You would have been 3...

 

Dear Chloe,

 

Today you're 3 years old, where has all of the time gone.  I've been thinking for a while what I wanted to write you on your birthday.  I want it to be perfect.
 

Let me start by saying Happy Birthday Chloe, our beautiful angel!!  We love and miss you!  We think about you often, and when I look at your little sister I wonder how much alike or different you two would be.  I'm thankful you helped to send us Brooke by the way.  I wonder constantly of how much alike you two would look.  I'm sure you'd both get mistaken for each other just like your aunts and I do all the time.
 

I pray your party is beautiful as the angels help to sing you happy birthday.  I bet it's an amazing sight to see.  Be sure to give your PawPaw and Great Granny some extra hugs for us too.  We'll be sending some balloons to you this afternoon that we hope you'll like.  And of course I'll let sister help eat your cupcake. :)
 

They say time heals all wounds, but I think it just softens the pain.  It still hurts and some days are better then most, but it helps to know we have some amazing guardian angels watching over us.  I know you have made us better, stronger, more thoughtful and compassionate; and for that I am forever grateful. I wish everyone could see into the layers of themselves to see more of who they are, but without having to go through the tragedy part.
 

Happy birthday our sweet baby Chloe, we love and miss you!!
 

Love, Mommy, Daddy, and Sister
 

photo credit Pinterest 

photo credit Pinterest 

Been a While

It's been some time since my last post.  We haven't had to much excitement other then Brooke turning 1 in April!!  She's walking, talking, singing, and just so smart and beautiful.  Oh and did I mention she loves Dr Phil, she gets so excited when she hears his voice.  I'll share a few pictures at the end of this post. 

Seeing her grow up so fast makes me sad, but I am so thankful that she's happy and healthy.  I know Chloe watches over her, the other day Brooke saw some pictures of us with Chloe and started saying "baby!", we told her yes that's sister, a few days later she noticed them again and it sounded just like she said "sister!"  I wonder sometimes if she can see her, or her papa, or her great grandparents, like some people say that kids can see angels.  There are some days that she'll just start talking and smiling, it makes me wonder if the angels are talking or singing to her.

I guess some other excitement that we've had has been that Chris and I both had chicken pox for the second time.  We both had mild cases when we were little, and just happened to get them again in our 20's, how does that happen?   Well I guess I did give them to Chris so we know how he got them, hahaha.  As Chris said "chicken pox are for the birds, no pun intended".  Now we're just praying that Brooke won't get infected, it's been 2 wks since I've had them and Chris is going through the scabing up stage. 

Chris and I also celebrated our 4 year wedding anniversary, and 10 years together in June.  We've had some hard times obviously, that many couples may never go through, and we've always come out stronger.  There's no one else in this world that I'd rather spend this crazy beautiful life with!  

I'll go ahead and leave this post for now, and share a few pictures, and I'll be sure not to wait so long between posting next time.  

Eating her birthday cake

Clearly we don't take ourselves to serious

Watching her Dr Phil during family pictures

Us through the years 

Happy 2nd Birthday Chloe!!

           2 years ago today, we said hello and good-bye to our angel, Chloe Aria.  As most of you who know us or read this blog know we found out at 16 wks pregnancy that Chloe had a condition called Primitive Alobar Holoprosencephaly (HPE).  Meaning that in her development her brain did not properly develop, all that had developed was her brain stem, and a cranial sack of cerebral spinal fluid.  Now 3+ years ago never would I of thought I would know such big medical terms, how to spell them, or let alone what they actually meant.  I also never would have thought that I would be effected directly by a condition like this, I’ve seen miscarriages in our family and friends, but never pregnancy loss resulting in stillbirth.  Now that being said, some of you may think that Chloe was a miscarriage, but in the medical field she was a stillbirth, if a pregnancy ends after 20 wks it is no longer considered miscarriage, we had her at 27 wks.   

In our state of mind and life now looking back, that was one of the darkest times of our lives, but Chris and I lived it to the fullest and tried to look for the best in all of the situations we were handed.  I believe our faith was tested to the fullest, and we def came out stronger than I thought we would of.  Some people may think, ‘well if you knew she was going to pass away anyway, why go through the pregnancy, and just terminate?’  Well that’s a good questions, that was an option that the Dr’s had gave us. For some people that may be the easy thing for them to do, but as I had told Chris when we were discussing our options, I didn’t want to choose the day that our daughter died.  Now that may seem morbid, why hold on if you know she won’t make it?  Because I wanted her to go when she was ready to go, and when God said it was her time.  I know that if we would of done the other option I probably wouldn’t of had to have any c-section’s, or have to have a classical c-section making it where all of my pregnancies I have to always have a c-section.  But that was just a minor bump that I really don’t mind, both of my sections were not bad at all, and I honestly prefer it, it’s not like I have a choice anyway. ;)

           The past 2 years we haven’t mourned too often, but we’ve celebrated Chloe’s life and the blessings that she has sent our way.  I can see her in Brooke every day, and yes I do wonder, would it be this way if Chloe had been fine, but I know that we wouldn’t have Brooke here.  Chloe was sent to us for a reason, and we got to see our guardian angel being born on January 8, 2013.  I know that she has helped watch over us since that day, and helped to send us Brooke. 

Happy Birthday Chloe, we love and miss you very much!

p.s. I wanted to say thank you to our family and friends who have been here for us, we appreciate it more than y’all will  ever know, and seeing/feeling all the love today has def helped me smile.

Brooke def liked releasing the balloons for big sister!

And helping to eat her cupcake!

HPE Awareness Week & Remembering Chloe's Diagnosis

Holoprosencephaly is a big, confusion, hard to say, medical term that in all my years I had never heard until we were pregnant with Chloe.   Holoprosencephaly (HPE, once known as arhinencephaly) is a cephalic disorder in which the prosencephalon (the forebrain of the embryo) fails to develop into two hemispheres.   In some cases it can be a genetically caused disorder, but in Chloe's case, and other babies, as many Dr's put to us "it was a lightening strike of bad luck".  Meaning there's no reason why her brain didn't develop properly, it just happened. 

I remember being angry, confused, and just all around pissed at the world when we found out something was wrong with our Chloe, and it took me a while to come to terms with the fact that our first daughter wouldn't be coming home with us. 

We first thought she had cysts on her brain at 16 wks, and we knew something was wrong, but it wasn't until we were around 18 wks when we saw one of the high risk Dr's that he gave us a more of an idea diagnosis of what Chloe could possibly have.  I remember that day being so mad, I thought we had done everything right.  I recall having to take Chris to work after the appt and just being so hurt, and mad at the world.  Why did something like this happen to us, and to our daughter.  I had been so angry for those 2 wks, that I think it was that afternoon that I was finally done feeling that way.  I remember texting Chris while he was at work and telling him I wanted to give her a name, I was done feeling angry about her condition, and I wanted to do everything we could to make the most of the time we had with her.  Even though we knew we would still have tough days, from that day forward we let it all go and just let God take everything.  Which I know we should of done from the beginning but when your put into a situation like ours, or any tough situation, it hard to just let it all go and not be angry in the beginning.   I think it was that same day that we decided to make this blog, which had def been therapeutic for us, and I pray helpful for others.  We went to Dallas at 20 wks, for the fetal MRI where Dr Twickler had given us the for sure diagnosis that is was HPE, and I remember her asking us what our Dr's thought Chloe could have, and she was very impressed with what information we knew.  She had determined that Chloe's brain didn't develop, or divide, she had a primitive brain, meaning a sack filled with spinal fluid, a little of her brain stem, and cerebellum had developed, but that was it.  All of her movements were reflexive movements due to the brain stem, Chloe didn't know she was making the movements. 

Chris: it, as was said numerous times, was very tough for us. The empty feeling we felt in our chests was just the tip of the iceberg. Also as was said, this blog really helped me realize a couple things. One thing that I have come to realize is that writing takes me to a calm place, a place where I forget my problems as I let it out, a happy place if you will. The other is that I actually enjoy writing now. I've never really had an urge to put my thoughts on paper, or online,  for the world to potentially see.

Recently I decided to remove my Chloe bracelet permanently. It oddly was almost as therapeutic as writing on this is. I wore that bracelet every single day, never took it off, since I put it on. It was me holding on to hope that maybe she would somehow defy reality and come home. I say down, rubbed the bracelet, and laid it around her urn. I'll forever have a piece of her with me and I'm okay with it now. I feel changed, I feel almost human again, I feel almost like I did 2 years ago.

Happy 1st Birthday sweet Chloe!!

Little did we know, a year ago today, it would be our first and last time seeing you, or holding you Chloe.  Even though we have pictures to us remember this day, and all the days before,  we still miss you dearly.  I wonder who you would've been if you could of stayed with us, what you would look like, the things you would like.  I am very thankful for the 27 wks that we got to spend with you, even though there were many rough and trying weeks, I wouldn't trade it for the world.  All though you were little, all of 10 inches long, and weighed 10.4 ounces, we know you had the strongest hearts, and are growing so big in heaven.  You made the largest impact on our lives, and will continue to do so in the lives of your siblings.  I pray that you continue to watch over everyone, and am thankful that you have helped to bless us with another little girl that I know will have a little bit of you in her.  I pray that we make you proud everyday, and know that we love you very much.  Till the day we all meet again.  Happy 1st birthday our sweet Chloe!! Mommy and daddy love and miss you so very much!!

Chris:

In the last blog post I decided to release some of my pent up aggression and after it was all said and done I felt real good. It's weird that posting in something like this would have an affect on me. That being said I have decided that it would be in my best interest to keep doing so. 

I'll start off with some sad notes, but will end it the best way I know how. 

I'm sorry Chloe that I couldn't fix what was going on. I was powerless in this and I often feel like I let you down. I know you're up there with Great Granny and PawPaw hanging out and watching over our entire family. 

I was being selfish after you passed away, I kept thinking 'I lost my daughter, why my daughter?, why me?'. I couldn't help it. That day I lost a huge piece of me and I was devastated about it. It wasn't until I was talking to my best friend that I realized how selfish I had become. He had gone through a very rough patch which still haunts him to this day. (which is completely understandable) I couldn't imagine the pain of losing a parent suddenly. I remember looking at him and telling him 'it wasn't just you that lost someone, your dad lost someone, your sister lost someone, everyone she ever came in contact lost a special person.' It wasn't until after I said that, that I realized Chloe wasn't just Lindsay and my baby. It was my mom and dads first grandbaby, my sisters first niece, my mother-in-laws 8th grandbaby, and a new niece/cousin for the litter. 

Another thing that we talked about was the fact that as the 'rule' states, is that you are supposed to bury your parents, not your children. I've heard that saying in the past, but never did I ever think it would apply to me. I know that at some point I will have to bury my mom and dad (God willing, not for many many years from now), but never did I think I would ever have to attend a memorial service for my offspring. 

I remember at the memorial service, the sheer amount of people that showed up. For a little girl, who never graced this earth with her presence, to have a flock of people show up was amazing. For the first time during this whole situation I finally felt and saw what true love and friendship was all about. None of the people that showed up had to, yet they did out of the kindness in their heart. Two nurses from our doctor in Odessa even made the trip which I would've never anticipated. It was great seeing the balloons hit the sky in that iconic heart shape. It was almost like a final goodbye and 'I love you' from that sweet angel in the sky. 

On a lighter note now. This pregnancy has been extremely fun and adventurous to say the least. Everything from the stereotypical morning sickness to the fact that she can't handle chicken cause it's slippery (which for some unknown reason makes her gag) is hilarious. This pregnancy (just like with Chloe) has brought us a lot closer together and our love for each other is greater than I could of ever imagined. Our relationships with our friends also seems stronger as well. It's crazy what a death and pregnancy can do to people. 

I personally wanted to say a big Thank You to anyone that reads this and to everyone that has been a part of our lives, whether it was from the beginning or not. Our friends really helped us through a very rough patch in our lives and there is no way we could ever repay that debt. 

'Let go and let God'

Happy Birthday baby girl! I love you!!

Keeping this blog/ Update

I had a friend ask if we were going to keep up with this blog, or if we were going to create a new blog for this pregnancy, and honestly I want to keep this blog and just continue to write about our adventures with our rainbow baby, Chloe, and future babies.

I am currently 13 wks, and all scans are looking great, we've got to see a lot of Coco Puffs movement, which we didn't get to see Chloe move much.  Her movements were more reflexive movements which is common with HPE, were as Puffs seem to be more normal, I guess would be the right way to describe it?  I'm finally starting to get more of a pregnant belly now, instead of a "is she pregnant or just gaining weight" belly lol. We're also going to see Martinez every week for now to keep an eye on the fluid since we're always paranoid about it since Chloe's was so low early on, but as he said the fluid looks great, and there's a lot of it.  We also discussed going to see the high risk drs for a more extensive exam to check Puff's development, which I don't know when that'll be, I'm guessing around 16 wks, since that's when we found out there was a development problem with Chloe.  Another confidence booster with this pregnancy, besides having good feelings has been that Puff has always measured right on with the weeks that I am, were as Chloe always measured around a week behind.  I'll post sonograms below of Chloe and of Puff so everyone can see the differences that Chris and I are seeing  already as well.  I guess I will leave off the blog here, and write more posts later, keep checking back :)!!

Puff's 10 wk sonogram 

Chloe's 12 wk sonogram, you can tell her fluid was getting low here 

Puff's 13 wk sonogram, you can tell Puff's fluid is much different from Chloe's 12 wk sonogram

Another of Puff's 13 wk sonogram, the pointer is pointing at toesies 

One of those days...

It has been some time since I have posted last, my apologies to anyone who still reads the blog.  Things have been busy for us here lately, I am about to start coaching my nieces soccer team once again, please pray the girls will have another fun season.  We are also going to Amarillo to see an foot/ankle specialist for Chris' ankles, and hopefully to get him relief from the pain he's experienced basically his whole life.  I ask that everyone could help us pray about this as well, and pray that the dr can help Chris and if it comes to surgery that it will all go perfect.  

To be honest it has been a couple months since I've had one of those days.  Chris and I have been doing really good lately, we've been talking about trying to have another baby, and things have just been going really good all around.   But I guess for the past few days things have just hit me, like we realized that its been over a year since we found out we were pregnant with Chloe, and on the 8th she would of been 7 months old.  I don't know if its just from all the people announcing they are pregnant, baby showers, or babies being born, it makes me realize all over again that Chloe's not here with us where she should be.  I haven't really cried in a few months, and looking back at the other posts I've typed  I remember how many tears were behind every single one of them, and it makes me wonder when is it going to stop hurting like this, but it's not going to.  I know most don't know how it feels, when I lost my dad it felt like a piece of my heart was ripped away, and when we lost Chloe its like it was all ripped out.  No matter how good a day can be going it constantly feels like there is a piece of my heart missing.  Some people may think "get over it" but the thing with loosing someone, whether its a child, parent, significant other, family member, friend, whoever, you never "get over it", you simply learn to cope, and even then, this is something that stays with you forever, you don't simply forget.  You become stronger because you've went another day without a person you love, but it still hurts.  I have a friend who lost her daughter during pregnancy in June and when I heard, my heart broke, it makes me just wonder why, why does this have to happen, and to such good people.  I also wanted to say thank you to everyone who still wears Chloe's bracelet, it really means a lot to me when I see someone wearing one, or hear that they wear them, it helps put a smile on my face. 

 

But I digress, I hope everyone has a lovely day today, I plan to make mine better. 

"Still"

"Lost you before we met you, Gone before you came, But we love you just the same.  Missed you before we met you, On earth we never can, But in heaven we'll meet again..."

-"Still" by Gerrit Hofsink

I have had this post saved as a draft since May 16th, but I hope that everyone had a wonderful Mother's Day 2013 this year.  Being my first Mother's Day, it was very nice, and Christopher and all of our family def helped. 

Something that I have noticed here recently is how many other families have lost children, wether its from miscarriage, pregnancy loss, neonatal death, or any other situation.  I have friends who have lost children, (I had a friend pass away while in 8th grade, and I've attended a funeral for a friends child), but I guess until you experience something of that magnitude you don't really realize how many others that are out there who have been through a similar situation.  I believe I had wrote this in a past entry about how I received many messages and things like that before and after Chloe passed from others who lost a child, and it def comforted us.  At the time with everything happening its hard to not think that you are alone in the situation, and to have others reach out it def helps.  I guess when you hear someone is pregnant you don't think that something could go wrong, or that something is wrong.  You just kind of automatically think that everything is fine, and that baby will be coming around there due date.  Something Chris and I heard a lot and still a little now is that people don't know what to say, which I can understand.  Yes we are sad about what happened with Chloe, but its okay to ask how we're doing, to talk about her, say sorry for what happened, or anything like that, and I think that's with anyone who's been through loosing someone.  Also for me it helps to hear others situations, because it shows that you're not alone, now I can't say that others would want that.

Chris and I have been doing better, we have each other, amazing family and friends, and we know that Chloe is always with us, helping us get though it all.  I get asked from time to time if we are going to try again, and for anyone who doesn't know that answer, yes we are.  Chris and I have talked about when we would want to, and we both agree that we just want it to happen, and not really plan anything, but I know I'm going to probably try to plan it :).  I think maybe in the next few months it may happen, for the simple fact that I had a dream I was pregnant again the other day, and I remember having dreams like that a few months before we found out we were pregnant with Chloe.  But if it doesn't happen right away, that's okay, because I know that's what is suppose to be, and that it will happen when the time is right.  So for all those out there, just please continue to pray for us, we are def appreciative! 

Hospice Butterfly Release/ Bereaved Mothers Day

As I post in my last entry I was set to speak with a mom, Meredith, whose daughter Lily passed away from HPE as well.  We had a very nice talk, and she def helped my confidence for when Chris and I decide to try again.

I was also invited to a lunch and hospice butterfly release by our genetics counselor which was really nice.  The lunch consisted of about 5 other couples who had lost a child or children, and we went around and talked about our babies and what they had.  One couple was pregnant again after loosing their first child, a daughter 11 months prior who had trisomy 13 I believe, which is a chromosomal issue.  I spoke with them and they said she also had HPE but it was due to the T13.  The mom had told me her current pregnancy was going well, and that all though it had been a long 9 months, that is was def worth it.  Which hearing that helped my mind out as well.  Following our lunch we all went to the hospice butterfly release, where Beth, Mallory, Keith, and Zander came over to watch too.  They read Chloe's name along with the other children's names, and the other people who had passed aloud to all of the people there.  At the butterfly release we ended up with 6 butterflies and 4 balloons.  The kids wrote their names on their balloons, Chloe's name, and we wrote "we love you!", once the release started our butterflies didn't leave their cups, and 1 of the monarchs in the boxes flew from the box and landed right on Mallory's leg.    Once all the balloons and butterflies were released, the monarch on Mallory still wouldn't fly away, so Beth and I figured there must be something wrong with its wings.  A lady who was working with hospice came by and told us it was a girl butterfly, and it must be our loved one since it wouldn't leave.  Right before we left we had the kid put it on one of the bushes and right before we walked off the butterfly flew away.  Which then Beth and I looked at each other and started wondering why it never flew away before then, we figured it was Chloe just hanging out with us. 

I also read I believe on Sunday the 5th that it was international bereaved Mother's Day (I think it's the Sunday before Mother's Day).  Which kind of hit home because I haven't really thought this being my Mother's Day.  Chris had asked me the other day what I wanted and honestly I don't know.  I think any parent who's lost a child just wants that child to physically be there with them.  But I also think that moms in situations like ours we just want it acknowledged that we are moms, "Parents aren't determined by the number of kids they have, but the amount of Love they hold in their hearts."  For me personally I want people to talk about Chloe as well and use her name, it helps to keep her here with us.  It is comforting when we hear or read Chloe's name because it's not that we forgotten about her, because she will never be forgotten, but it's that others are remembering her just like we are.  

         Balloon and butterfly release 

 The butterfly that stayed on Mallory's leg

I believe this applies to fathers just as much 

White butterflies

Here lately when I am kind of down, and thinking about Chloe (to be honest I am always thinking of her), I see these little white butterflies. Whether its when I am walking, or driving somewhere, I always see one or two little butterflies fly by or across my path. It got me to thinking, what does a white butterfly mean, and everywhere I looked said basically the same thing, this is what one website had posted:

White Butterfly meaning: the soul of a child, transformation, purity, truth, growth, change, symbol of the soul, sign of angels watching over you, good luck, sign of a good life.

I don't know about anyone else, but I think about things like that, meanings behind things that I continue to see. (Like at my dads funeral we saw one yellow and black butterfly that flew right in front of all of the family, and that was the only butterfly we saw that day.). After reading that it makes me think that it is Chloe almost letting me know that she's here with us. What do y'all think?

I also came across a website, http://www.lilyjanestationery.com/about who is owned by a mom who lost her daughter, Lily, to HPE, you can read Lily's story and more on the website. In Meredith's blog she talks about her children, she has a boy that is older then Lily, and one that is younger, it gives me hope for our next pregnancy. Meredith and I are set to speak via Skype on Friday, and I'm hoping it will calm my nerves a little more. I know I shouldn't freak out because Chris and I have talked and we know that we don't want to try to get pregnant again for a few more months, but I guess the unknown of the future still is nerve racking. I'm pretty sure though next pregnancy I'm not going to be able to relax until after 16 wks, due to the fact that at 16 wks is when we discovered there was something going on with Chloe. I guess that we are "lucky" in that sense if you will, because most parents don't discover HPE or things of that nature until 20 wks of pregnancy.

On another note Chris and my birthdays are coming up, mine on April 18th, and Chris' on May 31st! For me it sure doesn't feel like its almost my birthday lol I guess that happened after you hit the "big" birthdays like 18 and 21. Well I hope everyone has a good rest of the week and I will def be typing more blogs soon!

2 1/2 months

I've been meaning to type up a new blog for a while now, just didn't really know what to type. The past couple months have been trying, some days much better then others. My dad's 4 yr anniversary was on March 6th, which was hard because it's hard to believe its been 4 yrs since he's been gone. Lately I've been replaying how everything with Chloe happened, and it makes me wonder if there was more we could of done. I know the Drs said it was all a "lightening strike", it can happen to anyone, and that we didn't do anything wrong, but it's hard to not think that there was something that I did wrong. I realize how much hope I had that Chloe would of made it to be here with us, even if she would of been special, I had that hope that she would make it. I hear about all these girls having kids, or who already have kids, then you see how they act and how they don't take care about their children at all, and it just makes me wonder why in the world they were even blessed with kids. I know I should think like that, but its hard, I see these people who have health kids, but they speak so nasty to them, go out every single night, and just plain don't care!

Here lately I've kind of had some anxiety about future pregnancies, even though I know that Chris and I aren't going to "try" for a while, I still worry about when that day comes. All of the what-ifs that are all entailed, some days I think "oh yeah I can't wait to get pregnant, and have another baby" but them the majority of days I think "I don't know if I can do it all again. I don't know if I can have another c-section, or risk something else bad happening". I try to be positive, but its difficult, I've spoke with some other women who have been through similar situations, in loosing a child, and they said its normal to feel like this, and that it gets better, but it's hard to see it getting better right now. I guess I've just been in a funky mood due to Chloe's original due date coming up. But my youngest niece did cheer me up the other day, I had picked her up from school, and we were waiting to get her brother when she asked "are you and Chris going to have another baby?" and I told her yes we were but not for a while, and I asked her what she thought we would have, a boy or another girl? Then she told me "I think it'll be another girl and a boy!" lol which made me laugh, cause I've already told Chris we're destined to have 3 children because almost everyone one on our block has had 3 kids, so that means Chloe will more then likely have 2 siblings (maybe 3 o_O lol).

On an ending note for this post, I saw this on pinterest and can relate to it, I wish they had one about Fathers too.

http://stillstandingmag.com/2013/03/the-bereaved-mother-is/

6 wk visit

We went to the Drs yesterday for the 6 wk visit and Dr Martinez said we were doing great, and are role models for others, which is nice to hear! Even though I always say that I'm not that strong, I know that Chris and I are very strong and our love for each other and for Chloe is going to get us through all of this! We know that we gave Chloe the best chance for her to be here with us physically, God just wanted her home sooner then we thought.

I heard something really sweet the other day about my youngest niece Mallory, my sister Mandy had said Mallory's teacher had asked if Chloe had passed because in chapel (she goes to a Christian school) Mallory had said a prayer for Chloe, and said everyday since then she has talked about Chloe. Which I think is so sweet and Mallory said to me "Chloe's Gods baby, she's in heaven with God and Jesus." That just warms my heart, it's so honest and true, and it really shows how pure a child's heart and thoughts are.

As Chris and I were talking yesterday, we were thinking about how many people we have met and who have reached out to us since everything with Chloe happened, and it's really surprised us at how kind others can be. Also how many other families have went through similar situations and have lost a child. It's a very humbling experience to know how many people have been effected or inspired by Chloe's story. Also how great our experience with our Drs have been, I don't think it would of been so easy to get through all of it if it wasn't for Dr Martinez, Dr Fanous and all of their staff. They've all been so great, helpful, and supportive.

Also before I forget, for those who donated for the bracelets, I sent off the donation amount to ABC and we all raised $310. I know some are still donating and once I get those I will be sending off those to them as well! Y'all are amazing!

I also finally got Chloe's foot print and initials tattoo'd by her anchor! Done by Mike at Pachuco Tattoo!

Chloe's memorial

As most know Chloe's memorial service was last Thursday, and let me tell you it was so beautiful.  I want to thank everyone who was able to come and celebrate Chloe's short time with us, and for everything everyone has done for our family.  I will post pictures from the service at the end of the blog for anyone who hasn't seen. Here is a link to her obituary as well: http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/mywesttexas/obituary.aspx?n=chloe-aria-martin&pid=162740595

I'll be honest I was very nervous for the memorial, I just thought that I would just be a mess, but honestly Chris and I did very well, we def cried, but it was a very, very beautiful service. As we were greeting people as they walked in, my friends son came up, gave me a rose, and a little pink hippo, and hugged me, and went and hugged Chris, and I'm sure he knew Chris needed a good hug because he did not let him go. My cousin Kelsey read these 2 poems I had found, which I am so grateful for because I knew I wouldn't of been able to read them that's for sure. My youngest niece, Mallory, decided she wanted to sit with us at the front, and as we walked down to our seats her and I went and put the flowers I had received before the service on the table with the little pink hippo. As Kelsey was reading the poems of course I started to cry, and then I looked to Chris and he was crying too, which made me cry even more! I ended up leaning my head onto his shoulder and he leaned his head onto mine as we were crying, and about that time Mallory looked at us, then leaned over onto me with her head and just sat there. It was so sweet, I guess its true what they say about how kids know when you need that. As the service went on the preacher, Brother Bob, had said even though Chloe wasn't able to physically be here with us, she was a person, not an object, and I believe some people forget that.  Chloe was a baby, she was a person, and no matter how small her little feet where she made a huge impact on every ones life. After the service we did the balloon release, and for everyone there, I honest can't remember everything that I had said right before the release, but I want everyone one to know that I meant what was said, and Chris and I are so grateful for all of you who have been with us through this time, and have supported us. I do remember saying if you have a balloon that you'd like to let go, you can, I said that because I didn't want any of the small kids that didn't want to let their balloon go, let it go. But a friend of ours told me after the balloon release that she has never seen so many small children let go of a balloon before, and none of them cry about it. It was awesome and I know my friends son was saying the balloon was for Chloe, so I feel like they all knew their balloon was going to a really great place, and they were for an amazing little girl.

On a side note, for anyone who had a problem for when Chloe's service was, I feel very sorry for you, you missed out on a very beautiful thing, and I am honestly going to pray for you, it saddens me how selfish some are, and how others thoughts can be. As they say, if it is important to you, you will find a way, if it isn't you will find an excuse. Because of that I let it go, and will not worry myself with others. (How does that saying go? No matter what you do someone will always have an opinion on it.)

Also for anyone who hasn't seen, Chris and I will be mailing off the donations to ABC ministry from Chloe's bracelets on Feb 7th. So far everyone who has donated has helped raised $287! I know some people would like to donate, and that is wonderful, just let Chris or I know, and we can get you our address, or ABC's address.

Here's the poems Kelsey read:

This was a life that hardly begun
no time to find your place in the sun
no time to do all you could have done
but we loved you enough for a lifetime

No time to enjoy the world and its wealth
No time to take life down off the shelf
no time to sing the song of yourself
though you had enough love for a lifetime

Those who live long endure sadness and tears
but you'll never suffer the sorrowing years
no betrayal, no anger
no hatred, no fears
Just love, only love in your lifetime..

_______________________________

­­­­­­You never said you're leaving
You never said goodbye
You were gone before we knew it,
And only God knew why.
A million times we needed you,
A million times we cried.
If love alone could have saved you,
You never would have died.
In life we loved you dearly
In death we love you still
In our heart’s you hold a place,
That nobody could ever fill.
It broke our heart’s to lose you,
But you didn't go alone
For a part of us went with you,
The day God took you home.

Chloe's table, her urn is sitting inside

the flower arrangment.

Oakley giving Chris a hug and not letting go

 

Balloon release, as we've all said it looks like a heart

Chloe finally home where she belongs

Little update

I know I haven't posted lately, but here's what's been going on lately. We went in for our 2 wk visit and my incision looks good and is healing nicely. Of course Dr Martinez talked about the possibility of depression, which is completely expected, but he said he doesn't believe that we will. We also talked about next pregnancy, and he let us know if we wanted to try right away we can, and waiting is completely fine too. In this moment Chris and I have both talked about it and we agree that we want to have another baby sooner then later, but as Chris said its when I'm ready.

I also want to thank all the women who have reached out to me and let me know that you have been through losing a child. It helps me realize that we aren't the only ones going through losing a baby, and seeing that y'all have children after your loss gives me hope. As I've told Chris I know in my heart next time will be better, but I can't help but have those "what if's". I know that we will continuously be watching the sonograms to see if we can see any similarities to Chloe's. As we've said I'm pretty sure we should go become sonogram techs because we know almost everything to look for, and looking back on some of the sonograms right before we found out Chloe's condition and you can tell that the fluid was lower.

Some days have gotten easier, and some
nights too, it's def gotten easier to talk about and as I've told friends I don't mind them asking about how things are, or how were feeling. I want others to talk about Chloe and recognize us as parents, cause we are, we just have a child in heaven. We also got our tattoos we wanted to get for Chloe, we both got anchors for her because she is the one who has held us, and has been our rock to pray to and lean on. When I see others who in my opinion could be better parents to their children I tend to think about life because Chloe has shown us what life is really about, and we look at things so differently now. I feel that if any of those people were to be in our shoes they wouldn't be able to get through it as Chris and I have. Our relationship hasn't only gotten stronger, we've both became such strong individuals as well, and I know that we will be able to get through anything, and we will have our Chloe with us every step of the way. We also received our pictures from the hospital, and I have to say they are so amazing, I'll share a few at the end of this post. For those who haven't seem either Chloe's memorial service is going to be Thurs Jan 31st at 6:30 pm at Ellis funeral home. Thank you to everyone who has read the blog and been with us through this trying journey, y'all have helped more then you know, and we are grateful for you all to be in our lives.

What is holoprosencephaly?

As many have read our Chloe had holoprosencephaly, in this post I want to share something's from a website in hopes for others to understand holoprosencephaly a little better.

Holoprosencephaly (HPE) is a birth defect that occurs during the first few weeks of intrauterine life. HPE is a disorder in which the fetal brain does not grow forward and divide as it is supposed to during early pregnancy (incomplete cleavage of the embryonic forebrain/failure of the prosencephalon to cleave into the cerebral and lateral hemispheres).

There are 4 different forms of HPE, Chloe had the most severe form of HPE called Alobar Holoprosencephaly. Alobar is where the brain is not divided and there are severe abnormalities (there is an absence of the interhemispheric fissure, a single primitive ventricle, fused thalami, and absent third ventricle, olfactory bulbs and tracts and optic tracts).

It is estimated that HPE affects between 1 in 5,000-10,000 live births. Since many pregnancies with a fetus diagnosed with HPE end in miscarriage, the frequency of HPE among all pregnancies may be as high as 1 in 200-250. Current studies indicate that only 3% of all fetuses with HPE survive to delivery and the vast majority of these infants do not survive past the first six months of life. The prognosis for a child diagnosed with HPE depends on the type of HPE and the presence of associated anomalies. It is said that some children with this are born with abnormalities, or facial deformities But our Chloe didn't have any of that, she was perfect, she had mommy's nose, eyes, and as we say the Hart toes, and Daddy's lips, hands, and long legs.

As all of our Drs have told us, HPE has no known cause, and as parents that is the hardest thing to accept. It has been hard to lose our beautiful daughter, but we know that Chloe was given to us for a reason, and we are always going to love her, and her siblings are always going to know her, and know how beautiful she is.

For anyone who would like to read more on HPE here is the website that we've read and got this information from.
http://www.carterdatabase.org/hpe/about/

The silver ribbon is the awareness color for brain disorders.

So many questions

As the days pass, we miss our Chloe more and more, and wonder why she couldn't physically be here with us.  On Friday the 11th we had to go to Ellis funeral home to sign the rest of the papers for her cremation, and that has to be on of the hardest thing that a parents has to do.  I've been walking around a lot easier thankfully, mainly just sitting down and getting up are still a little sore but not as bad.  Chris has been absolutely amazing with helping me, and just being the amazing person that he is.  I keep telling him hes going to bust my staples cause he keeps making jokes and its so hard to laugh, but its nice to laugh and smile when we just want to cry. 

I've had a people tell me that they have no idea the feelings that Chris and I are experiencing, and I must say I would never wish it on anyone.  Even though we knew she was sick and wouldn't be with us, no amount of preparation could have prepared us for the emotions that came with losing our little girl.  I just remember telling Chris that I felt like it was okay for her to go, but I really didn't mean it.  I know that her pawpaw, and great grandparents who are in heaven, and God and Jesus are taking care of her, but I want to know that she's okay.  As selfish as it is I just want her here with us, I wanted to be able to see her smile, watch her grow up, start a family of her own, just hear her say mommy and daddy, and just be able to hear her say I love you too.  As our genetics counselor told us the only thing she ever knew was love, and that's comforting.  I know that someday Chris and I will have more children, or as he says twins, and they will know all about their big sister and how beautiful she is, and that she will always be watching over them.  I just wish we could see our baby, and just knew why her, why did God choose her to come home so soon?  Chloe's days here changed everything, and she is so missed, and loved so so much.  I know it'll get better, and I know in my heart Chris and I will get through this, but its so hard.

Chloe's birth announcement

Our guardian Chloe Aria

Chloe Aria Martin

Born: January 8, 2013

Time 8:28 AM 

Weight: 10.4 ounces 

Length: 10 inches 

As we sit here in the hospital room and listen to the rain, I can't help but think how appropriate the weather has been for these past couple days.  We came over to the hospital on the 8th at 5:30 to start the process of the c-section.  They put us in the L&D room, and I think shortly after 6:30 the nurses started the IV and drew blood and everything which made me even more nervous.  It was about 7:45 when they took us back to the OR, did my spinal tap and did the preparation.  I believe the surgery started shortly after 8, which it went well, as Dr Fanous said they had to do a classical incision on my uterus (which means it was a cross incision).  He came in to speak with us today and let us know that the placenta was indeed covering over my cervix, which the sonograms were showing it was low lying and to the right.  So if we tried to dilate and have a natural birth it would of ended in a c-section. 

I was wheeled back into our L&D room after the section at about 9:30, and they brought little Chloe in as well.  I was kind of out of it at first but came to pretty quick, and Chris looked at Chloe first and held her and was telling me she had my nose, and as we say the Hart toes.  A few mins later the nurse came in and brought her for me to hold, and she perfect just how she was.  Even though she was so tiny she had long legs like her daddy, his hands, my nose, and as Chris says my squinty eyes.  The nurse asked if we had any arrangements made for her yet, and Chris had to unfortunately call the funeral home to set up the cremation and her pick up.  As he said that was they hardest phone call he's had to make.  We had Chloe in the room with us for I believe 3-4 hrs, and in that time an amazing lady came in and took some very sweet pictures for us, and we received a large memory box from ABC Ministry which came with a small pink hat and matching pink blanket.  (We brought her a hat and blanket but sadly the hat was way to large for her and the blanket was to big too.)  The memory box has a lot more items in it as well, and the hospital gave us a pillow that has a teddy bear holding a baby angel that says "Even Angels need a place to rest", which our nurse put prints of her tiny feet on and all of her birth information.  Shortly after we finished with the pictures a lady came from the funeral home to pick Chloe up which was probably the hardest part of it all, and she was speaking with us about what will be done and gave us a little more time with Chloe.  Chris picked her up from the little bed and let me hold her again,  we decided to say a little prayer over her and told her how much we loved her, how much she's changed everything for us already, and how we wanted God, her PawPaw and great granny to take great care of her until our time came.  Chris held her one more time and let the lady know she could come back on, and helped wrap her in the blankets, we told her we loved her once again and we sadly had to let her go.  Chris and I cried for a while and just hugged each other, and as I told Chris "we've got this, we are going to get through this, and Chloe is always going to be with us."  

It was about 1:30 when we were taken to our room now.  We've gotten a lot of nice flowers and gifts, and thank you to everyone who's sent them or brought them by to us.  Also for all of our amazing family and friends who have came to see us, y'all are so nice to make the little trip to Odessa, thank you all again! 

 My incision pain hasn't been to bad, and Chris actually was able to help me out of the bed several times today and have walked the hallway.  When Dr Fanous came to speak with us earlier and said he would be by tomorrow around lunch time and we would most likely be going home shortly after that.  We've had very nice nurses helping us, but I think Chris and I are both ready to just be in the comfort of our home and our bed.  Chris has been so amazing through all of this, and has been such a great help.  We realized when he held Chloe, he held his first actual baby (he's always afraid he's going to break them), but she fit just right in daddy's hands and that sweet look of love on his face, made me even more happy that we found each other.  

But I guess I will end this post here and try to get some rest, I will continue to blog if any of you were wondering! 

Thank you again to everyone for their kind words and prayers, it's comforting knowing that so many care and have love for Chloe and us! 

1. Chloe's tiny foot prints with our wedding bands

Extremely sad day

It's hard to type this blog tonight, as most know our precious Chloe's big heart stopped beating, we think she may have passed between Thursday the 3rd and Friday the 4th.  As i posted previously we went to Dr on the 2nd and we got to hear her heart beating, but on Fri Chris got out our home fetal heart beat machine and tried for about 30 mins to find her, and we weren't able to.  Of course being hopeful we just thought maybe she was turned where we couldn't hear it well, we tried again Sat with no luck there either.  We kind of thought maybe she had passed, but were holding onto the hope that she hadn't yet.  I called this morning and talked to the nurses and we got into one of the high risk Drs at 9:30 this morning.  Which when we got back and started the sonogram Chris and I couldn't see her heart beat like we normally could, and the nurse seemed kind of sad but didn't say anything.  A few mins went by and before the Dr came in the nurse did another scan and we could see she had put the pointer where we could hear the heart beat, and unfortunately we couldn't hear anything, and there was a straight line on the screen, I of course started to tear up cause we've seen so many sonograms in the past couple months that we know pretty much a lot of whats going on without anyone saying.  Shortly after Chris asked if her heart had stopped, and the nurse was kind of quiet for a moment and said unfortunately I couldn't get it, and it appeared she started to tear up as well.  The Dr came in a little while after and was speaking with us, and said well as you know her heart has stopped, which we knew without her saying, it just sucked actually hearing it.  She went on to talk to us about everything, and was extremely kind and said that she could tell that we loved Chloe very much, and that she was lucky to have us as parents.

After we left that office we headed over to Dr Martinez and Dr Fanous' offices to speak with Dr Fanous about the delivery plans.  We also got her measured before we left, and she is def tiny, her head was measuring about 20 wk, and her body is averaging about 18-19 wks, which is what she measured about 7 wks ago.  We are going to go to Odessa Regional Hospital tomorrow morning to have a c-section at 7:30 am. They let us know that we would get prints of Chloe's hands and feet, we have the opportunity to have some pictures of her taken, and we can even have some time with her privately to hold her and everything, we will also have a pastor coming by to give her a blessing, and to pray with us, and I'm sure few other things I'm probably forgetting.

 I just want to say that everyone we have come in contact with at both Dr Martinez, Fanous, and the regional perinatal centers have been so amazing and so kind to us, and have help so much with everything.  The nurse's have been so stellar and the Drs are amazing, I know Dr Martinez, Dr Fanous, and all the nurses don't have to deal with sick baby's like Chloe everyday, but they have been so amazing and helpful to us every step of the way, it makes me so much happier that we have them.

Also on a happier note, we have raised a little over $200 so far with the donations we have received for Chloe's bracelets!  I know we still have some donations coming in, and thank you to everyone who has donated, it makes me very happy that ABC Ministry is going to get so much from all of us.  I know some have asked what the address is to donate and here it is:
ABC Ministry
c/o Diane Eggermeyer
PO Box 65
Midkiff, Tx 79755

I just wanted to thank everyone once again for all of the kind words, and thoughts for us and Chloe, she is our little guardian angel, and I know she will always be with us.  We will keep everyone up to date as things come along.  We love you all!

 

"So do not fear, for I am with you;

do not be dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you and help you;

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Isaiah 41:10