Where is Time Going?

As I sit here and watch Brooke play with her Minnie Mouse tea set I can't believe how big she's gotten, and what a personality she's developed in 15 months.  I know in just a bit we'll head to the bedroom, cuddle and probably watch Octonauts as she slowly drifts off to sleep.  I think with kids starting school, and seeing all of my nieces and nephews grow older it's gotten me kind of emotional.  My baby isn't much of a baby anymore, she's a dancing, smiling, laughing, talktive, crazy at times, fun loving, not so little bundle of joy.  I think of that saying, "you'll never get this time with your kids again, so cherish it", and believe me Chris and I def do.  Some may think we spoil Brooke, but my thinking is you can never spoil a kid with too much love and affection.  A friend pinned a picture that I think is so true it said something like, 'No matter who comes into their lives, they will never love them as much as I do'.

My oldest niece is starting Jr high this year.  I just need to let that sink in, this young lady who's about my height now that I used to change her diapers, and coached her soccer team since she was 4, is starting Jr high.  I think it's hard to fathom that she's grown so much in what feels like such a little amount of time.  I feel the same with Brooke, it was just yesterday we were bringing her home from the hospital wasn't it??

Chris and I have talked about having more kids, and while we def do, hopefully it won't be soon, maybe 2-3 years.  Unless God's plan for us is different of course.  I think right now we have our hands pretty full with this little gymnast that's climbing onto the couch and attacking us.

With everything that has happened in our life's in the past 3 years of our totally imperfectness.  Just sitting here on the couch with Brooke stealing my phone and saying cheese at the camera, and Chris playing a little xbox, it feels pretty perfect to me.  I'm sure it helps that we have some pretty amazing people watching over us.  I hope everyone has great days back to school, and a wonderful school year!

Still has one beautiful smile

Squishy face with daddy

Taboo

Did you know that 1 in 4 women will have some sort of pregnancy loss?  That's 25% of women, yet no one talks about it.

I watched the YouTube vogglers Nia and Sam's video which has been circulating around FB about him announcing her pregnancy to her. (Check it out here https://youtu.be/GODw8TuinNQ)  It was a very cute (and somewhat odd) video and seeing how happy they were made me very happy for them.  Unfortunately today I saw a video of theirs where they sadly announced that they had miscarried.  It's so sad to hear and read. They were all so excited and unfortunately it came to an ubrupt end.  I know that feeling all to well. 

A big thing that bothers me though is the comments that they're receiving, some saying that they "faked" the pregnancy, and others saying "they announced to early". I read she was around 6-7 wks along.  I know it's taboo to announce before 12 wks to anyone but we announced both of our pregnancies before 12 wks, and I have a child in heaven and a healthy one here on Earth.  It's hard to keep the joys of pregnancy quiet. I know some think it will jinx a healthy pregnancy, but you get to be happy for a little bit longer. God forbid something bad does happen, you don't have to go about it alone.  It's sad that our society makes us feel like it's wrong to talk about pregnancy loss, or child loss because it's taboo and makes people uncomfortable. However you know what it's even more uncomfortable for the people going through it? Knowing that they can't talk about their loss cause it makes things weird.  What all those parents need sometimes is for someone to talk to, to listen to them, to let them know they are still parents, or to just simply speak about their child. 

Going back to the statistic at the first, if you have 3 of your closest friends in a circle with you, 1 person statistically in that circle will, God forbid, miscarry. 1 in 4 is not a big number.  It sucks to become a statistic, and when it happens, you feel like you're the only one going through it, even though you know you're not.  In the past 2 years since Chloe's birth it seems like there has been more awareness being brought up about pregnancy and child loss. I may notice because we're one family that has been through it, but I have the hope that one day it won't be so taboo to talk about. It can happen to anyone at any time and unfortunately no one is exempt.

Dad:

After going through what we did, I learned a few valuable lessons. Talking about it to people, to me, is a double edged sword. It feels good to let it out, but it feels like ripping off a bandaid. If someone talks to you about their situation and really let's you know how their heart feels, listen to them. They are opening up their heart and soul to you and letting you see their vulnerable side. When our daughter was given the grim diagnosis I had a tough time talking to anyone. I didn't want people to know how bad it hurt. To this day I regret not letting anyone in 100%. The only real person who has seen my dark side is my wife. It's a dark and deep space that is slowly, but surely, getting occupied by Brooke. She has truly changed my mind and heart more than anything in the world. What happened with Chloe will be in my heart and soul forever. It's a love/hate issue. I loved the fact that I was able to hold her, kiss her, and pray over her. However I hated it because I knew I'd never hold her, kiss her, or see her ever again. There isn't a tougher feeling in the world to overcome than that of a child that has been ripped out of your life for no reason and there is nothing you can do to fix it.

Happy 2nd Birthday Chloe!!

           2 years ago today, we said hello and good-bye to our angel, Chloe Aria.  As most of you who know us or read this blog know we found out at 16 wks pregnancy that Chloe had a condition called Primitive Alobar Holoprosencephaly (HPE).  Meaning that in her development her brain did not properly develop, all that had developed was her brain stem, and a cranial sack of cerebral spinal fluid.  Now 3+ years ago never would I of thought I would know such big medical terms, how to spell them, or let alone what they actually meant.  I also never would have thought that I would be effected directly by a condition like this, I’ve seen miscarriages in our family and friends, but never pregnancy loss resulting in stillbirth.  Now that being said, some of you may think that Chloe was a miscarriage, but in the medical field she was a stillbirth, if a pregnancy ends after 20 wks it is no longer considered miscarriage, we had her at 27 wks.   

In our state of mind and life now looking back, that was one of the darkest times of our lives, but Chris and I lived it to the fullest and tried to look for the best in all of the situations we were handed.  I believe our faith was tested to the fullest, and we def came out stronger than I thought we would of.  Some people may think, ‘well if you knew she was going to pass away anyway, why go through the pregnancy, and just terminate?’  Well that’s a good questions, that was an option that the Dr’s had gave us. For some people that may be the easy thing for them to do, but as I had told Chris when we were discussing our options, I didn’t want to choose the day that our daughter died.  Now that may seem morbid, why hold on if you know she won’t make it?  Because I wanted her to go when she was ready to go, and when God said it was her time.  I know that if we would of done the other option I probably wouldn’t of had to have any c-section’s, or have to have a classical c-section making it where all of my pregnancies I have to always have a c-section.  But that was just a minor bump that I really don’t mind, both of my sections were not bad at all, and I honestly prefer it, it’s not like I have a choice anyway. ;)

           The past 2 years we haven’t mourned too often, but we’ve celebrated Chloe’s life and the blessings that she has sent our way.  I can see her in Brooke every day, and yes I do wonder, would it be this way if Chloe had been fine, but I know that we wouldn’t have Brooke here.  Chloe was sent to us for a reason, and we got to see our guardian angel being born on January 8, 2013.  I know that she has helped watch over us since that day, and helped to send us Brooke. 

Happy Birthday Chloe, we love and miss you very much!

p.s. I wanted to say thank you to our family and friends who have been here for us, we appreciate it more than y’all will  ever know, and seeing/feeling all the love today has def helped me smile.

Brooke def liked releasing the balloons for big sister!

And helping to eat her cupcake!

Many Updates and Pictures!!

I haven’t typed in here in a while and have many updates and pictures I’d like to share with everyone!  As of March 10^th we are going to the Dr every week now, and on the 14^th we went to the new Baby Glance for some 3D/4D sonograms.  Of course Puff did not want to cooperate with us, she had both of her chunky legs up in front of her face, and her arms crossed behind them right in front of her face as well.  We got a few good pictures, but not too many that we could see her face fully, I’ll post some of them below.   

We also went back and saw our high risk Dr on March 18^th, to get his opinion on when we should deliver, for those who don’t know I have a “classical” or vertical cut on my uterus, where as a normal c-section uterine cut goes horizontally.  Because of this every pregnancy I will deliver via c-section and I cannot have contractions due to the increased risk of possible uterine rupture.  He still suggested that we deliver anywhere between 36 wks and 38 wks (the closer to 40 wks I get the increased chance of labor).  We also got a good scan of her, which the sonographer said everything with her looks great, and everything has developed perfectly!  We also got some more 3D sonograms from them, and after trying for some time got some good ones of her chunky little face.  Chris and I agree that she def has my nose and cheeks, and she’s got daddy’s big lips.  According to her measurements at that time I was 32 wks, and she averaged 34 wks, and according to measurements could weigh 5 lbs 7 oz, which puts her in the 95^th percentile for growth.  When we went to see Dr Martinez on the 10^th when I was 31 wks my fundal height (the measurement from the pubic bone to the top of the uterus) measured 34 wks as well.   Which that just means that there is a big possibility she will be a larger baby, and could be around 8 lbs at birth, which I was 7 lbs (not sure how many ounces) and Chris was 6 lbs 11 oz at birth. 

We went back to see Dr Martinez on March 27^th to discuss what Dr. Maher suggested and when we would most likely deliver.   As they both said we would shoot for the middle of 36-38 and go with 37 wks which I am 37 wks on the 19^th, the day after my birthday.  Dr Martinez had said most likely we will deliver on either April 19^th or April 20^th, which I know the 20^th is Easter this year, and it’s also my grandma’s birthday so that would be a pretty cool day for her to be born.  She would share my grandma’s birthday, and she would share Chris’ granny’s name for her middle name (Allie).  We don’t have anything set in stone just yet, but we are going back on April 1^st and I’m guessing we will have the day scheduled for certain by then.

With around 3 wks left, its def getting more surreal that it’s going to be no longer be just Chris and me for the rest of our lives.  We’ve been together for 8 years, going on 9 in June, and its different to think how everything’s going to change, and will be such blessing.  We never really were able to get to have this feeling when pregnant with Chloe due to us just enjoying her pregnancy and here being with us for as long as we could.  And even though I’m nervous and know it’s going to be tough in the beginning this journey we’ve been on, from Chloe’s pregnancy to Puff’s pregnancy, have been such blessings for us, and something that have helped to mold Chris and I for the better.

     

Puff 20 wk sonogram, and 32 wk sonogram, look how chunky she's gotten!! 

 

 Puff at 32 wks, def has her daddy's lips!

 

 31 wks, 3D sonogram from Baby Glance with her arm right in front of her face 

 

 Some of our maternity pictures done by Mari Annelise Photography, 29 wks

 

 

 

Dimples are Angel Kisses

Its hard to think that Brooke was born a month ago, it seems like just yesterday that we were going to the hospital to have her, its also hard to think of a time that she hasn't been here.  She's starting to come into her looks more and more, and it makes me kind of sad at how much she's growing already.  I look forward to her coming into her personality and being able to make her smile and laugh, and as Chris said the day she can say "I love you".  But I still get sad at how fast time goes, she's always going to be my baby, I'm going to miss the times that we just sit on the couch and I just have her laying on my chest all snuggled up.  Thank goodness for pictures!  Speaking of pictures, our friend Mari, who took our reveal and maternity pictures, took some amazing pictures of Brooke when she was a week old, which I'll post some of them at the bottom of this post.

Thankfully Brooke is a very good baby, she sleeps really well, I have to set alarms to get her up to eat.  We've gotten into a pretty good routine now, right after I get up to get her bottle she's usually starting to wake up ready to eat.  She also is really good about falling asleep by herself, and she only really cries when she has gas, getting her diaper or clothes changes, or is hungry.  I know we're going to have some tough days, but right now I'm very thankful for how blessed we've been.
I hate to admit that I've had a few days where I call Brooke Chloe.  It makes me a little sad, but I know its normal, we've only said Chloe's name for over a year.  I think it makes me sad because it makes me wonder if Chloe would of looked like Brooke, and if she would of been like Brooke or had her own little things.  Like Brooke when she's drinking her milk does this little high pitched like swallowing sound, its hard to explain but its the cutest thing ever.  Or if Chloe would have the reddish tint to her hair like Brooke, I know they would of had similarities in looks, but it still makes me wonder.  Both Chloe and Brooke have my nose, Chloe had my eyes, and Brooke has what look like her daddy's eyes, they both have the "Hart toes" as we call them, and Brooke has her daddy's hands/fingers, sadly I can't really remember what Chloe's hands/fingers looked like.

I'm not sure if anyone remembers my post about white butterflies, but few days before we had Brooke I kept seeing a single white butterfly in our yard, and the day we brought her home we saw what I would guess was the same little butterfly.  I like to think its Chloe keeping close to us, we see a white butterfly usually everyday now.  I'm not sure if I put this in our last post but Brooke has 3 dimples, 2 by her mouth, and one in her left cheek, and possibly one in her right cheek.  One of our friends step moms said she always heard that dimples were "angel kisses".  And which that makes sense cause Brooke does have her sister, her pawpaw, and her great granny in heaven.  I ended up googling to see if there was anyone else who have heard that before and I found this blog post that's a really good read, you should check it out:   http://sephoraanangelsjourney.wordpress.com/2013/08/12/the-story-about-the-dimple/
I haven't looked at any of her other posts just yet besides this one, but she is also an Angel Mom with a little girl in heaven, and has rainbow baby who has a dimple in his little cheek.

I'll go ahead and stop my writing here, and post the pictures I was talking about above!

C-Section Hospital Bags!

So as we get closer to Puff being delivered I thought I would do a post on what's in our hospital bag.  Yes I know there are many different lists/suggestions on what to take with you to the hospital and there are even less for families who are going to have a c-section delivery.  Even though this isn't our first time, while packing our bags I kind of forgot everything that we actually took and what we used after we had Chloe.  Don't feel like you have to follow this list, or any list out there, I searched through a few on Google and Pinterest, and kind of adapted it to fit what I felt Chris, Puff, and I would need while we stayed.  With Chloe we stayed in the hospital for 3 days, and I know there's a chance we could stay longer this time around, I'm the type of person who likes to be prepared.  (On 2 blogs I read one family stayed for 4 days, and another family stayed for 7 days.)

Here we go:

Our Main Bag

For Me:

• Wallet & Insurance Cards - Will actually be in my purse 
• Belly Bandit - this is something that my sister told me about before Chloe's delivery, and let me tell you it is amazing!  The belly bandit helps to kind of hold everything in place, and to me it took the pressure off of my incision, I got up 1 time without it on and that was the worst thing I could of ever done. Also they aren't just for c-sections, you wear it for 6 wks after the baby and it helps with weight loss, and shrinking your uterus back to its normal size!
• 2-3 Night gowns  - I didn't like wearing pants after Chloe's c-section, for me it was uncomfortable for anything to touch or sit near my incision.
• Flip Flops 
• Slippers
• Robe -  Helps with the cold hospital rooms
• 2 Nursing Bras - 1 of those sleep nursing bras, and then just a regular one.
• Going Home Dress - I'm planning on wearing a dress to the hospital and just wearing the same one home, I'm only going to be wearing it for maybe a hour before I get into a hospital gown anyway.

For Chris:

• 2 Shirts
• Sweat Pants
• P.J. Pants
• Light Jacket
• Slippers
• Quarters & Dollar Bills - For the vending machines

We didn't really pack much for Chris, just some things for him to lounge in, he's planning to go home every night like he did when we had Chloe so he could check on Magic and Smokey, and he can get anything that we might need.

For Puff:

• Going Home Outfit
• Couple Hair Bows - A girl could always use a bow! Plus one is going to match her going home outfit.
• Pairs of Socks
• Mittens - Don't want her scratching her pretty face
• 2 Sleeper Onesies - They are button up ones and have the feet on them, both are NB size
• 3 mon Onesie - Just in case she does come out 8 pounds, and the NB onesies are to small
• Burp Cloth
• Swaddle Blanket - I received some super cute/soft Aden and Anais Swaddlers at my baby shower's, I know they have blankets there to swaddle her in but I kind of want to use her things, and know that we can swaddle her in the ones we have at home.
• Light Blanket - For the car seat when we head home.
• Stuffed Animal

Bathroom Bag:  This is all pretty obvious, will be packed up the night before, and travel size things are perfect for this bag!

• Phone Chargers - I have 2 - 10 ft charge cables in this bag so they are easy to find 
• Travel Sized Brush & Comb
• Few Hair Ties, Bobby Pins, & a Hair Clip
• Little Make Up - Some women don't want or have time to do their make up, and that's okay!  I was just going to take some eye shadow, eye liner, and mascara.  Plus if you want to do pictures in the hospital some moms want to have on a little make up.
• Travel Mirror
• Lip Balm - I love those little eros lip balms, and plus the air at the hospital can be pretty dry
• Face Wash/Face Wipes
• 2 Travel Sized Shampoo/Body Wash
• Deodorant - for both Chris and I
• 2 Toothbrushes
• Toothpaste
• Contacts, Case, & Solution
• Glasses Case
• Prenatal Vitamins
• Heart Burn Medicine -  I got a prescription for Prevacid this time around, with both pregnancies I have had the worst indigestion, I don't know if I can take it while in the hospital, but being a prescription I'd rather take it with me and ask.
• Colace (Stool Softener) - If you haven't had a baby or haven't heard, this is TMI, but trying to go number 2 afterwards is HORRIBLE!  I'm not sure if they can give any in the hospital, they did give me Mylanta to help with gas pain, so some hospitals may give you a stool softener if you ask.
• Advil - This is for Chris, I don't know if the hospital would give him anything if he got a headache so I'd rather be safe then sorry.

Misc Items:  Some of these things are going to stay in the car until we need them

• Camera & Charger
• Nintendo DS & Games
• 2 Pillows - Will stay in the car until we need them just another comfort from home, plus those hospital pillows are so flat
• Blanket - This will stay in the car until we need it, and is mainly for Chris, they gave him pillows and blankets for him to sleep on but like the pillows they weren't to soft or comfy.
• 2-3 Large Reusable Grocery Bags - I got mine from Michael's Craft Store, and were super cute/cheap.  I read a mom on another blog did this when she had her last to put all the things you get to take home from the hospital, and anything else so it won't take up room in your other bags.
• Snacks - These will probably be in one of the reusable bags, even though there are snack machines, I figure having snacks will come in handy if we don't want to leave the room, or when my nieces and nephews come visit they can have some. 

On to the maybe items:  Not sure just yet if we will be taking these things or not just yet

• Nursing Cover - I was thinking I can go ahead and figure out how it will sit/work, and I might can use it if we have unexpected guests, so they wouldn't have to wait in the hall or anything like that.
• My Brest Friend Pillow  - I was given this pillow by a friend who loved it, it falls similar to the nursing cover, I just keep thinking I can go ahead and figure out how it will work for me.
• 1-2 Bath Towels - Read this one on another blog as well, she had just grabbed a cheaper one from Target and took it with her.  The hospital towels are so thin and scratchy it is a good idea to bring one softer with you.
• Nurse Thank You's - I really do want to do some kind of thank you for the nurses, I'm just not 100% sure what I would like to do just yet, once I figure out what I'm wanting to do it won't be a maybe anymore.

When it's all written out it seems like a lot of things, but when they are all packed it all fits nicely in a small (like carry on size) rolling duffle bag, and a medium sized square bathroom bag!  I've had our bags packed for the most part since I was about 32 wks, most people don't get theirs ready till about 35 wks, but I figured since we know we're going to deliver at 37 wks I'd go ahead and do what I could to not fret about how quickly she will be here.   

Welcoming Brooke Allie Martin!

Chloe's little sister Brooke made her way into our world on Easter Sunday, April 20, 2014, at 9:47 AM, weighing 7 lbs 9 oz, 19 1/2 in long!  I have to say she is the best blessing and most beautiful little girl ever!  We went in early to the hospital for a scheduled c-section on Sunday, and everything went so great!  I was really nervous leading up to that day, but honestly I was more nervous the Sat before then I was on Sunday.  I remember waking up Sat morning feeling nauseous, and then when Sun came around I woke up excited, and just a tad nervous.  I was really nervous to get another IV, when we went to have Chloe that was one of the worst things that I had experienced in the beginning.  I had never had an IV before that day and they ended up sticking me twice, that with all of our other sad emotions, I remember telling Chris that I was ready to go home, that I couldn't go through a surgery if I could barely get through getting an IV.  Thankfully the nurse who did mine was great, she did have to stick me twice but it didn't bother me as badly as with Chloe's.  It wasn't until I was in the OR getting my spinal tap that my legs started shaking and I thought "holy crap, we are about to meet our daughter".  Chris came into the room with me, even though he was very nervous and didn't know if he really wanted to go into the OR in the beginning of this pregnancy being that he got sick in the room with Chloe's section.  But I will let him type up his point of view, I will say I am so very proud of him

Here's my point of view, the anesthesiologist and I walked into the OR, and I got onto the table while they got everything prepped, and gave me my spinal tap, while they explained to me everything that would be done.  I got laid back onto the table and they finished prepping and got Chris so he could sit with me.  They started before we knew it, and Chris and I just sat there talking with the anesthesiologist, to keep our minds off of the past feelings that we had, about that time she said, "alright daddy she's about to come out, do you want to watch?" Chris had this somewhat timid look and she said "here just look right here" and lowered the curtain just a little (Chris was already eye level with it anyway cause he's so tall).  About that time he sat up a little taller, then he just stood up and watched Brooke being born!  I heard him say "oh look there she is!" So proud and I asked if she was chunky, and had chubby cheeks, and of course he said yes.  Finally we heard her let out her loud cry for the first time. They took her over to the warmer table and I could see the top of her head while Chris looked over her and held her little hand.  She had swallowed a little bit of fluid so the nurse was getting it out, and I heard her cry once again, I told the anesthesiologist that it was very surreal, and happy feeling finally hearing that cry, when we didn't get to hear anything with Chloe's delivery.  It made it all the more real that we finally have our daughter here with us, and what a true blessing from God and Chloe that she is.  Chris came back over and sat next to me and they handed Brooke over to him, and he put her cheek to cheek with me, I was able to kiss her little head and touch her face, and see what a proud daddy Chris was.  The anesthesiologist took some pictures which I was so thankful for.  Finally they were going to take her to the nursery and took Chris with them while they finished getting me back together.  Our Dr came over to me after he was done and told me that I did great, and that Brooke was beautiful and gave me a nice hug.  All the nurses finished cleaning me up and we went back to my recovery room, about 15-20 mins later Chris and Brooke came into the room with me and I finally got to hold her, and I have to say I never wanted to let her go.  She is the most amazing blessing that could of ever happen, and I know that Chloe had so much help in giving her to us.  She is so much more then what we prayed for, and is just absolutely amazing.

Chris:
This pregnancy and delivery were extremely nerve wracking. I remember the week before her delivery the amount of nerves and emotions I was feeling. I was frankly scared to death of what was to come. Sunday morning I took my time getting up, I don't know why, but I felt that if I took my time that maybe I could keep Lindsay pregnant even longer. I didn't want a repeat of how I felt after Chloe's delivery. We arrived at the hospital at 5 in the morning on Easter Sunday, which I quite honestly forgot that there was a 5 a.m., and we got our room pretty fast. After several minutes of nurses in and out, getting all of Lindsay's information, we finally got a few moments alone. We didn't say much, just enjoyed each others company. My parents and sister showed up, at a very punctual, 8 a.m. and by that time my nerves were shot. Seeing Lindsay hooked up to an I.V. in her gown reminded me of the past and it was killing me on the inside. I wanted to be excited, but I didn't know how to be. Her mom and niece showed up soon after my family did and without warning so did our Dr.. Next thing I know a nurse, 'Dee', whisked me away to a very isolated room. She kept telling me congratulations and asking if I was excited, i'm certain I didn't reply at all. Let me explain how I looked that morning, I am wearing typical attire, t-shirt, jeans, running shoes, and hat. I also had 2 phones and a camera in my hand specifically for taking pictures. The room I was lead to was about the size of a public bathroom. There were a few lockers, a bench, a walk-in closet that somehow was transformed into a bathroom, and a set of double doors. In the corner was a toddler-sized organizer. Inside were the faded blue scrubs, in descending order of size. I grabbed my XL scrub top and bottoms along with a hairnet, mouth cover, and booties. After an excruciating 10 minute wait, which felt like an eternity and a half, an O.R. nurse asked if I was ready. That's a funny question, even if you don't feel ready, they are, so it doesn't matter what your answer is. I replied yes because I'm a man, and off I went. I walked in and felt as if I walked into the room naked. Our Dr. and all the nurses turned towards me in unison and just stared at me until I sat down by Lindsay. Lindsay looked beautiful lying there looking at me with her beautiful green eyes and without hesitation I just started talking to the anesthesiologist to help get my mind off of what was going on just beyond the blue curtain of doom. After seemingly a few seconds I could smell the flesh as they started to cauterize her wound open. I remembered that smell vividly and it didn't bother me. As was said here and other posts, I ended up getting sick to my stomach with Chloe's delivery just over a year prior. I never heard the suction of the bodily fluids so I never got curious of where it was going. Before I knew it the anesthesiologist asked if I would like to see her come out of my wife. At that moment I was concerned if I would get the upset stomach or even worse pass out due to lack of blood in my skull. I peeked over the curtain and for no other reason than pure curiosity I stood up. I grabbed the anesthesiologist, just in case I went down I could take someone with me. I looked and saw the inside of my wife's abdomen. I saw this grey-ish  blob with veins all over it, blood, and a number of other red stuff. Next thing I know our Dr. cut the grey blob and all I could see was hair. My heart dropped to my toes along with my mouth. Then a face turned and faced me, the girl that we've waited for for so long was facing me for the first time in her life here on earth. After some wiggling and pulling by the Dr. our blessing was born. They took her to the warmers and cleaned her off real well, wrapped her up, and brought her over to Lindsay and I. We spent a few seconds together before being rushed to the nursery for the newborn check-up. After several minutes in the nursery, with the paparazzi (aka our families) outside the windows, we were taken back to see Lindsay. It wasn't until that moment that I realized two things. One of those things was that I had forgotten about the phones and camera, so I didn't get the pictures I wanted haha, and the other was that I watched my daughter take her first breath, watched her skin meet the outside world for the first time, I witnessed a miracle.

It was a huge change in our life, but we have embraced it with wide open arms and hearts. Every day I fall more in love with what we have created. Every little thing she does warms my heart to extremes that I didn't know were possible. She showed me what the true definition of what a rainbow baby is all about. Just yesterday my best friend told me that for the first time in a long time I looked and seemed happy. I didn't realize that the pain and hurt that I had in my heart and mind were so obvious on the outside. I thought I was hiding it a lot better. Evidently it's not my perception that counts, its that of others. When I held and kissed my daughter for the first time, I felt that unconditional love that I was yearning for since saying my final goodbye to Chloe. Now having Brooke here makes my internal wounds easier to handle. They will never be healed, but she helps us more and more every day.

29 Wks and Counting!

I know I haven't wrote in here in a while, but I am now officially at 30wks! 

We also go the results of the glucose test that I had at our 28 wk visit, and everything was good there so I don't have gestational diabetes thankfully!  But I am having gallbladder spasms, which are very uncomfortable, so I was started on a medicine and a diet to help with that.  We are going to go back when I'm 31 wks,  and I think we'll start the every other week visits after that?  I know he had mentioned we may see the high risk Dr one more time just to get his opinion on our possible delivery time due to me having a classical (vertical) incision on my uterus.

It's crazy to think that as early as 7 wks we could be going to have our little girl,  or as late as 9 wks away. O_O I told Chris the other day when I realized how close it was that I didn't think I could do it.  I think I feel that way this time because with Chloe we knew from about 16 wks that there was a very high chance she wouldn't actually come home with us, so we just enjoyed her pregnancy as much as we could, and never went through any preparations for her to come home.  Now we know Puff will be coming home with us and we're going to have a child to take care of for the rest of our lives, it's kind of a surreal feeling this time around.

We also got some maternity pictures done by our friend Mari, with Mari Annelise Photography,  which I recommend to any one in our area.  I will def be posting them soon, I never took any maternity pictures with Chloe, so being able to this time was def something we looked forward to being able to do.

Other then just being tired, and taking random naps when I don't even think I'm that tired, everything's been going really well thankfully.  We've got the nursery basically fully done, just have to touch up a few spots of paint, and get the curtains/ decorations hung.  We've got her crib, changing table, and rocker all where we want them to be too.

I guess I will end this post there, and I will def be posting pictures of her room and our maternity pictures once we have everything!  Just keep praying everything continues to go well for us, and our little miracle!!

Notes from dad: 

I've slowly realized that the days are only getting shorter and the weeks are starting to feel like mere blinks of my eyes. I'm growing nervous, anxious, and overall excited about what is to come. Until this point I've ignored the fact that my life is about to change forever yet again. Chloe's life and (predicted, but) premature passing hit me like a freight train. My life was forever changed by a little girl whom I never got the chance to truly meet. 

Puff, I think will bring joy and light back in to my life. As I've said before, I'm out of the dark hole, yet a big part of me is still missing. It will be a challenge to take care of a child full-time, but it'll be a challenge I'll accept with open arms. 

-Chris

In the picture I am 26 wks pregnant with both Chloe and Puff, you can def tell there is a difference in their growth.

25 wks and upadates/milestones!

I am 25 wks as of Sat, and feeling pretty good, minus having strep throat for a second time this pregnancy, and all the lovely coughing/drainage due to this crazy weather we've had.  It really doesn't feel like I'm 6 months along, I guess that's due to the fact that we've known I was pregnant since I was like 2-3 wks along, just like with Chloe's pregnancy. 

We have finally started to feel her movement on the outside of my belly around 24 wks, I've been able to feel her move since about 14 wks.  Chris finally felt a pretty impressive kick on the 22nd, after only feeling light movement before that.  Let me say this little girl has some tough kicks/punches for sure.  Today I finally got her to respond to me pushing a little in a spot that she had just kicked me at, and while I was putting a little pressure she hit hard right on my hand, kind of like a "hey would you watch it!" Lol, I guess she's got the soccer gene all of us Hart kids have.  We didn't get to feel Chloe move quit like we have Puff, even though this is my second pregnancy all of this is def new for us.  With Chloe it was a lot of the butterfly feeling for me, and Chris felt her move just a little a few times, so Puffs movements are def amazing to feel/watch.  Some other updates are that around 35 wks we will know when we will deliver.  It could be as early as the week of April14th (I'll be 36 wks), or as late as the week of April 28th (I'll be 38 wks).  If some of y'all don't know my birthday is April 18th, so this little girls birthday will be very close to mine :).  We discussed at our last Dr's appt that the earlier we deliver there is a chance I will have to do steroid shots before delivery to ensure that Puffs lungs are properly developed before she makes her big appearance.  We've also got her room started, we're painted white and gray stripes on the wall that her crib will sit on, and the other walls are going to be are brighter hot pink. 

We go back to the Dr on the 6th, and then we'll go back 2 wks from then for my 28 wk glucose test.  Still praying everything goes well!!

Pre-delivery nerves already and then some

So as everyone probably knows, I have to have another c-section this pregnancy, and every pregnancy here out, due to having a "classical (vertical)" incision on my uterus.  I think I'm kind of prepared for it, due to already knowing what to expect but I guess with the pregnancy hormones I'm kind of starting to get nervous about the thought of another c-sec.  Chloe's delivery was my first surgery, first IV, and first real stay in a hospital.  I remember my blood pressure was high when we went in so it wasn't the easiest for the nurse's to do my IV, and after they couldn't get it the first time I remember telling Chris that I was ready to go home, and that Chloe could just stay in my belly.  I was sooo over it, and I'm afraid it'll be that way this time when it comes to the IV, even though I know Chloe's delivery was more then just nerves, we also knew that we weren't going to be able to take our baby home.  I know this time that part will be different, but I'm still nervous, and I'm sure Chris is nervous about getting sick in the OR once again.  But hopefully he'll actually eat, take a xanex, or something before hand lol.  When we saw the high risk dr, he was telling us we will deliver around 37 to 38 wks, which we had known, I can't go into labor on my own, or have any kind of contractions.  I guess I'm nervous about all the unknowns of after Puff is born, like when she'll come out we'll actually know, we will hear her cry, see her shortly after she is born, and when she'll go to the nursery, ect...  With Chloe we didn't know when she was actually born, and we didn't get to see her until we got back into our recovery room.

On a lighter note, I can already tell this little girl loves her daddy though.  Anytime I feel her more I try to put my hand there to see if I can feel it on the outside, and once I do she'll sometime stop moving, but when Chris put his hand on my belly she is all about moving around.  I think she may like when I sing too, or at least I hope so, when I sing in the car I can sometimes feel her move around.  But it may be her way of saying "hey mom, stop singing!" Lol!  My belly buttons starting to poke out more now too, or as Chris say's "the turkey's getting done".


Chris: I really haven't put anything in to this blog until now. I don't know if it was just due to nerves or didn't know how to put anything, but now its time.

Chloe's pregnancy was a smorgasbord of emotions. Everything from pure joy and excitement to pain and agony. I haven't ever felt true hate and anger until the time after her delivery. I was mad all the time, wasn't the happy person that people were accustomed to. I only got more and more angry as the day passed. Knowing our baby wasn't home, knowing that when she got home she would be sitting in a box on a bookshelf. It really pissed me off and I eventually hated myself for thinking that way and acting the way I did. It wasn't until I took a step back and realized I was in a deep depression and was in denial about it. A few months after Chloe's birth Lindsay and I had what came to be known as a 'come to Jesus meeting'. It took me opening my heart and mind to her for me to finally feel like the old self I was, instead of the shell I became. To this day I have mixed emotions. For instance I'll see a dad walking around with his daughter and a piece of me gets green with envy and jealousy. I think 'that should be me.'. Then I realize I have a daughter, that no matter what, is always with me.

The reason I think I got so mad about it all was the fact that I couldn't fix what was going on. Anyone that knows me knows that I can fix damn near anything. If I can't, I'll find someone who can and will be there until it is fixed. Instead I had to let go and let nature take it's course. I couldn't stand sitting there and waiting for a solution (which deep down I knew wasn't coming). I wanted her healthy, I wanted us to be happy, I wanted perfection, but most of all I wanted my daughter here. Unfortunately it didn't happen. I had a decent support system there for me. My mom was still quite sick from a stem cell transplant, so that combined with Chloe was very tough for me to handle. Luckily when family fell through my friends came in. The first night at the hospital my best friend called me and 'kidnapped' me for a little while for dinner (which was the only thing I ate between the c-section and the day we left the hospital). I never really thanked him and let him know just how much that meant to me. For that small amount of time I was free and away from this tragic reality that I was shoved into.

After the 'come to Jesus meeting', our lives completely changed. We finally started to move on a little (still with Chloe at our sides) and started to feel like ourselves again. I look at life a lot different than before, I understand that each moment should be treasured because you just never know. That little girl had a huge impact on me, and still does to this second. I still want to make her proud of her daddy.

20 wks- Gender Reveal!

We went to a high risk dr on Dec 16th and got my 20 wk exam done (I was 19 wks).  The dr said everything looks great, all development has taken place, and said this baby appears to be a health child!!  We are so extremely happy that we got such great news!  The sonographer was also 90-95% sure of gender.  We also got to see the baby on a 3D and 4D scan!!  I def think Puff's got my nose :).

We went yesterday and took some gender reveal pictures with our friend, Mari, to tell everyone, and guess what!!  We've been blessed with another baby GIRL!!  We are so extremely happy and could not be more blessed with everything God and Chloe have blessed us with.   Last year was such a crazy time, and we had so many downs, along with a few ups, but with Chloe watching over us, she has helped to bless us with so much more then we could ever imagine.  I def am continuing to pray that everything goes amazing for us, and that this little girl has a little bit of her big sister in her!! 

17 Wks & Wives Tales for Gender Predictions

We are now at 17 wks and 3 days pregnant with Puff, and its been a really good pregnancy.  Yes I had horrible morning sickness for about 14 wks, which I never had with Chloe, but its been pretty good considering how nervous I was when we found out we were expecting once again.  We've been seeing Martinez about every 2 wks or so now, we started out seeing him about every week, then we switched to go every 2 now, and that's been pretty good, although we did go a week that we were scheduled cause I wanted to make sure everything was alright still.  Paranoia hasn't really set in till here recently, and I think that's due to the fact that 16 wks is when we found out there was something wrong with Chloe's brain development.  But Puff's movements have been really good in the sonograms, the fluid has been good too, and we can def tell Puff's getting bigger. 

I'm finally starting to get a pregnant belly now, and sadly my belly button feels and looks like it may be popping out soon o_O.  Everything has def been different this time around, which I feel means a good thing.  Chris and I have been looking up gender predictions too, and comparing them to Chloe's pregnancy, I'll list them below with the gender it predicts.  Hopefully we'll know soon if Chloe is going to have a little brother or sister!

Tale #1- Linea Nigra- the line on the belly, said if you get a línea nigra and it runs from your pubic area to your belly button only, it’s a girl, and if it goes all the way up from your pubic area to the bottom-most part of you rib cage, then it’s a boy.  Well with Chloe I never had it, and with Puff I don't have it, so no point to either gender here.

Tale #2- Carrying high or low? So as the tale goes, if you are carrying low, it’s a boy, or if you’re carrying high it’s a girl.  With Chloe I def carried high from the beginning, and so far with Puff its been low.  Point for BOY

Tale #3- Baby's Heart Rate?- Say's if the baby's heart rate is 140 bpm or higher its a girl, lower than 140 bpm its a boy.  I honestly can't remember what Chloe's heart rate was, and with Puff we haven't gotten the bpm from the Dr's but we've listen at home and got around 142-143.  So I'm kind of iffy here since its right off 140, but point for GIRL.

Tale #4- Drano Test- This on involves mixing your urine with tablespoon of Drano, if its a girl its suppose to turn green, and a boy its suppose to turn blue.  I've also read that if its a girl there's no change in color, and if its a boy its suppose to get darker.  Weird I know, but I have never heard of this until this pregnancy, so I never did it with Chloe, sadly we did try it last night, I think that it was darker, and Chris said he didn't see a change, so I guess point for both BOY and GIRL since we didn't agree.

Tale #5- Skin Dry or Soft? If your skin is dry, you’re said to be having a boy – and if it’s soft, then a girl is on the way.  I can't really remember how my skin was with Chloe, with Puff I def can tell it has gotten drier, so point for BOY.

Tale #6- Hair- Has your hair become thinner and dull? Or full-bodied and glossy? Thin and dull says girl, gorgeous and glossy says a boy.  I can't remember if my hair was thinner with Chloe, I just remember it would not do anything I wanted it to, with Puff, I've had much more hair fall, but my hair has def been more glossy, and does exactly what I want it to do, so point for BOY I guess.

Tale #7- Weight Gain- If you are carrying extra weight at the front, then you’re having a boy… but if you are carrying extra weight on your bum and hips, then you have been carrying a girl. What about dad-to-be? If he’s gaining weight with you, apparently you’re having a girl. If he’s put on no weight, a boy for you!  With Chloe most everyone can agree that my thighs got HUGE, very quickly I may add and people knew I was pregnant way before we told anyone, with Puff, I have thankfully not had the big thighs, or quick weight gain, I think that's why we were able to keep it a secret for much longer than Chloe's pregnancy.  Chris' weight I honestly don't think ever really changed with either pregnancy.  So point for BOY from my end at least.

Tale #8-  Numbers- Okay there's 2 here that I've read about.  First one, if you combine your age at the time of conception with the number of the month you conceived and the resulting number is odd – then it’s a girl on the way. If the resulting number is even, then it’s a boy for you.  Chloe's number is 30, Puff's number is 32.  So point for BOY on this one.
Second tale- they say if you get ur birth month, age, year of conception add it then add the numbers in the total as Odd means boy, Even girl.  Chloe's number is 39, Puff's number is 41.  Another BOY point here.
 
Tale #9- Sweet, Salty or Sour?- If your craving sweets, fruit, or juice old wives say that you could be having a girl. But if you’re craving sour or salty foods, then you could be having a boy. It’s also said that if you are having a boy, you will crave protein like meat and dairy.  With Chloe I def craved sweet tea, and fruits that I can remember, with Puff from the beginning I wanted bacon, cheese, veggies, and I still can not have anything sweet without feeling sick.  Once again point for BOY.

Tale #10- How Do You Look?- As it goes, if you look great during pregnancy, then you are carrying a boy. If you don’t look too flash, you’re having a girl, because she’s stolen all your good looks!  Honestly I have no idea how I look for either pregnancy, but I will say I don't think I look that great this time around, so point for GIRL from my point of view.

Tale #11-  Do You Have Cold Feet?-  If your feet get colder than they used to pre-pregnancy, it’s a sign you have a boy on the way. If your feet are the same, then it’s a girl!  I don't remember what my feet were like with Chloe's pregnancy, and Chris say's my feet are always cold now, so point for BOY.

Tale #12- North or South?- When you sleep, is your pillow north or south? If it’s north, then expect a boy, or south means a girl is on the way.  I don't really understand this one, but never the less our bed is on the south part of the bedroom, so point for GIRL.

Tale #13- Dreaded Acne-  If you get acne during pregnancy, apparently you’re having a girl, and if you don’t, then you’re carrying a boy.  I know I had some break outs with Chloe towards the end, and I def have had some with Puff, so point for GIRL.

Tale #14- Sleep on Your Right or Left Side?  When you sleep, do you sleep on your left? Because if you do, then it’s a boy for you! On your right, a girl is in sight.  I remember sleeping on my right side a lot with Chloe, with Puff its hard to say cause I fall asleep easier on my left, but wake up sometimes on my right, so I guess no point here really.

Tale #15- Hairy Legs?- Has the hair on your legs grown faster than normal? Or has it grown just like normal? Because if it’s growing faster than it did pre-pregnancy, then you’re said to be having a boy.  This is horrible that I'm putting this one, but oh well, I remember with Chloe it wasn't until the end that I noticed my legs kind of had gotten hairier lol, and this time I noticed right away that my darn hair was growing way, way fast.  So point for BOY.

Tale #16- Ring Test-  You take your wedding ring, and tie it to a string and hover it over your belly, if it swings back and forth its a girl, if it goes in a circle its a boy.  We did this one last night too, and it was kind of hard to tell what it was doing, at first it went in a circle, and then we tried again and it ended up swinging back and forth, so point for both GIRL and BOY?

Tale #17- Chinese Calendar- I don't know really how it works, but you find a gender calendar and find your age at conception, and month of conception and it will say boy or girl.  I remember it said girl for Chloe, and with Puff it says girl.  So point for GIRL.

Tale #18- Mayan Prediction-  This one you take the age you conceived and the year you conceived, if both are even numbers its a girl, if they are opposites (one odd, one even) then its a boy.  Well for Chloe the numbers are 23 & 2012, Puff 24 & 2013.  So another BOY point.

Well I got 12 points for BOY and 7 points for GIRL.
I don't know if I really believe all of these, cause as you can see some were true for Chloe and some weren't.  But why not have a little fun until we actually find out right?  I mean we've got a 50/50 chance of being right!  If anyone has any other tales or anything let me know, or let me know what these predicted for you if you've done them!! Chris and I def had fun reading through some of the weird/crazy things that people say predict the gender of your baby!

Keeping this blog/ Update

I had a friend ask if we were going to keep up with this blog, or if we were going to create a new blog for this pregnancy, and honestly I want to keep this blog and just continue to write about our adventures with our rainbow baby, Chloe, and future babies.

I am currently 13 wks, and all scans are looking great, we've got to see a lot of Coco Puffs movement, which we didn't get to see Chloe move much.  Her movements were more reflexive movements which is common with HPE, were as Puffs seem to be more normal, I guess would be the right way to describe it?  I'm finally starting to get more of a pregnant belly now, instead of a "is she pregnant or just gaining weight" belly lol. We're also going to see Martinez every week for now to keep an eye on the fluid since we're always paranoid about it since Chloe's was so low early on, but as he said the fluid looks great, and there's a lot of it.  We also discussed going to see the high risk drs for a more extensive exam to check Puff's development, which I don't know when that'll be, I'm guessing around 16 wks, since that's when we found out there was a development problem with Chloe.  Another confidence booster with this pregnancy, besides having good feelings has been that Puff has always measured right on with the weeks that I am, were as Chloe always measured around a week behind.  I'll post sonograms below of Chloe and of Puff so everyone can see the differences that Chris and I are seeing  already as well.  I guess I will leave off the blog here, and write more posts later, keep checking back :)!!

Puff's 10 wk sonogram 

Chloe's 12 wk sonogram, you can tell her fluid was getting low here 

Puff's 13 wk sonogram, you can tell Puff's fluid is much different from Chloe's 12 wk sonogram

Another of Puff's 13 wk sonogram, the pointer is pointing at toesies 

Praying this is our Rainbow

On Aug 28th, around 6 pm Chris and I got the amazing news that Chloe helped answer some of our prayers and sent us another child.  I am 9 wks pregnant currently, and it has been very difficult to keep it quiet since we found out when I was around 2-3 wks.  Chris and I are both confident in that this pregnancy will go differently if you will, we're still hoping and praying though, this time is already very different from Chloe's pregnancy. 

I remember before we found out with Chloe I had gained weight quickly and people thought I was pregnant right away, and this time that was not the case, my belly is slowly starting to round and stick out more, also I was never really sick in the beginning with Chloe either and now I've had all day morning sickness/nausea, which I've heard is a good thing.

We got to see Dr Martinez at 6 wks and saw our little coco puff and the heart beat, which was amazing since you usually can't see it that early on.  We got to hear the heart beat at 7 wks, and again at 8 wks, and Dr Martinez said everything is looking great, which is def comforting and helping with our nervousness.  We are set to go back when I am about 11-12 wks and I know some people are wondering if we will be seeing the Dr more, and as he and the nurses kindly told us if we want to come in anytime between appts just to see the baby or anything like that we can def give them a call and they would be more then happy to get us in.  Which knowing that is a major comfort and weight lifted off of us.  We have also talked about seeing the high risk Drs sometime for a more extensive exam and to check development and everything like that.  We don't know when that will be yet, I'm thinking it may be around 16 wks since that is when we found out there was concern with Chloe.  Chris and I are def nervous, excited, and all of the other emotions that come along, but we have a sense of comfort, I like to think it's from Chloe and God letting us know everything will be alright.

I also don't want anyone to think we are replacing Chloe, because there is nothing in this world that can EVER replace her, we are simply adding to our amazing family, and giving her a sibling to watch over.  We still miss her everyday, and I know that I talk and think of her all the time, and we are so grateful that we had her for the time we did.  We are lucky enough to know who one of our guardian angels are, and who will help to watch over our children, along with her pawpaw and great granny.  

I guess I will end this post for the moment and I would like to ask everyone to keep our family in your thoughts and prayers please!  Also I would like to thank everyone for all of their kind words of excitement and love that we have received, it means so much to me!

Our announcement picture