Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Latest dr visits

Sorry I haven't updated everyone on how our Drs appts have went lately, with Christmas it's been crazy busy for us. 

We went to the Dr on the 18th, and Chloe's heart is still beating. Which to be honest was a surprise due to how extremely low her fluid is, but it was bittersweet to hear it. On the sonograms it's hard to seem much of her besides her head due to the low fluid. I received a call from one of the nurses letting me know Dr Martinez wanted to see us on Friday the 21st due to the long weekend and just discuss something's with us. We went in that morning and he let us know during Chloe's delivery for my safety we will have to do a c-section. He had let us know he had spoke with some fellow
Drs who have dealt with babies who pass and informed him that once Chloe passes there is a chance that my body could release a toxin called DIC (Disseminated intravascular coagulation) which will cause my blood to not clot. The possibility of the toxin and my placenta previa causing me to possibly bleed would not be good for my safety. We had an idea from the beginning that we would have to have a c-section due to the placenta previa, and the holoprosencephaly causing Chloe's head to be larger. It sucks to know that I will have to have a surgery and not be able to bring home our daughter, but knowing that it is what is safest makes it better. As Chris and I have said c-sec are so common nowadays it's really not something to worry about having. We will go back to see him in the afternoon of the 27th, I'll be sure to give an update much sooner that our visit. 


Tiny 6 month belly

Monday, December 17, 2012

A little update

I'm sure some of y'all have wondered where I've been since we've been to a couple Dr's visits since my last post.  Sorry for not posting sooner and keeping everyone up to date on things so far, I had finals for my classes, which I thankfully passed!

Okay so we went to the high risk Dr's on Dec 6th, which it was pretty much over everything we already knew from the MRI and her condition, we are starting to only see Dr. Martinez once again since there isn't much the other Dr's can do now that we know what exactly Chloe's condition is.  We also saw Dr. Martinez on Dec 6th and the 10th, and the amniotic fluid is extremely low, I believe they said it was in the 1/3 percentile for what it should be, and of course in the sonograms we can tell that there isn't much fluid there.  We also talked to Dr. Martinez about what will happen next which was very hard.  With the fluid being as low as it is, he bluntly let us know that he didn't believe she would be with us much longer, and he would be surprised if she made it to Christmas.  We and Dr. Martinez all agreed that we didn't want to do anything until Chloe's heart stopped beating, which feels right in my heart to do, as much as I don't want her to be in pain anymore I can't come to having her before she's ready to let go.  Unfortunately with my placenta previa and Chloe's holoprosencephaly when she passes away the delivery as he said will be a little tricky.  They wouldn't be able to induce me like they would anyone else because her head isn't as hard as any other baby, and the placenta previa, it could cause bleeding, and there would be a possibility that I could start to bleed out, causing a c-section to be done.  Honestly I'm not nervous about having a c-sec if it came to that, but as Dr. Martinez had said he wants to prevent it if possibly due to the fact that I would have one and not have a baby to take home afterwards.  We'll go back to see Martinez tomorrow the 18th to check Chloe's heart, and of course go from there.

I also have to say that I'm very saddened to read about the shooting in Connecticut, on my facebook I've seen the pictures going around of the poor children who passed away due to that senseless act, and it really breaks my heart.  I can't fully imagine what it feels like to loose a child like that, I guess no one ever really does.

Sometimes, when the sun goes down,
It seems it will never rise again,
but it will!
Sometimes, when you feel alone,
It seems your heart will break in two,
but it won't.
And sometimes, it seems,
It's hardly worthwhile carrying on,
But it is.
For sometimes, when the sun goes down,
It seems it will never rise again,
But it does.

- Frank Brown

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Some thoughts and music

Let me start off by saying thank you to everyone who continues to pray for us, and thinks about us and Chloe, they help to know that so many people already care so much for her.  Also we got to see a picture of her angel bear that ABC Ministry's had done for us, and let me say it is so beautiful, we'll receive her tomorrow at our Drs visit, and I am very excited to see her in person. 

I picked up my baby niece yesterday from school, and on the way to my moms house (Nana) she asked me something that was so innocent and with this sweet concerned face, she said "Gomo why is the baby going to heaven?"  To be honest I wasn't expecting a question like that, I went on to tell her that "Chloe had a boo-boo on her brain, and she's sick.  But it'll be okay cause she'll be in heaven with PawPaw, and God, and Jesus, and she'll be watching over us."  Of course only being 5 I'm not sure if she completely understands it all, but her asking that kind of made me realize just how much Chloe's situation is effecting everyone.  I knew it would, but I guess before that question I never realized how much.  One of my nephews started hugging me lately and saying "when is that baby going to get here?" and I just tell him it'll be a while, but it'll be alright.  And today my oldest niece asked how Chloe was doing, and being 9 I was able to explain to her a little easier that Chloe's sick, I think she can understand it a little better due to the fact that she can remember when my dad, their PawPaw, passed away.

I knew all of this would effect everyone in our families, and our friends, but you never really know till something like that happens.  (Chloe is Chris' family's first grandbaby, and will be my family's 8th grandbaby.)  I also heard from a friend at work that shared the poem from my last poem with her friend who lost twins, and told me that it helped her out, and hearing that it helps me know that us having this blog is a good thing not only for us, but its helping others too.  I know most may never experience anything like this personally, but if it helps them to just hug their kids a little tighter, or anything like that, I feel like Chloe's time with us would of helped so many others.

As I said in the last post music is a big thing for me to express the emotions that we are experiencing, and I'd like to share some very good songs with everyone, maybe y'all can check them out, and maybe they'll help you with something too!  (I'll post a link to the song on youtube as well.)

1 "Gone to Soon"- Daughtry     This song I feel explains how we feel right now, and some of the lyrics just seem to speak to me.  One part says "Would you have been president?
Or a painter, a author or sing like your mother" and if you know me you know that I love to paint, and a little known fact about Chris is he loves to write, and can write about anything. Also "what would you look like? would you have my smile and her eyes?" which really makes me think of Chris' dream the other night when he saw Chloe.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YvpoYxwI08M

2 "If You Could See Me Now"- Jeff Bates   Whats unique about this song is he wrote a song that my dad heard a little before he passed away and liked and we played it at his funeral, and Bates is my dad's mom (my grandma) maiden name.  This song is very sweet too, and just talks about from a child who passed point of view and how they are okay, and happy in heaven.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yyzsggy3uuE

3 "I Will Carry You"- Selah   This song is very sweet and the singer wrote this song because when she was pregnant with her 4th daughter they knew was going to pass away shortly after her birth, and is def a look into how they feel.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pxZhEcTzn6Q

4 "My Name"- George Canyon  This music video is sad, and really tells the story of the song, a couple are having their baby and she passes away, but they never knew what they were having, and even though we know we are having a little girl, it is def a sweet song, and video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FbUWw1SKc8Q


Before I end this post, I also wanted to share this poem I found for Chris, and for really any dad out there who's lost a child, and really makes you remember they are losing something too:

 It must be very difficult

To be a man in grief,
Since "men don't cry"
and "men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.

It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test,
And field the calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.

They always ask if she's all right
And what she's going through.
But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, but how are you?"

He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break.
He dries her tears and comforts her,
But "stays strong" for her sake.

It must be very difficult
To start each day anew.
And try to be so very brave-
He lost his baby too.

-Eileen Knight Hagemeister

Chloe's Angel bear by ABC Ministry's

Monday, December 3, 2012

Long day

Today has been a long day; it seems like a lot longer than past days.  I really can’t believe this year is almost over, 2012 seemed to by so fast, but I have a feeling it might slow down with our Drs appts coming up.  We’ll see both Dr Martinez, and Dr Blanco’s offices on Thursday the 6th.  I also wanted to let everyone know thank you for being here and the prayers for us, it means a lot to us.  That being said I know that in pregnancies its usually all about the mom to be, but please don’t forget that Chris is here with me and going through all of this too, its effecting him just the same as its effecting me, though he can hold it together better than I can some days.  I appreciate when I receive texts from friends, or FB messages or posts, so please don’t leave him out, he needs the support just like I do, whether he wants to admit it or not.  I know sometimes the dad gets left out because it’s the mom who’s going through the physical changes, but dad’s go through them too, and Chris has been right by my side for everything physical and emotional.  I’m just saying this because Chris and I are both Chloe’s parents, and we’re both going through all of the same emotions no matter what way we show them.
I thought I’d also share Chris’ dream that he had the other night.  He was having a rough day, and finally got to sleep, and he told me he had a dream about Chloe.  Said he was walking outside and got to a really bright street light, he heard a little girl ask if his name was Chris Martin, he turned around to see a tall little girl maybe about 8 years old that had my eyes and nose, and his lips and blonde hair.  He told her yes he was Chris, then she told him ‘Dad everything’s going to be okay… I’m okay daddy.’  Of course hearing this made me sad, because it makes me wonder if our Chloe is already in heaven with her PawPaw and God.  Things have gotten easier with everything, but it still hurts to hear so much bad news every time we go to the Dr it seems.  I know things from here are going to get harder sadly, but I just wish our Chloe was going to be able to be here with us, and be our healthy little girl.  We still talk and sing to her everyday which is comforting, but I’m not feeling her move as much, which I think is due to the fact of her legs being in the straight locked position that Dr Twickler saw on the MRI. 
I found this song shortly after we got the news that Chloe only had a brainstem, we were getting food at Subway and playing through the speakers was the song “Need You Now (How Many Time)” by Plumb.  I’ve never heard it before, and it took me some time to find the actual song, but thankfully Chris found it for me, here’s a link to it on youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bKEtqaGgfXo  Music has always been a big help for me , and today while in my mood I’ve found quit a few songs that I really like.  As Chris says I always seem to find that one song that fits perfectly for a situation we are in.  Chris and I have also said that we want to get tattoos for Chloe too, if you don’t know us that well we are definitely no strangers to getting tattoos. 

I know for sure we are going to be ordering the silicone bracelets soon; I just need to make sure I like how they’ll look.  If you’d like one please let me know, I was thinking of ordering about  40-50 adult bracelets, and maybe 15-20 child bracelets, so let me know if you’re interested that way I can be sure to have enough ordered.  Also as I’ve said in a previous post we’ll be taking donations for anyone who would like to donate, and I believe we will be sending it to the ABC Ministries in Midkiff, Tx they are the ones who are making Chloe’s bear for us, but once we know for sure I will let everyone know so you’ll know what the donation is helping with. Also here is ABC Ministry’s FB for anyone who would like to “like” their page: https://www.facebook.com/pages/ABC-Ministry/124500517666500#!/pages/ABC-Ministry-Angel-Baby-Creations/253972787989018?fref=ts

Also a poem Chris found that I thought was touching:
What Makes a Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes.
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a mother and
I know I heard him say,

A mother has a baby.
This we know is true.
But God, can you be a mother
when your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can, He replied
with confidence in His voice.
I give many women babies.
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime
and others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb
but there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this. God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared His throat
and then I saw a tear.

I wish I could show you
what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
with other children and say,

"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of life and love and fear.
My Mommy loved me, Oh so much,
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom
who had so much love for me,
I learned my lesson very quickly.
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy, Oh so much,
but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
on her pillow's where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
and whisper in her ear,
'Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here.'"

So you see, my dear sweet one,
your children are okay.
Your babies are here in My home,

They'll be at heavens gate waiting for you.

They'll wait for you with Me
until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home,
they'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother-
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not realize you are a Mother,
until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day,
and know you're the best one.


~Jennifer Wasik