Happy 2nd Birthday Chloe!!

           2 years ago today, we said hello and good-bye to our angel, Chloe Aria.  As most of you who know us or read this blog know we found out at 16 wks pregnancy that Chloe had a condition called Primitive Alobar Holoprosencephaly (HPE).  Meaning that in her development her brain did not properly develop, all that had developed was her brain stem, and a cranial sack of cerebral spinal fluid.  Now 3+ years ago never would I of thought I would know such big medical terms, how to spell them, or let alone what they actually meant.  I also never would have thought that I would be effected directly by a condition like this, I’ve seen miscarriages in our family and friends, but never pregnancy loss resulting in stillbirth.  Now that being said, some of you may think that Chloe was a miscarriage, but in the medical field she was a stillbirth, if a pregnancy ends after 20 wks it is no longer considered miscarriage, we had her at 27 wks.   

In our state of mind and life now looking back, that was one of the darkest times of our lives, but Chris and I lived it to the fullest and tried to look for the best in all of the situations we were handed.  I believe our faith was tested to the fullest, and we def came out stronger than I thought we would of.  Some people may think, ‘well if you knew she was going to pass away anyway, why go through the pregnancy, and just terminate?’  Well that’s a good questions, that was an option that the Dr’s had gave us. For some people that may be the easy thing for them to do, but as I had told Chris when we were discussing our options, I didn’t want to choose the day that our daughter died.  Now that may seem morbid, why hold on if you know she won’t make it?  Because I wanted her to go when she was ready to go, and when God said it was her time.  I know that if we would of done the other option I probably wouldn’t of had to have any c-section’s, or have to have a classical c-section making it where all of my pregnancies I have to always have a c-section.  But that was just a minor bump that I really don’t mind, both of my sections were not bad at all, and I honestly prefer it, it’s not like I have a choice anyway. ;)

           The past 2 years we haven’t mourned too often, but we’ve celebrated Chloe’s life and the blessings that she has sent our way.  I can see her in Brooke every day, and yes I do wonder, would it be this way if Chloe had been fine, but I know that we wouldn’t have Brooke here.  Chloe was sent to us for a reason, and we got to see our guardian angel being born on January 8, 2013.  I know that she has helped watch over us since that day, and helped to send us Brooke. 

Happy Birthday Chloe, we love and miss you very much!

p.s. I wanted to say thank you to our family and friends who have been here for us, we appreciate it more than y’all will  ever know, and seeing/feeling all the love today has def helped me smile.

Brooke def liked releasing the balloons for big sister!

And helping to eat her cupcake!

Chloe's memorial

As most know Chloe's memorial service was last Thursday, and let me tell you it was so beautiful.  I want to thank everyone who was able to come and celebrate Chloe's short time with us, and for everything everyone has done for our family.  I will post pictures from the service at the end of the blog for anyone who hasn't seen. Here is a link to her obituary as well: http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/mywesttexas/obituary.aspx?n=chloe-aria-martin&pid=162740595

I'll be honest I was very nervous for the memorial, I just thought that I would just be a mess, but honestly Chris and I did very well, we def cried, but it was a very, very beautiful service. As we were greeting people as they walked in, my friends son came up, gave me a rose, and a little pink hippo, and hugged me, and went and hugged Chris, and I'm sure he knew Chris needed a good hug because he did not let him go. My cousin Kelsey read these 2 poems I had found, which I am so grateful for because I knew I wouldn't of been able to read them that's for sure. My youngest niece, Mallory, decided she wanted to sit with us at the front, and as we walked down to our seats her and I went and put the flowers I had received before the service on the table with the little pink hippo. As Kelsey was reading the poems of course I started to cry, and then I looked to Chris and he was crying too, which made me cry even more! I ended up leaning my head onto his shoulder and he leaned his head onto mine as we were crying, and about that time Mallory looked at us, then leaned over onto me with her head and just sat there. It was so sweet, I guess its true what they say about how kids know when you need that. As the service went on the preacher, Brother Bob, had said even though Chloe wasn't able to physically be here with us, she was a person, not an object, and I believe some people forget that.  Chloe was a baby, she was a person, and no matter how small her little feet where she made a huge impact on every ones life. After the service we did the balloon release, and for everyone there, I honest can't remember everything that I had said right before the release, but I want everyone one to know that I meant what was said, and Chris and I are so grateful for all of you who have been with us through this time, and have supported us. I do remember saying if you have a balloon that you'd like to let go, you can, I said that because I didn't want any of the small kids that didn't want to let their balloon go, let it go. But a friend of ours told me after the balloon release that she has never seen so many small children let go of a balloon before, and none of them cry about it. It was awesome and I know my friends son was saying the balloon was for Chloe, so I feel like they all knew their balloon was going to a really great place, and they were for an amazing little girl.

On a side note, for anyone who had a problem for when Chloe's service was, I feel very sorry for you, you missed out on a very beautiful thing, and I am honestly going to pray for you, it saddens me how selfish some are, and how others thoughts can be. As they say, if it is important to you, you will find a way, if it isn't you will find an excuse. Because of that I let it go, and will not worry myself with others. (How does that saying go? No matter what you do someone will always have an opinion on it.)

Also for anyone who hasn't seen, Chris and I will be mailing off the donations to ABC ministry from Chloe's bracelets on Feb 7th. So far everyone who has donated has helped raised $287! I know some people would like to donate, and that is wonderful, just let Chris or I know, and we can get you our address, or ABC's address.

Here's the poems Kelsey read:

This was a life that hardly begun
no time to find your place in the sun
no time to do all you could have done
but we loved you enough for a lifetime

No time to enjoy the world and its wealth
No time to take life down off the shelf
no time to sing the song of yourself
though you had enough love for a lifetime

Those who live long endure sadness and tears
but you'll never suffer the sorrowing years
no betrayal, no anger
no hatred, no fears
Just love, only love in your lifetime..

_______________________________

­­­­­­You never said you're leaving
You never said goodbye
You were gone before we knew it,
And only God knew why.
A million times we needed you,
A million times we cried.
If love alone could have saved you,
You never would have died.
In life we loved you dearly
In death we love you still
In our heart’s you hold a place,
That nobody could ever fill.
It broke our heart’s to lose you,
But you didn't go alone
For a part of us went with you,
The day God took you home.

Chloe's table, her urn is sitting inside

the flower arrangment.

Oakley giving Chris a hug and not letting go

 

Balloon release, as we've all said it looks like a heart

Chloe finally home where she belongs

Our guardian Chloe Aria

Chloe Aria Martin

Born: January 8, 2013

Time 8:28 AM 

Weight: 10.4 ounces 

Length: 10 inches 

As we sit here in the hospital room and listen to the rain, I can't help but think how appropriate the weather has been for these past couple days.  We came over to the hospital on the 8th at 5:30 to start the process of the c-section.  They put us in the L&D room, and I think shortly after 6:30 the nurses started the IV and drew blood and everything which made me even more nervous.  It was about 7:45 when they took us back to the OR, did my spinal tap and did the preparation.  I believe the surgery started shortly after 8, which it went well, as Dr Fanous said they had to do a classical incision on my uterus (which means it was a cross incision).  He came in to speak with us today and let us know that the placenta was indeed covering over my cervix, which the sonograms were showing it was low lying and to the right.  So if we tried to dilate and have a natural birth it would of ended in a c-section. 

I was wheeled back into our L&D room after the section at about 9:30, and they brought little Chloe in as well.  I was kind of out of it at first but came to pretty quick, and Chris looked at Chloe first and held her and was telling me she had my nose, and as we say the Hart toes.  A few mins later the nurse came in and brought her for me to hold, and she perfect just how she was.  Even though she was so tiny she had long legs like her daddy, his hands, my nose, and as Chris says my squinty eyes.  The nurse asked if we had any arrangements made for her yet, and Chris had to unfortunately call the funeral home to set up the cremation and her pick up.  As he said that was they hardest phone call he's had to make.  We had Chloe in the room with us for I believe 3-4 hrs, and in that time an amazing lady came in and took some very sweet pictures for us, and we received a large memory box from ABC Ministry which came with a small pink hat and matching pink blanket.  (We brought her a hat and blanket but sadly the hat was way to large for her and the blanket was to big too.)  The memory box has a lot more items in it as well, and the hospital gave us a pillow that has a teddy bear holding a baby angel that says "Even Angels need a place to rest", which our nurse put prints of her tiny feet on and all of her birth information.  Shortly after we finished with the pictures a lady came from the funeral home to pick Chloe up which was probably the hardest part of it all, and she was speaking with us about what will be done and gave us a little more time with Chloe.  Chris picked her up from the little bed and let me hold her again,  we decided to say a little prayer over her and told her how much we loved her, how much she's changed everything for us already, and how we wanted God, her PawPaw and great granny to take great care of her until our time came.  Chris held her one more time and let the lady know she could come back on, and helped wrap her in the blankets, we told her we loved her once again and we sadly had to let her go.  Chris and I cried for a while and just hugged each other, and as I told Chris "we've got this, we are going to get through this, and Chloe is always going to be with us."  

It was about 1:30 when we were taken to our room now.  We've gotten a lot of nice flowers and gifts, and thank you to everyone who's sent them or brought them by to us.  Also for all of our amazing family and friends who have came to see us, y'all are so nice to make the little trip to Odessa, thank you all again! 

 My incision pain hasn't been to bad, and Chris actually was able to help me out of the bed several times today and have walked the hallway.  When Dr Fanous came to speak with us earlier and said he would be by tomorrow around lunch time and we would most likely be going home shortly after that.  We've had very nice nurses helping us, but I think Chris and I are both ready to just be in the comfort of our home and our bed.  Chris has been so amazing through all of this, and has been such a great help.  We realized when he held Chloe, he held his first actual baby (he's always afraid he's going to break them), but she fit just right in daddy's hands and that sweet look of love on his face, made me even more happy that we found each other.  

But I guess I will end this post here and try to get some rest, I will continue to blog if any of you were wondering! 

Thank you again to everyone for their kind words and prayers, it's comforting knowing that so many care and have love for Chloe and us! 

1. Chloe's tiny foot prints with our wedding bands