Keeping this blog/ Update

I had a friend ask if we were going to keep up with this blog, or if we were going to create a new blog for this pregnancy, and honestly I want to keep this blog and just continue to write about our adventures with our rainbow baby, Chloe, and future babies.

I am currently 13 wks, and all scans are looking great, we've got to see a lot of Coco Puffs movement, which we didn't get to see Chloe move much.  Her movements were more reflexive movements which is common with HPE, were as Puffs seem to be more normal, I guess would be the right way to describe it?  I'm finally starting to get more of a pregnant belly now, instead of a "is she pregnant or just gaining weight" belly lol. We're also going to see Martinez every week for now to keep an eye on the fluid since we're always paranoid about it since Chloe's was so low early on, but as he said the fluid looks great, and there's a lot of it.  We also discussed going to see the high risk drs for a more extensive exam to check Puff's development, which I don't know when that'll be, I'm guessing around 16 wks, since that's when we found out there was a development problem with Chloe.  Another confidence booster with this pregnancy, besides having good feelings has been that Puff has always measured right on with the weeks that I am, were as Chloe always measured around a week behind.  I'll post sonograms below of Chloe and of Puff so everyone can see the differences that Chris and I are seeing  already as well.  I guess I will leave off the blog here, and write more posts later, keep checking back :)!!

Puff's 10 wk sonogram 

Chloe's 12 wk sonogram, you can tell her fluid was getting low here 

Puff's 13 wk sonogram, you can tell Puff's fluid is much different from Chloe's 12 wk sonogram

Another of Puff's 13 wk sonogram, the pointer is pointing at toesies 

Praying this is our Rainbow

On Aug 28th, around 6 pm Chris and I got the amazing news that Chloe helped answer some of our prayers and sent us another child.  I am 9 wks pregnant currently, and it has been very difficult to keep it quiet since we found out when I was around 2-3 wks.  Chris and I are both confident in that this pregnancy will go differently if you will, we're still hoping and praying though, this time is already very different from Chloe's pregnancy. 

I remember before we found out with Chloe I had gained weight quickly and people thought I was pregnant right away, and this time that was not the case, my belly is slowly starting to round and stick out more, also I was never really sick in the beginning with Chloe either and now I've had all day morning sickness/nausea, which I've heard is a good thing.

We got to see Dr Martinez at 6 wks and saw our little coco puff and the heart beat, which was amazing since you usually can't see it that early on.  We got to hear the heart beat at 7 wks, and again at 8 wks, and Dr Martinez said everything is looking great, which is def comforting and helping with our nervousness.  We are set to go back when I am about 11-12 wks and I know some people are wondering if we will be seeing the Dr more, and as he and the nurses kindly told us if we want to come in anytime between appts just to see the baby or anything like that we can def give them a call and they would be more then happy to get us in.  Which knowing that is a major comfort and weight lifted off of us.  We have also talked about seeing the high risk Drs sometime for a more extensive exam and to check development and everything like that.  We don't know when that will be yet, I'm thinking it may be around 16 wks since that is when we found out there was concern with Chloe.  Chris and I are def nervous, excited, and all of the other emotions that come along, but we have a sense of comfort, I like to think it's from Chloe and God letting us know everything will be alright.

I also don't want anyone to think we are replacing Chloe, because there is nothing in this world that can EVER replace her, we are simply adding to our amazing family, and giving her a sibling to watch over.  We still miss her everyday, and I know that I talk and think of her all the time, and we are so grateful that we had her for the time we did.  We are lucky enough to know who one of our guardian angels are, and who will help to watch over our children, along with her pawpaw and great granny.  

I guess I will end this post for the moment and I would like to ask everyone to keep our family in your thoughts and prayers please!  Also I would like to thank everyone for all of their kind words of excitement and love that we have received, it means so much to me!

Our announcement picture

One of those days...

It has been some time since I have posted last, my apologies to anyone who still reads the blog.  Things have been busy for us here lately, I am about to start coaching my nieces soccer team once again, please pray the girls will have another fun season.  We are also going to Amarillo to see an foot/ankle specialist for Chris' ankles, and hopefully to get him relief from the pain he's experienced basically his whole life.  I ask that everyone could help us pray about this as well, and pray that the dr can help Chris and if it comes to surgery that it will all go perfect.  

To be honest it has been a couple months since I've had one of those days.  Chris and I have been doing really good lately, we've been talking about trying to have another baby, and things have just been going really good all around.   But I guess for the past few days things have just hit me, like we realized that its been over a year since we found out we were pregnant with Chloe, and on the 8th she would of been 7 months old.  I don't know if its just from all the people announcing they are pregnant, baby showers, or babies being born, it makes me realize all over again that Chloe's not here with us where she should be.  I haven't really cried in a few months, and looking back at the other posts I've typed  I remember how many tears were behind every single one of them, and it makes me wonder when is it going to stop hurting like this, but it's not going to.  I know most don't know how it feels, when I lost my dad it felt like a piece of my heart was ripped away, and when we lost Chloe its like it was all ripped out.  No matter how good a day can be going it constantly feels like there is a piece of my heart missing.  Some people may think "get over it" but the thing with loosing someone, whether its a child, parent, significant other, family member, friend, whoever, you never "get over it", you simply learn to cope, and even then, this is something that stays with you forever, you don't simply forget.  You become stronger because you've went another day without a person you love, but it still hurts.  I have a friend who lost her daughter during pregnancy in June and when I heard, my heart broke, it makes me just wonder why, why does this have to happen, and to such good people.  I also wanted to say thank you to everyone who still wears Chloe's bracelet, it really means a lot to me when I see someone wearing one, or hear that they wear them, it helps put a smile on my face. 

 

But I digress, I hope everyone has a lovely day today, I plan to make mine better. 

"Still"

"Lost you before we met you, Gone before you came, But we love you just the same.  Missed you before we met you, On earth we never can, But in heaven we'll meet again..."

-"Still" by Gerrit Hofsink

I have had this post saved as a draft since May 16th, but I hope that everyone had a wonderful Mother's Day 2013 this year.  Being my first Mother's Day, it was very nice, and Christopher and all of our family def helped. 

Something that I have noticed here recently is how many other families have lost children, wether its from miscarriage, pregnancy loss, neonatal death, or any other situation.  I have friends who have lost children, (I had a friend pass away while in 8th grade, and I've attended a funeral for a friends child), but I guess until you experience something of that magnitude you don't really realize how many others that are out there who have been through a similar situation.  I believe I had wrote this in a past entry about how I received many messages and things like that before and after Chloe passed from others who lost a child, and it def comforted us.  At the time with everything happening its hard to not think that you are alone in the situation, and to have others reach out it def helps.  I guess when you hear someone is pregnant you don't think that something could go wrong, or that something is wrong.  You just kind of automatically think that everything is fine, and that baby will be coming around there due date.  Something Chris and I heard a lot and still a little now is that people don't know what to say, which I can understand.  Yes we are sad about what happened with Chloe, but its okay to ask how we're doing, to talk about her, say sorry for what happened, or anything like that, and I think that's with anyone who's been through loosing someone.  Also for me it helps to hear others situations, because it shows that you're not alone, now I can't say that others would want that.

Chris and I have been doing better, we have each other, amazing family and friends, and we know that Chloe is always with us, helping us get though it all.  I get asked from time to time if we are going to try again, and for anyone who doesn't know that answer, yes we are.  Chris and I have talked about when we would want to, and we both agree that we just want it to happen, and not really plan anything, but I know I'm going to probably try to plan it :).  I think maybe in the next few months it may happen, for the simple fact that I had a dream I was pregnant again the other day, and I remember having dreams like that a few months before we found out we were pregnant with Chloe.  But if it doesn't happen right away, that's okay, because I know that's what is suppose to be, and that it will happen when the time is right.  So for all those out there, just please continue to pray for us, we are def appreciative! 

Hospice Butterfly Release/ Bereaved Mothers Day

As I post in my last entry I was set to speak with a mom, Meredith, whose daughter Lily passed away from HPE as well.  We had a very nice talk, and she def helped my confidence for when Chris and I decide to try again.

I was also invited to a lunch and hospice butterfly release by our genetics counselor which was really nice.  The lunch consisted of about 5 other couples who had lost a child or children, and we went around and talked about our babies and what they had.  One couple was pregnant again after loosing their first child, a daughter 11 months prior who had trisomy 13 I believe, which is a chromosomal issue.  I spoke with them and they said she also had HPE but it was due to the T13.  The mom had told me her current pregnancy was going well, and that all though it had been a long 9 months, that is was def worth it.  Which hearing that helped my mind out as well.  Following our lunch we all went to the hospice butterfly release, where Beth, Mallory, Keith, and Zander came over to watch too.  They read Chloe's name along with the other children's names, and the other people who had passed aloud to all of the people there.  At the butterfly release we ended up with 6 butterflies and 4 balloons.  The kids wrote their names on their balloons, Chloe's name, and we wrote "we love you!", once the release started our butterflies didn't leave their cups, and 1 of the monarchs in the boxes flew from the box and landed right on Mallory's leg.    Once all the balloons and butterflies were released, the monarch on Mallory still wouldn't fly away, so Beth and I figured there must be something wrong with its wings.  A lady who was working with hospice came by and told us it was a girl butterfly, and it must be our loved one since it wouldn't leave.  Right before we left we had the kid put it on one of the bushes and right before we walked off the butterfly flew away.  Which then Beth and I looked at each other and started wondering why it never flew away before then, we figured it was Chloe just hanging out with us. 

I also read I believe on Sunday the 5th that it was international bereaved Mother's Day (I think it's the Sunday before Mother's Day).  Which kind of hit home because I haven't really thought this being my Mother's Day.  Chris had asked me the other day what I wanted and honestly I don't know.  I think any parent who's lost a child just wants that child to physically be there with them.  But I also think that moms in situations like ours we just want it acknowledged that we are moms, "Parents aren't determined by the number of kids they have, but the amount of Love they hold in their hearts."  For me personally I want people to talk about Chloe as well and use her name, it helps to keep her here with us.  It is comforting when we hear or read Chloe's name because it's not that we forgotten about her, because she will never be forgotten, but it's that others are remembering her just like we are.  

         Balloon and butterfly release 

 The butterfly that stayed on Mallory's leg

I believe this applies to fathers just as much 

White butterflies

Here lately when I am kind of down, and thinking about Chloe (to be honest I am always thinking of her), I see these little white butterflies. Whether its when I am walking, or driving somewhere, I always see one or two little butterflies fly by or across my path. It got me to thinking, what does a white butterfly mean, and everywhere I looked said basically the same thing, this is what one website had posted:

White Butterfly meaning: the soul of a child, transformation, purity, truth, growth, change, symbol of the soul, sign of angels watching over you, good luck, sign of a good life.

I don't know about anyone else, but I think about things like that, meanings behind things that I continue to see. (Like at my dads funeral we saw one yellow and black butterfly that flew right in front of all of the family, and that was the only butterfly we saw that day.). After reading that it makes me think that it is Chloe almost letting me know that she's here with us. What do y'all think?

I also came across a website, http://www.lilyjanestationery.com/about who is owned by a mom who lost her daughter, Lily, to HPE, you can read Lily's story and more on the website. In Meredith's blog she talks about her children, she has a boy that is older then Lily, and one that is younger, it gives me hope for our next pregnancy. Meredith and I are set to speak via Skype on Friday, and I'm hoping it will calm my nerves a little more. I know I shouldn't freak out because Chris and I have talked and we know that we don't want to try to get pregnant again for a few more months, but I guess the unknown of the future still is nerve racking. I'm pretty sure though next pregnancy I'm not going to be able to relax until after 16 wks, due to the fact that at 16 wks is when we discovered there was something going on with Chloe. I guess that we are "lucky" in that sense if you will, because most parents don't discover HPE or things of that nature until 20 wks of pregnancy.

On another note Chris and my birthdays are coming up, mine on April 18th, and Chris' on May 31st! For me it sure doesn't feel like its almost my birthday lol I guess that happened after you hit the "big" birthdays like 18 and 21. Well I hope everyone has a good rest of the week and I will def be typing more blogs soon!

2 1/2 months

I've been meaning to type up a new blog for a while now, just didn't really know what to type. The past couple months have been trying, some days much better then others. My dad's 4 yr anniversary was on March 6th, which was hard because it's hard to believe its been 4 yrs since he's been gone. Lately I've been replaying how everything with Chloe happened, and it makes me wonder if there was more we could of done. I know the Drs said it was all a "lightening strike", it can happen to anyone, and that we didn't do anything wrong, but it's hard to not think that there was something that I did wrong. I realize how much hope I had that Chloe would of made it to be here with us, even if she would of been special, I had that hope that she would make it. I hear about all these girls having kids, or who already have kids, then you see how they act and how they don't take care about their children at all, and it just makes me wonder why in the world they were even blessed with kids. I know I should think like that, but its hard, I see these people who have health kids, but they speak so nasty to them, go out every single night, and just plain don't care!

Here lately I've kind of had some anxiety about future pregnancies, even though I know that Chris and I aren't going to "try" for a while, I still worry about when that day comes. All of the what-ifs that are all entailed, some days I think "oh yeah I can't wait to get pregnant, and have another baby" but them the majority of days I think "I don't know if I can do it all again. I don't know if I can have another c-section, or risk something else bad happening". I try to be positive, but its difficult, I've spoke with some other women who have been through similar situations, in loosing a child, and they said its normal to feel like this, and that it gets better, but it's hard to see it getting better right now. I guess I've just been in a funky mood due to Chloe's original due date coming up. But my youngest niece did cheer me up the other day, I had picked her up from school, and we were waiting to get her brother when she asked "are you and Chris going to have another baby?" and I told her yes we were but not for a while, and I asked her what she thought we would have, a boy or another girl? Then she told me "I think it'll be another girl and a boy!" lol which made me laugh, cause I've already told Chris we're destined to have 3 children because almost everyone one on our block has had 3 kids, so that means Chloe will more then likely have 2 siblings (maybe 3 o_O lol).

On an ending note for this post, I saw this on pinterest and can relate to it, I wish they had one about Fathers too.

http://stillstandingmag.com/2013/03/the-bereaved-mother-is/