact Chris said we should take one.  My almost exact words were "I'm not wasting more money on those expensive tests just to see another negative, so if you want me to take one you're buying me one."  Smart right, not so much! We happened to be at Target and he brought it up so we bought the first response test that came with the 2 pink line test, and a digital test.  It was around 7 or so when we finally got the nerve to take the first pink line test, we waited 2 mins it took to develop then we both looked at it, I saw only one pink line, meaning negative, and told Chris, "See another negative."  But then Chris looked a little closer and asked if I could see the other pink line, honestly I started getting nervous and when I could see there were 2 pink lines meaning I was pregnant, I swore I was going to pass out.  My first thought was 'how are we going to tell our parents?!' As if we weren't married and owned a house, so really how bad would it be to tell them. Then I thought 'oh crap I'm going to dinner with my sisters how and I not going to tell them?!'

After the dinner with my sisters I came home and we took the digital test, we covered the results box with a piece of paper and just saw the little clock blinking saying it was processing. Once it stopped blinking meaning the results popped up, Chris and I looked at each other with the 'you look first' face and I think Chris even told me to move the paper, but we were nervous, finally on the count of 3 we moved it together, and behold it said YES+ on the screen. That's when I thought I was going to really pass out, I've always wanted to be a mom, and start a family with Chris, but I didn't know if I was really ready, but honestly how can you ever be fully ready for a baby. So on July 23rd we went to the Dr to have the blood test done, and but the 25th we knew that were 100% pregnant with our first baby, and I was only about 2-3 wks along.  Crazy how we were able to find out so early, and trying to keep it a secret till the proper time (8-10 wks along) to tell everyone definitely was a challenge.

As the weeks past we grew more excited to go into the Dr to see our baby for the first time, my first appt was set up for when I would be 8 wks.  But at 6 wks I had experienced some very light bleeding, and being so early the Dr wanted to see me to do some blood work, and then to do a sonogram after we got the blood results back.  On August 13th we got to hear the amazing sound of our baby's heart beat for the first time, and it was such an amazing experience. The baby was so very tiny it was hard for them to get a good measurement for a possible due date, but we didn't care our baby was alive and had a strong heart beat.  We went for what was suppose to be our first visit on August 28, and once again got to see how much the baby had grown, and how loud and strong its little heart beat was.  By measurements they put me at 8 wks 2 days, and my due date to April 7, 2013.  This was the day that we announced to everyone, including FB, that we were expecting our first child in April.

As you can see on the one on top is the first test taken, and how hard it is to see that second line!

Our first sonogram, the dotted line is where the baby is at, and you can see how tiny he was!

 

This is another of our first sonogram, and it shows the heart beat

 

These are the 8 wk sonograms

 

This is a close up of the sonogram with his strong heart beat, you can def tell how much he has grown!

Here is our announcement picture, taken shortly after our 8 wk visit