C-Section Hospital Bags!

So as we get closer to Puff being delivered I thought I would do a post on what's in our hospital bag.  Yes I know there are many different lists/suggestions on what to take with you to the hospital and there are even less for families who are going to have a c-section delivery.  Even though this isn't our first time, while packing our bags I kind of forgot everything that we actually took and what we used after we had Chloe.  Don't feel like you have to follow this list, or any list out there, I searched through a few on Google and Pinterest, and kind of adapted it to fit what I felt Chris, Puff, and I would need while we stayed.  With Chloe we stayed in the hospital for 3 days, and I know there's a chance we could stay longer this time around, I'm the type of person who likes to be prepared.  (On 2 blogs I read one family stayed for 4 days, and another family stayed for 7 days.)

Here we go:

Our Main Bag

For Me:

• Wallet & Insurance Cards - Will actually be in my purse 
• Belly Bandit - this is something that my sister told me about before Chloe's delivery, and let me tell you it is amazing!  The belly bandit helps to kind of hold everything in place, and to me it took the pressure off of my incision, I got up 1 time without it on and that was the worst thing I could of ever done. Also they aren't just for c-sections, you wear it for 6 wks after the baby and it helps with weight loss, and shrinking your uterus back to its normal size!
• 2-3 Night gowns  - I didn't like wearing pants after Chloe's c-section, for me it was uncomfortable for anything to touch or sit near my incision.
• Flip Flops 
• Slippers
• Robe -  Helps with the cold hospital rooms
• 2 Nursing Bras - 1 of those sleep nursing bras, and then just a regular one.
• Going Home Dress - I'm planning on wearing a dress to the hospital and just wearing the same one home, I'm only going to be wearing it for maybe a hour before I get into a hospital gown anyway.

For Chris:

• 2 Shirts
• Sweat Pants
• P.J. Pants
• Light Jacket
• Slippers
• Quarters & Dollar Bills - For the vending machines

We didn't really pack much for Chris, just some things for him to lounge in, he's planning to go home every night like he did when we had Chloe so he could check on Magic and Smokey, and he can get anything that we might need.

For Puff:

• Going Home Outfit
• Couple Hair Bows - A girl could always use a bow! Plus one is going to match her going home outfit.
• Pairs of Socks
• Mittens - Don't want her scratching her pretty face
• 2 Sleeper Onesies - They are button up ones and have the feet on them, both are NB size
• 3 mon Onesie - Just in case she does come out 8 pounds, and the NB onesies are to small
• Burp Cloth
• Swaddle Blanket - I received some super cute/soft Aden and Anais Swaddlers at my baby shower's, I know they have blankets there to swaddle her in but I kind of want to use her things, and know that we can swaddle her in the ones we have at home.
• Light Blanket - For the car seat when we head home.
• Stuffed Animal

Bathroom Bag:  This is all pretty obvious, will be packed up the night before, and travel size things are perfect for this bag!

• Phone Chargers - I have 2 - 10 ft charge cables in this bag so they are easy to find 
• Travel Sized Brush & Comb
• Few Hair Ties, Bobby Pins, & a Hair Clip
• Little Make Up - Some women don't want or have time to do their make up, and that's okay!  I was just going to take some eye shadow, eye liner, and mascara.  Plus if you want to do pictures in the hospital some moms want to have on a little make up.
• Travel Mirror
• Lip Balm - I love those little eros lip balms, and plus the air at the hospital can be pretty dry
• Face Wash/Face Wipes
• 2 Travel Sized Shampoo/Body Wash
• Deodorant - for both Chris and I
• 2 Toothbrushes
• Toothpaste
• Contacts, Case, & Solution
• Glasses Case
• Prenatal Vitamins
• Heart Burn Medicine -  I got a prescription for Prevacid this time around, with both pregnancies I have had the worst indigestion, I don't know if I can take it while in the hospital, but being a prescription I'd rather take it with me and ask.
• Colace (Stool Softener) - If you haven't had a baby or haven't heard, this is TMI, but trying to go number 2 afterwards is HORRIBLE!  I'm not sure if they can give any in the hospital, they did give me Mylanta to help with gas pain, so some hospitals may give you a stool softener if you ask.
• Advil - This is for Chris, I don't know if the hospital would give him anything if he got a headache so I'd rather be safe then sorry.

Misc Items:  Some of these things are going to stay in the car until we need them

• Camera & Charger
• Nintendo DS & Games
• 2 Pillows - Will stay in the car until we need them just another comfort from home, plus those hospital pillows are so flat
• Blanket - This will stay in the car until we need it, and is mainly for Chris, they gave him pillows and blankets for him to sleep on but like the pillows they weren't to soft or comfy.
• 2-3 Large Reusable Grocery Bags - I got mine from Michael's Craft Store, and were super cute/cheap.  I read a mom on another blog did this when she had her last to put all the things you get to take home from the hospital, and anything else so it won't take up room in your other bags.
• Snacks - These will probably be in one of the reusable bags, even though there are snack machines, I figure having snacks will come in handy if we don't want to leave the room, or when my nieces and nephews come visit they can have some. 

On to the maybe items:  Not sure just yet if we will be taking these things or not just yet

• Nursing Cover - I was thinking I can go ahead and figure out how it will sit/work, and I might can use it if we have unexpected guests, so they wouldn't have to wait in the hall or anything like that.
• My Brest Friend Pillow  - I was given this pillow by a friend who loved it, it falls similar to the nursing cover, I just keep thinking I can go ahead and figure out how it will work for me.
• 1-2 Bath Towels - Read this one on another blog as well, she had just grabbed a cheaper one from Target and took it with her.  The hospital towels are so thin and scratchy it is a good idea to bring one softer with you.
• Nurse Thank You's - I really do want to do some kind of thank you for the nurses, I'm just not 100% sure what I would like to do just yet, once I figure out what I'm wanting to do it won't be a maybe anymore.

When it's all written out it seems like a lot of things, but when they are all packed it all fits nicely in a small (like carry on size) rolling duffle bag, and a medium sized square bathroom bag!  I've had our bags packed for the most part since I was about 32 wks, most people don't get theirs ready till about 35 wks, but I figured since we know we're going to deliver at 37 wks I'd go ahead and do what I could to not fret about how quickly she will be here.   

Welcoming Brooke Allie Martin!

Chloe's little sister Brooke made her way into our world on Easter Sunday, April 20, 2014, at 9:47 AM, weighing 7 lbs 9 oz, 19 1/2 in long!  I have to say she is the best blessing and most beautiful little girl ever!  We went in early to the hospital for a scheduled c-section on Sunday, and everything went so great!  I was really nervous leading up to that day, but honestly I was more nervous the Sat before then I was on Sunday.  I remember waking up Sat morning feeling nauseous, and then when Sun came around I woke up excited, and just a tad nervous.  I was really nervous to get another IV, when we went to have Chloe that was one of the worst things that I had experienced in the beginning.  I had never had an IV before that day and they ended up sticking me twice, that with all of our other sad emotions, I remember telling Chris that I was ready to go home, that I couldn't go through a surgery if I could barely get through getting an IV.  Thankfully the nurse who did mine was great, she did have to stick me twice but it didn't bother me as badly as with Chloe's.  It wasn't until I was in the OR getting my spinal tap that my legs started shaking and I thought "holy crap, we are about to meet our daughter".  Chris came into the room with me, even though he was very nervous and didn't know if he really wanted to go into the OR in the beginning of this pregnancy being that he got sick in the room with Chloe's section.  But I will let him type up his point of view, I will say I am so very proud of him

Here's my point of view, the anesthesiologist and I walked into the OR, and I got onto the table while they got everything prepped, and gave me my spinal tap, while they explained to me everything that would be done.  I got laid back onto the table and they finished prepping and got Chris so he could sit with me.  They started before we knew it, and Chris and I just sat there talking with the anesthesiologist, to keep our minds off of the past feelings that we had, about that time she said, "alright daddy she's about to come out, do you want to watch?" Chris had this somewhat timid look and she said "here just look right here" and lowered the curtain just a little (Chris was already eye level with it anyway cause he's so tall).  About that time he sat up a little taller, then he just stood up and watched Brooke being born!  I heard him say "oh look there she is!" So proud and I asked if she was chunky, and had chubby cheeks, and of course he said yes.  Finally we heard her let out her loud cry for the first time. They took her over to the warmer table and I could see the top of her head while Chris looked over her and held her little hand.  She had swallowed a little bit of fluid so the nurse was getting it out, and I heard her cry once again, I told the anesthesiologist that it was very surreal, and happy feeling finally hearing that cry, when we didn't get to hear anything with Chloe's delivery.  It made it all the more real that we finally have our daughter here with us, and what a true blessing from God and Chloe that she is.  Chris came back over and sat next to me and they handed Brooke over to him, and he put her cheek to cheek with me, I was able to kiss her little head and touch her face, and see what a proud daddy Chris was.  The anesthesiologist took some pictures which I was so thankful for.  Finally they were going to take her to the nursery and took Chris with them while they finished getting me back together.  Our Dr came over to me after he was done and told me that I did great, and that Brooke was beautiful and gave me a nice hug.  All the nurses finished cleaning me up and we went back to my recovery room, about 15-20 mins later Chris and Brooke came into the room with me and I finally got to hold her, and I have to say I never wanted to let her go.  She is the most amazing blessing that could of ever happen, and I know that Chloe had so much help in giving her to us.  She is so much more then what we prayed for, and is just absolutely amazing.

Chris:
This pregnancy and delivery were extremely nerve wracking. I remember the week before her delivery the amount of nerves and emotions I was feeling. I was frankly scared to death of what was to come. Sunday morning I took my time getting up, I don't know why, but I felt that if I took my time that maybe I could keep Lindsay pregnant even longer. I didn't want a repeat of how I felt after Chloe's delivery. We arrived at the hospital at 5 in the morning on Easter Sunday, which I quite honestly forgot that there was a 5 a.m., and we got our room pretty fast. After several minutes of nurses in and out, getting all of Lindsay's information, we finally got a few moments alone. We didn't say much, just enjoyed each others company. My parents and sister showed up, at a very punctual, 8 a.m. and by that time my nerves were shot. Seeing Lindsay hooked up to an I.V. in her gown reminded me of the past and it was killing me on the inside. I wanted to be excited, but I didn't know how to be. Her mom and niece showed up soon after my family did and without warning so did our Dr.. Next thing I know a nurse, 'Dee', whisked me away to a very isolated room. She kept telling me congratulations and asking if I was excited, i'm certain I didn't reply at all. Let me explain how I looked that morning, I am wearing typical attire, t-shirt, jeans, running shoes, and hat. I also had 2 phones and a camera in my hand specifically for taking pictures. The room I was lead to was about the size of a public bathroom. There were a few lockers, a bench, a walk-in closet that somehow was transformed into a bathroom, and a set of double doors. In the corner was a toddler-sized organizer. Inside were the faded blue scrubs, in descending order of size. I grabbed my XL scrub top and bottoms along with a hairnet, mouth cover, and booties. After an excruciating 10 minute wait, which felt like an eternity and a half, an O.R. nurse asked if I was ready. That's a funny question, even if you don't feel ready, they are, so it doesn't matter what your answer is. I replied yes because I'm a man, and off I went. I walked in and felt as if I walked into the room naked. Our Dr. and all the nurses turned towards me in unison and just stared at me until I sat down by Lindsay. Lindsay looked beautiful lying there looking at me with her beautiful green eyes and without hesitation I just started talking to the anesthesiologist to help get my mind off of what was going on just beyond the blue curtain of doom. After seemingly a few seconds I could smell the flesh as they started to cauterize her wound open. I remembered that smell vividly and it didn't bother me. As was said here and other posts, I ended up getting sick to my stomach with Chloe's delivery just over a year prior. I never heard the suction of the bodily fluids so I never got curious of where it was going. Before I knew it the anesthesiologist asked if I would like to see her come out of my wife. At that moment I was concerned if I would get the upset stomach or even worse pass out due to lack of blood in my skull. I peeked over the curtain and for no other reason than pure curiosity I stood up. I grabbed the anesthesiologist, just in case I went down I could take someone with me. I looked and saw the inside of my wife's abdomen. I saw this grey-ish  blob with veins all over it, blood, and a number of other red stuff. Next thing I know our Dr. cut the grey blob and all I could see was hair. My heart dropped to my toes along with my mouth. Then a face turned and faced me, the girl that we've waited for for so long was facing me for the first time in her life here on earth. After some wiggling and pulling by the Dr. our blessing was born. They took her to the warmers and cleaned her off real well, wrapped her up, and brought her over to Lindsay and I. We spent a few seconds together before being rushed to the nursery for the newborn check-up. After several minutes in the nursery, with the paparazzi (aka our families) outside the windows, we were taken back to see Lindsay. It wasn't until that moment that I realized two things. One of those things was that I had forgotten about the phones and camera, so I didn't get the pictures I wanted haha, and the other was that I watched my daughter take her first breath, watched her skin meet the outside world for the first time, I witnessed a miracle.

It was a huge change in our life, but we have embraced it with wide open arms and hearts. Every day I fall more in love with what we have created. Every little thing she does warms my heart to extremes that I didn't know were possible. She showed me what the true definition of what a rainbow baby is all about. Just yesterday my best friend told me that for the first time in a long time I looked and seemed happy. I didn't realize that the pain and hurt that I had in my heart and mind were so obvious on the outside. I thought I was hiding it a lot better. Evidently it's not my perception that counts, its that of others. When I held and kissed my daughter for the first time, I felt that unconditional love that I was yearning for since saying my final goodbye to Chloe. Now having Brooke here makes my internal wounds easier to handle. They will never be healed, but she helps us more and more every day.

So many questions

As the days pass, we miss our Chloe more and more, and wonder why she couldn't physically be here with us.  On Friday the 11th we had to go to Ellis funeral home to sign the rest of the papers for her cremation, and that has to be on of the hardest thing that a parents has to do.  I've been walking around a lot easier thankfully, mainly just sitting down and getting up are still a little sore but not as bad.  Chris has been absolutely amazing with helping me, and just being the amazing person that he is.  I keep telling him hes going to bust my staples cause he keeps making jokes and its so hard to laugh, but its nice to laugh and smile when we just want to cry. 

I've had a people tell me that they have no idea the feelings that Chris and I are experiencing, and I must say I would never wish it on anyone.  Even though we knew she was sick and wouldn't be with us, no amount of preparation could have prepared us for the emotions that came with losing our little girl.  I just remember telling Chris that I felt like it was okay for her to go, but I really didn't mean it.  I know that her pawpaw, and great grandparents who are in heaven, and God and Jesus are taking care of her, but I want to know that she's okay.  As selfish as it is I just want her here with us, I wanted to be able to see her smile, watch her grow up, start a family of her own, just hear her say mommy and daddy, and just be able to hear her say I love you too.  As our genetics counselor told us the only thing she ever knew was love, and that's comforting.  I know that someday Chris and I will have more children, or as he says twins, and they will know all about their big sister and how beautiful she is, and that she will always be watching over them.  I just wish we could see our baby, and just knew why her, why did God choose her to come home so soon?  Chloe's days here changed everything, and she is so missed, and loved so so much.  I know it'll get better, and I know in my heart Chris and I will get through this, but its so hard.

Chloe's birth announcement

Our guardian Chloe Aria

Chloe Aria Martin

Born: January 8, 2013

Time 8:28 AM 

Weight: 10.4 ounces 

Length: 10 inches 

As we sit here in the hospital room and listen to the rain, I can't help but think how appropriate the weather has been for these past couple days.  We came over to the hospital on the 8th at 5:30 to start the process of the c-section.  They put us in the L&D room, and I think shortly after 6:30 the nurses started the IV and drew blood and everything which made me even more nervous.  It was about 7:45 when they took us back to the OR, did my spinal tap and did the preparation.  I believe the surgery started shortly after 8, which it went well, as Dr Fanous said they had to do a classical incision on my uterus (which means it was a cross incision).  He came in to speak with us today and let us know that the placenta was indeed covering over my cervix, which the sonograms were showing it was low lying and to the right.  So if we tried to dilate and have a natural birth it would of ended in a c-section. 

I was wheeled back into our L&D room after the section at about 9:30, and they brought little Chloe in as well.  I was kind of out of it at first but came to pretty quick, and Chris looked at Chloe first and held her and was telling me she had my nose, and as we say the Hart toes.  A few mins later the nurse came in and brought her for me to hold, and she perfect just how she was.  Even though she was so tiny she had long legs like her daddy, his hands, my nose, and as Chris says my squinty eyes.  The nurse asked if we had any arrangements made for her yet, and Chris had to unfortunately call the funeral home to set up the cremation and her pick up.  As he said that was they hardest phone call he's had to make.  We had Chloe in the room with us for I believe 3-4 hrs, and in that time an amazing lady came in and took some very sweet pictures for us, and we received a large memory box from ABC Ministry which came with a small pink hat and matching pink blanket.  (We brought her a hat and blanket but sadly the hat was way to large for her and the blanket was to big too.)  The memory box has a lot more items in it as well, and the hospital gave us a pillow that has a teddy bear holding a baby angel that says "Even Angels need a place to rest", which our nurse put prints of her tiny feet on and all of her birth information.  Shortly after we finished with the pictures a lady came from the funeral home to pick Chloe up which was probably the hardest part of it all, and she was speaking with us about what will be done and gave us a little more time with Chloe.  Chris picked her up from the little bed and let me hold her again,  we decided to say a little prayer over her and told her how much we loved her, how much she's changed everything for us already, and how we wanted God, her PawPaw and great granny to take great care of her until our time came.  Chris held her one more time and let the lady know she could come back on, and helped wrap her in the blankets, we told her we loved her once again and we sadly had to let her go.  Chris and I cried for a while and just hugged each other, and as I told Chris "we've got this, we are going to get through this, and Chloe is always going to be with us."  

It was about 1:30 when we were taken to our room now.  We've gotten a lot of nice flowers and gifts, and thank you to everyone who's sent them or brought them by to us.  Also for all of our amazing family and friends who have came to see us, y'all are so nice to make the little trip to Odessa, thank you all again! 

 My incision pain hasn't been to bad, and Chris actually was able to help me out of the bed several times today and have walked the hallway.  When Dr Fanous came to speak with us earlier and said he would be by tomorrow around lunch time and we would most likely be going home shortly after that.  We've had very nice nurses helping us, but I think Chris and I are both ready to just be in the comfort of our home and our bed.  Chris has been so amazing through all of this, and has been such a great help.  We realized when he held Chloe, he held his first actual baby (he's always afraid he's going to break them), but she fit just right in daddy's hands and that sweet look of love on his face, made me even more happy that we found each other.  

But I guess I will end this post here and try to get some rest, I will continue to blog if any of you were wondering! 

Thank you again to everyone for their kind words and prayers, it's comforting knowing that so many care and have love for Chloe and us! 

1. Chloe's tiny foot prints with our wedding bands

Extremely sad day

It's hard to type this blog tonight, as most know our precious Chloe's big heart stopped beating, we think she may have passed between Thursday the 3rd and Friday the 4th.  As i posted previously we went to Dr on the 2nd and we got to hear her heart beating, but on Fri Chris got out our home fetal heart beat machine and tried for about 30 mins to find her, and we weren't able to.  Of course being hopeful we just thought maybe she was turned where we couldn't hear it well, we tried again Sat with no luck there either.  We kind of thought maybe she had passed, but were holding onto the hope that she hadn't yet.  I called this morning and talked to the nurses and we got into one of the high risk Drs at 9:30 this morning.  Which when we got back and started the sonogram Chris and I couldn't see her heart beat like we normally could, and the nurse seemed kind of sad but didn't say anything.  A few mins went by and before the Dr came in the nurse did another scan and we could see she had put the pointer where we could hear the heart beat, and unfortunately we couldn't hear anything, and there was a straight line on the screen, I of course started to tear up cause we've seen so many sonograms in the past couple months that we know pretty much a lot of whats going on without anyone saying.  Shortly after Chris asked if her heart had stopped, and the nurse was kind of quiet for a moment and said unfortunately I couldn't get it, and it appeared she started to tear up as well.  The Dr came in a little while after and was speaking with us, and said well as you know her heart has stopped, which we knew without her saying, it just sucked actually hearing it.  She went on to talk to us about everything, and was extremely kind and said that she could tell that we loved Chloe very much, and that she was lucky to have us as parents.

After we left that office we headed over to Dr Martinez and Dr Fanous' offices to speak with Dr Fanous about the delivery plans.  We also got her measured before we left, and she is def tiny, her head was measuring about 20 wk, and her body is averaging about 18-19 wks, which is what she measured about 7 wks ago.  We are going to go to Odessa Regional Hospital tomorrow morning to have a c-section at 7:30 am. They let us know that we would get prints of Chloe's hands and feet, we have the opportunity to have some pictures of her taken, and we can even have some time with her privately to hold her and everything, we will also have a pastor coming by to give her a blessing, and to pray with us, and I'm sure few other things I'm probably forgetting.

 I just want to say that everyone we have come in contact with at both Dr Martinez, Fanous, and the regional perinatal centers have been so amazing and so kind to us, and have help so much with everything.  The nurse's have been so stellar and the Drs are amazing, I know Dr Martinez, Dr Fanous, and all the nurses don't have to deal with sick baby's like Chloe everyday, but they have been so amazing and helpful to us every step of the way, it makes me so much happier that we have them.

Also on a happier note, we have raised a little over $200 so far with the donations we have received for Chloe's bracelets!  I know we still have some donations coming in, and thank you to everyone who has donated, it makes me very happy that ABC Ministry is going to get so much from all of us.  I know some have asked what the address is to donate and here it is:
ABC Ministry
c/o Diane Eggermeyer
PO Box 65
Midkiff, Tx 79755

I just wanted to thank everyone once again for all of the kind words, and thoughts for us and Chloe, she is our little guardian angel, and I know she will always be with us.  We will keep everyone up to date as things come along.  We love you all!

 

"So do not fear, for I am with you;

do not be dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you and help you;

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Isaiah 41:10

Update so far

I know I haven't updated lately, but to be honest nothing has really changed since the last post. We've been to the Dr one other time since the last post, and Chloe's hearts still beating, which we are thankful for. Esp because we were able to bring in the new year with her, even though she wasn't physically with us, knowing that her heart was still beating makes me more grateful for how strong she is.

For those of you who haven't seen on my FB, we received a heart monitor from a friend for the house, and I have a video that I will post at the end of this and you can hear Chloe's big heart just beating away. We also go back to the Drs on the 9th, which we will see Dr Fanous, because Dr Martinez will be out of town. He is the Dr who covers for Martinez. We will also go back and see Dr Martinez on the 14th, then Dr Blanco (the high risk Dr) on the 17th.

Also we got in the bracelets we ordered for those who haven't heard, and so far we have raised $95 for ABC Ministry from the donations received from the bracelets!  I also wanted to say thank you once again to everyone who have donated, and who have been thinking about us and praying.  It really does help to know that others are praying just as much as we are!  I guess I will finish this post here, and I will let everyone know how our next couple appts go, and I will post some pictures below, as well as the heart beat video.

Here is the picture that was suppose to be

with the last entry, tiny 6 month belly

 

 

The bacelets, we did silver which is the awareness color,

and her name in hot pink, and on the inside it says "Isaiah 41:10"

 "So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Daddy giving Chloe her first NYE kiss

 

Here's where we were able to find her heart beat on the heart monitor

Latest dr visits

Sorry I haven't updated everyone on how our Drs appts have went lately, with Christmas it's been crazy busy for us. 

We went to the Dr on the 18th, and Chloe's heart is still beating. Which to be honest was a surprise due to how extremely low her fluid is, but it was bittersweet to hear it. On the sonograms it's hard to seem much of her besides her head due to the low fluid. I received a call from one of the nurses letting me know Dr Martinez wanted to see us on Friday the 21st due to the long weekend and just discuss something's with us. We went in that morning and he let us know during Chloe's delivery for my safety we will have to do a c-section. He had let us know he had spoke with some fellow

Drs who have dealt with babies who pass and informed him that once Chloe passes there is a chance that my body could release a toxin called DIC (Disseminated intravascular coagulation) which will cause my blood to not clot. The possibility of the toxin and my placenta previa causing me to possibly bleed would not be good for my safety. We had an idea from the beginning that we would have to have a c-section due to the placenta previa, and the holoprosencephaly causing Chloe's head to be larger. It sucks to know that I will have to have a surgery and not be able to bring home our daughter, but knowing that it is what is safest makes it better. As Chris and I have said c-sec are so common nowadays it's really not something to worry about having. We will go back to see him in the afternoon of the 27th, I'll be sure to give an update much sooner that our visit. 

Tiny 6 month belly

A little update

I'm sure some of y'all have wondered where I've been since we've been to a couple Dr's visits since my last post.  Sorry for not posting sooner and keeping everyone up to date on things so far, I had finals for my classes, which I thankfully passed!

Okay so we went to the high risk Dr's on Dec 6th, which it was pretty much over everything we already knew from the MRI and her condition, we are starting to only see Dr. Martinez once again since there isn't much the other Dr's can do now that we know what exactly Chloe's condition is.  We also saw Dr. Martinez on Dec 6th and the 10th, and the amniotic fluid is extremely low, I believe they said it was in the 1/3 percentile for what it should be, and of course in the sonograms we can tell that there isn't much fluid there.  We also talked to Dr. Martinez about what will happen next which was very hard.  With the fluid being as low as it is, he bluntly let us know that he didn't believe she would be with us much longer, and he would be surprised if she made it to Christmas.  We and Dr. Martinez all agreed that we didn't want to do anything until Chloe's heart stopped beating, which feels right in my heart to do, as much as I don't want her to be in pain anymore I can't come to having her before she's ready to let go.  Unfortunately with my placenta previa and Chloe's holoprosencephaly when she passes away the delivery as he said will be a little tricky.  They wouldn't be able to induce me like they would anyone else because her head isn't as hard as any other baby, and the placenta previa, it could cause bleeding, and there would be a possibility that I could start to bleed out, causing a c-section to be done.  Honestly I'm not nervous about having a c-sec if it came to that, but as Dr. Martinez had said he wants to prevent it if possibly due to the fact that I would have one and not have a baby to take home afterwards.  We'll go back to see Martinez tomorrow the 18th to check Chloe's heart, and of course go from there.

I also have to say that I'm very saddened to read about the shooting in Connecticut, on my facebook I've seen the pictures going around of the poor children who passed away due to that senseless act, and it really breaks my heart.  I can't fully imagine what it feels like to loose a child like that, I guess no one ever really does.

Sometimes, when the sun goes down,
It seems it will never rise again,
but it will!
Sometimes, when you feel alone,
It seems your heart will break in two,
but it won't.
And sometimes, it seems,
It's hardly worthwhile carrying on,
But it is.
For sometimes, when the sun goes down,
It seems it will never rise again,
But it does.

- Frank Brown

Some thoughts and music

Let me start off by saying thank you to everyone who continues to pray for us, and thinks about us and Chloe, they help to know that so many people already care so much for her.  Also we got to see a picture of her angel bear that ABC Ministry's had done for us, and let me say it is so beautiful, we'll receive her tomorrow at our Drs visit, and I am very excited to see her in person. 

I picked up my baby niece yesterday from school, and on the way to my moms house (Nana) she asked me something that was so innocent and with this sweet concerned face, she said "Gomo why is the baby going to heaven?"  To be honest I wasn't expecting a question like that, I went on to tell her that "Chloe had a boo-boo on her brain, and she's sick.  But it'll be okay cause she'll be in heaven with PawPaw, and God, and Jesus, and she'll be watching over us."  Of course only being 5 I'm not sure if she completely understands it all, but her asking that kind of made me realize just how much Chloe's situation is effecting everyone.  I knew it would, but I guess before that question I never realized how much.  One of my nephews started hugging me lately and saying "when is that baby going to get here?" and I just tell him it'll be a while, but it'll be alright.  And today my oldest niece asked how Chloe was doing, and being 9 I was able to explain to her a little easier that Chloe's sick, I think she can understand it a little better due to the fact that she can remember when my dad, their PawPaw, passed away.

I knew all of this would effect everyone in our families, and our friends, but you never really know till something like that happens.  (Chloe is Chris' family's first grandbaby, and will be my family's 8th grandbaby.)  I also heard from a friend at work that shared the poem from my last poem with her friend who lost twins, and told me that it helped her out, and hearing that it helps me know that us having this blog is a good thing not only for us, but its helping others too.  I know most may never experience anything like this personally, but if it helps them to just hug their kids a little tighter, or anything like that, I feel like Chloe's time with us would of helped so many others.

As I said in the last post music is a big thing for me to express the emotions that we are experiencing, and I'd like to share some very good songs with everyone, maybe y'all can check them out, and maybe they'll help you with something too!  (I'll post a link to the song on youtube as well.)

1 "Gone to Soon"- Daughtry     This song I feel explains how we feel right now, and some of the lyrics just seem to speak to me.  One part says "Would you have been president?
Or a painter, a author or sing like your mother" and if you know me you know that I love to paint, and a little known fact about Chris is he loves to write, and can write about anything. Also "what would you look like? would you have my smile and her eyes?" which really makes me think of Chris' dream the other night when he saw Chloe.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YvpoYxwI08M

2 "If You Could See Me Now"- Jeff Bates   Whats unique about this song is he wrote a song that my dad heard a little before he passed away and liked and we played it at his funeral, and Bates is my dad's mom (my grandma) maiden name.  This song is very sweet too, and just talks about from a child who passed point of view and how they are okay, and happy in heaven.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yyzsggy3uuE

3 "I Will Carry You"- Selah   This song is very sweet and the singer wrote this song because when she was pregnant with her 4th daughter they knew was going to pass away shortly after her birth, and is def a look into how they feel.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pxZhEcTzn6Q

4 "My Name"- George Canyon  This music video is sad, and really tells the story of the song, a couple are having their baby and she passes away, but they never knew what they were having, and even though we know we are having a little girl, it is def a sweet song, and video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FbUWw1SKc8Q


Before I end this post, I also wanted to share this poem I found for Chris, and for really any dad out there who's lost a child, and really makes you remember they are losing something too:

 It must be very difficult

To be a man in grief,
Since "men don't cry"
and "men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.

It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test,
And field the calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.

They always ask if she's all right
And what she's going through.
But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, but how are you?"

He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break.
He dries her tears and comforts her,
But "stays strong" for her sake.

It must be very difficult
To start each day anew.
And try to be so very brave-
He lost his baby too.

-Eileen Knight Hagemeister

Chloe's Angel bear by ABC Ministry's