Latest dr visits

Sorry I haven't updated everyone on how our Drs appts have went lately, with Christmas it's been crazy busy for us. 

We went to the Dr on the 18th, and Chloe's heart is still beating. Which to be honest was a surprise due to how extremely low her fluid is, but it was bittersweet to hear it. On the sonograms it's hard to seem much of her besides her head due to the low fluid. I received a call from one of the nurses letting me know Dr Martinez wanted to see us on Friday the 21st due to the long weekend and just discuss something's with us. We went in that morning and he let us know during Chloe's delivery for my safety we will have to do a c-section. He had let us know he had spoke with some fellow

Drs who have dealt with babies who pass and informed him that once Chloe passes there is a chance that my body could release a toxin called DIC (Disseminated intravascular coagulation) which will cause my blood to not clot. The possibility of the toxin and my placenta previa causing me to possibly bleed would not be good for my safety. We had an idea from the beginning that we would have to have a c-section due to the placenta previa, and the holoprosencephaly causing Chloe's head to be larger. It sucks to know that I will have to have a surgery and not be able to bring home our daughter, but knowing that it is what is safest makes it better. As Chris and I have said c-sec are so common nowadays it's really not something to worry about having. We will go back to see him in the afternoon of the 27th, I'll be sure to give an update much sooner that our visit. 

Tiny 6 month belly

A little update

I'm sure some of y'all have wondered where I've been since we've been to a couple Dr's visits since my last post.  Sorry for not posting sooner and keeping everyone up to date on things so far, I had finals for my classes, which I thankfully passed!

Okay so we went to the high risk Dr's on Dec 6th, which it was pretty much over everything we already knew from the MRI and her condition, we are starting to only see Dr. Martinez once again since there isn't much the other Dr's can do now that we know what exactly Chloe's condition is.  We also saw Dr. Martinez on Dec 6th and the 10th, and the amniotic fluid is extremely low, I believe they said it was in the 1/3 percentile for what it should be, and of course in the sonograms we can tell that there isn't much fluid there.  We also talked to Dr. Martinez about what will happen next which was very hard.  With the fluid being as low as it is, he bluntly let us know that he didn't believe she would be with us much longer, and he would be surprised if she made it to Christmas.  We and Dr. Martinez all agreed that we didn't want to do anything until Chloe's heart stopped beating, which feels right in my heart to do, as much as I don't want her to be in pain anymore I can't come to having her before she's ready to let go.  Unfortunately with my placenta previa and Chloe's holoprosencephaly when she passes away the delivery as he said will be a little tricky.  They wouldn't be able to induce me like they would anyone else because her head isn't as hard as any other baby, and the placenta previa, it could cause bleeding, and there would be a possibility that I could start to bleed out, causing a c-section to be done.  Honestly I'm not nervous about having a c-sec if it came to that, but as Dr. Martinez had said he wants to prevent it if possibly due to the fact that I would have one and not have a baby to take home afterwards.  We'll go back to see Martinez tomorrow the 18th to check Chloe's heart, and of course go from there.

I also have to say that I'm very saddened to read about the shooting in Connecticut, on my facebook I've seen the pictures going around of the poor children who passed away due to that senseless act, and it really breaks my heart.  I can't fully imagine what it feels like to loose a child like that, I guess no one ever really does.

Sometimes, when the sun goes down,
It seems it will never rise again,
but it will!
Sometimes, when you feel alone,
It seems your heart will break in two,
but it won't.
And sometimes, it seems,
It's hardly worthwhile carrying on,
But it is.
For sometimes, when the sun goes down,
It seems it will never rise again,
But it does.

- Frank Brown

Some thoughts and music

Let me start off by saying thank you to everyone who continues to pray for us, and thinks about us and Chloe, they help to know that so many people already care so much for her.  Also we got to see a picture of her angel bear that ABC Ministry's had done for us, and let me say it is so beautiful, we'll receive her tomorrow at our Drs visit, and I am very excited to see her in person. 

I picked up my baby niece yesterday from school, and on the way to my moms house (Nana) she asked me something that was so innocent and with this sweet concerned face, she said "Gomo why is the baby going to heaven?"  To be honest I wasn't expecting a question like that, I went on to tell her that "Chloe had a boo-boo on her brain, and she's sick.  But it'll be okay cause she'll be in heaven with PawPaw, and God, and Jesus, and she'll be watching over us."  Of course only being 5 I'm not sure if she completely understands it all, but her asking that kind of made me realize just how much Chloe's situation is effecting everyone.  I knew it would, but I guess before that question I never realized how much.  One of my nephews started hugging me lately and saying "when is that baby going to get here?" and I just tell him it'll be a while, but it'll be alright.  And today my oldest niece asked how Chloe was doing, and being 9 I was able to explain to her a little easier that Chloe's sick, I think she can understand it a little better due to the fact that she can remember when my dad, their PawPaw, passed away.

I knew all of this would effect everyone in our families, and our friends, but you never really know till something like that happens.  (Chloe is Chris' family's first grandbaby, and will be my family's 8th grandbaby.)  I also heard from a friend at work that shared the poem from my last poem with her friend who lost twins, and told me that it helped her out, and hearing that it helps me know that us having this blog is a good thing not only for us, but its helping others too.  I know most may never experience anything like this personally, but if it helps them to just hug their kids a little tighter, or anything like that, I feel like Chloe's time with us would of helped so many others.

As I said in the last post music is a big thing for me to express the emotions that we are experiencing, and I'd like to share some very good songs with everyone, maybe y'all can check them out, and maybe they'll help you with something too!  (I'll post a link to the song on youtube as well.)

1 "Gone to Soon"- Daughtry     This song I feel explains how we feel right now, and some of the lyrics just seem to speak to me.  One part says "Would you have been president?
Or a painter, a author or sing like your mother" and if you know me you know that I love to paint, and a little known fact about Chris is he loves to write, and can write about anything. Also "what would you look like? would you have my smile and her eyes?" which really makes me think of Chris' dream the other night when he saw Chloe.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YvpoYxwI08M

2 "If You Could See Me Now"- Jeff Bates   Whats unique about this song is he wrote a song that my dad heard a little before he passed away and liked and we played it at his funeral, and Bates is my dad's mom (my grandma) maiden name.  This song is very sweet too, and just talks about from a child who passed point of view and how they are okay, and happy in heaven.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yyzsggy3uuE

3 "I Will Carry You"- Selah   This song is very sweet and the singer wrote this song because when she was pregnant with her 4th daughter they knew was going to pass away shortly after her birth, and is def a look into how they feel.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pxZhEcTzn6Q

4 "My Name"- George Canyon  This music video is sad, and really tells the story of the song, a couple are having their baby and she passes away, but they never knew what they were having, and even though we know we are having a little girl, it is def a sweet song, and video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FbUWw1SKc8Q


Before I end this post, I also wanted to share this poem I found for Chris, and for really any dad out there who's lost a child, and really makes you remember they are losing something too:

 It must be very difficult

To be a man in grief,
Since "men don't cry"
and "men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.

It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test,
And field the calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.

They always ask if she's all right
And what she's going through.
But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, but how are you?"

He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break.
He dries her tears and comforts her,
But "stays strong" for her sake.

It must be very difficult
To start each day anew.
And try to be so very brave-
He lost his baby too.

-Eileen Knight Hagemeister

Chloe's Angel bear by ABC Ministry's

Long day

Today has been a long day; it seems like a lot longer than past days.  I really can’t believe this year is almost over, 2012 seemed to by so fast, but I have a feeling it might slow down with our Drs appts coming up.  We’ll see both Dr Martinez, and Dr Blanco’s offices on Thursday the 6^th.  I also wanted to let everyone know thank you for being here and the prayers for us, it means a lot to us.  That being said I know that in pregnancies its usually all about the mom to be, but please don’t forget that Chris is here with me and going through all of this too, its effecting him just the same as its effecting me, though he can hold it together better than I can some days.  I appreciate when I receive texts from friends, or FB messages or posts, so please don’t leave him out, he needs the support just like I do, whether he wants to admit it or not.  I know sometimes the dad gets left out because it’s the mom who’s going through the physical changes, but dad’s go through them too, and Chris has been right by my side for everything physical and emotional.  I’m just saying this because Chris and I are both Chloe’s parents, and we’re both going through all of the same emotions no matter what way we show them.

I thought I’d also share Chris’ dream that he had the other night.  He was having a rough day, and finally got to sleep, and he told me he had a dream about Chloe.  Said he was walking outside and got to a really bright street light, he heard a little girl ask if his name was Chris Martin, he turned around to see a tall little girl maybe about 8 years old that had my eyes and nose, and his lips and blonde hair.  He told her yes he was Chris, then she told him ‘Dad everything’s going to be okay… I’m okay daddy.’  Of course hearing this made me sad, because it makes me wonder if our Chloe is already in heaven with her PawPaw and God.  Things have gotten easier with everything, but it still hurts to hear so much bad news every time we go to the Dr it seems.  I know things from here are going to get harder sadly, but I just wish our Chloe was going to be able to be here with us, and be our healthy little girl.  We still talk and sing to her everyday which is comforting, but I’m not feeling her move as much, which I think is due to the fact of her legs being in the straight locked position that Dr Twickler saw on the MRI. 

I found this song shortly after we got the news that Chloe only had a brainstem, we were getting food at Subway and playing through the speakers was the song “Need You Now (How Many Time)” by Plumb.  I’ve never heard it before, and it took me some time to find the actual song, but thankfully Chris found it for me, here’s a link to it on youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bKEtqaGgfXo  Music has always been a big help for me , and today while in my mood I’ve found quit a few songs that I really like.  As Chris says I always seem to find that one song that fits perfectly for a situation we are in.  Chris and I have also said that we want to get tattoos for Chloe too, if you don’t know us that well we are definitely no strangers to getting tattoos. 

I know for sure we are going to be ordering the silicone bracelets soon; I just need to make sure I like how they’ll look.  If you’d like one please let me know, I was thinking of ordering about  40-50 adult bracelets, and maybe 15-20 child bracelets, so let me know if you’re interested that way I can be sure to have enough ordered.  Also as I’ve said in a previous post we’ll be taking donations for anyone who would like to donate, and I believe we will be sending it to the ABC Ministries in Midkiff, Tx they are the ones who are making Chloe’s bear for us, but once we know for sure I will let everyone know so you’ll know what the donation is helping with. Also here is ABC Ministry’s FB for anyone who would like to “like” their page: https://www.facebook.com/pages/ABC-Ministry/124500517666500#!/pages/ABC-Ministry-Angel-Baby-Creations/253972787989018?fref=ts

Also a poem Chris found that I thought was touching:
What Makes a Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes.
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a mother and
I know I heard him say,

A mother has a baby.
This we know is true.
But God, can you be a mother
when your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can, He replied
with confidence in His voice.
I give many women babies.
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime
and others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb
but there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this. God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared His throat
and then I saw a tear.

I wish I could show you
what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
with other children and say,

"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of life and love and fear.
My Mommy loved me, Oh so much,
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom
who had so much love for me,
I learned my lesson very quickly.
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy, Oh so much,
but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
on her pillow's where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
and whisper in her ear,
'Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here.'"

So you see, my dear sweet one,
your children are okay.
Your babies are here in My home,
They'll be at heavens gate waiting for you.

They'll wait for you with Me
until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home,
they'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother-
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not realize you are a Mother,
until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day,
and know you're the best one.

~Jennifer Wasik

MRI results

As some may have seen on Chris or my Facebook, our Chloe has "severe atypical primitive holoprosencephaly" which is similar to hydranencephaly which we originally thought it could be. But we remember that Jamie the genetic counselor said it could be holoprosencephaly. 

Dr. Twickler was very nice and helpful, she showed us the MRI images and gave us a cd of them as well, as she had shown on an image Chloe's brain didn't form properly like we thought, and it appears that there is just primitive tissue in her skull that has fluid in it, and at the back possibly some cerebellum tissue as well. She stated what we had an idea of in that Chloe may not make it to deliver, or be able to live much after birth. She actually said what Dr Bruner said when she described this happening as a lighting strike. She let us know that for future pregnancies there is a very low chance of it happening again, unfortunately there's no cure, or reason why this happens and as she said there was nothing we did to cause this. She also said the images appear that Chloe's limbs are already being effected by this because her legs are in a locked and curved position and don't appear to be moving much. Her legs are like that because there's not very many impulses from the brain stem to make them move, and unfortunately all of her movements are just reflexive movements, Chloe's not aware of anything she's doing as it's been put. 

It's hard to still hear bad news, but we knew there was a very high chance we wouldn't receive good news. I think as Dr Martinez put it if you tell a woman what could happen she'll know what to do. We'll go back to our high risk Drs on Dec 6th to discuss the MRI results and I guess where we'll go from here, we'll also see Dr Martinez some time this week as well. I'll be sure to post another blog once we see them as well. Thank you to everyone's nice words and prayers we really appreciate all of them! 

Nervous

We go to the MRI appt tomorrow at UT Southwestern Medical Center in Dallas, and needless to say today has def been nerve racking.  From what we understand we will know exactly what Chloe has, and possible information for future pregnancies.  We're def praying and hoping for the best, but we are prepared for anything at this point.  Once we know what is going on I will be doing another post and explain it all the best I can of what we find out.  We'll go back to see Dr. Martinez once we're back, and see Dr. Blanco on Dec 6th, I'm guessing to just discuss everything that we will learn, I'm kind of hoping we will receive Chloe's bear then (once we do receive it I will post a picture).  Wish us luck, and please keep praying, they def help us, and mean the world to us.  Much love to everyone!

Anxious

Well I haven't posted in a few weeks, and figured I should post. These past few weeks/month have been pretty hectic and surreal for us, and has def been draining. Its hard to believe that Thanksgiving is already 3 days away, it seems like November just started, but then again we have been anticipating Drs visits to get here also.

Speaking of Drs, we will fly out on Wed the 28th, have the MRI on the 29th, then fly home on the 30th. From what Jamie has said once the MRI is done we will speak with Dr Diane Twickler (shes the one doing the MRI) and she will tell us everything that it shows. Chris and I were thinking that once we know what is going on with Chloe, we are going to get some silicone bracelets made with her name on them. Once we know for sure I'll let everyone know if anyone would like one, we might also do them for donations, and send all the proceeds to either the ABC Ministries (who is making her bear) or to a foundation of the disorder she has (like Hydranencephaly if it's that). I feel like one of the harder parts of our situation is that we've been so excited to see Chloe and have her in our lives for the past 5 months, and now we know that there is a huge possibility that she won't be here physically with us. We're already so attached to her, and love her it's hard to think that she is going to be our guardian angel one day. 

Also I just wanted everyone to know that they can talk to Chris or I, it's gotten much easier to speak about everything, sometime I know I get choked up at some points, but what we're trying to let everyone know is that we're not made of glass. I know I may of came off a little rude in the last post, but don't let that stop you from texting us, or asking a sincere question when you see us. 

MRI/ rant

Sorry I haven't posted sooner, I've been trying to get some work for school done before we go to Dallas.  Jamie actually called on Monday the 5th and let us know that Chloe's MRI is set up for Nov 29th at the UT Southwestern Medical Center hospital.  There we'll have the MRI done and Dr. Diane Twickler, who is a renown fetal MRI Dr will tend to us, and read us the results shortly after its done.  This will be able to give us a clear diagnosis of what our little Chloe has, and possible tell us more for the future, and future pregnancies as well.  We'll see Dr. Martinez once we're back into town, and then we will see Dr. Blanco, Jamie, and their staff on Dec 6th. Until then keep praying for our Chloe, and our strength to get through whatever life has in store for us, and for understanding.

On a side note I need to get some frustration towards some people who seem to "not understand" whats going on.  First the chromosome test and infection test both came back fine, which is great because we know whatever may of happened in Chloe's development was not genetic, or an infection.  That being said just because those test came back fine did not mean that our Chloe was alright, we still knew that the sonograms were showing a problem, which I had told everyone when we got the news on the tests being fine.  Also yes I understand that the Dr's got her gender wrong, but that did not change that fact that we still knew the sonograms were showing a problem with her brain.  Secondly if you don't understand what something means in a text Chris or I send to you, do me a favor and don't question what we've told you, if we knew what caused Chloe's problem we would tell you!  But unfortunately we are all in the dark about what caused what we believe her brain not to develop properly, as the Dr's said, and as I had stated to many people, and on this blog, THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT CAUSES THIS.  Obviously our Chloe was to beautiful to come into this world, and if only our love and prayers could make her healthy, she would.  It may sound a little harsh how I am putting some of this, but some need to understand that there was a problem from when Chloe started to develop that was out of our control, and Chris and I understand that there is a very high chance that she won't be able to physically be here with us.  We still pray for her everyday, and we love her unconditionally, but we know that we have to prepare ourselves for the day that she becomes our guardian angel.  These past few weeks have been mentally, and physically draining for us, and I could never imagine us ever going through this, but sadly we are.  I know some of you have an attachment if you will to Chloe already, but before you go talking and asking us questions, imagine how it would feel if you were in this situation with your child, I'm sure you would be just as frustrated when someone does that.  Now not saying that all of the questions that have been asked to us have frustrated us, because they haven't, just the occasional one that has been explained, and its almost like those people are just hearing what they want to hear.   This will always be with us no matter the outcome, and I know we will be awesome parents, whether it's in 5 months, or some time from now.  I know in my heart that all this happened for a reason, what that is we don't know yet, but I know that we will always going to love Chloe with all of our hearts no matter what, and this situation is going to make Chris and I stronger people. 

We appreciate everyone's love and nice words, and prayers that we have received, y'all will never know how much they all truly mean to us.  When I get those texts from dear friends that say "I just wanted to see how you are doing", or the ones that say "if Chris and you need anything let us know", and the ones that simply say "I'm sorry, and we're praying for you" help tremendously and you will never know how grateful I am to all of our amazing friends for those.  I may of sounded rude or harsh in this blog post, but I needed to say how I've been feeling, some people know how it feels to be in a situation like this, and when they message me, or text me and say that they can relate to all of the emotions that we've had, it is comforting knowing that what we are feeling isn't bad.  So thank you to everyone who has been here for us through this difficult time, we appreciate and are thankful for you all.  And don't let this stop you from texting me or asking questions about things, just some need to think before they text certain things.

Chloe Aria

Well the Dr was wrong on the sonogram about the gender of our baby, the chromosome test came back and we are actually having a little girl, her name is Chloe Aria. Chloe means 'blooming' and Aria means 'melody', so if you think about it she is our blooming melody.  Honestly I love our child no matter if we were having a Lucas or a Chloe!

On to the news we received today, we saw Dr Bruener, who works in the same office with Blanco, and today we discovered our Chloe's brain did not develop and she only has a brain stem, and the Dr's have no idea how much longer she will live. If she lives till birth, and is born she could be a still born, or if she is alive she will not be able to do anything and be in a permanent vegetative state, and there is a high chance she will not make it past a month of life. They believe she has a condition called 'Hydranencephaly' which is a rare condition that effects about 1 in 200,000 births in the U.S. or there's a possibility she has another rare condition called 'Holoprosencephaly' which effects about 1 in 5,000-10,000 births. Both conditions are very similar, and just with the sonograms they are unable to be 100% sure what is going on.  We are going to be sent to Dallas for a fetal MRI to give us a better diagnosis of what she has within the next couple of weeks. Sadly there is no known cure, or reason why this happens, or what causes it, as the Dr said this is like a 'lighting strike'.  Also our chromosome tests all came back fine, and also the infection test all came back negative, which was a plus of the visit.  The genetic counselor spoke with us as well, and she was very helpful, she told us about a perinatal hospice care that is available, and also gave us some website with support groups of families who have went through this, she also informed us of an organization called ABC Ministry (Angel Baby Creations Ministry in Midkiff and St Lawrence, TX) who takes a recording of the baby's heart beat, puts it into a teddy bear, and monograms the baby's name on the front in a heart.  We decided to go ahead and do the recording and send off for a bear, because I know that there is a chance that we could go to any one of these visits and not be able to hear our Chloe's heart beat again.

It's been a long day, and hearing more bad news hurts, but I believe Chris and I are in a better place to hear it all and take it in this time, because sadly its not that much of a shock for bad news this time around.  We understand that we may be delivering our little Angel much sooner then we thought, and that is tough to comprehend, but we both understand that she will be in heaven watching over us, and her future siblings, and she'll get to meet her PawPaw, her many great grandparent's, and many other relatives that are in heaven as well, which helps.  We won't go back to the Dr's until Dec 6th, which hopefully by then we will have already been to Dallas for the MRI and have the results.

Good news

The genetics counselor Jamie called me while I was at work today and said that she had some good news for us. They got my chromosomal test results back earlier then thought and she thought we could use the good news. Said the chromosomes all came back fine! Even though we aren't in the full clear yet, we know that our baby doesn't have anything genetic. Now we will go on with more test of course so we can try to determine what could be going on, but it has def been good to hear good news since what we've got lately has been not been the best! Please everyone keep praying for us and our amazingly strong child, we appreciate them all!

Radio/ Dr's visit

So you know how sometimes you can be in a certain mood and when you get in your car and start listening to the radio the song that's playing seems like it fits how you feel?  Well that's happened to me for a few days, the day after we got the news about Lucas, I was still kind of down and thinking about the worst and when I had gotten into my car the country song "live like you were dying" was playing and was towards the end, then Brad Paisley's song "If he's anything like me" song about his son came on the radio, and I kinda thought to myself "Geeze these both kinda fit our situation. Then on Sat I was driving to my soccer teams last game and was kinda down again and the song "anything could happen" by Elli Goldenberg(?) was playing, (the only reason why I know the name and artist is thanks to Sirius having the info button) and I wasn't paying much attention cause I had never heard it till then, and when I finally started listening to the song it was on the part that says "I know its gonna be alright".  So then I was really like "Okay God I get that I don't need to be worrying anymore its just hard". I could of been a coincidence that all those songs where playing when I was feeling down, or maybe someone was really trying to tell me something, I like to think that God was talking to me through the songs.

Chris and I went yesterday to see Dr Martinez, and it went better then we had thought, I was scared it would be more bad news, but Dr. Martinez was just wanting to see how we were doing, and how we are understanding everything, which was nice. He just explained to us that our situation could go one of 2 ways, either a good way, or sadly a bad way. As he said he wasn't trying to tell us this to be rude, he's experienced in his years of being a Dr that if you tell a woman the worst that could happen, they know what to do and came handle it better if that time were to come. Which I understand, and I believe Chris and I are in a much better place now then we were, and I know with each other, God with us, and our amazing family and friends by our sides, no matter what happens we will be able to make it through anything. Also as Chris had put on his facebook, if anyone needs a Dr we highly recommend Dr Martinez, yes he is in Odessa, but he is an amazing person, and doesn't talk to you like a patient, he talks to peer to peer, yes he uses the large medical terms, but he follows then up with ways that a person could understand them. You may know how some Dr's seem to just be doing their job, but he doesn't make you feel that way, and I can tell that he genuinely cares for us, and is very sad for our situation and for having to give us bad news, and that helps us to cope better as well.

We go back to the Dr's on the 5th, we'll go in the morning to speak with the genetics counselor, and another Dr in Dr Blanco's office for a sonogram, and then in the afternoon to see Dr Martinez once again.  We appreciate everyones prayers, and kind thought, I don't know where we would be with out them.

Some news

Well while at work I got a call from my original Dr, Dr Martinez's office, and his nurse said that he wants to see us at least once a week.  I talked to a friend who went to Dr Blanco (the high risk Dr) and she said that she went to her original Dr and Dr Blanco each week as well. So it looks like we will be going to see them and hopefully get more results/news and hopefully know more of what we can do each week. We are going tomorrow to see Dr Martinez, and then we will go back to Dr Blanco's office on Nov 5th to meet with the genetics counselor and see one of his colleague Dr's that work there as well. We should be receiving the results from the past 2 blood tests that they did at the end of last week at this appt too. (The chromosomal test on trisomy 18 and trisomy 21, and infection test.) 

Day's have been getting better, as I said in the entry from earlier it gets difficult to be positive with the unknown, but I know that its not health for Lucas for me to worry about the things that I can't change. We have many friends who have been very kind to check on us, and make sure we are doing alright, which Chris and I are very thankful for. A friend from work also found a website with moms who see to of went through similar things as us, if anyone would like to check it out and maybe be able to get a better understanding for what we are experiencing here it is:
http://parents.berkeley.edu/advice/pregnancy/choroidplexuscyst.html

If anyone else knows someone who's went through this, or similar tests or anything please let us know, we are open to any advice or help that can be offered in figuring out how to make Lucas all better.

Confusion

Woke up this morning not in the best of moods, I really wish the 5th was here.  It gets hard to stay positive at times cause of the unknown, I think that's always the hardest part of anything in life is the unknown.  I've read a few quotes one of my favorite right now is, "Worrying won't change the situation," or something like.  I'm just hoping for a better outcome in the end of all this.

Scarier times

On Wed Oct 24th I was leaving my moms house to head to work, when I noticed some more blood after going to the restroom, and this time was not like the first time, this blood was fairly bright red, and there was much more then before. Thankfully Chris was off work, I finally got a hold of the Dr's office, and since Dr. Martinez wasn't in yet, they scheduled us to see the sonogram tech. We got in and got to see the baby moving and kicking, and got to hear his strong heart beat once again, so we knew he was still okay in there, just didn't know what was going on.  We had to go back that afternoon to see Dr. Martinez, when we got there he had asked me if I could have broken my water, which I of course said 'no?' probably with a very confused look. He then went on to tell us that the amniotic fluid was very low, and the baby's movements this morning were abnormal. Also that the sonogram tech saw some cysts on the Lucas' brain, and that we needed to start seeing a high risk pregnancy Dr. There really wasn't much that he could do for us, but they could help us out a lot more, and have better equipment. So when we left, we felt horrible, how could there be cysts on our baby's brain, and how could they not help us, it just all seemed surreal.  I got a call a little while later from his nurse saying she got us in with Dr. Blanco on the 25th at 2.  After we got back into Midland Chris and I went to my moms house, and just hung out with all of my niece's and nephew's, which really helped clear my mind of any negative thoughts.

The next day I went to work to try to clear my mind, and the ladies that I work with helped me with that, and helped me with all the bad thoughts that were running through my head. After what seemed like an eternity 2 came around, and thankfully Chris' bosses let him take off for the appt so he could be with us. We started out the visit with the nurse doing another sonogram, and that's when she said she thinks that she saw something poking out between the baby's legs, later we found out indeed we were blessed with a little boy. We got to hear his strong heart beat once again, and saw him moving around.  When the Dr finally came in he started another sonogram to look at everything and then started to speak with us.  He started by saying it wasn't easy to say this but our baby was very sick, and the cysts in the brain are very large.  He proceeded to show us where they were on the sonogram of the head, and started to ask us some questions.  I was 16 wks 4 days at the time, but our little Lucas was only measuring 14 wks 4 days, and his amniotic fluid was very low. Dr Blanco had asked if may be I could of had an infection, or ran a fever any time which I hadn't.  He went on to explain that there could be many things that could of happened, from chromosome's not splitting properly, to me having an infection, a possible blood clot, or even in some rare case the baby could of had a stroke. This left me feeling very sad, and confused. I just remember him saying that there could be major brain damage, and he was afraid that there may be nothing that they could do, and that our baby might not make it. He said we would take it all one at a time, and he wanted to start with getting a blood draw from me to test the chromosomes and the possibility for an infection, and we would go back to see his colleague and the genetic counselor and be able to get more informed of what may happen.

After we left Chris had to go back to work, and I think we were both numb to all of the news that was given to us. I was so angry, sad, and confused, it hurt to know that our son may not be here for us to hold and love. I heard the saying God only puts you through what you can handle, but I wanted to know why he thought that we could handle something like this? I didn't feel as strong as I'm sure he knows that I am.  And I got angry thinking of all the women out there who don't care about their pregnancies and they have healthy children, and the women who have healthy kids but they don't give a damn about them, they just go out and never have a care in the world! Why did this happen to us? I thought we were doing everything right, only to be smacked in the face with such horrible news, I know we would be the best parents we could be, and now there was a possibility that we wouldn't get that chance, and it wasn't fair. 

Later that night while Chris was at work, I decided that I wanted our son to have a name, and I wanted that name to have meaning, so I searched for names and came across a few, and when Chris got home from work we both agreed on the name Lucas, which means bringer of the light.  We also chose his middle name to be Owen which means little warrior. No matter what was going to happen our son would have a name and he would know how much he is already loved by his parents. Chris and I both agreed that we would talk to him everyday, and Chris would still kiss him every morning and night. On the 26th Chris had to go to work around 5 am, and much to me I woke up around 4 not in a good mood. Chris had woken up, and I sat there and cried to him and told him how I was feeling and that I was tired of feeling that way that I just wanted our son to be healthy and not have all this negative news.  After Chris left for work I stayed up looking at pinterest when I came across a quote about God. It was then that I decided that I needed to have a talk with him. I started by talking to Lucas and telling him that mommy and daddy needed him to fight and get better, and how much we loved him already. Then I talked to God and asked him for understanding in this time and for strength and courage to get us all through this.  I was handing all of the problems that I had over to him, and I wanted him to know that we needed him. After I prayed and spoke with Lucas, I had what seemed like a major weight lifted off my heart and shoulders. I had decided that I was done with the negative attitude, and worrying about what could be, if something bad was going to happen it would happen in Gods time, and we would get through it when that time came, until then we would celebrate Lucas and this beautiful miracle of pregnancy, take it all one day at a time, and know that we will have done all that we can. When I got to work all of the ladies and Dr Watson were very supportive and helped me stay positive and give me good reinforcement, and prayed over Lucas. Chris, Lucas, and I had received very many nice thoughts and prayers from everyone on FB, and I was receiving many texts from dear friends who helped.  I have never felt so much love, and am so appreciative for all of it. When I got to work all of the ladies and Dr Watson were very supportive and helped me stay positive and give me good reinforcement, and prayed over Lucas.

We go back to the Dr on Nov 5th to speak with the counselor and get another sonogram done, and hopefully be able to understand Lucas' situation better.  We just want to give a big thank you to everyone out there who has us in their thoughts and their prayers. Once we know more we will keep posting and keep everyone up to date.

Beginning of the second trimester

We hadn't gotten to see lucas at all in September, but we had our 13 wk appt on Oct 2nd.  Its amazing how much our little guy had grown since the last time we saw him.  At the time we had absolutley no idea what we were having, and hoped that maybe Dr. Martinez would give us some kind of clue.  At this visit we got to hear his strong heart beat again and see him moving around a lot. We asked about the possibility of seeing the gender but Dr. Martinez said that he didn't do that till the 20 wk visit, which was alright, but we just wouldn't know what he was till November.  Everything appeared to be good, his heart sounded good, and he was def moving around. We left our visit very happy and even more excited then before, and we also had gotten some pretty good pictures of him.

I hadn't had any morning sickness or hardly anything from the start of the pregnancy. But let me tell you some of my friends would tell me how much their breast hurt at first and to be honest I thought they were crazy, until we found out we were pregnant! It seemed like it was the day after we found out that I could barely do anything without them hurting majorly, so anyone who doesn't believe it, just beware! The only thing that had happened lately was I got a ear inf and a tooth abscess and ended up needing a root canal. We were set to go back to the Dr on Oct 30, and as far as we knew everything was fine.

Here is a close up of his face with his little arm by his head like he's waving

This one is the side view of him, his body is almost in a 'V' shape, but you can see how long his legs are!

From the beginning

As most of our friends and family know, Chris and I have been together since June 26, 2005, and got married on June 25, 2011.  We recently celebrated our 1 year anniversary, and on July 20th we learned we would soon be first time parents.  I had always told Chris I wanted to wait till I was 25 to have children, why 25 I really have no idea it just seemed like a good age, but God had another plan, I'm am 23 and Chris is 25.

In June before we celebrated our anniversary we thought that we may of been pregnant, bu I had taken several at home tests, and a blood test and they all said negative, nothing said we were pregnant besides me missing my period completely in June, so we just did our normal routine and went on with life.  I hadn't taken a test at all at the beginning of July, and on the 20th to be exact Chris said we should take one.  My almost exact words were "I'm not wasting more money on those expensive tests just to see another negative, so if you want me to take one you're buying me one."  Smart right, not so much! We happened to be at Target and he brought it up so we bought the first response test that came with the 2 pink line test, and a digital test.  It was around 7 or so when we finally got the nerve to take the first pink line test, we waited 2 mins it took to develop then we both looked at it, I saw only one pink line, meaning negative, and told Chris, "See another negative."  But then Chris looked a little closer and asked if I could see the other pink line, honestly I started getting nervous and when I could see there were 2 pink lines meaning I was pregnant, I swore I was going to pass out.  My first thought was 'how are we going to tell our parents?!' As if we weren't married and owned a house, so really how bad would it be to tell them. Then I thought 'oh crap I'm going to dinner with my sisters how and I not going to tell them?!'

After the dinner with my sisters I came home and we took the digital test, we covered the results box with a piece of paper and just saw the little clock blinking saying it was processing. Once it stopped blinking meaning the results popped up, Chris and I looked at each other with the 'you look first' face and I think Chris even told me to move the paper, but we were nervous, finally on the count of 3 we moved it together, and behold it said YES+ on the screen. That's when I thought I was going to really pass out, I've always wanted to be a mom, and start a family with Chris, but I didn't know if I was really ready, but honestly how can you ever be fully ready for a baby. So on July 23rd we went to the Dr to have the blood test done, and but the 25th we knew that were 100% pregnant with our first baby, and I was only about 2-3 wks along.  Crazy how we were able to find out so early, and trying to keep it a secret till the proper time (8-10 wks along) to tell everyone definitely was a challenge.

As the weeks past we grew more excited to go into the Dr to see our baby for the first time, my first appt was set up for when I would be 8 wks.  But at 6 wks I had experienced some very light bleeding, and being so early the Dr wanted to see me to do some blood work, and then to do a sonogram after we got the blood results back.  On August 13th we got to hear the amazing sound of our baby's heart beat for the first time, and it was such an amazing experience. The baby was so very tiny it was hard for them to get a good measurement for a possible due date, but we didn't care our baby was alive and had a strong heart beat.  We went for what was suppose to be our first visit on August 28, and once again got to see how much the baby had grown, and how loud and strong its little heart beat was.  By measurements they put me at 8 wks 2 days, and my due date to April 7, 2013.  This was the day that we announced to everyone, including FB, that we were expecting our first child in April.

As you can see on the one on top is the first test taken, and how hard it is to see that second line!

Our first sonogram, the dotted line is where the baby is at, and you can see how tiny he was!

 

This is another of our first sonogram, and it shows the heart beat

 

These are the 8 wk sonograms

 

This is a close up of the sonogram with his strong heart beat, you can def tell how much he has grown!

Here is our announcement picture, taken shortly after our 8 wk visit