Long day

Today has been a long day; it seems like a lot longer than past days.  I really can’t believe this year is almost over, 2012 seemed to by so fast, but I have a feeling it might slow down with our Drs appts coming up.  We’ll see both Dr Martinez, and Dr Blanco’s offices on Thursday the 6^th.  I also wanted to let everyone know thank you for being here and the prayers for us, it means a lot to us.  That being said I know that in pregnancies its usually all about the mom to be, but please don’t forget that Chris is here with me and going through all of this too, its effecting him just the same as its effecting me, though he can hold it together better than I can some days.  I appreciate when I receive texts from friends, or FB messages or posts, so please don’t leave him out, he needs the support just like I do, whether he wants to admit it or not.  I know sometimes the dad gets left out because it’s the mom who’s going through the physical changes, but dad’s go through them too, and Chris has been right by my side for everything physical and emotional.  I’m just saying this because Chris and I are both Chloe’s parents, and we’re both going through all of the same emotions no matter what way we show them.

I thought I’d also share Chris’ dream that he had the other night.  He was having a rough day, and finally got to sleep, and he told me he had a dream about Chloe.  Said he was walking outside and got to a really bright street light, he heard a little girl ask if his name was Chris Martin, he turned around to see a tall little girl maybe about 8 years old that had my eyes and nose, and his lips and blonde hair.  He told her yes he was Chris, then she told him ‘Dad everything’s going to be okay… I’m okay daddy.’  Of course hearing this made me sad, because it makes me wonder if our Chloe is already in heaven with her PawPaw and God.  Things have gotten easier with everything, but it still hurts to hear so much bad news every time we go to the Dr it seems.  I know things from here are going to get harder sadly, but I just wish our Chloe was going to be able to be here with us, and be our healthy little girl.  We still talk and sing to her everyday which is comforting, but I’m not feeling her move as much, which I think is due to the fact of her legs being in the straight locked position that Dr Twickler saw on the MRI. 

I found this song shortly after we got the news that Chloe only had a brainstem, we were getting food at Subway and playing through the speakers was the song “Need You Now (How Many Time)” by Plumb.  I’ve never heard it before, and it took me some time to find the actual song, but thankfully Chris found it for me, here’s a link to it on youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bKEtqaGgfXo  Music has always been a big help for me , and today while in my mood I’ve found quit a few songs that I really like.  As Chris says I always seem to find that one song that fits perfectly for a situation we are in.  Chris and I have also said that we want to get tattoos for Chloe too, if you don’t know us that well we are definitely no strangers to getting tattoos. 

I know for sure we are going to be ordering the silicone bracelets soon; I just need to make sure I like how they’ll look.  If you’d like one please let me know, I was thinking of ordering about  40-50 adult bracelets, and maybe 15-20 child bracelets, so let me know if you’re interested that way I can be sure to have enough ordered.  Also as I’ve said in a previous post we’ll be taking donations for anyone who would like to donate, and I believe we will be sending it to the ABC Ministries in Midkiff, Tx they are the ones who are making Chloe’s bear for us, but once we know for sure I will let everyone know so you’ll know what the donation is helping with. Also here is ABC Ministry’s FB for anyone who would like to “like” their page: https://www.facebook.com/pages/ABC-Ministry/124500517666500#!/pages/ABC-Ministry-Angel-Baby-Creations/253972787989018?fref=ts

Also a poem Chris found that I thought was touching:
What Makes a Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes.
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a mother and
I know I heard him say,

A mother has a baby.
This we know is true.
But God, can you be a mother
when your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can, He replied
with confidence in His voice.
I give many women babies.
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime
and others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb
but there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this. God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared His throat
and then I saw a tear.

I wish I could show you
what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
with other children and say,

"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of life and love and fear.
My Mommy loved me, Oh so much,
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom
who had so much love for me,
I learned my lesson very quickly.
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy, Oh so much,
but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
on her pillow's where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
and whisper in her ear,
'Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here.'"

So you see, my dear sweet one,
your children are okay.
Your babies are here in My home,
They'll be at heavens gate waiting for you.

They'll wait for you with Me
until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home,
they'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother-
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not realize you are a Mother,
until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day,
and know you're the best one.

~Jennifer Wasik