So as everyone probably knows, I have to have another c-section this pregnancy, and every pregnancy here out, due to having a "classical (vertical)" incision on my uterus. I think I'm kind of prepared for it, due to already knowing what to expect but I guess with the pregnancy hormones I'm kind of starting to get nervous about the thought of another c-sec. Chloe's delivery was my first surgery, first IV, and first real stay in a hospital. I remember my blood pressure was high when we went in so it wasn't the easiest for the nurse's to do my IV, and after they couldn't get it the first time I remember telling Chris that I was ready to go home, and that Chloe could just stay in my belly. I was sooo over it, and I'm afraid it'll be that way this time when it comes to the IV, even though I know Chloe's delivery was more then just nerves, we also knew that we weren't going to be able to take our baby home. I know this time that part will be different, but I'm still nervous, and I'm sure Chris is nervous about getting sick in the OR once again. But hopefully he'll actually eat, take a xanex, or something before hand lol. When we saw the high risk dr, he was telling us we will deliver around 37 to 38 wks, which we had known, I can't go into labor on my own, or have any kind of contractions. I guess I'm nervous about all the unknowns of after Puff is born, like when she'll come out we'll actually know, we will hear her cry, see her shortly after she is born, and when she'll go to the nursery, ect... With Chloe we didn't know when she was actually born, and we didn't get to see her until we got back into our recovery room.
On a lighter note, I can already tell this little girl loves her daddy though. Anytime I feel her more I try to put my hand there to see if I can feel it on the outside, and once I do she'll sometime stop moving, but when Chris put his hand on my belly she is all about moving around. I think she may like when I sing too, or at least I hope so, when I sing in the car I can sometimes feel her move around. But it may be her way of saying "hey mom, stop singing!" Lol! My belly buttons starting to poke out more now too, or as Chris say's "the turkey's getting done".
Chris: I really haven't put anything in to this blog until now. I don't know if it was just due to nerves or didn't know how to put anything, but now its time.
Chloe's pregnancy was a smorgasbord of emotions. Everything from pure joy and excitement to pain and agony. I haven't ever felt true hate and anger until the time after her delivery. I was mad all the time, wasn't the happy person that people were accustomed to. I only got more and more angry as the day passed. Knowing our baby wasn't home, knowing that when she got home she would be sitting in a box on a bookshelf. It really pissed me off and I eventually hated myself for thinking that way and acting the way I did. It wasn't until I took a step back and realized I was in a deep depression and was in denial about it. A few months after Chloe's birth Lindsay and I had what came to be known as a 'come to Jesus meeting'. It took me opening my heart and mind to her for me to finally feel like the old self I was, instead of the shell I became. To this day I have mixed emotions. For instance I'll see a dad walking around with his daughter and a piece of me gets green with envy and jealousy. I think 'that should be me.'. Then I realize I have a daughter, that no matter what, is always with me.
The reason I think I got so mad about it all was the fact that I couldn't fix what was going on. Anyone that knows me knows that I can fix damn near anything. If I can't, I'll find someone who can and will be there until it is fixed. Instead I had to let go and let nature take it's course. I couldn't stand sitting there and waiting for a solution (which deep down I knew wasn't coming). I wanted her healthy, I wanted us to be happy, I wanted perfection, but most of all I wanted my daughter here. Unfortunately it didn't happen. I had a decent support system there for me. My mom was still quite sick from a stem cell transplant, so that combined with Chloe was very tough for me to handle. Luckily when family fell through my friends came in. The first night at the hospital my best friend called me and 'kidnapped' me for a little while for dinner (which was the only thing I ate between the c-section and the day we left the hospital). I never really thanked him and let him know just how much that meant to me. For that small amount of time I was free and away from this tragic reality that I was shoved into.
After the 'come to Jesus meeting', our lives completely changed. We finally started to move on a little (still with Chloe at our sides) and started to feel like ourselves again. I look at life a lot different than before, I understand that each moment should be treasured because you just never know. That little girl had a huge impact on me, and still does to this second. I still want to make her proud of her daddy.
Our journey of hope, prayers, and loving our little Chloe
Friday, December 27, 2013
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
20 wks- Gender Reveal!
We went to a high risk dr on Dec 16th and got my 20 wk exam done (I was 19 wks). The dr said everything looks great, all development has taken place, and said this baby appears to be a health child!! We are so extremely happy that we got such great news! The sonographer was also 90-95% sure of gender. We also got to see the baby on a 3D and 4D scan!! I def think Puff's got my nose :).
We went yesterday and took some gender reveal pictures with our friend, Mari, to tell everyone, and guess what!! We've been blessed with another baby GIRL!! We are so extremely happy and could not be more blessed with everything God and Chloe have blessed us with. Last year was such a crazy time, and we had so many downs, along with a few ups, but with Chloe watching over us, she has helped to bless us with so much more then we could ever imagine. I def am continuing to pray that everything goes amazing for us, and that this little girl has a little bit of her big sister in her!!
Friday, November 29, 2013
17 Wks & Wives Tales for Gender Predictions
We are now at 17 wks and 3 days pregnant with Puff, and its been a really good pregnancy. Yes I had horrible morning sickness for about 14 wks, which I never had with Chloe, but its been pretty good considering how nervous I was when we found out we were expecting once again. We've been seeing Martinez about every 2 wks or so now, we started out seeing him about every week, then we switched to go every 2 now, and that's been pretty good, although we did go a week that we were scheduled cause I wanted to make sure everything was alright still. Paranoia hasn't really set in till here recently, and I think that's due to the fact that 16 wks is when we found out there was something wrong with Chloe's brain development. But Puff's movements have been really good in the sonograms, the fluid has been good too, and we can def tell Puff's getting bigger.
I'm finally starting to get a pregnant belly now, and sadly my belly button feels and looks like it may be popping out soon o_O. Everything has def been different this time around, which I feel means a good thing. Chris and I have been looking up gender predictions too, and comparing them to Chloe's pregnancy, I'll list them below with the gender it predicts. Hopefully we'll know soon if Chloe is going to have a little brother or sister!
Tale #1- Linea Nigra- the line on the belly, said if you get a línea nigra and it runs from your pubic area to your belly button only, it’s a girl, and if it goes all the way up from your pubic area to the bottom-most part of you rib cage, then it’s a boy. Well with Chloe I never had it, and with Puff I don't have it, so no point to either gender here.
Tale #2- Carrying high or low? So as the tale goes, if you are carrying low, it’s a boy, or if you’re carrying high it’s a girl. With Chloe I def carried high from the beginning, and so far with Puff its been low. Point for BOY
Tale #3- Baby's Heart Rate?- Say's if the baby's heart rate is 140 bpm or higher its a girl, lower than 140 bpm its a boy. I honestly can't remember what Chloe's heart rate was, and with Puff we haven't gotten the bpm from the Dr's but we've listen at home and got around 142-143. So I'm kind of iffy here since its right off 140, but point for GIRL.
Tale #4- Drano Test- This on involves mixing your urine with tablespoon of Drano, if its a girl its suppose to turn green, and a boy its suppose to turn blue. I've also read that if its a girl there's no change in color, and if its a boy its suppose to get darker. Weird I know, but I have never heard of this until this pregnancy, so I never did it with Chloe, sadly we did try it last night, I think that it was darker, and Chris said he didn't see a change, so I guess point for both BOY and GIRL since we didn't agree.
Tale #5- Skin Dry or Soft? If your skin is dry, you’re said to be having a boy – and if it’s soft, then a girl is on the way. I can't really remember how my skin was with Chloe, with Puff I def can tell it has gotten drier, so point for BOY.
Tale #6- Hair- Has your hair become thinner and dull? Or full-bodied and glossy? Thin and dull says girl, gorgeous and glossy says a boy. I can't remember if my hair was thinner with Chloe, I just remember it would not do anything I wanted it to, with Puff, I've had much more hair fall, but my hair has def been more glossy, and does exactly what I want it to do, so point for BOY I guess.
Tale #7- Weight Gain- If you are carrying extra weight at the front, then you’re having a boy… but if you are carrying extra weight on your bum and hips, then you have been carrying a girl. What about dad-to-be? If he’s gaining weight with you, apparently you’re having a girl. If he’s put on no weight, a boy for you! With Chloe most everyone can agree that my thighs got HUGE, very quickly I may add and people knew I was pregnant way before we told anyone, with Puff, I have thankfully not had the big thighs, or quick weight gain, I think that's why we were able to keep it a secret for much longer than Chloe's pregnancy. Chris' weight I honestly don't think ever really changed with either pregnancy. So point for BOY from my end at least.
Tale #8- Numbers- Okay there's 2 here that I've read about. First one, if you combine your age at the time of conception with the number of the month you conceived and the resulting number is odd – then it’s a girl on the way. If the resulting number is even, then it’s a boy for you. Chloe's number is 30, Puff's number is 32. So point for BOY on this one.
Second tale- they say if you get ur birth month, age, year of conception add it then add the numbers in the total as Odd means boy, Even girl. Chloe's number is 39, Puff's number is 41. Another BOY point here.
Tale #9- Sweet, Salty or Sour?- If your craving sweets, fruit, or juice old wives say that you could be having a girl. But if you’re craving sour or salty foods, then you could be having a boy. It’s also said that if you are having a boy, you will crave protein like meat and dairy. With Chloe I def craved sweet tea, and fruits that I can remember, with Puff from the beginning I wanted bacon, cheese, veggies, and I still can not have anything sweet without feeling sick. Once again point for BOY.
Tale #10- How Do You Look?- As it goes, if you look great during pregnancy, then you are carrying a boy. If you don’t look too flash, you’re having a girl, because she’s stolen all your good looks! Honestly I have no idea how I look for either pregnancy, but I will say I don't think I look that great this time around, so point for GIRL from my point of view.
Tale #11- Do You Have Cold Feet?- If your feet get colder than they used to pre-pregnancy, it’s a sign you have a boy on the way. If your feet are the same, then it’s a girl! I don't remember what my feet were like with Chloe's pregnancy, and Chris say's my feet are always cold now, so point for BOY.
Tale #12- North or South?- When you sleep, is your pillow north or south? If it’s north, then expect a boy, or south means a girl is on the way. I don't really understand this one, but never the less our bed is on the south part of the bedroom, so point for GIRL.
Tale #13- Dreaded Acne- If you get acne during pregnancy, apparently you’re having a girl, and if you don’t, then you’re carrying a boy. I know I had some break outs with Chloe towards the end, and I def have had some with Puff, so point for GIRL.
Tale #14- Sleep on Your Right or Left Side? When you sleep, do you sleep on your left? Because if you do, then it’s a boy for you! On your right, a girl is in sight. I remember sleeping on my right side a lot with Chloe, with Puff its hard to say cause I fall asleep easier on my left, but wake up sometimes on my right, so I guess no point here really.
Tale #15- Hairy Legs?- Has the hair on your legs grown faster than normal? Or has it grown just like normal? Because if it’s growing faster than it did pre-pregnancy, then you’re said to be having a boy. This is horrible that I'm putting this one, but oh well, I remember with Chloe it wasn't until the end that I noticed my legs kind of had gotten hairier lol, and this time I noticed right away that my darn hair was growing way, way fast. So point for BOY.
Tale #16- Ring Test- You take your wedding ring, and tie it to a string and hover it over your belly, if it swings back and forth its a girl, if it goes in a circle its a boy. We did this one last night too, and it was kind of hard to tell what it was doing, at first it went in a circle, and then we tried again and it ended up swinging back and forth, so point for both GIRL and BOY?
Tale #17- Chinese Calendar- I don't know really how it works, but you find a gender calendar and find your age at conception, and month of conception and it will say boy or girl. I remember it said girl for Chloe, and with Puff it says girl. So point for GIRL.
Tale #18- Mayan Prediction- This one you take the age you conceived and the year you conceived, if both are even numbers its a girl, if they are opposites (one odd, one even) then its a boy. Well for Chloe the numbers are 23 & 2012, Puff 24 & 2013. So another BOY point.
Well I got 12 points for BOY and 7 points for GIRL.
I don't know if I really believe all of these, cause as you can see some were true for Chloe and some weren't. But why not have a little fun until we actually find out right? I mean we've got a 50/50 chance of being right! If anyone has any other tales or anything let me know, or let me know what these predicted for you if you've done them!! Chris and I def had fun reading through some of the weird/crazy things that people say predict the gender of your baby!
I'm finally starting to get a pregnant belly now, and sadly my belly button feels and looks like it may be popping out soon o_O. Everything has def been different this time around, which I feel means a good thing. Chris and I have been looking up gender predictions too, and comparing them to Chloe's pregnancy, I'll list them below with the gender it predicts. Hopefully we'll know soon if Chloe is going to have a little brother or sister!
Tale #1- Linea Nigra- the line on the belly, said if you get a línea nigra and it runs from your pubic area to your belly button only, it’s a girl, and if it goes all the way up from your pubic area to the bottom-most part of you rib cage, then it’s a boy. Well with Chloe I never had it, and with Puff I don't have it, so no point to either gender here.
Tale #2- Carrying high or low? So as the tale goes, if you are carrying low, it’s a boy, or if you’re carrying high it’s a girl. With Chloe I def carried high from the beginning, and so far with Puff its been low. Point for BOY
Tale #3- Baby's Heart Rate?- Say's if the baby's heart rate is 140 bpm or higher its a girl, lower than 140 bpm its a boy. I honestly can't remember what Chloe's heart rate was, and with Puff we haven't gotten the bpm from the Dr's but we've listen at home and got around 142-143. So I'm kind of iffy here since its right off 140, but point for GIRL.
Tale #4- Drano Test- This on involves mixing your urine with tablespoon of Drano, if its a girl its suppose to turn green, and a boy its suppose to turn blue. I've also read that if its a girl there's no change in color, and if its a boy its suppose to get darker. Weird I know, but I have never heard of this until this pregnancy, so I never did it with Chloe, sadly we did try it last night, I think that it was darker, and Chris said he didn't see a change, so I guess point for both BOY and GIRL since we didn't agree.
Tale #5- Skin Dry or Soft? If your skin is dry, you’re said to be having a boy – and if it’s soft, then a girl is on the way. I can't really remember how my skin was with Chloe, with Puff I def can tell it has gotten drier, so point for BOY.
Tale #6- Hair- Has your hair become thinner and dull? Or full-bodied and glossy? Thin and dull says girl, gorgeous and glossy says a boy. I can't remember if my hair was thinner with Chloe, I just remember it would not do anything I wanted it to, with Puff, I've had much more hair fall, but my hair has def been more glossy, and does exactly what I want it to do, so point for BOY I guess.
Tale #7- Weight Gain- If you are carrying extra weight at the front, then you’re having a boy… but if you are carrying extra weight on your bum and hips, then you have been carrying a girl. What about dad-to-be? If he’s gaining weight with you, apparently you’re having a girl. If he’s put on no weight, a boy for you! With Chloe most everyone can agree that my thighs got HUGE, very quickly I may add and people knew I was pregnant way before we told anyone, with Puff, I have thankfully not had the big thighs, or quick weight gain, I think that's why we were able to keep it a secret for much longer than Chloe's pregnancy. Chris' weight I honestly don't think ever really changed with either pregnancy. So point for BOY from my end at least.
Tale #8- Numbers- Okay there's 2 here that I've read about. First one, if you combine your age at the time of conception with the number of the month you conceived and the resulting number is odd – then it’s a girl on the way. If the resulting number is even, then it’s a boy for you. Chloe's number is 30, Puff's number is 32. So point for BOY on this one.
Second tale- they say if you get ur birth month, age, year of conception add it then add the numbers in the total as Odd means boy, Even girl. Chloe's number is 39, Puff's number is 41. Another BOY point here.
Tale #9- Sweet, Salty or Sour?- If your craving sweets, fruit, or juice old wives say that you could be having a girl. But if you’re craving sour or salty foods, then you could be having a boy. It’s also said that if you are having a boy, you will crave protein like meat and dairy. With Chloe I def craved sweet tea, and fruits that I can remember, with Puff from the beginning I wanted bacon, cheese, veggies, and I still can not have anything sweet without feeling sick. Once again point for BOY.
Tale #10- How Do You Look?- As it goes, if you look great during pregnancy, then you are carrying a boy. If you don’t look too flash, you’re having a girl, because she’s stolen all your good looks! Honestly I have no idea how I look for either pregnancy, but I will say I don't think I look that great this time around, so point for GIRL from my point of view.
Tale #11- Do You Have Cold Feet?- If your feet get colder than they used to pre-pregnancy, it’s a sign you have a boy on the way. If your feet are the same, then it’s a girl! I don't remember what my feet were like with Chloe's pregnancy, and Chris say's my feet are always cold now, so point for BOY.
Tale #12- North or South?- When you sleep, is your pillow north or south? If it’s north, then expect a boy, or south means a girl is on the way. I don't really understand this one, but never the less our bed is on the south part of the bedroom, so point for GIRL.
Tale #13- Dreaded Acne- If you get acne during pregnancy, apparently you’re having a girl, and if you don’t, then you’re carrying a boy. I know I had some break outs with Chloe towards the end, and I def have had some with Puff, so point for GIRL.
Tale #14- Sleep on Your Right or Left Side? When you sleep, do you sleep on your left? Because if you do, then it’s a boy for you! On your right, a girl is in sight. I remember sleeping on my right side a lot with Chloe, with Puff its hard to say cause I fall asleep easier on my left, but wake up sometimes on my right, so I guess no point here really.
Tale #15- Hairy Legs?- Has the hair on your legs grown faster than normal? Or has it grown just like normal? Because if it’s growing faster than it did pre-pregnancy, then you’re said to be having a boy. This is horrible that I'm putting this one, but oh well, I remember with Chloe it wasn't until the end that I noticed my legs kind of had gotten hairier lol, and this time I noticed right away that my darn hair was growing way, way fast. So point for BOY.
Tale #16- Ring Test- You take your wedding ring, and tie it to a string and hover it over your belly, if it swings back and forth its a girl, if it goes in a circle its a boy. We did this one last night too, and it was kind of hard to tell what it was doing, at first it went in a circle, and then we tried again and it ended up swinging back and forth, so point for both GIRL and BOY?
Tale #17- Chinese Calendar- I don't know really how it works, but you find a gender calendar and find your age at conception, and month of conception and it will say boy or girl. I remember it said girl for Chloe, and with Puff it says girl. So point for GIRL.
Tale #18- Mayan Prediction- This one you take the age you conceived and the year you conceived, if both are even numbers its a girl, if they are opposites (one odd, one even) then its a boy. Well for Chloe the numbers are 23 & 2012, Puff 24 & 2013. So another BOY point.
Well I got 12 points for BOY and 7 points for GIRL.
I don't know if I really believe all of these, cause as you can see some were true for Chloe and some weren't. But why not have a little fun until we actually find out right? I mean we've got a 50/50 chance of being right! If anyone has any other tales or anything let me know, or let me know what these predicted for you if you've done them!! Chris and I def had fun reading through some of the weird/crazy things that people say predict the gender of your baby!
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Keeping this blog/ Update
I had a friend ask if we were going to keep up with this blog, or if we were going to create a new blog for this pregnancy, and honestly I want to keep this blog and just continue to write about our adventures with our rainbow baby, Chloe, and future babies.
Puff's 13 wk sonogram, you can tell Puff's fluid is much different from Chloe's 12 wk sonogram
I am currently 13 wks, and all scans are looking great, we've got to see a lot of Coco Puffs movement, which we didn't get to see Chloe move much. Her movements were more reflexive movements which is common with HPE, were as Puffs seem to be more normal, I guess would be the right way to describe it? I'm finally starting to get more of a pregnant belly now, instead of a "is she pregnant or just gaining weight" belly lol. We're also going to see Martinez every week for now to keep an eye on the fluid since we're always paranoid about it since Chloe's was so low early on, but as he said the fluid looks great, and there's a lot of it. We also discussed going to see the high risk drs for a more extensive exam to check Puff's development, which I don't know when that'll be, I'm guessing around 16 wks, since that's when we found out there was a development problem with Chloe. Another confidence booster with this pregnancy, besides having good feelings has been that Puff has always measured right on with the weeks that I am, were as Chloe always measured around a week behind. I'll post sonograms below of Chloe and of Puff so everyone can see the differences that Chris and I are seeing already as well. I guess I will leave off the blog here, and write more posts later, keep checking back :)!!
Puff's 10 wk sonogram
Chloe's 12 wk sonogram, you can tell her fluid was getting low here
Another of Puff's 13 wk sonogram, the pointer is pointing at toesies
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Praying this is our Rainbow
I remember before we found out with Chloe I had gained weight quickly and people thought I was pregnant right away, and this time that was not the case, my belly is slowly starting to round and stick out more, also I was never really sick in the beginning with Chloe either and now I've had all day morning sickness/nausea, which I've heard is a good thing.
We got to see Dr Martinez at 6 wks and saw our little coco puff and the heart beat, which was amazing since you usually can't see it that early on. We got to hear the heart beat at 7 wks, and again at 8 wks, and Dr Martinez said everything is looking great, which is def comforting and helping with our nervousness. We are set to go back when I am about 11-12 wks and I know some people are wondering if we will be seeing the Dr more, and as he and the nurses kindly told us if we want to come in anytime between appts just to see the baby or anything like that we can def give them a call and they would be more then happy to get us in. Which knowing that is a major comfort and weight lifted off of us. We have also talked about seeing the high risk Drs sometime for a more extensive exam and to check development and everything like that. We don't know when that will be yet, I'm thinking it may be around 16 wks since that is when we found out there was concern with Chloe. Chris and I are def nervous, excited, and all of the other emotions that come along, but we have a sense of comfort, I like to think it's from Chloe and God letting us know everything will be alright.
I also don't want anyone to think we are replacing Chloe, because there is nothing in this world that can EVER replace her, we are simply adding to our amazing family, and giving her a sibling to watch over. We still miss her everyday, and I know that I talk and think of her all the time, and we are so grateful that we had her for the time we did. We are lucky enough to know who one of our guardian angels are, and who will help to watch over our children, along with her pawpaw and great granny.
I guess I will end this post for the moment and I would like to ask everyone to keep our family in your thoughts and prayers please! Also I would like to thank everyone for all of their kind words of excitement and love that we have received, it means so much to me!
 |
| Our announcement picture |
Monday, August 5, 2013
One of those days...
It has been some time since I have posted last, my apologies to anyone who still reads the blog. Things have been busy for us here lately, I am about to start coaching my nieces soccer team once again, please pray the girls will have another fun season. We are also going to Amarillo to see an foot/ankle specialist for Chris' ankles, and hopefully to get him relief from the pain he's experienced basically his whole life. I ask that everyone could help us pray about this as well, and pray that the dr can help Chris and if it comes to surgery that it will all go perfect.
To be honest it has been a couple months since I've had one of those days. Chris and I have been doing really good lately, we've been talking about trying to have another baby, and things have just been going really good all around. But I guess for the past few days things have just hit me, like we realized that its been over a year since we found out we were pregnant with Chloe, and on the 8th she would of been 7 months old. I don't know if its just from all the people announcing they are pregnant, baby showers, or babies being born, it makes me realize all over again that Chloe's not here with us where she should be. I haven't really cried in a few months, and looking back at the other posts I've typed I remember how many tears were behind every single one of them, and it makes me wonder when is it going to stop hurting like this, but it's not going to. I know most don't know how it feels, when I lost my dad it felt like a piece of my heart was ripped away, and when we lost Chloe its like it was all ripped out. No matter how good a day can be going it constantly feels like there is a piece of my heart missing. Some people may think "get over it" but the thing with loosing someone, whether its a child, parent, significant other, family member, friend, whoever, you never "get over it", you simply learn to cope, and even then, this is something that stays with you forever, you don't simply forget. You become stronger because you've went another day without a person you love, but it still hurts. I have a friend who lost her daughter during pregnancy in June and when I heard, my heart broke, it makes me just wonder why, why does this have to happen, and to such good people. I also wanted to say thank you to everyone who still wears Chloe's bracelet, it really means a lot to me when I see someone wearing one, or hear that they wear them, it helps put a smile on my face.
But I digress, I hope everyone has a lovely day today, I plan to make mine better.
Thursday, May 16, 2013
"Still"
"Lost you before we met you, Gone before you came, But we love you just the same. Missed you before we met you, On earth we never can, But in heaven we'll meet again..."
-"Still" by Gerrit Hofsink
I have had this post saved as a draft since May 16th, but I hope that everyone had a wonderful Mother's Day 2013 this year. Being my first Mother's Day, it was very nice, and Christopher and all of our family def helped.
Something that I have noticed here recently is how many other families have lost children, wether its from miscarriage, pregnancy loss, neonatal death, or any other situation. I have friends who have lost children, (I had a friend pass away while in 8th grade, and I've attended a funeral for a friends child), but I guess until you experience something of that magnitude you don't really realize how many others that are out there who have been through a similar situation. I believe I had wrote this in a past entry about how I received many messages and things like that before and after Chloe passed from others who lost a child, and it def comforted us. At the time with everything happening its hard to not think that you are alone in the situation, and to have others reach out it def helps. I guess when you hear someone is pregnant you don't think that something could go wrong, or that something is wrong. You just kind of automatically think that everything is fine, and that baby will be coming around there due date. Something Chris and I heard a lot and still a little now is that people don't know what to say, which I can understand. Yes we are sad about what happened with Chloe, but its okay to ask how we're doing, to talk about her, say sorry for what happened, or anything like that, and I think that's with anyone who's been through loosing someone. Also for me it helps to hear others situations, because it shows that you're not alone, now I can't say that others would want that.
Chris and I have been doing better, we have each other, amazing family and friends, and we know that Chloe is always with us, helping us get though it all. I get asked from time to time if we are going to try again, and for anyone who doesn't know that answer, yes we are. Chris and I have talked about when we would want to, and we both agree that we just want it to happen, and not really plan anything, but I know I'm going to probably try to plan it :). I think maybe in the next few months it may happen, for the simple fact that I had a dream I was pregnant again the other day, and I remember having dreams like that a few months before we found out we were pregnant with Chloe. But if it doesn't happen right away, that's okay, because I know that's what is suppose to be, and that it will happen when the time is right. So for all those out there, just please continue to pray for us, we are def appreciative!
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Hospice Butterfly Release/ Bereaved Mothers Day
As I post in my last entry I was set to speak with a mom, Meredith, whose daughter Lily passed away from HPE as well. We had a very nice talk, and she def helped my confidence for when Chris and I decide to try again.
I was also invited to a lunch and hospice butterfly release by our genetics counselor which was really nice. The lunch consisted of about 5 other couples who had lost a child or children, and we went around and talked about our babies and what they had. One couple was pregnant again after loosing their first child, a daughter 11 months prior who had trisomy 13 I believe, which is a chromosomal issue. I spoke with them and they said she also had HPE but it was due to the T13. The mom had told me her current pregnancy was going well, and that all though it had been a long 9 months, that is was def worth it. Which hearing that helped my mind out as well. Following our lunch we all went to the hospice butterfly release, where Beth, Mallory, Keith, and Zander came over to watch too. They read Chloe's name along with the other children's names, and the other people who had passed aloud to all of the people there. At the butterfly release we ended up with 6 butterflies and 4 balloons. The kids wrote their names on their balloons, Chloe's name, and we wrote "we love you!", once the release started our butterflies didn't leave their cups, and 1 of the monarchs in the boxes flew from the box and landed right on Mallory's leg. Once all the balloons and butterflies were released, the monarch on Mallory still wouldn't fly away, so Beth and I figured there must be something wrong with its wings. A lady who was working with hospice came by and told us it was a girl butterfly, and it must be our loved one since it wouldn't leave. Right before we left we had the kid put it on one of the bushes and right before we walked off the butterfly flew away. Which then Beth and I looked at each other and started wondering why it never flew away before then, we figured it was Chloe just hanging out with us.
I also read I believe on Sunday the 5th that it was international bereaved Mother's Day (I think it's the Sunday before Mother's Day). Which kind of hit home because I haven't really thought this being my Mother's Day. Chris had asked me the other day what I wanted and honestly I don't know. I think any parent who's lost a child just wants that child to physically be there with them. But I also think that moms in situations like ours we just want it acknowledged that we are moms, "Parents aren't determined by the number of kids they have, but the amount of Love they hold in their hearts." For me personally I want people to talk about Chloe as well and use her name, it helps to keep her here with us. It is comforting when we hear or read Chloe's name because it's not that we forgotten about her, because she will never be forgotten, but it's that others are remembering her just like we are.
Balloon and butterfly release
The butterfly that stayed on Mallory's leg
I believe this applies to fathers just as much
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
White butterflies
Here lately when I am kind of down, and thinking about Chloe (to be honest I am always thinking of her), I see these little white butterflies. Whether its when I am walking, or driving somewhere, I always see one or two little butterflies fly by or across my path. It got me to thinking, what does a white butterfly mean, and everywhere I looked said basically the same thing, this is what one website had posted:
White Butterfly meaning: the soul of a child, transformation, purity, truth, growth, change, symbol of the soul, sign of angels watching over you, good luck, sign of a good life.
I don't know about anyone else, but I think about things like that, meanings behind things that I continue to see. (Like at my dads funeral we saw one yellow and black butterfly that flew right in front of all of the family, and that was the only butterfly we saw that day.). After reading that it makes me think that it is Chloe almost letting me know that she's here with us. What do y'all think?
I also came across a website, http://www.lilyjanestationery.com/about who is owned by a mom who lost her daughter, Lily, to HPE, you can read Lily's story and more on the website. In Meredith's blog she talks about her children, she has a boy that is older then Lily, and one that is younger, it gives me hope for our next pregnancy. Meredith and I are set to speak via Skype on Friday, and I'm hoping it will calm my nerves a little more. I know I shouldn't freak out because Chris and I have talked and we know that we don't want to try to get pregnant again for a few more months, but I guess the unknown of the future still is nerve racking. I'm pretty sure though next pregnancy I'm not going to be able to relax until after 16 wks, due to the fact that at 16 wks is when we discovered there was something going on with Chloe. I guess that we are "lucky" in that sense if you will, because most parents don't discover HPE or things of that nature until 20 wks of pregnancy.
On another note Chris and my birthdays are coming up, mine on April 18th, and Chris' on May 31st! For me it sure doesn't feel like its almost my birthday lol I guess that happened after you hit the "big" birthdays like 18 and 21. Well I hope everyone has a good rest of the week and I will def be typing more blogs soon!
White Butterfly meaning: the soul of a child, transformation, purity, truth, growth, change, symbol of the soul, sign of angels watching over you, good luck, sign of a good life.
I don't know about anyone else, but I think about things like that, meanings behind things that I continue to see. (Like at my dads funeral we saw one yellow and black butterfly that flew right in front of all of the family, and that was the only butterfly we saw that day.). After reading that it makes me think that it is Chloe almost letting me know that she's here with us. What do y'all think?
I also came across a website, http://www.lilyjanestationery.com/about who is owned by a mom who lost her daughter, Lily, to HPE, you can read Lily's story and more on the website. In Meredith's blog she talks about her children, she has a boy that is older then Lily, and one that is younger, it gives me hope for our next pregnancy. Meredith and I are set to speak via Skype on Friday, and I'm hoping it will calm my nerves a little more. I know I shouldn't freak out because Chris and I have talked and we know that we don't want to try to get pregnant again for a few more months, but I guess the unknown of the future still is nerve racking. I'm pretty sure though next pregnancy I'm not going to be able to relax until after 16 wks, due to the fact that at 16 wks is when we discovered there was something going on with Chloe. I guess that we are "lucky" in that sense if you will, because most parents don't discover HPE or things of that nature until 20 wks of pregnancy.
On another note Chris and my birthdays are coming up, mine on April 18th, and Chris' on May 31st! For me it sure doesn't feel like its almost my birthday lol I guess that happened after you hit the "big" birthdays like 18 and 21. Well I hope everyone has a good rest of the week and I will def be typing more blogs soon!
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
2 1/2 months
I've been meaning to type up a new blog for a while now, just didn't really know what to type. The past couple months have been trying, some days much better then others. My dad's 4 yr anniversary was on March 6th, which was hard because it's hard to believe its been 4 yrs since he's been gone. Lately I've been replaying how everything with Chloe happened, and it makes me wonder if there was more we could of done. I know the Drs said it was all a "lightening strike", it can happen to anyone, and that we didn't do anything wrong, but it's hard to not think that there was something that I did wrong. I realize how much hope I had that Chloe would of made it to be here with us, even if she would of been special, I had that hope that she would make it. I hear about all these girls having kids, or who already have kids, then you see how they act and how they don't take care about their children at all, and it just makes me wonder why in the world they were even blessed with kids. I know I should think like that, but its hard, I see these people who have health kids, but they speak so nasty to them, go out every single night, and just plain don't care!
Here lately I've kind of had some anxiety about future pregnancies, even though I know that Chris and I aren't going to "try" for a while, I still worry about when that day comes. All of the what-ifs that are all entailed, some days I think "oh yeah I can't wait to get pregnant, and have another baby" but them the majority of days I think "I don't know if I can do it all again. I don't know if I can have another c-section, or risk something else bad happening". I try to be positive, but its difficult, I've spoke with some other women who have been through similar situations, in loosing a child, and they said its normal to feel like this, and that it gets better, but it's hard to see it getting better right now. I guess I've just been in a funky mood due to Chloe's original due date coming up. But my youngest niece did cheer me up the other day, I had picked her up from school, and we were waiting to get her brother when she asked "are you and Chris going to have another baby?" and I told her yes we were but not for a while, and I asked her what she thought we would have, a boy or another girl? Then she told me "I think it'll be another girl and a boy!" lol which made me laugh, cause I've already told Chris we're destined to have 3 children because almost everyone one on our block has had 3 kids, so that means Chloe will more then likely have 2 siblings (maybe 3 o_O lol).
On an ending note for this post, I saw this on pinterest and can relate to it, I wish they had one about Fathers too.
http://stillstandingmag.com/2013/03/the-bereaved-mother-is/
Here lately I've kind of had some anxiety about future pregnancies, even though I know that Chris and I aren't going to "try" for a while, I still worry about when that day comes. All of the what-ifs that are all entailed, some days I think "oh yeah I can't wait to get pregnant, and have another baby" but them the majority of days I think "I don't know if I can do it all again. I don't know if I can have another c-section, or risk something else bad happening". I try to be positive, but its difficult, I've spoke with some other women who have been through similar situations, in loosing a child, and they said its normal to feel like this, and that it gets better, but it's hard to see it getting better right now. I guess I've just been in a funky mood due to Chloe's original due date coming up. But my youngest niece did cheer me up the other day, I had picked her up from school, and we were waiting to get her brother when she asked "are you and Chris going to have another baby?" and I told her yes we were but not for a while, and I asked her what she thought we would have, a boy or another girl? Then she told me "I think it'll be another girl and a boy!" lol which made me laugh, cause I've already told Chris we're destined to have 3 children because almost everyone one on our block has had 3 kids, so that means Chloe will more then likely have 2 siblings (maybe 3 o_O lol).
On an ending note for this post, I saw this on pinterest and can relate to it, I wish they had one about Fathers too.
http://stillstandingmag.com/2013/03/the-bereaved-mother-is/
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
6 wk visit
We went to the Drs yesterday for the 6 wk visit and Dr Martinez said we were doing great, and are role models for others, which is nice to hear! Even though I always say that I'm not that strong, I know that Chris and I are very strong and our love for each other and for Chloe is going to get us through all of this! We know that we gave Chloe the best chance for her to be here with us physically, God just wanted her home sooner then we thought.
I heard something really sweet the other day about my youngest niece Mallory, my sister Mandy had said Mallory's teacher had asked if Chloe had passed because in chapel (she goes to a Christian school) Mallory had said a prayer for Chloe, and said everyday since then she has talked about Chloe. Which I think is so sweet and Mallory said to me "Chloe's Gods baby, she's in heaven with God and Jesus." That just warms my heart, it's so honest and true, and it really shows how pure a child's heart and thoughts are.
As Chris and I were talking yesterday, we were thinking about how many people we have met and who have reached out to us since everything with Chloe happened, and it's really surprised us at how kind others can be. Also how many other families have went through similar situations and have lost a child. It's a very humbling experience to know how many people have been effected or inspired by Chloe's story. Also how great our experience with our Drs have been, I don't think it would of been so easy to get through all of it if it wasn't for Dr Martinez, Dr Fanous and all of their staff. They've all been so great, helpful, and supportive.
Also before I forget, for those who donated for the bracelets, I sent off the donation amount to ABC and we all raised $310. I know some are still donating and once I get those I will be sending off those to them as well! Y'all are amazing!
I also finally got Chloe's foot print and initials tattoo'd by her anchor! Done by Mike at Pachuco Tattoo!
I heard something really sweet the other day about my youngest niece Mallory, my sister Mandy had said Mallory's teacher had asked if Chloe had passed because in chapel (she goes to a Christian school) Mallory had said a prayer for Chloe, and said everyday since then she has talked about Chloe. Which I think is so sweet and Mallory said to me "Chloe's Gods baby, she's in heaven with God and Jesus." That just warms my heart, it's so honest and true, and it really shows how pure a child's heart and thoughts are.
As Chris and I were talking yesterday, we were thinking about how many people we have met and who have reached out to us since everything with Chloe happened, and it's really surprised us at how kind others can be. Also how many other families have went through similar situations and have lost a child. It's a very humbling experience to know how many people have been effected or inspired by Chloe's story. Also how great our experience with our Drs have been, I don't think it would of been so easy to get through all of it if it wasn't for Dr Martinez, Dr Fanous and all of their staff. They've all been so great, helpful, and supportive.
Also before I forget, for those who donated for the bracelets, I sent off the donation amount to ABC and we all raised $310. I know some are still donating and once I get those I will be sending off those to them as well! Y'all are amazing!
I also finally got Chloe's foot print and initials tattoo'd by her anchor! Done by Mike at Pachuco Tattoo!
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Chloe's memorial
As most know Chloe's memorial service was last Thursday, and let me tell you it was so beautiful. I want to thank everyone who was able to come and celebrate Chloe's short time with us, and for everything everyone has done for our family. I will post pictures from the service at the end of the blog for anyone who hasn't seen. Here is a link to her obituary as well: http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/mywesttexas/obituary.aspx?n=chloe-aria-martin&pid=162740595
I'll be honest I was very nervous for the memorial, I just thought that I would just be a mess, but honestly Chris and I did very well, we def cried, but it was a very, very beautiful service. As we were greeting people as they walked in, my friends son came up, gave me a rose, and a little pink hippo, and hugged me, and went and hugged Chris, and I'm sure he knew Chris needed a good hug because he did not let him go. My cousin Kelsey read these 2 poems I had found, which I am so grateful for because I knew I wouldn't of been able to read them that's for sure. My youngest niece, Mallory, decided she wanted to sit with us at the front, and as we walked down to our seats her and I went and put the flowers I had received before the service on the table with the little pink hippo. As Kelsey was reading the poems of course I started to cry, and then I looked to Chris and he was crying too, which made me cry even more! I ended up leaning my head onto his shoulder and he leaned his head onto mine as we were crying, and about that time Mallory looked at us, then leaned over onto me with her head and just sat there. It was so sweet, I guess its true what they say about how kids know when you need that. As the service went on the preacher, Brother Bob, had said even though Chloe wasn't able to physically be here with us, she was a person, not an object, and I believe some people forget that. Chloe was a baby, she was a person, and no matter how small her little feet where she made a huge impact on every ones life. After the service we did the balloon release, and for everyone there, I honest can't remember everything that I had said right before the release, but I want everyone one to know that I meant what was said, and Chris and I are so grateful for all of you who have been with us through this time, and have supported us. I do remember saying if you have a balloon that you'd like to let go, you can, I said that because I didn't want any of the small kids that didn't want to let their balloon go, let it go. But a friend of ours told me after the balloon release that she has never seen so many small children let go of a balloon before, and none of them cry about it. It was awesome and I know my friends son was saying the balloon was for Chloe, so I feel like they all knew their balloon was going to a really great place, and they were for an amazing little girl.
On a side note, for anyone who had a problem for when Chloe's service was, I feel very sorry for you, you missed out on a very beautiful thing, and I am honestly going to pray for you, it saddens me how selfish some are, and how others thoughts can be. As they say, if it is important to you, you will find a way, if it isn't you will find an excuse. Because of that I let it go, and will not worry myself with others. (How does that saying go? No matter what you do someone will always have an opinion on it.)
Also for anyone who hasn't seen, Chris and I will be mailing off the donations to ABC ministry from Chloe's bracelets on Feb 7th. So far everyone who has donated has helped raised $287! I know some people would like to donate, and that is wonderful, just let Chris or I know, and we can get you our address, or ABC's address.
Here's the poems Kelsey read:
You never said goodbye
You were gone before we knew it,
And only God knew why.
A million times we needed you,
A million times we cried.
If love alone could have saved you,
You never would have died.
In life we loved you dearly
In death we love you still
In our heart’s you hold a place,
That nobody could ever fill.
It broke our heart’s to lose you,
But you didn't go alone
For a part of us went with you,
The day God took you home.
I'll be honest I was very nervous for the memorial, I just thought that I would just be a mess, but honestly Chris and I did very well, we def cried, but it was a very, very beautiful service. As we were greeting people as they walked in, my friends son came up, gave me a rose, and a little pink hippo, and hugged me, and went and hugged Chris, and I'm sure he knew Chris needed a good hug because he did not let him go. My cousin Kelsey read these 2 poems I had found, which I am so grateful for because I knew I wouldn't of been able to read them that's for sure. My youngest niece, Mallory, decided she wanted to sit with us at the front, and as we walked down to our seats her and I went and put the flowers I had received before the service on the table with the little pink hippo. As Kelsey was reading the poems of course I started to cry, and then I looked to Chris and he was crying too, which made me cry even more! I ended up leaning my head onto his shoulder and he leaned his head onto mine as we were crying, and about that time Mallory looked at us, then leaned over onto me with her head and just sat there. It was so sweet, I guess its true what they say about how kids know when you need that. As the service went on the preacher, Brother Bob, had said even though Chloe wasn't able to physically be here with us, she was a person, not an object, and I believe some people forget that. Chloe was a baby, she was a person, and no matter how small her little feet where she made a huge impact on every ones life. After the service we did the balloon release, and for everyone there, I honest can't remember everything that I had said right before the release, but I want everyone one to know that I meant what was said, and Chris and I are so grateful for all of you who have been with us through this time, and have supported us. I do remember saying if you have a balloon that you'd like to let go, you can, I said that because I didn't want any of the small kids that didn't want to let their balloon go, let it go. But a friend of ours told me after the balloon release that she has never seen so many small children let go of a balloon before, and none of them cry about it. It was awesome and I know my friends son was saying the balloon was for Chloe, so I feel like they all knew their balloon was going to a really great place, and they were for an amazing little girl.
On a side note, for anyone who had a problem for when Chloe's service was, I feel very sorry for you, you missed out on a very beautiful thing, and I am honestly going to pray for you, it saddens me how selfish some are, and how others thoughts can be. As they say, if it is important to you, you will find a way, if it isn't you will find an excuse. Because of that I let it go, and will not worry myself with others. (How does that saying go? No matter what you do someone will always have an opinion on it.)
Also for anyone who hasn't seen, Chris and I will be mailing off the donations to ABC ministry from Chloe's bracelets on Feb 7th. So far everyone who has donated has helped raised $287! I know some people would like to donate, and that is wonderful, just let Chris or I know, and we can get you our address, or ABC's address.
Here's the poems Kelsey read:
This was a life that hardly begun
no time to find your place in the sun
no time to do all you could have done
but we loved you enough for a lifetime
No time to enjoy the world and its wealth
No time to take life down off the shelf
no time to sing the song of yourself
though you had enough love for a lifetime
Those who live long endure sadness and tears
but you'll never suffer the sorrowing years
no betrayal, no anger
no hatred, no fears
Just love, only love in your lifetime..
no time to find your place in the sun
no time to do all you could have done
but we loved you enough for a lifetime
No time to enjoy the world and its wealth
No time to take life down off the shelf
no time to sing the song of yourself
though you had enough love for a lifetime
Those who live long endure sadness and tears
but you'll never suffer the sorrowing years
no betrayal, no anger
no hatred, no fears
Just love, only love in your lifetime..
_______________________________
You never said you're leavingYou never said goodbye
You were gone before we knew it,
And only God knew why.
A million times we needed you,
A million times we cried.
If love alone could have saved you,
You never would have died.
In life we loved you dearly
In death we love you still
In our heart’s you hold a place,
That nobody could ever fill.
It broke our heart’s to lose you,
But you didn't go alone
For a part of us went with you,
The day God took you home.
Chloe's table, her urn is sitting inside
the flower arrangment.
Oakley giving Chris a hug and not letting go
Balloon release, as we've all said it looks like a heart
Chloe finally home where she belongs
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Little update
I know I haven't posted lately, but here's what's been going on lately. We went in for our 2 wk visit and my incision looks good and is healing nicely. Of course Dr Martinez talked about the possibility of depression, which is completely expected, but he said he doesn't believe that we will. We also talked about next pregnancy, and he let us know if we wanted to try right away we can, and waiting is completely fine too. In this moment Chris and I have both talked about it and we agree that we want to have another baby sooner then later, but as Chris said its when I'm ready.
I also want to thank all the women who have reached out to me and let me know that you have been through losing a child. It helps me realize that we aren't the only ones going through losing a baby, and seeing that y'all have children after your loss gives me hope. As I've told Chris I know in my heart next time will be better, but I can't help but have those "what if's". I know that we will continuously be watching the sonograms to see if we can see any similarities to Chloe's. As we've said I'm pretty sure we should go become sonogram techs because we know almost everything to look for, and looking back on some of the sonograms right before we found out Chloe's condition and you can tell that the fluid was lower.
Some days have gotten easier, and some
nights too, it's def gotten easier to talk about and as I've told friends I don't mind them asking about how things are, or how were feeling. I want others to talk about Chloe and recognize us as parents, cause we are, we just have a child in heaven. We also got our tattoos we wanted to get for Chloe, we both got anchors for her because she is the one who has held us, and has been our rock to pray to and lean on. When I see others who in my opinion could be better parents to their children I tend to think about life because Chloe has shown us what life is really about, and we look at things so differently now. I feel that if any of those people were to be in our shoes they wouldn't be able to get through it as Chris and I have. Our relationship hasn't only gotten stronger, we've both became such strong individuals as well, and I know that we will be able to get through anything, and we will have our Chloe with us every step of the way. We also received our pictures from the hospital, and I have to say they are so amazing, I'll share a few at the end of this post. For those who haven't seem either Chloe's memorial service is going to be Thurs Jan 31st at 6:30 pm at Ellis funeral home. Thank you to everyone who has read the blog and been with us through this trying journey, y'all have helped more then you know, and we are grateful for you all to be in our lives.
I also want to thank all the women who have reached out to me and let me know that you have been through losing a child. It helps me realize that we aren't the only ones going through losing a baby, and seeing that y'all have children after your loss gives me hope. As I've told Chris I know in my heart next time will be better, but I can't help but have those "what if's". I know that we will continuously be watching the sonograms to see if we can see any similarities to Chloe's. As we've said I'm pretty sure we should go become sonogram techs because we know almost everything to look for, and looking back on some of the sonograms right before we found out Chloe's condition and you can tell that the fluid was lower.
Some days have gotten easier, and some
nights too, it's def gotten easier to talk about and as I've told friends I don't mind them asking about how things are, or how were feeling. I want others to talk about Chloe and recognize us as parents, cause we are, we just have a child in heaven. We also got our tattoos we wanted to get for Chloe, we both got anchors for her because she is the one who has held us, and has been our rock to pray to and lean on. When I see others who in my opinion could be better parents to their children I tend to think about life because Chloe has shown us what life is really about, and we look at things so differently now. I feel that if any of those people were to be in our shoes they wouldn't be able to get through it as Chris and I have. Our relationship hasn't only gotten stronger, we've both became such strong individuals as well, and I know that we will be able to get through anything, and we will have our Chloe with us every step of the way. We also received our pictures from the hospital, and I have to say they are so amazing, I'll share a few at the end of this post. For those who haven't seem either Chloe's memorial service is going to be Thurs Jan 31st at 6:30 pm at Ellis funeral home. Thank you to everyone who has read the blog and been with us through this trying journey, y'all have helped more then you know, and we are grateful for you all to be in our lives.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
What is holoprosencephaly?
As many have read our Chloe had holoprosencephaly, in this post I want to share something's from a website in hopes for others to understand holoprosencephaly a little better.
Holoprosencephaly (HPE) is a birth defect that occurs during the first few weeks of intrauterine life. HPE is a disorder in which the fetal brain does not grow forward and divide as it is supposed to during early pregnancy (incomplete cleavage of the embryonic forebrain/failure of the prosencephalon to cleave into the cerebral and lateral hemispheres).
There are 4 different forms of HPE, Chloe had the most severe form of HPE called Alobar Holoprosencephaly. Alobar is where the brain is not divided and there are severe abnormalities (there is an absence of the interhemispheric fissure, a single primitive ventricle, fused thalami, and absent third ventricle, olfactory bulbs and tracts and optic tracts).
It is estimated that HPE affects between 1 in 5,000-10,000 live births. Since many pregnancies with a fetus diagnosed with HPE end in miscarriage, the frequency of HPE among all pregnancies may be as high as 1 in 200-250. Current studies indicate that only 3% of all fetuses with HPE survive to delivery and the vast majority of these infants do not survive past the first six months of life. The prognosis for a child diagnosed with HPE depends on the type of HPE and the presence of associated anomalies. It is said that some children with this are born with abnormalities, or facial deformities But our Chloe didn't have any of that, she was perfect, she had mommy's nose, eyes, and as we say the Hart toes, and Daddy's lips, hands, and long legs.
As all of our Drs have told us, HPE has no known cause, and as parents that is the hardest thing to accept. It has been hard to lose our beautiful daughter, but we know that Chloe was given to us for a reason, and we are always going to love her, and her siblings are always going to know her, and know how beautiful she is.
For anyone who would like to read more on HPE here is the website that we've read and got this information from.
http://www.carterdatabase.org/hpe/about/
Holoprosencephaly (HPE) is a birth defect that occurs during the first few weeks of intrauterine life. HPE is a disorder in which the fetal brain does not grow forward and divide as it is supposed to during early pregnancy (incomplete cleavage of the embryonic forebrain/failure of the prosencephalon to cleave into the cerebral and lateral hemispheres).
There are 4 different forms of HPE, Chloe had the most severe form of HPE called Alobar Holoprosencephaly. Alobar is where the brain is not divided and there are severe abnormalities (there is an absence of the interhemispheric fissure, a single primitive ventricle, fused thalami, and absent third ventricle, olfactory bulbs and tracts and optic tracts).
It is estimated that HPE affects between 1 in 5,000-10,000 live births. Since many pregnancies with a fetus diagnosed with HPE end in miscarriage, the frequency of HPE among all pregnancies may be as high as 1 in 200-250. Current studies indicate that only 3% of all fetuses with HPE survive to delivery and the vast majority of these infants do not survive past the first six months of life. The prognosis for a child diagnosed with HPE depends on the type of HPE and the presence of associated anomalies. It is said that some children with this are born with abnormalities, or facial deformities But our Chloe didn't have any of that, she was perfect, she had mommy's nose, eyes, and as we say the Hart toes, and Daddy's lips, hands, and long legs.
As all of our Drs have told us, HPE has no known cause, and as parents that is the hardest thing to accept. It has been hard to lose our beautiful daughter, but we know that Chloe was given to us for a reason, and we are always going to love her, and her siblings are always going to know her, and know how beautiful she is.
For anyone who would like to read more on HPE here is the website that we've read and got this information from.
http://www.carterdatabase.org/hpe/about/
The silver ribbon is the awareness color for brain disorders.
Saturday, January 12, 2013
So many questions
As the days pass, we miss our Chloe more and more, and wonder why she couldn't physically be here with us. On Friday the 11th we had to go to Ellis funeral home to sign the rest of the papers for her cremation, and that has to be on of the hardest thing that a parents has to do. I've been walking around a lot easier thankfully, mainly just sitting down and getting up are still a little sore but not as bad. Chris has been absolutely amazing with helping me, and just being the amazing person that he is. I keep telling him hes going to bust my staples cause he keeps making jokes and its so hard to laugh, but its nice to laugh and smile when we just want to cry.
I've had a people tell me that they have no idea the feelings that Chris and I are experiencing, and I must say I would never wish it on anyone. Even though we knew she was sick and wouldn't be with us, no amount of preparation could have prepared us for the emotions that came with losing our little girl. I just remember telling Chris that I felt like it was okay for her to go, but I really didn't mean it. I know that her pawpaw, and great grandparents who are in heaven, and God and Jesus are taking care of her, but I want to know that she's okay. As selfish as it is I just want her here with us, I wanted to be able to see her smile, watch her grow up, start a family of her own, just hear her say mommy and daddy, and just be able to hear her say I love you too. As our genetics counselor told us the only thing she ever knew was love, and that's comforting. I know that someday Chris and I will have more children, or as he says twins, and they will know all about their big sister and how beautiful she is, and that she will always be watching over them. I just wish we could see our baby, and just knew why her, why did God choose her to come home so soon? Chloe's days here changed everything, and she is so missed, and loved so so much. I know it'll get better, and I know in my heart Chris and I will get through this, but its so hard.
I've had a people tell me that they have no idea the feelings that Chris and I are experiencing, and I must say I would never wish it on anyone. Even though we knew she was sick and wouldn't be with us, no amount of preparation could have prepared us for the emotions that came with losing our little girl. I just remember telling Chris that I felt like it was okay for her to go, but I really didn't mean it. I know that her pawpaw, and great grandparents who are in heaven, and God and Jesus are taking care of her, but I want to know that she's okay. As selfish as it is I just want her here with us, I wanted to be able to see her smile, watch her grow up, start a family of her own, just hear her say mommy and daddy, and just be able to hear her say I love you too. As our genetics counselor told us the only thing she ever knew was love, and that's comforting. I know that someday Chris and I will have more children, or as he says twins, and they will know all about their big sister and how beautiful she is, and that she will always be watching over them. I just wish we could see our baby, and just knew why her, why did God choose her to come home so soon? Chloe's days here changed everything, and she is so missed, and loved so so much. I know it'll get better, and I know in my heart Chris and I will get through this, but its so hard.
Chloe's birth announcement
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Our guardian Chloe Aria
Chloe Aria Martin
Born: January 8, 2013
Time 8:28 AM
Weight: 10.4 ounces
Length: 10 inches
As we sit here in the hospital room and listen to the rain, I can't help but think how appropriate the weather has been for these past couple days. We came over to the hospital on the 8th at 5:30 to start the process of the c-section. They put us in the L&D room, and I think shortly after 6:30 the nurses started the IV and drew blood and everything which made me even more nervous. It was about 7:45 when they took us back to the OR, did my spinal tap and did the preparation. I believe the surgery started shortly after 8, which it went well, as Dr Fanous said they had to do a classical incision on my uterus (which means it was a cross incision). He came in to speak with us today and let us know that the placenta was indeed covering over my cervix, which the sonograms were showing it was low lying and to the right. So if we tried to dilate and have a natural birth it would of ended in a c-section.
I was wheeled back into our L&D room after the section at about 9:30, and they brought little Chloe in as well. I was kind of out of it at first but came to pretty quick, and Chris looked at Chloe first and held her and was telling me she had my nose, and as we say the Hart toes. A few mins later the nurse came in and brought her for me to hold, and she perfect just how she was. Even though she was so tiny she had long legs like her daddy, his hands, my nose, and as Chris says my squinty eyes. The nurse asked if we had any arrangements made for her yet, and Chris had to unfortunately call the funeral home to set up the cremation and her pick up. As he said that was they hardest phone call he's had to make. We had Chloe in the room with us for I believe 3-4 hrs, and in that time an amazing lady came in and took some very sweet pictures for us, and we received a large memory box from ABC Ministry which came with a small pink hat and matching pink blanket. (We brought her a hat and blanket but sadly the hat was way to large for her and the blanket was to big too.) The memory box has a lot more items in it as well, and the hospital gave us a pillow that has a teddy bear holding a baby angel that says "Even Angels need a place to rest", which our nurse put prints of her tiny feet on and all of her birth information. Shortly after we finished with the pictures a lady came from the funeral home to pick Chloe up which was probably the hardest part of it all, and she was speaking with us about what will be done and gave us a little more time with Chloe. Chris picked her up from the little bed and let me hold her again, we decided to say a little prayer over her and told her how much we loved her, how much she's changed everything for us already, and how we wanted God, her PawPaw and great granny to take great care of her until our time came. Chris held her one more time and let the lady know she could come back on, and helped wrap her in the blankets, we told her we loved her once again and we sadly had to let her go. Chris and I cried for a while and just hugged each other, and as I told Chris "we've got this, we are going to get through this, and Chloe is always going to be with us."
It was about 1:30 when we were taken to our room now. We've gotten a lot of nice flowers and gifts, and thank you to everyone who's sent them or brought them by to us. Also for all of our amazing family and friends who have came to see us, y'all are so nice to make the little trip to Odessa, thank you all again!
My incision pain hasn't been to bad, and Chris actually was able to help me out of the bed several times today and have walked the hallway. When Dr Fanous came to speak with us earlier and said he would be by tomorrow around lunch time and we would most likely be going home shortly after that. We've had very nice nurses helping us, but I think Chris and I are both ready to just be in the comfort of our home and our bed. Chris has been so amazing through all of this, and has been such a great help. We realized when he held Chloe, he held his first actual baby (he's always afraid he's going to break them), but she fit just right in daddy's hands and that sweet look of love on his face, made me even more happy that we found each other.
But I guess I will end this post here and try to get some rest, I will continue to blog if any of you were wondering!
Thank you again to everyone for their kind words and prayers, it's comforting knowing that so many care and have love for Chloe and us!
- Chloe's tiny foot prints with our wedding bands
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)