You would have been 3...

 

Dear Chloe,

 

Today you're 3 years old, where has all of the time gone.  I've been thinking for a while what I wanted to write you on your birthday.  I want it to be perfect.
 

Let me start by saying Happy Birthday Chloe, our beautiful angel!!  We love and miss you!  We think about you often, and when I look at your little sister I wonder how much alike or different you two would be.  I'm thankful you helped to send us Brooke by the way.  I wonder constantly of how much alike you two would look.  I'm sure you'd both get mistaken for each other just like your aunts and I do all the time.
 

I pray your party is beautiful as the angels help to sing you happy birthday.  I bet it's an amazing sight to see.  Be sure to give your PawPaw and Great Granny some extra hugs for us too.  We'll be sending some balloons to you this afternoon that we hope you'll like.  And of course I'll let sister help eat your cupcake. :)
 

They say time heals all wounds, but I think it just softens the pain.  It still hurts and some days are better then most, but it helps to know we have some amazing guardian angels watching over us.  I know you have made us better, stronger, more thoughtful and compassionate; and for that I am forever grateful. I wish everyone could see into the layers of themselves to see more of who they are, but without having to go through the tragedy part.
 

Happy birthday our sweet baby Chloe, we love and miss you!!
 

Love, Mommy, Daddy, and Sister
 

photo credit Pinterest 

photo credit Pinterest 

Happy 2nd Birthday Chloe!!

           2 years ago today, we said hello and good-bye to our angel, Chloe Aria.  As most of you who know us or read this blog know we found out at 16 wks pregnancy that Chloe had a condition called Primitive Alobar Holoprosencephaly (HPE).  Meaning that in her development her brain did not properly develop, all that had developed was her brain stem, and a cranial sack of cerebral spinal fluid.  Now 3+ years ago never would I of thought I would know such big medical terms, how to spell them, or let alone what they actually meant.  I also never would have thought that I would be effected directly by a condition like this, I’ve seen miscarriages in our family and friends, but never pregnancy loss resulting in stillbirth.  Now that being said, some of you may think that Chloe was a miscarriage, but in the medical field she was a stillbirth, if a pregnancy ends after 20 wks it is no longer considered miscarriage, we had her at 27 wks.   

In our state of mind and life now looking back, that was one of the darkest times of our lives, but Chris and I lived it to the fullest and tried to look for the best in all of the situations we were handed.  I believe our faith was tested to the fullest, and we def came out stronger than I thought we would of.  Some people may think, ‘well if you knew she was going to pass away anyway, why go through the pregnancy, and just terminate?’  Well that’s a good questions, that was an option that the Dr’s had gave us. For some people that may be the easy thing for them to do, but as I had told Chris when we were discussing our options, I didn’t want to choose the day that our daughter died.  Now that may seem morbid, why hold on if you know she won’t make it?  Because I wanted her to go when she was ready to go, and when God said it was her time.  I know that if we would of done the other option I probably wouldn’t of had to have any c-section’s, or have to have a classical c-section making it where all of my pregnancies I have to always have a c-section.  But that was just a minor bump that I really don’t mind, both of my sections were not bad at all, and I honestly prefer it, it’s not like I have a choice anyway. ;)

           The past 2 years we haven’t mourned too often, but we’ve celebrated Chloe’s life and the blessings that she has sent our way.  I can see her in Brooke every day, and yes I do wonder, would it be this way if Chloe had been fine, but I know that we wouldn’t have Brooke here.  Chloe was sent to us for a reason, and we got to see our guardian angel being born on January 8, 2013.  I know that she has helped watch over us since that day, and helped to send us Brooke. 

Happy Birthday Chloe, we love and miss you very much!

p.s. I wanted to say thank you to our family and friends who have been here for us, we appreciate it more than y’all will  ever know, and seeing/feeling all the love today has def helped me smile.

Brooke def liked releasing the balloons for big sister!

And helping to eat her cupcake!

Many Updates and Pictures!!

I haven’t typed in here in a while and have many updates and pictures I’d like to share with everyone!  As of March 10^th we are going to the Dr every week now, and on the 14^th we went to the new Baby Glance for some 3D/4D sonograms.  Of course Puff did not want to cooperate with us, she had both of her chunky legs up in front of her face, and her arms crossed behind them right in front of her face as well.  We got a few good pictures, but not too many that we could see her face fully, I’ll post some of them below.   

We also went back and saw our high risk Dr on March 18^th, to get his opinion on when we should deliver, for those who don’t know I have a “classical” or vertical cut on my uterus, where as a normal c-section uterine cut goes horizontally.  Because of this every pregnancy I will deliver via c-section and I cannot have contractions due to the increased risk of possible uterine rupture.  He still suggested that we deliver anywhere between 36 wks and 38 wks (the closer to 40 wks I get the increased chance of labor).  We also got a good scan of her, which the sonographer said everything with her looks great, and everything has developed perfectly!  We also got some more 3D sonograms from them, and after trying for some time got some good ones of her chunky little face.  Chris and I agree that she def has my nose and cheeks, and she’s got daddy’s big lips.  According to her measurements at that time I was 32 wks, and she averaged 34 wks, and according to measurements could weigh 5 lbs 7 oz, which puts her in the 95^th percentile for growth.  When we went to see Dr Martinez on the 10^th when I was 31 wks my fundal height (the measurement from the pubic bone to the top of the uterus) measured 34 wks as well.   Which that just means that there is a big possibility she will be a larger baby, and could be around 8 lbs at birth, which I was 7 lbs (not sure how many ounces) and Chris was 6 lbs 11 oz at birth. 

We went back to see Dr Martinez on March 27^th to discuss what Dr. Maher suggested and when we would most likely deliver.   As they both said we would shoot for the middle of 36-38 and go with 37 wks which I am 37 wks on the 19^th, the day after my birthday.  Dr Martinez had said most likely we will deliver on either April 19^th or April 20^th, which I know the 20^th is Easter this year, and it’s also my grandma’s birthday so that would be a pretty cool day for her to be born.  She would share my grandma’s birthday, and she would share Chris’ granny’s name for her middle name (Allie).  We don’t have anything set in stone just yet, but we are going back on April 1^st and I’m guessing we will have the day scheduled for certain by then.

With around 3 wks left, its def getting more surreal that it’s going to be no longer be just Chris and me for the rest of our lives.  We’ve been together for 8 years, going on 9 in June, and its different to think how everything’s going to change, and will be such blessing.  We never really were able to get to have this feeling when pregnant with Chloe due to us just enjoying her pregnancy and here being with us for as long as we could.  And even though I’m nervous and know it’s going to be tough in the beginning this journey we’ve been on, from Chloe’s pregnancy to Puff’s pregnancy, have been such blessings for us, and something that have helped to mold Chris and I for the better.

     

Puff 20 wk sonogram, and 32 wk sonogram, look how chunky she's gotten!! 

 

 Puff at 32 wks, def has her daddy's lips!

 

 31 wks, 3D sonogram from Baby Glance with her arm right in front of her face 

 

 Some of our maternity pictures done by Mari Annelise Photography, 29 wks

 

 

 

Welcoming Brooke Allie Martin!

Chloe's little sister Brooke made her way into our world on Easter Sunday, April 20, 2014, at 9:47 AM, weighing 7 lbs 9 oz, 19 1/2 in long!  I have to say she is the best blessing and most beautiful little girl ever!  We went in early to the hospital for a scheduled c-section on Sunday, and everything went so great!  I was really nervous leading up to that day, but honestly I was more nervous the Sat before then I was on Sunday.  I remember waking up Sat morning feeling nauseous, and then when Sun came around I woke up excited, and just a tad nervous.  I was really nervous to get another IV, when we went to have Chloe that was one of the worst things that I had experienced in the beginning.  I had never had an IV before that day and they ended up sticking me twice, that with all of our other sad emotions, I remember telling Chris that I was ready to go home, that I couldn't go through a surgery if I could barely get through getting an IV.  Thankfully the nurse who did mine was great, she did have to stick me twice but it didn't bother me as badly as with Chloe's.  It wasn't until I was in the OR getting my spinal tap that my legs started shaking and I thought "holy crap, we are about to meet our daughter".  Chris came into the room with me, even though he was very nervous and didn't know if he really wanted to go into the OR in the beginning of this pregnancy being that he got sick in the room with Chloe's section.  But I will let him type up his point of view, I will say I am so very proud of him

Here's my point of view, the anesthesiologist and I walked into the OR, and I got onto the table while they got everything prepped, and gave me my spinal tap, while they explained to me everything that would be done.  I got laid back onto the table and they finished prepping and got Chris so he could sit with me.  They started before we knew it, and Chris and I just sat there talking with the anesthesiologist, to keep our minds off of the past feelings that we had, about that time she said, "alright daddy she's about to come out, do you want to watch?" Chris had this somewhat timid look and she said "here just look right here" and lowered the curtain just a little (Chris was already eye level with it anyway cause he's so tall).  About that time he sat up a little taller, then he just stood up and watched Brooke being born!  I heard him say "oh look there she is!" So proud and I asked if she was chunky, and had chubby cheeks, and of course he said yes.  Finally we heard her let out her loud cry for the first time. They took her over to the warmer table and I could see the top of her head while Chris looked over her and held her little hand.  She had swallowed a little bit of fluid so the nurse was getting it out, and I heard her cry once again, I told the anesthesiologist that it was very surreal, and happy feeling finally hearing that cry, when we didn't get to hear anything with Chloe's delivery.  It made it all the more real that we finally have our daughter here with us, and what a true blessing from God and Chloe that she is.  Chris came back over and sat next to me and they handed Brooke over to him, and he put her cheek to cheek with me, I was able to kiss her little head and touch her face, and see what a proud daddy Chris was.  The anesthesiologist took some pictures which I was so thankful for.  Finally they were going to take her to the nursery and took Chris with them while they finished getting me back together.  Our Dr came over to me after he was done and told me that I did great, and that Brooke was beautiful and gave me a nice hug.  All the nurses finished cleaning me up and we went back to my recovery room, about 15-20 mins later Chris and Brooke came into the room with me and I finally got to hold her, and I have to say I never wanted to let her go.  She is the most amazing blessing that could of ever happen, and I know that Chloe had so much help in giving her to us.  She is so much more then what we prayed for, and is just absolutely amazing.

Chris:
This pregnancy and delivery were extremely nerve wracking. I remember the week before her delivery the amount of nerves and emotions I was feeling. I was frankly scared to death of what was to come. Sunday morning I took my time getting up, I don't know why, but I felt that if I took my time that maybe I could keep Lindsay pregnant even longer. I didn't want a repeat of how I felt after Chloe's delivery. We arrived at the hospital at 5 in the morning on Easter Sunday, which I quite honestly forgot that there was a 5 a.m., and we got our room pretty fast. After several minutes of nurses in and out, getting all of Lindsay's information, we finally got a few moments alone. We didn't say much, just enjoyed each others company. My parents and sister showed up, at a very punctual, 8 a.m. and by that time my nerves were shot. Seeing Lindsay hooked up to an I.V. in her gown reminded me of the past and it was killing me on the inside. I wanted to be excited, but I didn't know how to be. Her mom and niece showed up soon after my family did and without warning so did our Dr.. Next thing I know a nurse, 'Dee', whisked me away to a very isolated room. She kept telling me congratulations and asking if I was excited, i'm certain I didn't reply at all. Let me explain how I looked that morning, I am wearing typical attire, t-shirt, jeans, running shoes, and hat. I also had 2 phones and a camera in my hand specifically for taking pictures. The room I was lead to was about the size of a public bathroom. There were a few lockers, a bench, a walk-in closet that somehow was transformed into a bathroom, and a set of double doors. In the corner was a toddler-sized organizer. Inside were the faded blue scrubs, in descending order of size. I grabbed my XL scrub top and bottoms along with a hairnet, mouth cover, and booties. After an excruciating 10 minute wait, which felt like an eternity and a half, an O.R. nurse asked if I was ready. That's a funny question, even if you don't feel ready, they are, so it doesn't matter what your answer is. I replied yes because I'm a man, and off I went. I walked in and felt as if I walked into the room naked. Our Dr. and all the nurses turned towards me in unison and just stared at me until I sat down by Lindsay. Lindsay looked beautiful lying there looking at me with her beautiful green eyes and without hesitation I just started talking to the anesthesiologist to help get my mind off of what was going on just beyond the blue curtain of doom. After seemingly a few seconds I could smell the flesh as they started to cauterize her wound open. I remembered that smell vividly and it didn't bother me. As was said here and other posts, I ended up getting sick to my stomach with Chloe's delivery just over a year prior. I never heard the suction of the bodily fluids so I never got curious of where it was going. Before I knew it the anesthesiologist asked if I would like to see her come out of my wife. At that moment I was concerned if I would get the upset stomach or even worse pass out due to lack of blood in my skull. I peeked over the curtain and for no other reason than pure curiosity I stood up. I grabbed the anesthesiologist, just in case I went down I could take someone with me. I looked and saw the inside of my wife's abdomen. I saw this grey-ish  blob with veins all over it, blood, and a number of other red stuff. Next thing I know our Dr. cut the grey blob and all I could see was hair. My heart dropped to my toes along with my mouth. Then a face turned and faced me, the girl that we've waited for for so long was facing me for the first time in her life here on earth. After some wiggling and pulling by the Dr. our blessing was born. They took her to the warmers and cleaned her off real well, wrapped her up, and brought her over to Lindsay and I. We spent a few seconds together before being rushed to the nursery for the newborn check-up. After several minutes in the nursery, with the paparazzi (aka our families) outside the windows, we were taken back to see Lindsay. It wasn't until that moment that I realized two things. One of those things was that I had forgotten about the phones and camera, so I didn't get the pictures I wanted haha, and the other was that I watched my daughter take her first breath, watched her skin meet the outside world for the first time, I witnessed a miracle.

It was a huge change in our life, but we have embraced it with wide open arms and hearts. Every day I fall more in love with what we have created. Every little thing she does warms my heart to extremes that I didn't know were possible. She showed me what the true definition of what a rainbow baby is all about. Just yesterday my best friend told me that for the first time in a long time I looked and seemed happy. I didn't realize that the pain and hurt that I had in my heart and mind were so obvious on the outside. I thought I was hiding it a lot better. Evidently it's not my perception that counts, its that of others. When I held and kissed my daughter for the first time, I felt that unconditional love that I was yearning for since saying my final goodbye to Chloe. Now having Brooke here makes my internal wounds easier to handle. They will never be healed, but she helps us more and more every day.

HPE Awareness Week & Remembering Chloe's Diagnosis

Holoprosencephaly is a big, confusion, hard to say, medical term that in all my years I had never heard until we were pregnant with Chloe.   Holoprosencephaly (HPE, once known as arhinencephaly) is a cephalic disorder in which the prosencephalon (the forebrain of the embryo) fails to develop into two hemispheres.   In some cases it can be a genetically caused disorder, but in Chloe's case, and other babies, as many Dr's put to us "it was a lightening strike of bad luck".  Meaning there's no reason why her brain didn't develop properly, it just happened. 

I remember being angry, confused, and just all around pissed at the world when we found out something was wrong with our Chloe, and it took me a while to come to terms with the fact that our first daughter wouldn't be coming home with us. 

We first thought she had cysts on her brain at 16 wks, and we knew something was wrong, but it wasn't until we were around 18 wks when we saw one of the high risk Dr's that he gave us a more of an idea diagnosis of what Chloe could possibly have.  I remember that day being so mad, I thought we had done everything right.  I recall having to take Chris to work after the appt and just being so hurt, and mad at the world.  Why did something like this happen to us, and to our daughter.  I had been so angry for those 2 wks, that I think it was that afternoon that I was finally done feeling that way.  I remember texting Chris while he was at work and telling him I wanted to give her a name, I was done feeling angry about her condition, and I wanted to do everything we could to make the most of the time we had with her.  Even though we knew we would still have tough days, from that day forward we let it all go and just let God take everything.  Which I know we should of done from the beginning but when your put into a situation like ours, or any tough situation, it hard to just let it all go and not be angry in the beginning.   I think it was that same day that we decided to make this blog, which had def been therapeutic for us, and I pray helpful for others.  We went to Dallas at 20 wks, for the fetal MRI where Dr Twickler had given us the for sure diagnosis that is was HPE, and I remember her asking us what our Dr's thought Chloe could have, and she was very impressed with what information we knew.  She had determined that Chloe's brain didn't develop, or divide, she had a primitive brain, meaning a sack filled with spinal fluid, a little of her brain stem, and cerebellum had developed, but that was it.  All of her movements were reflexive movements due to the brain stem, Chloe didn't know she was making the movements. 

Chris: it, as was said numerous times, was very tough for us. The empty feeling we felt in our chests was just the tip of the iceberg. Also as was said, this blog really helped me realize a couple things. One thing that I have come to realize is that writing takes me to a calm place, a place where I forget my problems as I let it out, a happy place if you will. The other is that I actually enjoy writing now. I've never really had an urge to put my thoughts on paper, or online,  for the world to potentially see.

Recently I decided to remove my Chloe bracelet permanently. It oddly was almost as therapeutic as writing on this is. I wore that bracelet every single day, never took it off, since I put it on. It was me holding on to hope that maybe she would somehow defy reality and come home. I say down, rubbed the bracelet, and laid it around her urn. I'll forever have a piece of her with me and I'm okay with it now. I feel changed, I feel almost human again, I feel almost like I did 2 years ago.

Happy 1st Birthday sweet Chloe!!

Little did we know, a year ago today, it would be our first and last time seeing you, or holding you Chloe.  Even though we have pictures to us remember this day, and all the days before,  we still miss you dearly.  I wonder who you would've been if you could of stayed with us, what you would look like, the things you would like.  I am very thankful for the 27 wks that we got to spend with you, even though there were many rough and trying weeks, I wouldn't trade it for the world.  All though you were little, all of 10 inches long, and weighed 10.4 ounces, we know you had the strongest hearts, and are growing so big in heaven.  You made the largest impact on our lives, and will continue to do so in the lives of your siblings.  I pray that you continue to watch over everyone, and am thankful that you have helped to bless us with another little girl that I know will have a little bit of you in her.  I pray that we make you proud everyday, and know that we love you very much.  Till the day we all meet again.  Happy 1st birthday our sweet Chloe!! Mommy and daddy love and miss you so very much!!

Chris:

In the last blog post I decided to release some of my pent up aggression and after it was all said and done I felt real good. It's weird that posting in something like this would have an affect on me. That being said I have decided that it would be in my best interest to keep doing so. 

I'll start off with some sad notes, but will end it the best way I know how. 

I'm sorry Chloe that I couldn't fix what was going on. I was powerless in this and I often feel like I let you down. I know you're up there with Great Granny and PawPaw hanging out and watching over our entire family. 

I was being selfish after you passed away, I kept thinking 'I lost my daughter, why my daughter?, why me?'. I couldn't help it. That day I lost a huge piece of me and I was devastated about it. It wasn't until I was talking to my best friend that I realized how selfish I had become. He had gone through a very rough patch which still haunts him to this day. (which is completely understandable) I couldn't imagine the pain of losing a parent suddenly. I remember looking at him and telling him 'it wasn't just you that lost someone, your dad lost someone, your sister lost someone, everyone she ever came in contact lost a special person.' It wasn't until after I said that, that I realized Chloe wasn't just Lindsay and my baby. It was my mom and dads first grandbaby, my sisters first niece, my mother-in-laws 8th grandbaby, and a new niece/cousin for the litter. 

Another thing that we talked about was the fact that as the 'rule' states, is that you are supposed to bury your parents, not your children. I've heard that saying in the past, but never did I ever think it would apply to me. I know that at some point I will have to bury my mom and dad (God willing, not for many many years from now), but never did I think I would ever have to attend a memorial service for my offspring. 

I remember at the memorial service, the sheer amount of people that showed up. For a little girl, who never graced this earth with her presence, to have a flock of people show up was amazing. For the first time during this whole situation I finally felt and saw what true love and friendship was all about. None of the people that showed up had to, yet they did out of the kindness in their heart. Two nurses from our doctor in Odessa even made the trip which I would've never anticipated. It was great seeing the balloons hit the sky in that iconic heart shape. It was almost like a final goodbye and 'I love you' from that sweet angel in the sky. 

On a lighter note now. This pregnancy has been extremely fun and adventurous to say the least. Everything from the stereotypical morning sickness to the fact that she can't handle chicken cause it's slippery (which for some unknown reason makes her gag) is hilarious. This pregnancy (just like with Chloe) has brought us a lot closer together and our love for each other is greater than I could of ever imagined. Our relationships with our friends also seems stronger as well. It's crazy what a death and pregnancy can do to people. 

I personally wanted to say a big Thank You to anyone that reads this and to everyone that has been a part of our lives, whether it was from the beginning or not. Our friends really helped us through a very rough patch in our lives and there is no way we could ever repay that debt. 

'Let go and let God'

Happy Birthday baby girl! I love you!!

Keeping this blog/ Update

I had a friend ask if we were going to keep up with this blog, or if we were going to create a new blog for this pregnancy, and honestly I want to keep this blog and just continue to write about our adventures with our rainbow baby, Chloe, and future babies.

I am currently 13 wks, and all scans are looking great, we've got to see a lot of Coco Puffs movement, which we didn't get to see Chloe move much.  Her movements were more reflexive movements which is common with HPE, were as Puffs seem to be more normal, I guess would be the right way to describe it?  I'm finally starting to get more of a pregnant belly now, instead of a "is she pregnant or just gaining weight" belly lol. We're also going to see Martinez every week for now to keep an eye on the fluid since we're always paranoid about it since Chloe's was so low early on, but as he said the fluid looks great, and there's a lot of it.  We also discussed going to see the high risk drs for a more extensive exam to check Puff's development, which I don't know when that'll be, I'm guessing around 16 wks, since that's when we found out there was a development problem with Chloe.  Another confidence booster with this pregnancy, besides having good feelings has been that Puff has always measured right on with the weeks that I am, were as Chloe always measured around a week behind.  I'll post sonograms below of Chloe and of Puff so everyone can see the differences that Chris and I are seeing  already as well.  I guess I will leave off the blog here, and write more posts later, keep checking back :)!!

Puff's 10 wk sonogram 

Chloe's 12 wk sonogram, you can tell her fluid was getting low here 

Puff's 13 wk sonogram, you can tell Puff's fluid is much different from Chloe's 12 wk sonogram

Another of Puff's 13 wk sonogram, the pointer is pointing at toesies 

One of those days...

It has been some time since I have posted last, my apologies to anyone who still reads the blog.  Things have been busy for us here lately, I am about to start coaching my nieces soccer team once again, please pray the girls will have another fun season.  We are also going to Amarillo to see an foot/ankle specialist for Chris' ankles, and hopefully to get him relief from the pain he's experienced basically his whole life.  I ask that everyone could help us pray about this as well, and pray that the dr can help Chris and if it comes to surgery that it will all go perfect.  

To be honest it has been a couple months since I've had one of those days.  Chris and I have been doing really good lately, we've been talking about trying to have another baby, and things have just been going really good all around.   But I guess for the past few days things have just hit me, like we realized that its been over a year since we found out we were pregnant with Chloe, and on the 8th she would of been 7 months old.  I don't know if its just from all the people announcing they are pregnant, baby showers, or babies being born, it makes me realize all over again that Chloe's not here with us where she should be.  I haven't really cried in a few months, and looking back at the other posts I've typed  I remember how many tears were behind every single one of them, and it makes me wonder when is it going to stop hurting like this, but it's not going to.  I know most don't know how it feels, when I lost my dad it felt like a piece of my heart was ripped away, and when we lost Chloe its like it was all ripped out.  No matter how good a day can be going it constantly feels like there is a piece of my heart missing.  Some people may think "get over it" but the thing with loosing someone, whether its a child, parent, significant other, family member, friend, whoever, you never "get over it", you simply learn to cope, and even then, this is something that stays with you forever, you don't simply forget.  You become stronger because you've went another day without a person you love, but it still hurts.  I have a friend who lost her daughter during pregnancy in June and when I heard, my heart broke, it makes me just wonder why, why does this have to happen, and to such good people.  I also wanted to say thank you to everyone who still wears Chloe's bracelet, it really means a lot to me when I see someone wearing one, or hear that they wear them, it helps put a smile on my face. 

 

But I digress, I hope everyone has a lovely day today, I plan to make mine better. 

"Still"

"Lost you before we met you, Gone before you came, But we love you just the same.  Missed you before we met you, On earth we never can, But in heaven we'll meet again..."

-"Still" by Gerrit Hofsink

I have had this post saved as a draft since May 16th, but I hope that everyone had a wonderful Mother's Day 2013 this year.  Being my first Mother's Day, it was very nice, and Christopher and all of our family def helped. 

Something that I have noticed here recently is how many other families have lost children, wether its from miscarriage, pregnancy loss, neonatal death, or any other situation.  I have friends who have lost children, (I had a friend pass away while in 8th grade, and I've attended a funeral for a friends child), but I guess until you experience something of that magnitude you don't really realize how many others that are out there who have been through a similar situation.  I believe I had wrote this in a past entry about how I received many messages and things like that before and after Chloe passed from others who lost a child, and it def comforted us.  At the time with everything happening its hard to not think that you are alone in the situation, and to have others reach out it def helps.  I guess when you hear someone is pregnant you don't think that something could go wrong, or that something is wrong.  You just kind of automatically think that everything is fine, and that baby will be coming around there due date.  Something Chris and I heard a lot and still a little now is that people don't know what to say, which I can understand.  Yes we are sad about what happened with Chloe, but its okay to ask how we're doing, to talk about her, say sorry for what happened, or anything like that, and I think that's with anyone who's been through loosing someone.  Also for me it helps to hear others situations, because it shows that you're not alone, now I can't say that others would want that.

Chris and I have been doing better, we have each other, amazing family and friends, and we know that Chloe is always with us, helping us get though it all.  I get asked from time to time if we are going to try again, and for anyone who doesn't know that answer, yes we are.  Chris and I have talked about when we would want to, and we both agree that we just want it to happen, and not really plan anything, but I know I'm going to probably try to plan it :).  I think maybe in the next few months it may happen, for the simple fact that I had a dream I was pregnant again the other day, and I remember having dreams like that a few months before we found out we were pregnant with Chloe.  But if it doesn't happen right away, that's okay, because I know that's what is suppose to be, and that it will happen when the time is right.  So for all those out there, just please continue to pray for us, we are def appreciative! 

Hospice Butterfly Release/ Bereaved Mothers Day

As I post in my last entry I was set to speak with a mom, Meredith, whose daughter Lily passed away from HPE as well.  We had a very nice talk, and she def helped my confidence for when Chris and I decide to try again.

I was also invited to a lunch and hospice butterfly release by our genetics counselor which was really nice.  The lunch consisted of about 5 other couples who had lost a child or children, and we went around and talked about our babies and what they had.  One couple was pregnant again after loosing their first child, a daughter 11 months prior who had trisomy 13 I believe, which is a chromosomal issue.  I spoke with them and they said she also had HPE but it was due to the T13.  The mom had told me her current pregnancy was going well, and that all though it had been a long 9 months, that is was def worth it.  Which hearing that helped my mind out as well.  Following our lunch we all went to the hospice butterfly release, where Beth, Mallory, Keith, and Zander came over to watch too.  They read Chloe's name along with the other children's names, and the other people who had passed aloud to all of the people there.  At the butterfly release we ended up with 6 butterflies and 4 balloons.  The kids wrote their names on their balloons, Chloe's name, and we wrote "we love you!", once the release started our butterflies didn't leave their cups, and 1 of the monarchs in the boxes flew from the box and landed right on Mallory's leg.    Once all the balloons and butterflies were released, the monarch on Mallory still wouldn't fly away, so Beth and I figured there must be something wrong with its wings.  A lady who was working with hospice came by and told us it was a girl butterfly, and it must be our loved one since it wouldn't leave.  Right before we left we had the kid put it on one of the bushes and right before we walked off the butterfly flew away.  Which then Beth and I looked at each other and started wondering why it never flew away before then, we figured it was Chloe just hanging out with us. 

I also read I believe on Sunday the 5th that it was international bereaved Mother's Day (I think it's the Sunday before Mother's Day).  Which kind of hit home because I haven't really thought this being my Mother's Day.  Chris had asked me the other day what I wanted and honestly I don't know.  I think any parent who's lost a child just wants that child to physically be there with them.  But I also think that moms in situations like ours we just want it acknowledged that we are moms, "Parents aren't determined by the number of kids they have, but the amount of Love they hold in their hearts."  For me personally I want people to talk about Chloe as well and use her name, it helps to keep her here with us.  It is comforting when we hear or read Chloe's name because it's not that we forgotten about her, because she will never be forgotten, but it's that others are remembering her just like we are.  

         Balloon and butterfly release 

 The butterfly that stayed on Mallory's leg

I believe this applies to fathers just as much 

White butterflies

Here lately when I am kind of down, and thinking about Chloe (to be honest I am always thinking of her), I see these little white butterflies. Whether its when I am walking, or driving somewhere, I always see one or two little butterflies fly by or across my path. It got me to thinking, what does a white butterfly mean, and everywhere I looked said basically the same thing, this is what one website had posted:

White Butterfly meaning: the soul of a child, transformation, purity, truth, growth, change, symbol of the soul, sign of angels watching over you, good luck, sign of a good life.

I don't know about anyone else, but I think about things like that, meanings behind things that I continue to see. (Like at my dads funeral we saw one yellow and black butterfly that flew right in front of all of the family, and that was the only butterfly we saw that day.). After reading that it makes me think that it is Chloe almost letting me know that she's here with us. What do y'all think?

I also came across a website, http://www.lilyjanestationery.com/about who is owned by a mom who lost her daughter, Lily, to HPE, you can read Lily's story and more on the website. In Meredith's blog she talks about her children, she has a boy that is older then Lily, and one that is younger, it gives me hope for our next pregnancy. Meredith and I are set to speak via Skype on Friday, and I'm hoping it will calm my nerves a little more. I know I shouldn't freak out because Chris and I have talked and we know that we don't want to try to get pregnant again for a few more months, but I guess the unknown of the future still is nerve racking. I'm pretty sure though next pregnancy I'm not going to be able to relax until after 16 wks, due to the fact that at 16 wks is when we discovered there was something going on with Chloe. I guess that we are "lucky" in that sense if you will, because most parents don't discover HPE or things of that nature until 20 wks of pregnancy.

On another note Chris and my birthdays are coming up, mine on April 18th, and Chris' on May 31st! For me it sure doesn't feel like its almost my birthday lol I guess that happened after you hit the "big" birthdays like 18 and 21. Well I hope everyone has a good rest of the week and I will def be typing more blogs soon!

2 1/2 months

I've been meaning to type up a new blog for a while now, just didn't really know what to type. The past couple months have been trying, some days much better then others. My dad's 4 yr anniversary was on March 6th, which was hard because it's hard to believe its been 4 yrs since he's been gone. Lately I've been replaying how everything with Chloe happened, and it makes me wonder if there was more we could of done. I know the Drs said it was all a "lightening strike", it can happen to anyone, and that we didn't do anything wrong, but it's hard to not think that there was something that I did wrong. I realize how much hope I had that Chloe would of made it to be here with us, even if she would of been special, I had that hope that she would make it. I hear about all these girls having kids, or who already have kids, then you see how they act and how they don't take care about their children at all, and it just makes me wonder why in the world they were even blessed with kids. I know I should think like that, but its hard, I see these people who have health kids, but they speak so nasty to them, go out every single night, and just plain don't care!

Here lately I've kind of had some anxiety about future pregnancies, even though I know that Chris and I aren't going to "try" for a while, I still worry about when that day comes. All of the what-ifs that are all entailed, some days I think "oh yeah I can't wait to get pregnant, and have another baby" but them the majority of days I think "I don't know if I can do it all again. I don't know if I can have another c-section, or risk something else bad happening". I try to be positive, but its difficult, I've spoke with some other women who have been through similar situations, in loosing a child, and they said its normal to feel like this, and that it gets better, but it's hard to see it getting better right now. I guess I've just been in a funky mood due to Chloe's original due date coming up. But my youngest niece did cheer me up the other day, I had picked her up from school, and we were waiting to get her brother when she asked "are you and Chris going to have another baby?" and I told her yes we were but not for a while, and I asked her what she thought we would have, a boy or another girl? Then she told me "I think it'll be another girl and a boy!" lol which made me laugh, cause I've already told Chris we're destined to have 3 children because almost everyone one on our block has had 3 kids, so that means Chloe will more then likely have 2 siblings (maybe 3 o_O lol).

On an ending note for this post, I saw this on pinterest and can relate to it, I wish they had one about Fathers too.

http://stillstandingmag.com/2013/03/the-bereaved-mother-is/

6 wk visit

We went to the Drs yesterday for the 6 wk visit and Dr Martinez said we were doing great, and are role models for others, which is nice to hear! Even though I always say that I'm not that strong, I know that Chris and I are very strong and our love for each other and for Chloe is going to get us through all of this! We know that we gave Chloe the best chance for her to be here with us physically, God just wanted her home sooner then we thought.

I heard something really sweet the other day about my youngest niece Mallory, my sister Mandy had said Mallory's teacher had asked if Chloe had passed because in chapel (she goes to a Christian school) Mallory had said a prayer for Chloe, and said everyday since then she has talked about Chloe. Which I think is so sweet and Mallory said to me "Chloe's Gods baby, she's in heaven with God and Jesus." That just warms my heart, it's so honest and true, and it really shows how pure a child's heart and thoughts are.

As Chris and I were talking yesterday, we were thinking about how many people we have met and who have reached out to us since everything with Chloe happened, and it's really surprised us at how kind others can be. Also how many other families have went through similar situations and have lost a child. It's a very humbling experience to know how many people have been effected or inspired by Chloe's story. Also how great our experience with our Drs have been, I don't think it would of been so easy to get through all of it if it wasn't for Dr Martinez, Dr Fanous and all of their staff. They've all been so great, helpful, and supportive.

Also before I forget, for those who donated for the bracelets, I sent off the donation amount to ABC and we all raised $310. I know some are still donating and once I get those I will be sending off those to them as well! Y'all are amazing!

I also finally got Chloe's foot print and initials tattoo'd by her anchor! Done by Mike at Pachuco Tattoo!

Chloe's memorial

As most know Chloe's memorial service was last Thursday, and let me tell you it was so beautiful.  I want to thank everyone who was able to come and celebrate Chloe's short time with us, and for everything everyone has done for our family.  I will post pictures from the service at the end of the blog for anyone who hasn't seen. Here is a link to her obituary as well: http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/mywesttexas/obituary.aspx?n=chloe-aria-martin&pid=162740595

I'll be honest I was very nervous for the memorial, I just thought that I would just be a mess, but honestly Chris and I did very well, we def cried, but it was a very, very beautiful service. As we were greeting people as they walked in, my friends son came up, gave me a rose, and a little pink hippo, and hugged me, and went and hugged Chris, and I'm sure he knew Chris needed a good hug because he did not let him go. My cousin Kelsey read these 2 poems I had found, which I am so grateful for because I knew I wouldn't of been able to read them that's for sure. My youngest niece, Mallory, decided she wanted to sit with us at the front, and as we walked down to our seats her and I went and put the flowers I had received before the service on the table with the little pink hippo. As Kelsey was reading the poems of course I started to cry, and then I looked to Chris and he was crying too, which made me cry even more! I ended up leaning my head onto his shoulder and he leaned his head onto mine as we were crying, and about that time Mallory looked at us, then leaned over onto me with her head and just sat there. It was so sweet, I guess its true what they say about how kids know when you need that. As the service went on the preacher, Brother Bob, had said even though Chloe wasn't able to physically be here with us, she was a person, not an object, and I believe some people forget that.  Chloe was a baby, she was a person, and no matter how small her little feet where she made a huge impact on every ones life. After the service we did the balloon release, and for everyone there, I honest can't remember everything that I had said right before the release, but I want everyone one to know that I meant what was said, and Chris and I are so grateful for all of you who have been with us through this time, and have supported us. I do remember saying if you have a balloon that you'd like to let go, you can, I said that because I didn't want any of the small kids that didn't want to let their balloon go, let it go. But a friend of ours told me after the balloon release that she has never seen so many small children let go of a balloon before, and none of them cry about it. It was awesome and I know my friends son was saying the balloon was for Chloe, so I feel like they all knew their balloon was going to a really great place, and they were for an amazing little girl.

On a side note, for anyone who had a problem for when Chloe's service was, I feel very sorry for you, you missed out on a very beautiful thing, and I am honestly going to pray for you, it saddens me how selfish some are, and how others thoughts can be. As they say, if it is important to you, you will find a way, if it isn't you will find an excuse. Because of that I let it go, and will not worry myself with others. (How does that saying go? No matter what you do someone will always have an opinion on it.)

Also for anyone who hasn't seen, Chris and I will be mailing off the donations to ABC ministry from Chloe's bracelets on Feb 7th. So far everyone who has donated has helped raised $287! I know some people would like to donate, and that is wonderful, just let Chris or I know, and we can get you our address, or ABC's address.

Here's the poems Kelsey read:

This was a life that hardly begun
no time to find your place in the sun
no time to do all you could have done
but we loved you enough for a lifetime

No time to enjoy the world and its wealth
No time to take life down off the shelf
no time to sing the song of yourself
though you had enough love for a lifetime

Those who live long endure sadness and tears
but you'll never suffer the sorrowing years
no betrayal, no anger
no hatred, no fears
Just love, only love in your lifetime..

_______________________________

­­­­­­You never said you're leaving
You never said goodbye
You were gone before we knew it,
And only God knew why.
A million times we needed you,
A million times we cried.
If love alone could have saved you,
You never would have died.
In life we loved you dearly
In death we love you still
In our heart’s you hold a place,
That nobody could ever fill.
It broke our heart’s to lose you,
But you didn't go alone
For a part of us went with you,
The day God took you home.

Chloe's table, her urn is sitting inside

the flower arrangment.

Oakley giving Chris a hug and not letting go

 

Balloon release, as we've all said it looks like a heart

Chloe finally home where she belongs

Little update

I know I haven't posted lately, but here's what's been going on lately. We went in for our 2 wk visit and my incision looks good and is healing nicely. Of course Dr Martinez talked about the possibility of depression, which is completely expected, but he said he doesn't believe that we will. We also talked about next pregnancy, and he let us know if we wanted to try right away we can, and waiting is completely fine too. In this moment Chris and I have both talked about it and we agree that we want to have another baby sooner then later, but as Chris said its when I'm ready.

I also want to thank all the women who have reached out to me and let me know that you have been through losing a child. It helps me realize that we aren't the only ones going through losing a baby, and seeing that y'all have children after your loss gives me hope. As I've told Chris I know in my heart next time will be better, but I can't help but have those "what if's". I know that we will continuously be watching the sonograms to see if we can see any similarities to Chloe's. As we've said I'm pretty sure we should go become sonogram techs because we know almost everything to look for, and looking back on some of the sonograms right before we found out Chloe's condition and you can tell that the fluid was lower.

Some days have gotten easier, and some
nights too, it's def gotten easier to talk about and as I've told friends I don't mind them asking about how things are, or how were feeling. I want others to talk about Chloe and recognize us as parents, cause we are, we just have a child in heaven. We also got our tattoos we wanted to get for Chloe, we both got anchors for her because she is the one who has held us, and has been our rock to pray to and lean on. When I see others who in my opinion could be better parents to their children I tend to think about life because Chloe has shown us what life is really about, and we look at things so differently now. I feel that if any of those people were to be in our shoes they wouldn't be able to get through it as Chris and I have. Our relationship hasn't only gotten stronger, we've both became such strong individuals as well, and I know that we will be able to get through anything, and we will have our Chloe with us every step of the way. We also received our pictures from the hospital, and I have to say they are so amazing, I'll share a few at the end of this post. For those who haven't seem either Chloe's memorial service is going to be Thurs Jan 31st at 6:30 pm at Ellis funeral home. Thank you to everyone who has read the blog and been with us through this trying journey, y'all have helped more then you know, and we are grateful for you all to be in our lives.