Happy 2nd Birthday Chloe!!

           2 years ago today, we said hello and good-bye to our angel, Chloe Aria.  As most of you who know us or read this blog know we found out at 16 wks pregnancy that Chloe had a condition called Primitive Alobar Holoprosencephaly (HPE).  Meaning that in her development her brain did not properly develop, all that had developed was her brain stem, and a cranial sack of cerebral spinal fluid.  Now 3+ years ago never would I of thought I would know such big medical terms, how to spell them, or let alone what they actually meant.  I also never would have thought that I would be effected directly by a condition like this, I’ve seen miscarriages in our family and friends, but never pregnancy loss resulting in stillbirth.  Now that being said, some of you may think that Chloe was a miscarriage, but in the medical field she was a stillbirth, if a pregnancy ends after 20 wks it is no longer considered miscarriage, we had her at 27 wks.   

In our state of mind and life now looking back, that was one of the darkest times of our lives, but Chris and I lived it to the fullest and tried to look for the best in all of the situations we were handed.  I believe our faith was tested to the fullest, and we def came out stronger than I thought we would of.  Some people may think, ‘well if you knew she was going to pass away anyway, why go through the pregnancy, and just terminate?’  Well that’s a good questions, that was an option that the Dr’s had gave us. For some people that may be the easy thing for them to do, but as I had told Chris when we were discussing our options, I didn’t want to choose the day that our daughter died.  Now that may seem morbid, why hold on if you know she won’t make it?  Because I wanted her to go when she was ready to go, and when God said it was her time.  I know that if we would of done the other option I probably wouldn’t of had to have any c-section’s, or have to have a classical c-section making it where all of my pregnancies I have to always have a c-section.  But that was just a minor bump that I really don’t mind, both of my sections were not bad at all, and I honestly prefer it, it’s not like I have a choice anyway. ;)

           The past 2 years we haven’t mourned too often, but we’ve celebrated Chloe’s life and the blessings that she has sent our way.  I can see her in Brooke every day, and yes I do wonder, would it be this way if Chloe had been fine, but I know that we wouldn’t have Brooke here.  Chloe was sent to us for a reason, and we got to see our guardian angel being born on January 8, 2013.  I know that she has helped watch over us since that day, and helped to send us Brooke. 

Happy Birthday Chloe, we love and miss you very much!

p.s. I wanted to say thank you to our family and friends who have been here for us, we appreciate it more than y’all will  ever know, and seeing/feeling all the love today has def helped me smile.

Brooke def liked releasing the balloons for big sister!

And helping to eat her cupcake!

Many Updates and Pictures!!

I haven’t typed in here in a while and have many updates and pictures I’d like to share with everyone!  As of March 10^th we are going to the Dr every week now, and on the 14^th we went to the new Baby Glance for some 3D/4D sonograms.  Of course Puff did not want to cooperate with us, she had both of her chunky legs up in front of her face, and her arms crossed behind them right in front of her face as well.  We got a few good pictures, but not too many that we could see her face fully, I’ll post some of them below.   

We also went back and saw our high risk Dr on March 18^th, to get his opinion on when we should deliver, for those who don’t know I have a “classical” or vertical cut on my uterus, where as a normal c-section uterine cut goes horizontally.  Because of this every pregnancy I will deliver via c-section and I cannot have contractions due to the increased risk of possible uterine rupture.  He still suggested that we deliver anywhere between 36 wks and 38 wks (the closer to 40 wks I get the increased chance of labor).  We also got a good scan of her, which the sonographer said everything with her looks great, and everything has developed perfectly!  We also got some more 3D sonograms from them, and after trying for some time got some good ones of her chunky little face.  Chris and I agree that she def has my nose and cheeks, and she’s got daddy’s big lips.  According to her measurements at that time I was 32 wks, and she averaged 34 wks, and according to measurements could weigh 5 lbs 7 oz, which puts her in the 95^th percentile for growth.  When we went to see Dr Martinez on the 10^th when I was 31 wks my fundal height (the measurement from the pubic bone to the top of the uterus) measured 34 wks as well.   Which that just means that there is a big possibility she will be a larger baby, and could be around 8 lbs at birth, which I was 7 lbs (not sure how many ounces) and Chris was 6 lbs 11 oz at birth. 

We went back to see Dr Martinez on March 27^th to discuss what Dr. Maher suggested and when we would most likely deliver.   As they both said we would shoot for the middle of 36-38 and go with 37 wks which I am 37 wks on the 19^th, the day after my birthday.  Dr Martinez had said most likely we will deliver on either April 19^th or April 20^th, which I know the 20^th is Easter this year, and it’s also my grandma’s birthday so that would be a pretty cool day for her to be born.  She would share my grandma’s birthday, and she would share Chris’ granny’s name for her middle name (Allie).  We don’t have anything set in stone just yet, but we are going back on April 1^st and I’m guessing we will have the day scheduled for certain by then.

With around 3 wks left, its def getting more surreal that it’s going to be no longer be just Chris and me for the rest of our lives.  We’ve been together for 8 years, going on 9 in June, and its different to think how everything’s going to change, and will be such blessing.  We never really were able to get to have this feeling when pregnant with Chloe due to us just enjoying her pregnancy and here being with us for as long as we could.  And even though I’m nervous and know it’s going to be tough in the beginning this journey we’ve been on, from Chloe’s pregnancy to Puff’s pregnancy, have been such blessings for us, and something that have helped to mold Chris and I for the better.

     

Puff 20 wk sonogram, and 32 wk sonogram, look how chunky she's gotten!! 

 

 Puff at 32 wks, def has her daddy's lips!

 

 31 wks, 3D sonogram from Baby Glance with her arm right in front of her face 

 

 Some of our maternity pictures done by Mari Annelise Photography, 29 wks

 

 

 

Dimples are Angel Kisses

Its hard to think that Brooke was born a month ago, it seems like just yesterday that we were going to the hospital to have her, its also hard to think of a time that she hasn't been here.  She's starting to come into her looks more and more, and it makes me kind of sad at how much she's growing already.  I look forward to her coming into her personality and being able to make her smile and laugh, and as Chris said the day she can say "I love you".  But I still get sad at how fast time goes, she's always going to be my baby, I'm going to miss the times that we just sit on the couch and I just have her laying on my chest all snuggled up.  Thank goodness for pictures!  Speaking of pictures, our friend Mari, who took our reveal and maternity pictures, took some amazing pictures of Brooke when she was a week old, which I'll post some of them at the bottom of this post.

Thankfully Brooke is a very good baby, she sleeps really well, I have to set alarms to get her up to eat.  We've gotten into a pretty good routine now, right after I get up to get her bottle she's usually starting to wake up ready to eat.  She also is really good about falling asleep by herself, and she only really cries when she has gas, getting her diaper or clothes changes, or is hungry.  I know we're going to have some tough days, but right now I'm very thankful for how blessed we've been.
I hate to admit that I've had a few days where I call Brooke Chloe.  It makes me a little sad, but I know its normal, we've only said Chloe's name for over a year.  I think it makes me sad because it makes me wonder if Chloe would of looked like Brooke, and if she would of been like Brooke or had her own little things.  Like Brooke when she's drinking her milk does this little high pitched like swallowing sound, its hard to explain but its the cutest thing ever.  Or if Chloe would have the reddish tint to her hair like Brooke, I know they would of had similarities in looks, but it still makes me wonder.  Both Chloe and Brooke have my nose, Chloe had my eyes, and Brooke has what look like her daddy's eyes, they both have the "Hart toes" as we call them, and Brooke has her daddy's hands/fingers, sadly I can't really remember what Chloe's hands/fingers looked like.

I'm not sure if anyone remembers my post about white butterflies, but few days before we had Brooke I kept seeing a single white butterfly in our yard, and the day we brought her home we saw what I would guess was the same little butterfly.  I like to think its Chloe keeping close to us, we see a white butterfly usually everyday now.  I'm not sure if I put this in our last post but Brooke has 3 dimples, 2 by her mouth, and one in her left cheek, and possibly one in her right cheek.  One of our friends step moms said she always heard that dimples were "angel kisses".  And which that makes sense cause Brooke does have her sister, her pawpaw, and her great granny in heaven.  I ended up googling to see if there was anyone else who have heard that before and I found this blog post that's a really good read, you should check it out:   http://sephoraanangelsjourney.wordpress.com/2013/08/12/the-story-about-the-dimple/
I haven't looked at any of her other posts just yet besides this one, but she is also an Angel Mom with a little girl in heaven, and has rainbow baby who has a dimple in his little cheek.

I'll go ahead and stop my writing here, and post the pictures I was talking about above!

Welcoming Brooke Allie Martin!

Chloe's little sister Brooke made her way into our world on Easter Sunday, April 20, 2014, at 9:47 AM, weighing 7 lbs 9 oz, 19 1/2 in long!  I have to say she is the best blessing and most beautiful little girl ever!  We went in early to the hospital for a scheduled c-section on Sunday, and everything went so great!  I was really nervous leading up to that day, but honestly I was more nervous the Sat before then I was on Sunday.  I remember waking up Sat morning feeling nauseous, and then when Sun came around I woke up excited, and just a tad nervous.  I was really nervous to get another IV, when we went to have Chloe that was one of the worst things that I had experienced in the beginning.  I had never had an IV before that day and they ended up sticking me twice, that with all of our other sad emotions, I remember telling Chris that I was ready to go home, that I couldn't go through a surgery if I could barely get through getting an IV.  Thankfully the nurse who did mine was great, she did have to stick me twice but it didn't bother me as badly as with Chloe's.  It wasn't until I was in the OR getting my spinal tap that my legs started shaking and I thought "holy crap, we are about to meet our daughter".  Chris came into the room with me, even though he was very nervous and didn't know if he really wanted to go into the OR in the beginning of this pregnancy being that he got sick in the room with Chloe's section.  But I will let him type up his point of view, I will say I am so very proud of him

Here's my point of view, the anesthesiologist and I walked into the OR, and I got onto the table while they got everything prepped, and gave me my spinal tap, while they explained to me everything that would be done.  I got laid back onto the table and they finished prepping and got Chris so he could sit with me.  They started before we knew it, and Chris and I just sat there talking with the anesthesiologist, to keep our minds off of the past feelings that we had, about that time she said, "alright daddy she's about to come out, do you want to watch?" Chris had this somewhat timid look and she said "here just look right here" and lowered the curtain just a little (Chris was already eye level with it anyway cause he's so tall).  About that time he sat up a little taller, then he just stood up and watched Brooke being born!  I heard him say "oh look there she is!" So proud and I asked if she was chunky, and had chubby cheeks, and of course he said yes.  Finally we heard her let out her loud cry for the first time. They took her over to the warmer table and I could see the top of her head while Chris looked over her and held her little hand.  She had swallowed a little bit of fluid so the nurse was getting it out, and I heard her cry once again, I told the anesthesiologist that it was very surreal, and happy feeling finally hearing that cry, when we didn't get to hear anything with Chloe's delivery.  It made it all the more real that we finally have our daughter here with us, and what a true blessing from God and Chloe that she is.  Chris came back over and sat next to me and they handed Brooke over to him, and he put her cheek to cheek with me, I was able to kiss her little head and touch her face, and see what a proud daddy Chris was.  The anesthesiologist took some pictures which I was so thankful for.  Finally they were going to take her to the nursery and took Chris with them while they finished getting me back together.  Our Dr came over to me after he was done and told me that I did great, and that Brooke was beautiful and gave me a nice hug.  All the nurses finished cleaning me up and we went back to my recovery room, about 15-20 mins later Chris and Brooke came into the room with me and I finally got to hold her, and I have to say I never wanted to let her go.  She is the most amazing blessing that could of ever happen, and I know that Chloe had so much help in giving her to us.  She is so much more then what we prayed for, and is just absolutely amazing.

Chris:
This pregnancy and delivery were extremely nerve wracking. I remember the week before her delivery the amount of nerves and emotions I was feeling. I was frankly scared to death of what was to come. Sunday morning I took my time getting up, I don't know why, but I felt that if I took my time that maybe I could keep Lindsay pregnant even longer. I didn't want a repeat of how I felt after Chloe's delivery. We arrived at the hospital at 5 in the morning on Easter Sunday, which I quite honestly forgot that there was a 5 a.m., and we got our room pretty fast. After several minutes of nurses in and out, getting all of Lindsay's information, we finally got a few moments alone. We didn't say much, just enjoyed each others company. My parents and sister showed up, at a very punctual, 8 a.m. and by that time my nerves were shot. Seeing Lindsay hooked up to an I.V. in her gown reminded me of the past and it was killing me on the inside. I wanted to be excited, but I didn't know how to be. Her mom and niece showed up soon after my family did and without warning so did our Dr.. Next thing I know a nurse, 'Dee', whisked me away to a very isolated room. She kept telling me congratulations and asking if I was excited, i'm certain I didn't reply at all. Let me explain how I looked that morning, I am wearing typical attire, t-shirt, jeans, running shoes, and hat. I also had 2 phones and a camera in my hand specifically for taking pictures. The room I was lead to was about the size of a public bathroom. There were a few lockers, a bench, a walk-in closet that somehow was transformed into a bathroom, and a set of double doors. In the corner was a toddler-sized organizer. Inside were the faded blue scrubs, in descending order of size. I grabbed my XL scrub top and bottoms along with a hairnet, mouth cover, and booties. After an excruciating 10 minute wait, which felt like an eternity and a half, an O.R. nurse asked if I was ready. That's a funny question, even if you don't feel ready, they are, so it doesn't matter what your answer is. I replied yes because I'm a man, and off I went. I walked in and felt as if I walked into the room naked. Our Dr. and all the nurses turned towards me in unison and just stared at me until I sat down by Lindsay. Lindsay looked beautiful lying there looking at me with her beautiful green eyes and without hesitation I just started talking to the anesthesiologist to help get my mind off of what was going on just beyond the blue curtain of doom. After seemingly a few seconds I could smell the flesh as they started to cauterize her wound open. I remembered that smell vividly and it didn't bother me. As was said here and other posts, I ended up getting sick to my stomach with Chloe's delivery just over a year prior. I never heard the suction of the bodily fluids so I never got curious of where it was going. Before I knew it the anesthesiologist asked if I would like to see her come out of my wife. At that moment I was concerned if I would get the upset stomach or even worse pass out due to lack of blood in my skull. I peeked over the curtain and for no other reason than pure curiosity I stood up. I grabbed the anesthesiologist, just in case I went down I could take someone with me. I looked and saw the inside of my wife's abdomen. I saw this grey-ish  blob with veins all over it, blood, and a number of other red stuff. Next thing I know our Dr. cut the grey blob and all I could see was hair. My heart dropped to my toes along with my mouth. Then a face turned and faced me, the girl that we've waited for for so long was facing me for the first time in her life here on earth. After some wiggling and pulling by the Dr. our blessing was born. They took her to the warmers and cleaned her off real well, wrapped her up, and brought her over to Lindsay and I. We spent a few seconds together before being rushed to the nursery for the newborn check-up. After several minutes in the nursery, with the paparazzi (aka our families) outside the windows, we were taken back to see Lindsay. It wasn't until that moment that I realized two things. One of those things was that I had forgotten about the phones and camera, so I didn't get the pictures I wanted haha, and the other was that I watched my daughter take her first breath, watched her skin meet the outside world for the first time, I witnessed a miracle.

It was a huge change in our life, but we have embraced it with wide open arms and hearts. Every day I fall more in love with what we have created. Every little thing she does warms my heart to extremes that I didn't know were possible. She showed me what the true definition of what a rainbow baby is all about. Just yesterday my best friend told me that for the first time in a long time I looked and seemed happy. I didn't realize that the pain and hurt that I had in my heart and mind were so obvious on the outside. I thought I was hiding it a lot better. Evidently it's not my perception that counts, its that of others. When I held and kissed my daughter for the first time, I felt that unconditional love that I was yearning for since saying my final goodbye to Chloe. Now having Brooke here makes my internal wounds easier to handle. They will never be healed, but she helps us more and more every day.

29 Wks and Counting!

I know I haven't wrote in here in a while, but I am now officially at 30wks! 

We also go the results of the glucose test that I had at our 28 wk visit, and everything was good there so I don't have gestational diabetes thankfully!  But I am having gallbladder spasms, which are very uncomfortable, so I was started on a medicine and a diet to help with that.  We are going to go back when I'm 31 wks,  and I think we'll start the every other week visits after that?  I know he had mentioned we may see the high risk Dr one more time just to get his opinion on our possible delivery time due to me having a classical (vertical) incision on my uterus.

It's crazy to think that as early as 7 wks we could be going to have our little girl,  or as late as 9 wks away. O_O I told Chris the other day when I realized how close it was that I didn't think I could do it.  I think I feel that way this time because with Chloe we knew from about 16 wks that there was a very high chance she wouldn't actually come home with us, so we just enjoyed her pregnancy as much as we could, and never went through any preparations for her to come home.  Now we know Puff will be coming home with us and we're going to have a child to take care of for the rest of our lives, it's kind of a surreal feeling this time around.

We also got some maternity pictures done by our friend Mari, with Mari Annelise Photography,  which I recommend to any one in our area.  I will def be posting them soon, I never took any maternity pictures with Chloe, so being able to this time was def something we looked forward to being able to do.

Other then just being tired, and taking random naps when I don't even think I'm that tired, everything's been going really well thankfully.  We've got the nursery basically fully done, just have to touch up a few spots of paint, and get the curtains/ decorations hung.  We've got her crib, changing table, and rocker all where we want them to be too.

I guess I will end this post there, and I will def be posting pictures of her room and our maternity pictures once we have everything!  Just keep praying everything continues to go well for us, and our little miracle!!

Notes from dad: 

I've slowly realized that the days are only getting shorter and the weeks are starting to feel like mere blinks of my eyes. I'm growing nervous, anxious, and overall excited about what is to come. Until this point I've ignored the fact that my life is about to change forever yet again. Chloe's life and (predicted, but) premature passing hit me like a freight train. My life was forever changed by a little girl whom I never got the chance to truly meet. 

Puff, I think will bring joy and light back in to my life. As I've said before, I'm out of the dark hole, yet a big part of me is still missing. It will be a challenge to take care of a child full-time, but it'll be a challenge I'll accept with open arms. 

-Chris

In the picture I am 26 wks pregnant with both Chloe and Puff, you can def tell there is a difference in their growth.

25 wks and upadates/milestones!

I am 25 wks as of Sat, and feeling pretty good, minus having strep throat for a second time this pregnancy, and all the lovely coughing/drainage due to this crazy weather we've had.  It really doesn't feel like I'm 6 months along, I guess that's due to the fact that we've known I was pregnant since I was like 2-3 wks along, just like with Chloe's pregnancy. 

We have finally started to feel her movement on the outside of my belly around 24 wks, I've been able to feel her move since about 14 wks.  Chris finally felt a pretty impressive kick on the 22nd, after only feeling light movement before that.  Let me say this little girl has some tough kicks/punches for sure.  Today I finally got her to respond to me pushing a little in a spot that she had just kicked me at, and while I was putting a little pressure she hit hard right on my hand, kind of like a "hey would you watch it!" Lol, I guess she's got the soccer gene all of us Hart kids have.  We didn't get to feel Chloe move quit like we have Puff, even though this is my second pregnancy all of this is def new for us.  With Chloe it was a lot of the butterfly feeling for me, and Chris felt her move just a little a few times, so Puffs movements are def amazing to feel/watch.  Some other updates are that around 35 wks we will know when we will deliver.  It could be as early as the week of April14th (I'll be 36 wks), or as late as the week of April 28th (I'll be 38 wks).  If some of y'all don't know my birthday is April 18th, so this little girls birthday will be very close to mine :).  We discussed at our last Dr's appt that the earlier we deliver there is a chance I will have to do steroid shots before delivery to ensure that Puffs lungs are properly developed before she makes her big appearance.  We've also got her room started, we're painted white and gray stripes on the wall that her crib will sit on, and the other walls are going to be are brighter hot pink. 

We go back to the Dr on the 6th, and then we'll go back 2 wks from then for my 28 wk glucose test.  Still praying everything goes well!!

Happy 1st Birthday sweet Chloe!!

Little did we know, a year ago today, it would be our first and last time seeing you, or holding you Chloe.  Even though we have pictures to us remember this day, and all the days before,  we still miss you dearly.  I wonder who you would've been if you could of stayed with us, what you would look like, the things you would like.  I am very thankful for the 27 wks that we got to spend with you, even though there were many rough and trying weeks, I wouldn't trade it for the world.  All though you were little, all of 10 inches long, and weighed 10.4 ounces, we know you had the strongest hearts, and are growing so big in heaven.  You made the largest impact on our lives, and will continue to do so in the lives of your siblings.  I pray that you continue to watch over everyone, and am thankful that you have helped to bless us with another little girl that I know will have a little bit of you in her.  I pray that we make you proud everyday, and know that we love you very much.  Till the day we all meet again.  Happy 1st birthday our sweet Chloe!! Mommy and daddy love and miss you so very much!!

Chris:

In the last blog post I decided to release some of my pent up aggression and after it was all said and done I felt real good. It's weird that posting in something like this would have an affect on me. That being said I have decided that it would be in my best interest to keep doing so. 

I'll start off with some sad notes, but will end it the best way I know how. 

I'm sorry Chloe that I couldn't fix what was going on. I was powerless in this and I often feel like I let you down. I know you're up there with Great Granny and PawPaw hanging out and watching over our entire family. 

I was being selfish after you passed away, I kept thinking 'I lost my daughter, why my daughter?, why me?'. I couldn't help it. That day I lost a huge piece of me and I was devastated about it. It wasn't until I was talking to my best friend that I realized how selfish I had become. He had gone through a very rough patch which still haunts him to this day. (which is completely understandable) I couldn't imagine the pain of losing a parent suddenly. I remember looking at him and telling him 'it wasn't just you that lost someone, your dad lost someone, your sister lost someone, everyone she ever came in contact lost a special person.' It wasn't until after I said that, that I realized Chloe wasn't just Lindsay and my baby. It was my mom and dads first grandbaby, my sisters first niece, my mother-in-laws 8th grandbaby, and a new niece/cousin for the litter. 

Another thing that we talked about was the fact that as the 'rule' states, is that you are supposed to bury your parents, not your children. I've heard that saying in the past, but never did I ever think it would apply to me. I know that at some point I will have to bury my mom and dad (God willing, not for many many years from now), but never did I think I would ever have to attend a memorial service for my offspring. 

I remember at the memorial service, the sheer amount of people that showed up. For a little girl, who never graced this earth with her presence, to have a flock of people show up was amazing. For the first time during this whole situation I finally felt and saw what true love and friendship was all about. None of the people that showed up had to, yet they did out of the kindness in their heart. Two nurses from our doctor in Odessa even made the trip which I would've never anticipated. It was great seeing the balloons hit the sky in that iconic heart shape. It was almost like a final goodbye and 'I love you' from that sweet angel in the sky. 

On a lighter note now. This pregnancy has been extremely fun and adventurous to say the least. Everything from the stereotypical morning sickness to the fact that she can't handle chicken cause it's slippery (which for some unknown reason makes her gag) is hilarious. This pregnancy (just like with Chloe) has brought us a lot closer together and our love for each other is greater than I could of ever imagined. Our relationships with our friends also seems stronger as well. It's crazy what a death and pregnancy can do to people. 

I personally wanted to say a big Thank You to anyone that reads this and to everyone that has been a part of our lives, whether it was from the beginning or not. Our friends really helped us through a very rough patch in our lives and there is no way we could ever repay that debt. 

'Let go and let God'

Happy Birthday baby girl! I love you!!

20 wks- Gender Reveal!

We went to a high risk dr on Dec 16th and got my 20 wk exam done (I was 19 wks).  The dr said everything looks great, all development has taken place, and said this baby appears to be a health child!!  We are so extremely happy that we got such great news!  The sonographer was also 90-95% sure of gender.  We also got to see the baby on a 3D and 4D scan!!  I def think Puff's got my nose :).

We went yesterday and took some gender reveal pictures with our friend, Mari, to tell everyone, and guess what!!  We've been blessed with another baby GIRL!!  We are so extremely happy and could not be more blessed with everything God and Chloe have blessed us with.   Last year was such a crazy time, and we had so many downs, along with a few ups, but with Chloe watching over us, she has helped to bless us with so much more then we could ever imagine.  I def am continuing to pray that everything goes amazing for us, and that this little girl has a little bit of her big sister in her!! 

17 Wks & Wives Tales for Gender Predictions

We are now at 17 wks and 3 days pregnant with Puff, and its been a really good pregnancy.  Yes I had horrible morning sickness for about 14 wks, which I never had with Chloe, but its been pretty good considering how nervous I was when we found out we were expecting once again.  We've been seeing Martinez about every 2 wks or so now, we started out seeing him about every week, then we switched to go every 2 now, and that's been pretty good, although we did go a week that we were scheduled cause I wanted to make sure everything was alright still.  Paranoia hasn't really set in till here recently, and I think that's due to the fact that 16 wks is when we found out there was something wrong with Chloe's brain development.  But Puff's movements have been really good in the sonograms, the fluid has been good too, and we can def tell Puff's getting bigger. 

I'm finally starting to get a pregnant belly now, and sadly my belly button feels and looks like it may be popping out soon o_O.  Everything has def been different this time around, which I feel means a good thing.  Chris and I have been looking up gender predictions too, and comparing them to Chloe's pregnancy, I'll list them below with the gender it predicts.  Hopefully we'll know soon if Chloe is going to have a little brother or sister!

Tale #1- Linea Nigra- the line on the belly, said if you get a línea nigra and it runs from your pubic area to your belly button only, it’s a girl, and if it goes all the way up from your pubic area to the bottom-most part of you rib cage, then it’s a boy.  Well with Chloe I never had it, and with Puff I don't have it, so no point to either gender here.

Tale #2- Carrying high or low? So as the tale goes, if you are carrying low, it’s a boy, or if you’re carrying high it’s a girl.  With Chloe I def carried high from the beginning, and so far with Puff its been low.  Point for BOY

Tale #3- Baby's Heart Rate?- Say's if the baby's heart rate is 140 bpm or higher its a girl, lower than 140 bpm its a boy.  I honestly can't remember what Chloe's heart rate was, and with Puff we haven't gotten the bpm from the Dr's but we've listen at home and got around 142-143.  So I'm kind of iffy here since its right off 140, but point for GIRL.

Tale #4- Drano Test- This on involves mixing your urine with tablespoon of Drano, if its a girl its suppose to turn green, and a boy its suppose to turn blue.  I've also read that if its a girl there's no change in color, and if its a boy its suppose to get darker.  Weird I know, but I have never heard of this until this pregnancy, so I never did it with Chloe, sadly we did try it last night, I think that it was darker, and Chris said he didn't see a change, so I guess point for both BOY and GIRL since we didn't agree.

Tale #5- Skin Dry or Soft? If your skin is dry, you’re said to be having a boy – and if it’s soft, then a girl is on the way.  I can't really remember how my skin was with Chloe, with Puff I def can tell it has gotten drier, so point for BOY.

Tale #6- Hair- Has your hair become thinner and dull? Or full-bodied and glossy? Thin and dull says girl, gorgeous and glossy says a boy.  I can't remember if my hair was thinner with Chloe, I just remember it would not do anything I wanted it to, with Puff, I've had much more hair fall, but my hair has def been more glossy, and does exactly what I want it to do, so point for BOY I guess.

Tale #7- Weight Gain- If you are carrying extra weight at the front, then you’re having a boy… but if you are carrying extra weight on your bum and hips, then you have been carrying a girl. What about dad-to-be? If he’s gaining weight with you, apparently you’re having a girl. If he’s put on no weight, a boy for you!  With Chloe most everyone can agree that my thighs got HUGE, very quickly I may add and people knew I was pregnant way before we told anyone, with Puff, I have thankfully not had the big thighs, or quick weight gain, I think that's why we were able to keep it a secret for much longer than Chloe's pregnancy.  Chris' weight I honestly don't think ever really changed with either pregnancy.  So point for BOY from my end at least.

Tale #8-  Numbers- Okay there's 2 here that I've read about.  First one, if you combine your age at the time of conception with the number of the month you conceived and the resulting number is odd – then it’s a girl on the way. If the resulting number is even, then it’s a boy for you.  Chloe's number is 30, Puff's number is 32.  So point for BOY on this one.
Second tale- they say if you get ur birth month, age, year of conception add it then add the numbers in the total as Odd means boy, Even girl.  Chloe's number is 39, Puff's number is 41.  Another BOY point here.
 
Tale #9- Sweet, Salty or Sour?- If your craving sweets, fruit, or juice old wives say that you could be having a girl. But if you’re craving sour or salty foods, then you could be having a boy. It’s also said that if you are having a boy, you will crave protein like meat and dairy.  With Chloe I def craved sweet tea, and fruits that I can remember, with Puff from the beginning I wanted bacon, cheese, veggies, and I still can not have anything sweet without feeling sick.  Once again point for BOY.

Tale #10- How Do You Look?- As it goes, if you look great during pregnancy, then you are carrying a boy. If you don’t look too flash, you’re having a girl, because she’s stolen all your good looks!  Honestly I have no idea how I look for either pregnancy, but I will say I don't think I look that great this time around, so point for GIRL from my point of view.

Tale #11-  Do You Have Cold Feet?-  If your feet get colder than they used to pre-pregnancy, it’s a sign you have a boy on the way. If your feet are the same, then it’s a girl!  I don't remember what my feet were like with Chloe's pregnancy, and Chris say's my feet are always cold now, so point for BOY.

Tale #12- North or South?- When you sleep, is your pillow north or south? If it’s north, then expect a boy, or south means a girl is on the way.  I don't really understand this one, but never the less our bed is on the south part of the bedroom, so point for GIRL.

Tale #13- Dreaded Acne-  If you get acne during pregnancy, apparently you’re having a girl, and if you don’t, then you’re carrying a boy.  I know I had some break outs with Chloe towards the end, and I def have had some with Puff, so point for GIRL.

Tale #14- Sleep on Your Right or Left Side?  When you sleep, do you sleep on your left? Because if you do, then it’s a boy for you! On your right, a girl is in sight.  I remember sleeping on my right side a lot with Chloe, with Puff its hard to say cause I fall asleep easier on my left, but wake up sometimes on my right, so I guess no point here really.

Tale #15- Hairy Legs?- Has the hair on your legs grown faster than normal? Or has it grown just like normal? Because if it’s growing faster than it did pre-pregnancy, then you’re said to be having a boy.  This is horrible that I'm putting this one, but oh well, I remember with Chloe it wasn't until the end that I noticed my legs kind of had gotten hairier lol, and this time I noticed right away that my darn hair was growing way, way fast.  So point for BOY.

Tale #16- Ring Test-  You take your wedding ring, and tie it to a string and hover it over your belly, if it swings back and forth its a girl, if it goes in a circle its a boy.  We did this one last night too, and it was kind of hard to tell what it was doing, at first it went in a circle, and then we tried again and it ended up swinging back and forth, so point for both GIRL and BOY?

Tale #17- Chinese Calendar- I don't know really how it works, but you find a gender calendar and find your age at conception, and month of conception and it will say boy or girl.  I remember it said girl for Chloe, and with Puff it says girl.  So point for GIRL.

Tale #18- Mayan Prediction-  This one you take the age you conceived and the year you conceived, if both are even numbers its a girl, if they are opposites (one odd, one even) then its a boy.  Well for Chloe the numbers are 23 & 2012, Puff 24 & 2013.  So another BOY point.

Well I got 12 points for BOY and 7 points for GIRL.
I don't know if I really believe all of these, cause as you can see some were true for Chloe and some weren't.  But why not have a little fun until we actually find out right?  I mean we've got a 50/50 chance of being right!  If anyone has any other tales or anything let me know, or let me know what these predicted for you if you've done them!! Chris and I def had fun reading through some of the weird/crazy things that people say predict the gender of your baby!

Keeping this blog/ Update

I had a friend ask if we were going to keep up with this blog, or if we were going to create a new blog for this pregnancy, and honestly I want to keep this blog and just continue to write about our adventures with our rainbow baby, Chloe, and future babies.

I am currently 13 wks, and all scans are looking great, we've got to see a lot of Coco Puffs movement, which we didn't get to see Chloe move much.  Her movements were more reflexive movements which is common with HPE, were as Puffs seem to be more normal, I guess would be the right way to describe it?  I'm finally starting to get more of a pregnant belly now, instead of a "is she pregnant or just gaining weight" belly lol. We're also going to see Martinez every week for now to keep an eye on the fluid since we're always paranoid about it since Chloe's was so low early on, but as he said the fluid looks great, and there's a lot of it.  We also discussed going to see the high risk drs for a more extensive exam to check Puff's development, which I don't know when that'll be, I'm guessing around 16 wks, since that's when we found out there was a development problem with Chloe.  Another confidence booster with this pregnancy, besides having good feelings has been that Puff has always measured right on with the weeks that I am, were as Chloe always measured around a week behind.  I'll post sonograms below of Chloe and of Puff so everyone can see the differences that Chris and I are seeing  already as well.  I guess I will leave off the blog here, and write more posts later, keep checking back :)!!

Puff's 10 wk sonogram 

Chloe's 12 wk sonogram, you can tell her fluid was getting low here 

Puff's 13 wk sonogram, you can tell Puff's fluid is much different from Chloe's 12 wk sonogram

Another of Puff's 13 wk sonogram, the pointer is pointing at toesies 

Praying this is our Rainbow

On Aug 28th, around 6 pm Chris and I got the amazing news that Chloe helped answer some of our prayers and sent us another child.  I am 9 wks pregnant currently, and it has been very difficult to keep it quiet since we found out when I was around 2-3 wks.  Chris and I are both confident in that this pregnancy will go differently if you will, we're still hoping and praying though, this time is already very different from Chloe's pregnancy. 

I remember before we found out with Chloe I had gained weight quickly and people thought I was pregnant right away, and this time that was not the case, my belly is slowly starting to round and stick out more, also I was never really sick in the beginning with Chloe either and now I've had all day morning sickness/nausea, which I've heard is a good thing.

We got to see Dr Martinez at 6 wks and saw our little coco puff and the heart beat, which was amazing since you usually can't see it that early on.  We got to hear the heart beat at 7 wks, and again at 8 wks, and Dr Martinez said everything is looking great, which is def comforting and helping with our nervousness.  We are set to go back when I am about 11-12 wks and I know some people are wondering if we will be seeing the Dr more, and as he and the nurses kindly told us if we want to come in anytime between appts just to see the baby or anything like that we can def give them a call and they would be more then happy to get us in.  Which knowing that is a major comfort and weight lifted off of us.  We have also talked about seeing the high risk Drs sometime for a more extensive exam and to check development and everything like that.  We don't know when that will be yet, I'm thinking it may be around 16 wks since that is when we found out there was concern with Chloe.  Chris and I are def nervous, excited, and all of the other emotions that come along, but we have a sense of comfort, I like to think it's from Chloe and God letting us know everything will be alright.

I also don't want anyone to think we are replacing Chloe, because there is nothing in this world that can EVER replace her, we are simply adding to our amazing family, and giving her a sibling to watch over.  We still miss her everyday, and I know that I talk and think of her all the time, and we are so grateful that we had her for the time we did.  We are lucky enough to know who one of our guardian angels are, and who will help to watch over our children, along with her pawpaw and great granny.  

I guess I will end this post for the moment and I would like to ask everyone to keep our family in your thoughts and prayers please!  Also I would like to thank everyone for all of their kind words of excitement and love that we have received, it means so much to me!

Our announcement picture

One of those days...

It has been some time since I have posted last, my apologies to anyone who still reads the blog.  Things have been busy for us here lately, I am about to start coaching my nieces soccer team once again, please pray the girls will have another fun season.  We are also going to Amarillo to see an foot/ankle specialist for Chris' ankles, and hopefully to get him relief from the pain he's experienced basically his whole life.  I ask that everyone could help us pray about this as well, and pray that the dr can help Chris and if it comes to surgery that it will all go perfect.  

To be honest it has been a couple months since I've had one of those days.  Chris and I have been doing really good lately, we've been talking about trying to have another baby, and things have just been going really good all around.   But I guess for the past few days things have just hit me, like we realized that its been over a year since we found out we were pregnant with Chloe, and on the 8th she would of been 7 months old.  I don't know if its just from all the people announcing they are pregnant, baby showers, or babies being born, it makes me realize all over again that Chloe's not here with us where she should be.  I haven't really cried in a few months, and looking back at the other posts I've typed  I remember how many tears were behind every single one of them, and it makes me wonder when is it going to stop hurting like this, but it's not going to.  I know most don't know how it feels, when I lost my dad it felt like a piece of my heart was ripped away, and when we lost Chloe its like it was all ripped out.  No matter how good a day can be going it constantly feels like there is a piece of my heart missing.  Some people may think "get over it" but the thing with loosing someone, whether its a child, parent, significant other, family member, friend, whoever, you never "get over it", you simply learn to cope, and even then, this is something that stays with you forever, you don't simply forget.  You become stronger because you've went another day without a person you love, but it still hurts.  I have a friend who lost her daughter during pregnancy in June and when I heard, my heart broke, it makes me just wonder why, why does this have to happen, and to such good people.  I also wanted to say thank you to everyone who still wears Chloe's bracelet, it really means a lot to me when I see someone wearing one, or hear that they wear them, it helps put a smile on my face. 

 

But I digress, I hope everyone has a lovely day today, I plan to make mine better. 

"Still"

"Lost you before we met you, Gone before you came, But we love you just the same.  Missed you before we met you, On earth we never can, But in heaven we'll meet again..."

-"Still" by Gerrit Hofsink

I have had this post saved as a draft since May 16th, but I hope that everyone had a wonderful Mother's Day 2013 this year.  Being my first Mother's Day, it was very nice, and Christopher and all of our family def helped. 

Something that I have noticed here recently is how many other families have lost children, wether its from miscarriage, pregnancy loss, neonatal death, or any other situation.  I have friends who have lost children, (I had a friend pass away while in 8th grade, and I've attended a funeral for a friends child), but I guess until you experience something of that magnitude you don't really realize how many others that are out there who have been through a similar situation.  I believe I had wrote this in a past entry about how I received many messages and things like that before and after Chloe passed from others who lost a child, and it def comforted us.  At the time with everything happening its hard to not think that you are alone in the situation, and to have others reach out it def helps.  I guess when you hear someone is pregnant you don't think that something could go wrong, or that something is wrong.  You just kind of automatically think that everything is fine, and that baby will be coming around there due date.  Something Chris and I heard a lot and still a little now is that people don't know what to say, which I can understand.  Yes we are sad about what happened with Chloe, but its okay to ask how we're doing, to talk about her, say sorry for what happened, or anything like that, and I think that's with anyone who's been through loosing someone.  Also for me it helps to hear others situations, because it shows that you're not alone, now I can't say that others would want that.

Chris and I have been doing better, we have each other, amazing family and friends, and we know that Chloe is always with us, helping us get though it all.  I get asked from time to time if we are going to try again, and for anyone who doesn't know that answer, yes we are.  Chris and I have talked about when we would want to, and we both agree that we just want it to happen, and not really plan anything, but I know I'm going to probably try to plan it :).  I think maybe in the next few months it may happen, for the simple fact that I had a dream I was pregnant again the other day, and I remember having dreams like that a few months before we found out we were pregnant with Chloe.  But if it doesn't happen right away, that's okay, because I know that's what is suppose to be, and that it will happen when the time is right.  So for all those out there, just please continue to pray for us, we are def appreciative! 

White butterflies

Here lately when I am kind of down, and thinking about Chloe (to be honest I am always thinking of her), I see these little white butterflies. Whether its when I am walking, or driving somewhere, I always see one or two little butterflies fly by or across my path. It got me to thinking, what does a white butterfly mean, and everywhere I looked said basically the same thing, this is what one website had posted:

White Butterfly meaning: the soul of a child, transformation, purity, truth, growth, change, symbol of the soul, sign of angels watching over you, good luck, sign of a good life.

I don't know about anyone else, but I think about things like that, meanings behind things that I continue to see. (Like at my dads funeral we saw one yellow and black butterfly that flew right in front of all of the family, and that was the only butterfly we saw that day.). After reading that it makes me think that it is Chloe almost letting me know that she's here with us. What do y'all think?

I also came across a website, http://www.lilyjanestationery.com/about who is owned by a mom who lost her daughter, Lily, to HPE, you can read Lily's story and more on the website. In Meredith's blog she talks about her children, she has a boy that is older then Lily, and one that is younger, it gives me hope for our next pregnancy. Meredith and I are set to speak via Skype on Friday, and I'm hoping it will calm my nerves a little more. I know I shouldn't freak out because Chris and I have talked and we know that we don't want to try to get pregnant again for a few more months, but I guess the unknown of the future still is nerve racking. I'm pretty sure though next pregnancy I'm not going to be able to relax until after 16 wks, due to the fact that at 16 wks is when we discovered there was something going on with Chloe. I guess that we are "lucky" in that sense if you will, because most parents don't discover HPE or things of that nature until 20 wks of pregnancy.

On another note Chris and my birthdays are coming up, mine on April 18th, and Chris' on May 31st! For me it sure doesn't feel like its almost my birthday lol I guess that happened after you hit the "big" birthdays like 18 and 21. Well I hope everyone has a good rest of the week and I will def be typing more blogs soon!