You would have been 3...

 

Dear Chloe,

 

Today you're 3 years old, where has all of the time gone.  I've been thinking for a while what I wanted to write you on your birthday.  I want it to be perfect.
 

Let me start by saying Happy Birthday Chloe, our beautiful angel!!  We love and miss you!  We think about you often, and when I look at your little sister I wonder how much alike or different you two would be.  I'm thankful you helped to send us Brooke by the way.  I wonder constantly of how much alike you two would look.  I'm sure you'd both get mistaken for each other just like your aunts and I do all the time.
 

I pray your party is beautiful as the angels help to sing you happy birthday.  I bet it's an amazing sight to see.  Be sure to give your PawPaw and Great Granny some extra hugs for us too.  We'll be sending some balloons to you this afternoon that we hope you'll like.  And of course I'll let sister help eat your cupcake. :)
 

They say time heals all wounds, but I think it just softens the pain.  It still hurts and some days are better then most, but it helps to know we have some amazing guardian angels watching over us.  I know you have made us better, stronger, more thoughtful and compassionate; and for that I am forever grateful. I wish everyone could see into the layers of themselves to see more of who they are, but without having to go through the tragedy part.
 

Happy birthday our sweet baby Chloe, we love and miss you!!
 

Love, Mommy, Daddy, and Sister
 

photo credit Pinterest 

photo credit Pinterest 

Where is Time Going?

As I sit here and watch Brooke play with her Minnie Mouse tea set I can't believe how big she's gotten, and what a personality she's developed in 15 months.  I know in just a bit we'll head to the bedroom, cuddle and probably watch Octonauts as she slowly drifts off to sleep.  I think with kids starting school, and seeing all of my nieces and nephews grow older it's gotten me kind of emotional.  My baby isn't much of a baby anymore, she's a dancing, smiling, laughing, talktive, crazy at times, fun loving, not so little bundle of joy.  I think of that saying, "you'll never get this time with your kids again, so cherish it", and believe me Chris and I def do.  Some may think we spoil Brooke, but my thinking is you can never spoil a kid with too much love and affection.  A friend pinned a picture that I think is so true it said something like, 'No matter who comes into their lives, they will never love them as much as I do'.

My oldest niece is starting Jr high this year.  I just need to let that sink in, this young lady who's about my height now that I used to change her diapers, and coached her soccer team since she was 4, is starting Jr high.  I think it's hard to fathom that she's grown so much in what feels like such a little amount of time.  I feel the same with Brooke, it was just yesterday we were bringing her home from the hospital wasn't it??

Chris and I have talked about having more kids, and while we def do, hopefully it won't be soon, maybe 2-3 years.  Unless God's plan for us is different of course.  I think right now we have our hands pretty full with this little gymnast that's climbing onto the couch and attacking us.

With everything that has happened in our life's in the past 3 years of our totally imperfectness.  Just sitting here on the couch with Brooke stealing my phone and saying cheese at the camera, and Chris playing a little xbox, it feels pretty perfect to me.  I'm sure it helps that we have some pretty amazing people watching over us.  I hope everyone has great days back to school, and a wonderful school year!

Still has one beautiful smile

Squishy face with daddy

Taboo

Did you know that 1 in 4 women will have some sort of pregnancy loss?  That's 25% of women, yet no one talks about it.

I watched the YouTube vogglers Nia and Sam's video which has been circulating around FB about him announcing her pregnancy to her. (Check it out here https://youtu.be/GODw8TuinNQ)  It was a very cute (and somewhat odd) video and seeing how happy they were made me very happy for them.  Unfortunately today I saw a video of theirs where they sadly announced that they had miscarried.  It's so sad to hear and read. They were all so excited and unfortunately it came to an ubrupt end.  I know that feeling all to well. 

A big thing that bothers me though is the comments that they're receiving, some saying that they "faked" the pregnancy, and others saying "they announced to early". I read she was around 6-7 wks along.  I know it's taboo to announce before 12 wks to anyone but we announced both of our pregnancies before 12 wks, and I have a child in heaven and a healthy one here on Earth.  It's hard to keep the joys of pregnancy quiet. I know some think it will jinx a healthy pregnancy, but you get to be happy for a little bit longer. God forbid something bad does happen, you don't have to go about it alone.  It's sad that our society makes us feel like it's wrong to talk about pregnancy loss, or child loss because it's taboo and makes people uncomfortable. However you know what it's even more uncomfortable for the people going through it? Knowing that they can't talk about their loss cause it makes things weird.  What all those parents need sometimes is for someone to talk to, to listen to them, to let them know they are still parents, or to just simply speak about their child. 

Going back to the statistic at the first, if you have 3 of your closest friends in a circle with you, 1 person statistically in that circle will, God forbid, miscarry. 1 in 4 is not a big number.  It sucks to become a statistic, and when it happens, you feel like you're the only one going through it, even though you know you're not.  In the past 2 years since Chloe's birth it seems like there has been more awareness being brought up about pregnancy and child loss. I may notice because we're one family that has been through it, but I have the hope that one day it won't be so taboo to talk about. It can happen to anyone at any time and unfortunately no one is exempt.

Dad:

After going through what we did, I learned a few valuable lessons. Talking about it to people, to me, is a double edged sword. It feels good to let it out, but it feels like ripping off a bandaid. If someone talks to you about their situation and really let's you know how their heart feels, listen to them. They are opening up their heart and soul to you and letting you see their vulnerable side. When our daughter was given the grim diagnosis I had a tough time talking to anyone. I didn't want people to know how bad it hurt. To this day I regret not letting anyone in 100%. The only real person who has seen my dark side is my wife. It's a dark and deep space that is slowly, but surely, getting occupied by Brooke. She has truly changed my mind and heart more than anything in the world. What happened with Chloe will be in my heart and soul forever. It's a love/hate issue. I loved the fact that I was able to hold her, kiss her, and pray over her. However I hated it because I knew I'd never hold her, kiss her, or see her ever again. There isn't a tougher feeling in the world to overcome than that of a child that has been ripped out of your life for no reason and there is nothing you can do to fix it.

Been a While

It's been some time since my last post.  We haven't had to much excitement other then Brooke turning 1 in April!!  She's walking, talking, singing, and just so smart and beautiful.  Oh and did I mention she loves Dr Phil, she gets so excited when she hears his voice.  I'll share a few pictures at the end of this post. 

Seeing her grow up so fast makes me sad, but I am so thankful that she's happy and healthy.  I know Chloe watches over her, the other day Brooke saw some pictures of us with Chloe and started saying "baby!", we told her yes that's sister, a few days later she noticed them again and it sounded just like she said "sister!"  I wonder sometimes if she can see her, or her papa, or her great grandparents, like some people say that kids can see angels.  There are some days that she'll just start talking and smiling, it makes me wonder if the angels are talking or singing to her.

I guess some other excitement that we've had has been that Chris and I both had chicken pox for the second time.  We both had mild cases when we were little, and just happened to get them again in our 20's, how does that happen?   Well I guess I did give them to Chris so we know how he got them, hahaha.  As Chris said "chicken pox are for the birds, no pun intended".  Now we're just praying that Brooke won't get infected, it's been 2 wks since I've had them and Chris is going through the scabing up stage. 

Chris and I also celebrated our 4 year wedding anniversary, and 10 years together in June.  We've had some hard times obviously, that many couples may never go through, and we've always come out stronger.  There's no one else in this world that I'd rather spend this crazy beautiful life with!  

I'll go ahead and leave this post for now, and share a few pictures, and I'll be sure not to wait so long between posting next time.  

Eating her birthday cake

Clearly we don't take ourselves to serious

Watching her Dr Phil during family pictures

Us through the years 

Happy 2nd Birthday Chloe!!

           2 years ago today, we said hello and good-bye to our angel, Chloe Aria.  As most of you who know us or read this blog know we found out at 16 wks pregnancy that Chloe had a condition called Primitive Alobar Holoprosencephaly (HPE).  Meaning that in her development her brain did not properly develop, all that had developed was her brain stem, and a cranial sack of cerebral spinal fluid.  Now 3+ years ago never would I of thought I would know such big medical terms, how to spell them, or let alone what they actually meant.  I also never would have thought that I would be effected directly by a condition like this, I’ve seen miscarriages in our family and friends, but never pregnancy loss resulting in stillbirth.  Now that being said, some of you may think that Chloe was a miscarriage, but in the medical field she was a stillbirth, if a pregnancy ends after 20 wks it is no longer considered miscarriage, we had her at 27 wks.   

In our state of mind and life now looking back, that was one of the darkest times of our lives, but Chris and I lived it to the fullest and tried to look for the best in all of the situations we were handed.  I believe our faith was tested to the fullest, and we def came out stronger than I thought we would of.  Some people may think, ‘well if you knew she was going to pass away anyway, why go through the pregnancy, and just terminate?’  Well that’s a good questions, that was an option that the Dr’s had gave us. For some people that may be the easy thing for them to do, but as I had told Chris when we were discussing our options, I didn’t want to choose the day that our daughter died.  Now that may seem morbid, why hold on if you know she won’t make it?  Because I wanted her to go when she was ready to go, and when God said it was her time.  I know that if we would of done the other option I probably wouldn’t of had to have any c-section’s, or have to have a classical c-section making it where all of my pregnancies I have to always have a c-section.  But that was just a minor bump that I really don’t mind, both of my sections were not bad at all, and I honestly prefer it, it’s not like I have a choice anyway. ;)

           The past 2 years we haven’t mourned too often, but we’ve celebrated Chloe’s life and the blessings that she has sent our way.  I can see her in Brooke every day, and yes I do wonder, would it be this way if Chloe had been fine, but I know that we wouldn’t have Brooke here.  Chloe was sent to us for a reason, and we got to see our guardian angel being born on January 8, 2013.  I know that she has helped watch over us since that day, and helped to send us Brooke. 

Happy Birthday Chloe, we love and miss you very much!

p.s. I wanted to say thank you to our family and friends who have been here for us, we appreciate it more than y’all will  ever know, and seeing/feeling all the love today has def helped me smile.

Brooke def liked releasing the balloons for big sister!

And helping to eat her cupcake!

Many Updates and Pictures!!

I haven’t typed in here in a while and have many updates and pictures I’d like to share with everyone!  As of March 10^th we are going to the Dr every week now, and on the 14^th we went to the new Baby Glance for some 3D/4D sonograms.  Of course Puff did not want to cooperate with us, she had both of her chunky legs up in front of her face, and her arms crossed behind them right in front of her face as well.  We got a few good pictures, but not too many that we could see her face fully, I’ll post some of them below.   

We also went back and saw our high risk Dr on March 18^th, to get his opinion on when we should deliver, for those who don’t know I have a “classical” or vertical cut on my uterus, where as a normal c-section uterine cut goes horizontally.  Because of this every pregnancy I will deliver via c-section and I cannot have contractions due to the increased risk of possible uterine rupture.  He still suggested that we deliver anywhere between 36 wks and 38 wks (the closer to 40 wks I get the increased chance of labor).  We also got a good scan of her, which the sonographer said everything with her looks great, and everything has developed perfectly!  We also got some more 3D sonograms from them, and after trying for some time got some good ones of her chunky little face.  Chris and I agree that she def has my nose and cheeks, and she’s got daddy’s big lips.  According to her measurements at that time I was 32 wks, and she averaged 34 wks, and according to measurements could weigh 5 lbs 7 oz, which puts her in the 95^th percentile for growth.  When we went to see Dr Martinez on the 10^th when I was 31 wks my fundal height (the measurement from the pubic bone to the top of the uterus) measured 34 wks as well.   Which that just means that there is a big possibility she will be a larger baby, and could be around 8 lbs at birth, which I was 7 lbs (not sure how many ounces) and Chris was 6 lbs 11 oz at birth. 

We went back to see Dr Martinez on March 27^th to discuss what Dr. Maher suggested and when we would most likely deliver.   As they both said we would shoot for the middle of 36-38 and go with 37 wks which I am 37 wks on the 19^th, the day after my birthday.  Dr Martinez had said most likely we will deliver on either April 19^th or April 20^th, which I know the 20^th is Easter this year, and it’s also my grandma’s birthday so that would be a pretty cool day for her to be born.  She would share my grandma’s birthday, and she would share Chris’ granny’s name for her middle name (Allie).  We don’t have anything set in stone just yet, but we are going back on April 1^st and I’m guessing we will have the day scheduled for certain by then.

With around 3 wks left, its def getting more surreal that it’s going to be no longer be just Chris and me for the rest of our lives.  We’ve been together for 8 years, going on 9 in June, and its different to think how everything’s going to change, and will be such blessing.  We never really were able to get to have this feeling when pregnant with Chloe due to us just enjoying her pregnancy and here being with us for as long as we could.  And even though I’m nervous and know it’s going to be tough in the beginning this journey we’ve been on, from Chloe’s pregnancy to Puff’s pregnancy, have been such blessings for us, and something that have helped to mold Chris and I for the better.

     

Puff 20 wk sonogram, and 32 wk sonogram, look how chunky she's gotten!! 

 

 Puff at 32 wks, def has her daddy's lips!

 

 31 wks, 3D sonogram from Baby Glance with her arm right in front of her face 

 

 Some of our maternity pictures done by Mari Annelise Photography, 29 wks

 

 

 

Dimples are Angel Kisses

Its hard to think that Brooke was born a month ago, it seems like just yesterday that we were going to the hospital to have her, its also hard to think of a time that she hasn't been here.  She's starting to come into her looks more and more, and it makes me kind of sad at how much she's growing already.  I look forward to her coming into her personality and being able to make her smile and laugh, and as Chris said the day she can say "I love you".  But I still get sad at how fast time goes, she's always going to be my baby, I'm going to miss the times that we just sit on the couch and I just have her laying on my chest all snuggled up.  Thank goodness for pictures!  Speaking of pictures, our friend Mari, who took our reveal and maternity pictures, took some amazing pictures of Brooke when she was a week old, which I'll post some of them at the bottom of this post.

Thankfully Brooke is a very good baby, she sleeps really well, I have to set alarms to get her up to eat.  We've gotten into a pretty good routine now, right after I get up to get her bottle she's usually starting to wake up ready to eat.  She also is really good about falling asleep by herself, and she only really cries when she has gas, getting her diaper or clothes changes, or is hungry.  I know we're going to have some tough days, but right now I'm very thankful for how blessed we've been.
I hate to admit that I've had a few days where I call Brooke Chloe.  It makes me a little sad, but I know its normal, we've only said Chloe's name for over a year.  I think it makes me sad because it makes me wonder if Chloe would of looked like Brooke, and if she would of been like Brooke or had her own little things.  Like Brooke when she's drinking her milk does this little high pitched like swallowing sound, its hard to explain but its the cutest thing ever.  Or if Chloe would have the reddish tint to her hair like Brooke, I know they would of had similarities in looks, but it still makes me wonder.  Both Chloe and Brooke have my nose, Chloe had my eyes, and Brooke has what look like her daddy's eyes, they both have the "Hart toes" as we call them, and Brooke has her daddy's hands/fingers, sadly I can't really remember what Chloe's hands/fingers looked like.

I'm not sure if anyone remembers my post about white butterflies, but few days before we had Brooke I kept seeing a single white butterfly in our yard, and the day we brought her home we saw what I would guess was the same little butterfly.  I like to think its Chloe keeping close to us, we see a white butterfly usually everyday now.  I'm not sure if I put this in our last post but Brooke has 3 dimples, 2 by her mouth, and one in her left cheek, and possibly one in her right cheek.  One of our friends step moms said she always heard that dimples were "angel kisses".  And which that makes sense cause Brooke does have her sister, her pawpaw, and her great granny in heaven.  I ended up googling to see if there was anyone else who have heard that before and I found this blog post that's a really good read, you should check it out:   http://sephoraanangelsjourney.wordpress.com/2013/08/12/the-story-about-the-dimple/
I haven't looked at any of her other posts just yet besides this one, but she is also an Angel Mom with a little girl in heaven, and has rainbow baby who has a dimple in his little cheek.

I'll go ahead and stop my writing here, and post the pictures I was talking about above!